Photos

(1)

[Toji, is apologizing really that hard?]

[It is.]

That was the first time Toji had argued with Yuanyin. The wife he remembered as endlessly forgiving had, for the first time ever, gotten into a huge fight with him over the words [I'm sorry].

Why did he have to say [I'm sorry] out loud? Couldn't hugs and kisses mean the same thing?

Toji didn't understand, so that day, he clumsily tried to kiss his wife, only for Yuanyin to dodge him.

[I'm not the one you need to apologize to. Yuanli is. And I'm not the one you should be hugging and kissing, either.]

But you're the only one who's angry right now.

That was what Toji had thought to himself at the time.

Their argument hadn't been about a problem between husband and wife. It had been about his failings as a father.

A clumsy first-time father and a devoted husband who loved only his wife-faced with those two roles, Toji had decisively chosen the latter. He'd gone to buy Yuanyin a cake instead of picking up his daughter, who had only just started kindergarten.

At first, no one would quite know what to make of that. An older woman might harshly condemn the father's irresponsibility. A younger woman enjoying her husband's undivided devotion might gently scold him, feeling both cherished and worried.

Yuanyin was neither. She fell into an unpredictable third category. After discovering that Yuanli had walked home by herself, she angrily grabbed Toji and demanded that he give Yuanli a sincere apology.

Toji had argued that Yuanli had made it home on her own, hadn't she? And she wasn't angry, either.

He regretted those words the moment they left his mouth. Even someone as brainless as him knew just how scummy they were.

His first instinct was to express something to Yuanli, who had been silently standing beside them the whole time. But he couldn't get the words I'm sorry out. Then what about a hug?

He looked at the little girl who kept everyone except Yuanyin at arm's length.

Toji realized that some people wouldn't accept a hug.

(2)

Riding in a police car was a novel experience for the Sorcerer Killer. If Toji had been in the mood, if his wife had still been alive, he might have jokingly told her afterward about his experience of being brought to justice.

But now, all he felt was nervousness.

Not because he was in a police car, but because his daughter was beside him.

From the moment he saw Yuanli until now, Toji hadn't let his eyes linger on her for longer than a second. He was afraid of getting a clear look at those injuries, and at the arm injury that would have been nothing to him but seemed to have nearly cost Yuanli half her life.

Naturally, he hadn't noticed that, after they got into the car, the arm closest to him was her broken one.

When the jolting of the police car grew rough enough, the daughter he couldn't bear to look at fell onto his lap like a weightless feather.

The instant Yuanli's hair touched Toji's legs, his entire body went rigid.

He had never held Yuanli. Not once. From the day she was born, there had only been one person in Yuanli's world whose hugs she accepted: his wife.

Not having to hug her was fine, really. It even spared him from revisiting his awful childhood every now and then. After all, people tended to search their past for lessons to guide their future.

He stiffly maintained that pose, keeping both hands off her, then awkwardly turned to look out the window at the pitch-black scenery, lit only by a few dim streetlights.

I can't quite describe it. I don't seem that nervous anymore, and it isn't embarrassment, either. It's just...

The police car passed near a quarry along their route, and the road grew even worse. The large chunks of gravel beneath the tires threatened to toss the whole car into the air, Yuanli included.

Whatever he was feeling no longer mattered. Toji's body's response revealed what was truly in his heart.

He held Yuanli down just as she was about to sit back up, then came up with an utterly ridiculous excuse to keep her within his reach, where he could protect her.

It was a tender scene even Toji had never imagined. He thought Yuanli probably hadn't imagined it, either, which was why she cried with such heart-wrenching anguish.

Like an ordinary child who needed her father.

(3)

To Toji, fatherly love was a phrase even more nauseating than the surname Zenin. Having been hurt by it, he found it disgusting and felt he had no need for it. He even felt that the phrase itself shouldn't exist.

It wasn't that Toji didn't know the real problem lay with the people who had used family bonds to hurt him. But when an attack became reality and the outcome was pain, people would lash out at something else-even something innocent.

So he had no idea how to be a good father, or how to give fatherly love to Yuanli, who didn't love him. Her indifference seemed to offer him an excuse: since you don't love me anyway, I don't have to love you or care about you, either.

But when his daughter truly drew close to him and shed her indifference, that excuse vanished in an instant.

Suddenly, saying I'm sorry didn't seem so hard.

The moment he apologized, Toji suddenly realized that he had wronged his daughter all her life.

When he felt Yuanli's indifference, he hadn't taken the initiative to break through it. Instead, he'd distanced himself even further. Even knowing that his wife treated their daughter as though she were invisible, he hadn't comforted her or spoken up to stop it. He had even indulged in having his wife's love all to himself. After his wife died, he'd become a coward who ran from every responsibility, relying entirely on Yuanli to handle all the problems an adult should have faced.

And now, because of his avoidance, Yuanli had nearly lost her life to harm no child should ever have had to endure.

Racked with guilt and pain, Toji humbly said he was sorry once more. Then, in his mind, he swept himself into a corner like a piece of trash.

He had never expected forgiveness. So when Yuanli told him [It's not your fault], Toji actually felt his nose sting with the beginnings of tears.

(4)

I finally made it to the hospital without passing out from the pain. As I got out of the car, I glanced at the increasingly guilt-stricken Toji and decided to cover my grotesquely injured left arm with my hand.

The ambulance arrived at almost the same time we did. Yoshida Tadashi was awake when the hurried medical staff took him out.

White bandages wrapped his head almost completely, but I could still see his eyes.

Hatred, mockery, refusal to let it go.

It was as though he was smugly telling me he wouldn't stop until he'd sent Toji to prison.

I lowered my eyes and followed the police officers into the hospital. After I told them I needed the bathroom, the two kind officers gave me space to go on my own.

Out of their sight, I secretly followed Yoshida Tadashi into his hospital room. Once there was no one else around, I stood before him.

"You-what do you want?"

His voice came out muffled through the bandages. Or perhaps Toji had injured his tongue.

"I'd like you not to press charges against my father, Mr. Yoshida."

Yoshida Tadashi gave a disdainful laugh. Then, like a dog returning to its own filth, he once again lost control of his mouth.

"There's no way I'm letting your father off. I'll sue you. I'll sue your whole family into bankruptcy. What kind of family are you, anyway? I bet your dad beat your mom to-"

I stopped his words by shoving Quasar into his mouth.

"Mr. Yoshida, perhaps you'd be better off spending the rest of your life mute."

I pressed the trigger slightly, and the muzzle began to heat up. The Quasar Yuanyin had modified could fire up to four times a second. Besides, this gun used my void energy as ammunition. Even the police wouldn't be able to find any ballistic traces or bullets.

If I killed him, no one would ever know.

"Mmph, mmph! I... won't... mmph, press charges!!" Yoshida Tadashi was utterly terrified. The burning sensation in his mouth had already convinced him I would do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't. Yuanyin had told me the price of killing someone long ago.

I withdrew the gun and, in disgust, wiped Quasar on the white bedsheet. Then, right in front of Yoshida Tadashi, I opened the void and put the gun away.

"I'm sorry... I was wrong! It was all my fault!!"

He seemed even more frightened. I could actually see a pale yellow wet patch spreading across the bed.

"You know what to say about what happened to me, don't you? Do I need to teach you again?"

He shook his head frantically, then kept mumbling apologies like a madman.

"Good. Thank you for your understanding, Mr. Yoshida. See you next time."

Supporting my left arm, which could inexplicably move a little now, I left. It wasn't that I trusted him. Even if he didn't do as I said, I could make sure he wouldn't be getting out of prison anytime soon.

I hurried to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. My swollen arm was actually recovering slowly. Apparently, I wasn't just incredibly strong; I also had astonishing healing abilities. If I stayed a little longer, it would probably heal completely.

Not wanting to let Yoshida Tadashi off that easily, I used my right hand to break my left arm again. After making sure my left arm was in the same condition as

when I'd first come down the mountain, I slowly walked out of the bathroom.

(5)

Having a cast felt so strange.

With my left arm in a cast, I finished paying bail and giving my statement at the police station.

Yoshida Tadashi knew what was good for him. He confessed, and it even seemed as though he'd made his crimes sound worse just to avoid seeing me. He was detained on the spot.

After leaving the police station, Toji and I decided to take a taxi home. This time, I firmly chose the front passenger seat.

After a bumpy ride, we reached our so-called home before dawn. The moment I got out, I heard Megumi Zenin's hoarse cries.

It had been a full day since I'd left. The man beside me, still wallowing in guilt, definitely hadn't fed his son according to the note I'd left on the table.

I sighed helplessly. I was already considering hiring a nanny for the two of them before I left.

After a flurry of activity once we got home, just when I thought I'd have to try propping up a milk bottle with my cast, something clicked for Toji. He actually knew how to feed Megumi Zenin.

He stuck the nipple into the baby's nostril several times, but I considered that progress. He was just inexperienced. With a few more tries, I probably wouldn't have to worry about how they'd get by after I left.

I couldn't help starting to plan the arrangements for my own death.

After sleeping in bed, I woke up at noon the next day. To my surprise, my left arm had healed.

After tearing off the cast with my bare hands, I found one of Yuanyin's long-sleeved tops and covered my arm. Then I sat down at the desk and began writing out a plan.

As for how I would die?

In my previous lives, I'd been an adult who had just turned eighteen, so knives and medications had been easy enough to obtain. Now, the only blade available to me seemed to be the kitchen cleaver. Although my void space held all kinds of Yuanyin's guns and swords, I didn't want to use them.

For now, I'd settle on a kitchen cleaver, sleeping pills, and hemp rope.

As for where I would die?

The cemetery, of course. That had already been decided. There was no one around, anyway, so there wouldn't be any unexpected trouble.

As for the photo.

I wasn't planning to leave a memorial portrait of myself, so by photo, I meant one of Yuanyin. I wanted to die holding her photo. That way, it would feel as though she was with me.

That kind of self-deception was actually very comforting. I also really wanted to see her as she'd been captured by a camera.

Thinking of photos, I started searching my room. Just as I was about to empty the bookcase and drawers, I remembered that after I turned four, Yuanyin had started treating me as though I were invisible and had never wanted to take a photo with me again.

So, naturally, the room where I'd slept on my own and studied since I was four wouldn't have any photos of her and me.

That was all right. At least there were still the ones from before I turned four.

The photos from before I was four should have been in Toji and Yuanyin's room. I walked out of my room and immediately saw Toji's open door, along with wisps of black smoke drifting out.

Driven by an ominous feeling, I softened my footsteps and quietly went inside. The first thing I saw was Toji's back. I leaned forward a little farther to look. Beyond his back, the source of those wisps of black smoke was a burning photograph.

What a coincidence. The one burning now was the last photo of Yuanyin and me together.