(All the following content was taken from a group chat. The person involved was referred to as "Big Brain.")
(Warning: the following content is unsuitable for people with cardiovascular conditions. It contains a large number of legendary takes.)
(Legendary takes will be marked.)
(A genuine newbie, so please don't be too harsh. Just enjoy the laughs. The group members were working hard to set him straight.)
(All of this really happened. Every word from Big Brain was left unchanged.)
Big Brain: What is trade? How do I connect to the trade network?
(At first, we thought this was just an ordinary newbie question. None of us expected it to lead to a legendary story and a legendary player.)
After the group members answered:
Big Brain: What if I haven't picked any trade traditions? Doesn't unity just come in if you wait? What's this ascension for?
[Legendary take] Big Brain: Isn't unity the same as influence?
[Legendary take] Big Brain: Better to be the United Nations of Earth's dog after all.
Big Brain: What if the Void Worm wrecks me?
Group member: Spam ships.
Big Brain: No alloys. Just a few hundred.
Group member: You should at least have some ships by year 70.
Big Brain: I have colonies. I'm developing my colonies.
Group member: What species?
Big Brain: Ironman.
Group member: ...
Group member: Don't tell me you're playing the United Nations of Earth.
[Legendary take] Big Brain: Fanatic pacifist United Nations of Earth. Didn't people say this was easy to play? (He had modified a preset empire, essentially using an economic-development build to fight an early war.)
Big Brain: I'm on Ensign difficulty. My production feels pretty high.
Group member: Set up a Forge World. Get your alloy production up first.
[Legendary take] Big Brain: What's a Forge World?