(Some bastard wiped out my outline, so writing has been a bit rough. Here's this little thing first to make it up to everyone.)
Linde inexplicably found himself in an unknown space, with a young monk standing nearby.
"Who're you?" Linde asked groggily.
"Ahem, ahem. I am Kawakami Monk," the young monk said.
Linde shouted with a look of disgust, "What kind of crappy name is that?! What the hell is a Kawakami Monk? It sounds weird. Is that supposed to be a Japanese name?"
Monk shook his head unhurriedly and explained with a smile, "Not at all, not at all. You see, 'Monk' is simply the English word for a monk.
"As for 'Kawakami,' it means 'on the river,' a common expression in classical Chinese. And 'on the river' sounds like the Chinese word for 'monk,' so doesn't that make 'Kawakami Monk' just 'Monk Monk'?" With that, Monk gave him a mischievous wink.
Linde couldn't help snarking, "(Dock his pay for that pun!) All right, all right, I couldn't care less! Just get over here already."
Monk slowly set off, strolling over to Linde one leisurely step at a time, then asked softly, "May I ask what important business you wanted to see me about?"
Linde swung his right hand sharply, landing a vicious chop on Monk's head. "About your chronic missed updates and delays... Even with something as lenient as one update every two days, you still keep posting late or not posting at all!"
"Stop!" Monk waved his hand, refusing to back down. "What does any of that have to do with me?" His eyes widened as he stared straight at Linde.
Linde looked stunned. It took him a good while to recover before he stammered, "Huh... uh... huh... what?"
Monk folded his arms and sneered. "Let me ask you this: are you the protagonist of this story?"
Linde frowned slightly, but still nodded. "Yes."
Monk laughed smugly, then continued, "Since you're the protagonist, shouldn't the entire plot revolve around you?"
"Stop, stop, stop! Don't try to sweet-talk your way out of this." Linde impatiently cut him off.
"Even if all of this has something to do with me, so what? You're the author! You control every development in the plot. How can you blame me?"
The corners of Monk's mouth lifted into a sly smile as he retorted, "Heh heh, when did I ever say I was going to argue that? Just look at the protagonists next door. Every last one of them either has extraordinary talent or keeps stumbling into lucky encounters, switching on their cheats and blazing ahead. And then look at you. You're supposed to be the protagonist, but you spend all day accomplishing nothing. You're practically a helpless little scrub. You even ended up trapped in a house, unable to go anywhere, and now the plot can't even revolve around you. Tell me, shouldn't you blame yourself for that?"
Linde's eyes widened. "You bastard! Isn't that because you won't give me any damn cheats... Fine, let's set that aside. Next question. This novel is called 'Undertale: I! The Architect of Perfect Endings!' Then tell me, what exactly is this so-called perfect ending supposed to be? Do you really think you can make everyone agree that the ending you write is perfect?"
Monk muttered guiltily, "Uh... probably not?"
At that, Linde's face turned red with anger. He grabbed a keyboard and slammed it hard against the floor. "Then why the fuck did you give it such a stupid title?!"
Monk shrank back and stammered an explanation. "W-well, wasn't it to trick readers into picking up the book so I could stab them in the feels afterward... Ahem, actually, I just made it up at random."
Linde's heart lurched when he heard that, and he pointed at Monk. "You little... Wait, you're not planning to kill me off, are you?!"
Monk hurriedly waved his hands in denial. "You're slandering me! That's defamation! Pure defamation! When did I ever say I was going to stab anyone in the feels? That was just a joke! A joke! Do you understand? Besides, think back carefully. Which of my previous novels ever ended on a hap... tragic note?!"
Linde gritted his teeth and said indignantly, "No, I absolutely can't let you keep doing whatever you want. I'm setting you straight today!"
With that, he raised the keyboard and, without hesitation, deleted every last bit of the outline Monk had painstakingly written.
"No!" Monk wailed. "My outline!... Huh? Does that mean I can delay updates with a clear conscience now?"
Linde's face darkened. He slowly drew a Toy Knife gleaming with cold light from inside his clothes and, without hesitation, pressed it against Monk's pale, vulnerable neck. His voice was low and threatening. "Don't you dare!"
Monk's eyes widened, his face full of disbelief. His lips trembled as he said, "I... I created you. I gave you life and a reason to exist, and you repay my kindness by trying to kill me?"
Linde gave a cold snort and answered, "Yep."
Monk instantly flew into a rage and began cursing. "Holy shit! You ungrateful bastard! Want to see me throw you straight back into that dark, lifeless world you came from, then have the Supreme People's Court hand you a harsh sentence for the crimes you committed in chapter one?!"
At those words, Linde's expression froze. He muttered guiltily, "I... I only took a look back then."
Monk sneered mockingly. "Hmph, that's fine. I didn't describe it in detail anyway, so nobody knows exactly what happened. Even if the judge decides you first * and then *, then * again after you finished *, that would be perfectly reasonable."
"Holy fuck! You're downright vicious!" Furious and frustrated, Linde turned toward all of you standing off to the side and shouted helplessly, "My dear readers, I've done everything I can! I really can't beat this ruthless bastard. I can't do it, so you're on your own!"
A sly gleam flashed in Monk's eyes, his gaze containing thirty percent mockery, thirty percent smugness, and forty percent chilling, seasoned cunning. "Heh heh heh..."
"Oh, right. About you setting me up against an actual god earlier-I still have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to win. How about giving me just a tiny clue or hint?" As Linde spoke, he cautiously edged a little closer to Monk, his eyes full of anticipation.
Monk froze for a moment at that, then changed the subject with a smile. "Don't worry, the exciting spacetime arc is about to begin! You need to have confidence in yourself. After all, you're the undisputed protagonist of this story!"
Linde: "..."
Linde paused for a while. "Still, that was pretty impressive. Tell me, how did you come up with making Spell Cards?"
"Well... I've been hinting at it for ages. Take a look at the title of chapter five." Monk waved a hand. "Actually, I wanted you to make some other things too. After all, Spell Cards themselves are a way of restricting magic."
"I know. I played two Touhou games before I crossed over. Some things really would be a bit too world-destroying without Spell Cards." Linde nodded.
"All right, I've padded this novel out to eighty thousand words now, so I'll send you back." Monk smiled and waved, wiped Linde's memories, and tossed him back.
Once all that was done, our miserable, pitiful, despairing Monk silently walked over to his computer. Looking at his completely deleted outline, he made up his mind.
Fuck writing outlines! From now on, I'm writing whatever comes to mind!
You readers can still rest assured when it comes to logic. After all, I'm a science student, and I'll do my best to pay off whatever foreshadowing I can later on.
Finally, thank you all for reading this far!