Catacombs and Warriors

Boom-boom-

Good morning, or perhaps good evening, Tarnished seeking the Elden Ring.

At that moment, I stood atop a towering stone pillar. Flames roared beneath my feet, mingling with the patter of several imps circling below. Every so often, a throwing knife skimmed past my ear with a faint whistle as it sliced through the air.

Today might just become the anniversary of my death.

Let us rewind to roughly an hour earlier.

The Stormfoot Catacombs.

At the bottom of the stairs, the passage split in two. One branch led deeper underground, while the other ended in a burial chamber. A conspicuous glimmer shone in its center-an item, or perhaps a Golden Rune?

Either would irresistibly tempt an adventurer's curiosity, like a cat scratching away at their heart.

But!

This was a Souls world designed by that old bastard Miyazaki. Every step required vigilance against sneaky ambushers.

Take the burial chamber ahead, for instance. Anyone could see the stone imp guarding the glowing item, and would focus all their attention on it.

And right at that moment-

Whoosh!

A sharp blade would swing down hard from the blind spot beside the chamber entrance, delivering a fatal blow.

"But I'm an expert player! The entire catacomb map and its level design are etched into my brain!" Having successfully lured the sneaky imp out of hiding, all I had to do was finish it off with a few simple swings...

Swish!

A throwing knife?

Had the decoy stone imp inside the chamber been activated too?

That shouldn't have happened. My spacing should only have drawn aggro from one of them.

But there was no time to dwell on it. Enraged by its failed ambush, the imp clutched its hoe-like weapon and slashed wildly at me.

Stay calm! Raise the shield and back away.

One strike, two, three, followed by a heavy downward chop.

The instant it froze in recovery, I rolled behind it and drove my sword hard into its waist!

Thud!

Critical strike complete!

But as I kicked the imp off my blade, a sharp pain struck my shoulder.

Had a throwing knife caught me off guard?

Sure enough, there were no invincibility frames during critical attacks in the real world.

"But now you're all alone too!" With no time to tend my wound, I dodged another flying blade, took a great leap forward, and split the irritating stone imp in half with a jumping slash.

Though there was no health bar to judge by, a wisp of golden runes flew into my body after I killed an enemy, so I did not have to worry about it playing dead.

I picked up the item from the floor.

Uh, Root Resin.

This stuff was practically everywhere across the continent. Dressing it up as an item to lure light-seeking Tarnished was another example of the old bastard's boundless malice.

When I pulled the blade out of my shoulder, I discovered that the wound would not stop bleeding... Was this how the "hemorrhage" status worked in the real Elden Ring world? It was even trickier than I'd imagined.

I hurriedly took a sip from the Flask of Crimson Tears and healed the wound.

Continuing downward, I passed the boss room entrance. I would have to find the mechanism inside the tomb to open its doors.

Another flight of stairs brought me to a room with three levels.

The mechanism for the boss room doors stood before a statue on the second level. With no way to get up there yet, I could only press onward.

Swish, swish-

Sure enough, there were two knife-throwing imps here too. I quickly raised my shield and jogged beneath their platform. The instant they jumped down after me, I spun around and dispatched one with a strike.

The second followed close behind, leaping at me with its hoe-like blade raised.

I hurriedly lifted my shield to block.

Pop!

A faint sting ran through my wrist, but the moment I blocked the attack, I slashed hard at my opponent and finished off another imp.

But what had that been just now?

I took off my large leather shield to inspect it. The stone imp had actually punched a hole straight through it?!

Come to think of it, this shield did not provide one hundred percent physical damage negation. Apparently, in reality, that meant attacks could pierce it outright.

Incidentally, the puncture wound was small, yet it kept bleeding for quite some time. It seemed the principle behind "hemorrhage" might be delayed clotting. Too many wounds would therefore cause massive blood loss.

The more I explored, the more I learned about the differences between the real Elden Ring world and the game. My thirst for knowledge could not help sending a little thrill through my heart.

After I passed through a narrow passage, a wave of scorching heat blasted toward me.

There it was, the flame trap that everyone had to sample in Elden Ring's catacombs-a gargoyle pillar that periodically spewed fire. Its range was astonishing, making it difficult to dash through in one go, and the damage was nothing to sneeze at.

Usually, there would be a recess halfway along where you could take cover, but the timing for starting your run was unforgiving. In the game, I always seemed to fall one step short, getting blasted off my feet and left scrambling on the ground.

So the best way to handle this should be...

I took out a throwing knife I had prepared and hurled it hard at the flame pillar.

A clink rang out, but over at the pillar... Huh? Nothing happened?

In theory, touching the pillar should stop the flame mechanism, which was why I usually dealt with it using a bow in the game.

Had I missed?

No way. After two days of hunting rabbits with throwing knives, my technique was polished to perfection. I shouldn't have been able to miss such a huge stationary target...

"Gah!"

Suddenly, another hoe-like weapon came swinging down from the shadows on the wall beside me.

"Fuck! I almost forgot about you, you sneaky bastard!" I hastily raised my shield to block, shoved it away, then swept my blade across and lopped off the stone imp's head.

Uh, my hand had gone a little numb.

Come to think of it, Elden Ring had quite a few rock-hard enemies. I wondered whether I would even be able to cut through a Fallingstar Beast or a Crystalian when I encountered one later.

After dealing with the ambushing stone imp, I took out another throwing knife.

Could flame pillars in the real world have specific trigger points? Was it the fire-breathing imp on top?

Ah, bingo!

With a rumble, the entire pillar sank into the floor, leaving only a short section exposed.

Fortunately, the real Elden Ring world had another advantage-used items did not simply disappear. That meant throwing knives and the like could be picked back up after use. Thumbs up!

Oh, I found a Talking Talisman.

"Hello~"

Haha, what a strange voice. It sounded like some decrepit old man.

I also tested the inactive pillar. A hard stomp on top or a slash from my sword would trigger the flame mechanism again.

That part was pretty much the same as in the game.

I used the same method to deal with the flame pillar on the other side of the T-junction.

Ahead, a silver cluster of flowers swayed gently in a corner at the end of the tomb. Beside it, an item's light sparkled on a fallen corpse...

Wait, I remembered-there were two stone imps hanging on the wall ahead. Behind the supporting pillars, there was another disguised as a statue on each side, and one more hanging above one of their heads.

Just what I would expect from you, you old bastard Miyazaki.

Five mighty generals guarding one tiny item in an early-game area! You just would not be happy unless you tormented new players to death, would you?!

Fortunately, I had memorized the map. I only needed to lure them out one at a time with throwing knives.

Swish!

"Gah!"

Huh? Why had both of you come down together?

Clink-

Wait, why had the ones on either side woken up too? I hadn't even triggered them!

In an instant, I had roused all five mighty generals, and they charged at me, waving their little blades.

I'm screwed, screwed, screwed!

As the old Souls saying went, "Three dogs can slaughter a Lord of Cinder."

These five imps could slaughter every last Tarnished in the Lands Between!

I hastily backed away, only to accidentally trigger the flame pillar.

With a thunderous clatter from its mechanism, the entire pillar rose again.

I'm screwed. My retreat's blocked too. What now?

An idea flashed through my mind. Before the pillar could finish rising, I hurriedly jumped onto its top.

And that brought me to the scene at the beginning.

Flames roared beneath my feet while five ravenous stone imps circled the pillar, eyeing me hungrily.

All I could say was, thank goodness they were too short to reach the fire-breathing imp and deactivate the pillar. But being stuck here with nowhere to climb and no way down was no solution either.

Old Kale, I was afraid you would have to come here and retrieve this large leather shield yourself.