I really envy you

"Kill my own teammate with my own hands?"

Kakashi's words made Xia Yan freeze for a moment. He really had not expected Kakashi to ask such a strange and rude question.

But after thinking it over, he somewhat understood why Kakashi would ask that.

The nature of Anbu work destined it to be cold, ruthless, and bloody. Eliminating teammates who held them back during a mission was not out of the question!

One only had to look at Kirigakure's people. Their Anbu would even choose to kill all their own teammates to prevent intelligence from falling into enemy hands.

All of them!

And in most people's eyes, Anbu were actually all the same, regardless of which village they belonged to.

So it was perfectly normal for Kakashi to ask this question. After all, he too had once killed his own teammate with his own hands.

Even if it had been accidental, with blood already staining his hands, he would not think about such things.

Much less would he consider why his teammate had made that choice. He would only dwell on it, or rather, get stuck in a rut, convinced that he had done such a thing.

"Sorry, I don't know whether what I did counts."

With that thought, Xia Yan spoke in a very gentle voice, though his tone was somewhat ambiguous and carried a hint of a sigh.

"You know what Anbu missions are like, or you wouldn't have asked me this.

I also know what happened to you. In the Anbu, many things aren't really secrets.

But since you've asked, I can tell you about something.

It was probably my third year in the Anbu. We had a mission to seize intelligence from Iwagakure.

The operation went smoothly at first, but our luck turned afterward. Iwagakure's Anbu set their sights on us.

After a long pursuit, only one teammate and I remained. By then, he was already badly wounded..."

Although Xia Yan's voice remained gentle, a trace of sadness seemed to enter his tone.

Xia Yan had indeed experienced this himself. He was not making it up, though he was not actually quite so saddened by it.

But when telling a story, especially to someone like Kakashi, Xia Yan naturally knew what attitude would produce better results.

His story was actually simple. Back then, seeing that he was close to death, his badly wounded teammate had begged Xia Yan to complete the mission no matter what.

Beyond that, he had wanted Xia Yan to kill him!

Dying at the enemy's hands would be too humiliating, and if he were captured alive, his fate would be too horrible to contemplate.

The Anbu did have a technique that could dissolve their own bodies, but the pain it caused was even more unimaginable.

It would be better to have a teammate end his life quickly. That would spare him the pain, and his teammate was also an Anbu who knew how to dispose of a body.

But after hesitating for a moment over this request, Xia Yan had decisively refused and offered his teammate a suggestion instead.

"Rather than die by my hand, wouldn't it be better to lure the enemy away and wait for rescue?"

Xia Yan had actually meant exactly what he said, but under those circumstances, he seemed to have been misunderstood. That Anbu had thought Xia Yan was trying to encourage him to live.

Then he had chosen to trust Xia Yan, using the last of his chakra to create a Shadow Clone that took on Xia Yan's appearance and lured the enemy away.

As for the final outcome, suffice it to say that it had not been particularly pleasant.

Xia Yan had not chosen to go back and rescue him, but he had reported the matter to the captain, who likewise had made no plans for a rescue.

The matter had ended there, because they could essentially conclude that the Anbu had probably died in the line of duty.

But the story could be told this way. Xia Yan simply changed his own suggestion into something the Anbu had volunteered to do, instantly changing the entire flavor of the story.

"Actually, I should have killed him outright back then and eased his suffering."

After finishing his revised version of the story, Xia Yan could not help giving a soft sigh.

"Under those circumstances, with injuries that severe, he basically had no hope of survival.

Rather than let him suffer so much, I should have given him a quick end..."

At this point, Xia Yan paused and turned to look at Kakashi, whose visible expression through his mask betrayed confusion. Xia Yan's voice became exceptionally gentle.

"Actually, I really envy you, Kakashi," Xia Yan said softly.

"Me?" Kakashi came back to his senses, doubt appearing in his eyes.

"Yes." Xia Yan nodded. "Although I don't know what situation you faced, and can't judge what either of you was thinking at the time.

You did something I didn't dare to do. You're a hero, and a brave man.

And so was Rin.

For a samurai, swinging a sword only takes courage.

But for a ninja, especially when it's against your own teammate, there's far too much you have to bear."

Xia Yan seemed to be sighing, yet also seemed to be genuinely praising Kakashi, leaving Kakashi somewhat bewildered.

He understood perfectly well what Xia Yan meant, but he did not know how to respond.

He did not agree with Xia Yan's words, but for some reason, deep down, he desperately wanted to accept them.

That troubled, stifling feeling lingered in his heart. Could it be that what he had done, or rather, the choice Rin had made back then, had not been wrong?

Kakashi was deeply confused, but unfortunately, he could get no answer. Nor did he know what answer he truly wanted.

Seeing Kakashi fall silent, Xia Yan did not try to strike up another conversation.

He had deliberately steered certain things toward what Kakashi needed deep down, and that was enough for him. As for what came next, he could only wait and see.

Still, this guy approaching me on his own really was unexpected.

Was it his own idea, or did the Fourth Hokage give him some advice?

As they continued on their way, Xia Yan could not help thinking to himself that if his guess was right, things would become much more interesting.

Although at first he had only casually intended to fan the flames a little, his thinking had changed after obtaining Flying Thunder God.

Earlier, he had still been wondering whether this was good or bad, but Kakashi's current attitude seemed to indicate one thing: the Fourth Hokage bore him no ill will.

Looks like, with just a little more effort, I might be able to get Kakashi to do me a favor.

At that thought, a smile involuntarily appeared on Xia Yan's face beneath his mask, and his mood grew particularly bright.

But I still need to put in more effort. After we get back, I'll have to keep maintaining my relationship with Kakashi. And...

His system appeared in Xia Yan's vision once more. Looking at the thing that was more or less a stats panel, he could not help sighing softly again...