It disgusts me

Pei Yang slowly straightened up with one hand against the wall. His gaze wandered, sweeping across the entire hotel lobby, but he simply could not bring himself to meet Xia Jingmo's eyes.

When Pei Yang did not take it, Xia Jingmo reached out and wiped the corner of his mouth for him.

"Get away from me!" Pei Yang shoved him aside. His eyes, now raised, were so red they looked as though they might bleed at any moment.

"Yangyang, what's wrong? Why are you so angry? Did I do something wrong? Haven't you and Yixiao already broken up? I didn't ruin your relationship, did I?" Xia Jingmo rattled off five questions in one breath, his expression so innocent that it seemed he and Song Yixiao had merely been eating dinner in the room. His robe had slipped halfway down when Pei Yang shoved him, exposing his pale shoulder, but he made no move to cover it.

"You two... when... when did this start?" The sour ache rising in Pei Yang's throat turned into a torrent of fire, burning through his entire body. His mind went blank. He dared not recall all the times the three of them had spent together, afraid of noticing something he should never have had to notice.

"Well... that's a long story."

People kept getting on and off the hotel elevator, and everyone who passed the two of them gave them a strange look. Only after enough people had stared did Xia Jingmo finally deign to straighten his robe.

"I liked Yixiao back in college. Even... before you did."

Pei Yang's heart went utterly cold.

Even if Xia Jingmo had told him that they had only ended up in bed together after he and Song Yixiao broke up, he would not have felt this suffocated.

But none of it stood up to scrutiny. He and Song Yixiao had only broken up a few days ago, yet those two had already hooked up. Something must have been brewing before. He had simply been kept in the dark like a fool, only learning the truth now.

"Yixiao was so full of confidence back in college," Xia Jingmo said, his face full of yearning as he reminisced. "I liked him the very first time I saw him, but he had a girlfriend then. I always thought he was straight, so I quietly kept those feelings to myself."

"...Until he announced that he was dating you in a group chat with over seven hundred people."

If Xia Jingmo had not brought it up, Pei Yang would almost have forgotten it himself.

It had been his first relationship, and with a man, no less. His feelings for Song Yixiao had been timid but passionate.

Knowing how insecure he felt, Song Yixiao had taken his hand and posted photos of them together in the university's big group chat and on his campus intranet account, flaunting their relationship as though he wanted the whole world to know.

Pei Yang would not deny that Song Yixiao had loved him. There had been love, but love could change in an instant. A few years later, he had to rely on someone else's words to remember those days.

"Do you know, Pei Yang? Looking at your photo made me feel inferior for a long time." Xia Jingmo raised his hand and rubbed Pei Yang's jaw with his fingertips, tilting his head. "I wondered what kind of man could make a straight guy willingly turn gay."

"So I went crazy looking for information about you. I found every way I could to investigate you, tracked down your major and your class. And when I was done, I was disappointed."

"Because this guy named Pei Yang had nothing going for him besides a pretty face and being good at his studies. You weren't as sweet-talking as me, you didn't know how to have fun like me, and you didn't know how to please a man the way I did. I couldn't understand what fun there could possibly be in dating someone like you. A cold-faced bore who didn't even have friends-what right did you have to Yixiao's affection?"

"..."

Xia Jingmo's words weighed on Pei Yang until he could barely breathe. He did not want to hear any more. He wanted to run, to leave, to escape, but Xia Jingmo would not let him. He gripped Pei Yang's chin and continued, "So I got close to you and became your friend."

"..."

"You're such an idiot. Did you really think I wanted anything to do with you?"

"It was only because... getting close to you meant getting close to Yixiao."

A crash went off in Pei Yang's mind, and every memory he had believed was beautiful collapsed at that moment. Dizzy and disoriented, he could barely tell where he was. Everything before his eyes seemed to slow down, yet he could still hear every word clearly.

He heard Xia Jingmo say, "You really are generous, Yangyang."

"Not only did you introduce me to your boyfriend, you let us eat alone together, study alone together in the library, and even let me ask Yixiao out on my own."

"Oh, and one more thing."

"Yixiao always knew I liked him. It was so obvious, after all."

"But he never told you. He just tacitly accepted this friendship between the three of us."

"That was when I knew that although Yixiao liked you, he didn't like you enough that it had to be you and no one else. You were bound to break up."

"And sure enough, I was right." Xia Jingmo gave a playful smile, leaned down, and whispered into Pei Yang's ear, "Happy breakup, Yangyang. Yixiao is mine now."

Pei Yang finally raised his bloodshot eyes. A tear slid from his right eye onto his lips, and he wiped it away with his palm, leaving a faint mark on his cool, jade-like skin. "Xia Jingmo, do you think enduring humiliation for love all these years makes you noble?"

Xia Jingmo's smile vanished at once.

"All you've done is get swept up in your own imagined devotion." Pei Yang's lips curled into a mocking smile. To keep more tears from falling, he tipped his head back, exposing his vulnerable throat, then met Xia Jingmo's eyes again. "If I were you, I wouldn't be so pleased with myself for picking up a piece of trash nobody wanted."

With that, Pei Yang braced himself against the wall and turned away, only for Xia Jingmo's shout to stop him. "Pei Yang, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Pei Yang looked back, his gaze flippant as it settled on the slap mark on Xia Jingmo's face. "If he could slap you today to keep me, he'll kick you aside tomorrow for the same reason. A thing like Song Yixiao would get on his knees and wag his tail at me if I so much as crooked a finger. I just don't want to. It disgusts me."

Xia Jingmo's expression instantly turned ugly. His slight frame looked as though it might buckle.

Pei Yang quietly watched him stand there, stiff and motionless. After a long moment, he said in a low, hoarse voice, "You still don't know why I broke up with him, do you?"

"I'll tell you now."

"That confident, high-spirited Yixiao you keep talking about was sleeping with women for money."

"You think he was willing to sleep with you because he liked you, because he was interested in you? He was just horny with nowhere to let it out, and you happened to deliver yourself to his door. For free, too."

After saying his piece, Pei Yang gave Xia Jingmo a faintly pitying look for half a second, then immediately turned and left.

Once he got into his car, the jasmine scent filling the interior made Pei Yang feel sick all over. He rolled down the window and desperately gulped the fresh air outside, but the more he breathed, the less air he seemed to get, and the more his heart hurt.

Pei Yang had once believed that even if he had nothing, even if Pei Zhi had single-handedly destroyed his home, he still had a friend and a lover behind him, supporting him.

He had been foolish enough to believe that as long as he had love, he could fear nothing, even if the road ahead was shrouded in uncertainty.

Today, Pei Yang had seen the man he once loved tangled in bed with his best friend. In the instant both love and friendship died, he finally understood what it meant to hurt to the very core. So this was what it felt like to be utterly powerless and helpless. There was a pain that needed no blade, no crushing blow, to make itself felt deep inside.

Pei Yang took a moment to recover, then pressed down on the accelerator.