Loving Fan Jin is my instinct

Fan Jin stood in the empty living room, clutching the note in his hand, and did not move for a long time.

He had already thought things through on his way home. It had never been anything serious, and he should not have given Shan Ye the cold shoulder last night. He had planned to come home in a better mood, instead of acting the way he had last night.

He had even brought dessert-the tiramisu Shan Ye had mentioned last time.

But Shan Ye had left.

He was filled with regret. Why was he like this?

Shan Ye was such a good person. Being with him meant Shan Ye had already put up with so much.

He thumped his head in frustration, feeling utterly useless. He had failed to protect his mother, and now he could not even keep the person he loved by his side.

He sat down on the sofa, dejected, his head bowed. His nose stung, and he felt something scalding slide past its tip. This was one of the few times he had ever cried.

He remembered the day his mother had given him the scarf. It had been bitterly cold. When he came home from school, he had found his bedridden mother knitting a scarf.

As he remembered it, his mother had already been ill for a long time then, but that day, she had seemed full of energy.

She had given Fan Jin the scarf that very evening.

Having grown up without knowing love, he had treasured and tucked away that little bit of affection from his mother as though it were something precious.

But not long afterward, his mother had passed away that same winter.

Overwhelmed with grief, Fan Jin buried his face in his hands and began to sob.

It was only the second time he had cried like this, his heart torn apart. Only after Shan Ye left did he understand what heartache was.

He had never wanted this.

Fan Jin clenched his fists, his nails almost digging into his palms. He wiped away his tears, intending to go to Shan Ye's home to find him, only for a warm hand to suddenly cup his face and wipe the tears from the corners of his eyes.

He raised his head and saw Shan Ye crouching in front of him, wiping away his tears.

"Why were you crying behind my back?" Shan Ye asked.

Fan Jin froze. Hadn't Shan Ye left?

"Y-you didn't go home?" He immediately seized Shan Ye's hand, gripping it tightly as he asked the same question over and over.

"How could I go home when you're still here? You'd be so lonely all by yourself if I left." Shan Ye cupped his face, gently brushing away his tears with his thumb.

Fan Jin's tears poured out like floodwater through an open gate.

For the first time, Shan Ye saw the kind of hurt on his face that he had only ever seen in children.

He gathered him tightly into his arms and stroked his hair, soothing him gently. "Cry when you want to cry. Laugh when you want to laugh. You need to learn to let your feelings out. You don't have to hold them back with me."

Fan Jin buried his face in the crook of his neck, his voice trembling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that. Please don't leave, okay?"

"I'm not leaving. I'm right here. And I'll be here every day from now on." Shan Ye patted his back over and over, comforting him.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." He repeated his apologies again and again, his voice so faint that it made Shan Ye's heart ache.

Only today had he truly found his way into Fan Jin's heart, a heart that was neither quite whole nor quite warm. Fan Jin's rarely seen vulnerability was laid completely bare before him.

They sat in the living room for a long time that night. Fan Jin had stopped crying, but he still kept his face buried in the crook of Shan Ye's neck, refusing to lift his head.

Shan Ye did not hurry him, simply holding him like that. With his back against the coffee table, he cradled Fan Jin's whole body in his arms. Although his legs had gone numb with pins and needles, and his lower back ached in that position, he let Fan Jin cling to him for more than half an hour.

"Feeling any better?" he asked softly.

Fan Jin said nothing, only giving a small nod.

Shan Ye reached for the tissues on the coffee table, pulled out a few, and pressed them into Fan Jin's hand.

Once Fan Jin had recovered a little, he felt embarrassed. He kept his head down as he wiped his face with the tissues, then wiped his eyes.

"Fan Jin, lift your head and look at me," Shan Ye said softly.

Shan Ye looked at his face. His eyes were red, and so was the tip of his nose. The sight instantly melted his heart.

He reached out to stroke Fan Jin's face, brushing the last tear from the corner of his eye with his thumb.

"That scarf was knitted by your mother, wasn't it?"

Fan Jin's fingers tightened slightly before he nodded.

Shan Ye's heart suddenly ached. He remembered how he had ruined the scarf in the wash, leaving it wrinkled. Then he remembered Fan Jin's furrowed brow when he saw it, his silent figure from behind. Everything made sense now.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Shan Ye's voice was a little hoarse. "If I'd known, I wouldn't have taken it to be repaired."

Fan Jin shook his head. "You didn't do it on purpose. It was my fault. You didn't know anything, and I still took it out on you."

"You didn't lose your temper. You just wouldn't talk. Do you know that your silence is scarier than you losing your temper?"

"If I do something wrong again, tell me. Don't bottle it up." Shan Ye tightened his grip on his hand. "If you don't say anything, I won't know. I'm stupid. I can't guess."

Fan Jin looked at him, his eyes reddening again.

"Why are you about to cry again, Fan Jin?" Shan Ye panicked. Somehow, all his soothing had only brought him to tears again.

Fan really was the crybaby.

"Don't cry. It hurts me when you cry, too." Shan Ye kissed his eyes.

Fan Jin took a moment to steady himself. "Shan Ye, that scarf is a keepsake my mother left me. That winter, she knitted it for me, and then she passed away."

Shan Ye's nose stung at once. He lifted Fan Jin's hand and pressed it against his own cheek, tears running between his fingers. "I'll buy you scarves every winter from now on. Lots of them. I'll make up for all those years your mother never got the chance to knit them for you."

His heart truly ached for Fan Jin.

"Believe me," Shan Ye said with a sniffle. "I may not know how to knit, but I can afford to buy them. If you insist on handmade ones, I'll start learning right now."

Fan Jin reached out and pulled Shan Ye into his arms, holding him so tightly that their heartbeats pressed together. His voice choked up a little. "Thank you, Shan Ye."

Shan Ye smiled. "What are you thanking me for? I'm your boyfriend."

Thank you for coming into my life and loving Fan Jin.