Chu Moqi wheeled himself inside without a word, the wheels grinding over the path, heavy and hurried.
Cui Wan trotted behind him, still holding the rabbit lantern high. Its warm glow shone on her face, and she was entirely unaware that the atmosphere ahead had already dropped to freezing.
She was still immersed in the rare joy of that evening, her voice light. "A-Qi, look! This is the rabbit lantern Young Master Li won by solving lantern riddles! Isn't it adorable?"
Chu Moqi turned his head.
That lantern, its warm yellow halo, its endearingly silly appearance, reflected in Cui Wan's sparkling eyes.
Li Yuezhou again!
Li Yuezhou gave it to her, and Wanwan carried it all the way back, happily telling him about it.
Chu Moqi looked at her face, faintly flushed with excitement, and suddenly found the lantern's light unbearably harsh. It stung his eyes until they ached, and his chest felt as though someone were slowly cutting it with a blunt knife.
His expression darkened terrifyingly.
Cui Wan finally noticed something was wrong. She stopped and cautiously moved a little closer, her voice soft and tentative. "A-Qi... are you in a bad mood?"
Chu Moqi said nothing, merely staring at her and the lantern in her hand.
His stare flustered Cui Wan. Instinctively, she hid the lantern behind her, then felt that was wrong and hurriedly brought it out again, offering it to him appeasingly. "Then I'll give the lantern to A-Qi. Please don't be unhappy anymore, all right?"
She thought he was merely sulking, as he had before, and that all she needed to do was coax him.
Chu Moqi snatched the lantern from her.
The rabbit's ears crumpled in his palm. Without so much as looking at it, he hurled it hard onto the ground-
The crack of bamboo splints breaking, the sound of paper tearing, Cui Wan's short cry of alarm.
Then the wheelchair rolled over that ruined clump of light.
He wheeled away very fast, almost fleeing as he rushed toward Orchid Courtyard.
Cui Wan stood rooted to the spot, staring at the rabbit lantern on the ground, already crushed beyond recognition. Her eyes reddened at once. She did not know what she had done wrong; she only felt terribly wronged and terribly afraid.
Gathering her skirts, she chased after him, her voice already thick with tears. "A-Qi! Are you unhappy because I came back too late? I'll come back earlier from now on, all right? Please don't be angry..."
Chu Moqi did not stop. His arms worked the wheel rims desperately, his chest heaving, his white breath rapid and ragged in the cold night. He did not know where he wanted to go. He only wanted to get farther away from her, farther still.
She chased behind him, calling "A-Qi" over and over.
He felt as though his entire body were about to explode. Anger, bitterness, and that irrepressible inferiority seeping out from his very marrow mingled together, burning until all his organs hurt.
Chu Moqi abruptly braked his wheelchair and turned around, his voice hoarse. "Do you truly not know what I'm angry about?"
Startled by his bloodshot eyes, Cui Wan shook her head blankly, tears clinging to her lashes.
She did not. She truly did not know. She had only run into Young Master Li and asked him to help save her father. He had agreed, so she had been grateful and spent a little while strolling with him, coming home late... She had thought A-Qi was merely angry about her late return.
Chu Moqi looked at her bewildered, innocent face. That anger had nowhere to escape, and all of it burned back upon himself.
He lowered his eyes, his lips twisting into an exceedingly ugly curve. Suddenly, his voice grew soft, so soft it sounded as though he were talking to himself. "Yes... a cripple like me, someone who struggles even to accompany you outside, really can do nothing but make unreasonable scenes at home."
"A-Qi isn't useless!" Cui Wan almost shouted, tears streaming down her face. "I didn't mean that... I never..."
She didn't mean that. But what about the truth?
Chu Moqi said nothing more. He turned back and continued onward. His arms seemed incapable of tiring, working again and again, his palms slapping loudly against the wheel rims. The cold wind poured into his sleeves, but he could not feel the chill. His palms burned with pain, but he could not feel that either. Only the heart in his chest felt as though someone had seized it, squeezing it tighter and tighter.
Cui Wan chased him all the way back to Orchid Courtyard, right to the door of his room.
Chu Moqi was almost out of strength. For those last few movements, he practically dragged himself through the doorway by sheer will. Both palms were rubbed crimson, the skin broken in several places, but he could not attend to them.
Cui Wan followed him inside, mud staining her hem and tear tracks covering her face.
"Get out." His voice was low and hoarse. He did not turn around.
Cui Wan did not move.
"I told you to get out!"
Still, she did not move. She simply stood behind him, amid the moonlight spilling across the floor that he had crushed beneath his wheels, looking at his rigid back, at his arms trembling slightly from overexertion.
Cui Wan only wept as she watched him.
Chu Moqi's hands trembled on the wheel rims.
At last, he conceded defeat.
"A-Qi..." Cui Wan took a step forward, her thin voice choked with sobs. "I only ran into Young Master Li on the way. His father and mine both serve in the Ministry of Works. I wanted... I wanted to beg him to help Father. He agreed, so I strolled with him for a while, and that was why I came back late..."
So that was it.
To save your father.
So you strolled with that man, accepted his lantern, smiled at him, and came home happy all the way.
She was explaining. She was admitting her mistake. She was coaxing him.
But listening only made Chu Moqi more furious.
Even now, she did not know what he was angry about. She thought he was merely angry that she had returned late, that she had accepted someone else's lantern. She did not know how deeply the thorn in his heart had stabbed when he saw her walking shoulder to shoulder with Li Yuezhou. She did not know that when Li Yuezhou said, "How lonely that must be," he had wanted to tear that man out of this world. She did not know how many times, during that quarter of an hour waiting at the gate, his mind had replayed, Does she think being with me is too dull? Does she regret marrying a useless man like me? Does she...
She knew nothing.
And the most pathetic thing was that he did not even have the right to be angry. Because Li Yuezhou had been right. He really was a useless man who could not even accompany her outside.
He was her husband, yet when she wanted to save her father, he was not the first person she thought of.
Because she knew that a paralyzed man like him, who could hardly even leave the residence, could be of what help?
The one she sought help from was Li Yuezhou, that able-bodied Li Yuezhou with a bright future, who could move freely through the Ministry of Works.
What did he count for?
Chu Moqi suddenly turned around, so quickly that even he had not anticipated it. He seized Cui Wan's wrist and yanked hard-Cui Wan cried out as she pitched forward, falling straight onto the inner side of the bed.
Chu Moqi did not know where he found the strength. Bracing both hands against the bed's edge, he forcibly dragged his lower body up. His legs trailed limply over the edge, swinging without sensation. But he could not attend to that. He knew only that he had to keep her before him and forbid her from leaving.
He leaned over her, trapping her between himself and the bed.
Cui Wan was frightened by this sudden brutality. She looked at Chu Moqi's face, so close to hers. His eyes were terrifyingly red, churning with something she had never seen before. She was afraid, her voice trembling. "A-Qi... I was wrong... don't... I was wrong..."
Chu Moqi's lips curved, bleak and mocking.
"You were wrong?" His voice was low and hoarse. "Wanwan... if you wanted to save your father, why didn't you discuss it with me? Why insist on pinning your hopes on someone you've only met a few times?"
He stared at her, enunciating every word. "Since when did the second young madam of my Marquis of Ningyang's Residence need to beg others like this?"
And you just strolled with him, all that way, accepted his lantern, smiled at him-
Do you truly not know that I would...
I would be jealous.
I would go mad.
I would be afraid.
Those words lodged in his throat, burning painfully, yet he could not utter a single one. He merely stared fixedly at her, at that little face crumpled with hurt and fear.
Stunned by his shouting, Cui Wan faltered. "A-Qi, I only..."
Only what? She did not know either. She only wanted to save her father, only wanted someone to help her, only thought Young Master Li was a good man willing to help... Had she done something wrong?
Chu Moqi gave her no further chance to speak.
His lips pressed down.
It was not a kiss. It was biting, venting. He ground forcefully and clumsily over her lips, carrying anger, hurt, and the despair surging from deep within his chest, so sour it turned bitter.
You are my wife.
You can't be with anyone else.
Don't despise me...
Please...
I'm afraid...
I'm afraid you'll despise me. I'm afraid you'll think any normal man is better than me.
The more Chu Moqi thought, the harder he bit, as though he meant to carve all those unspoken words between her lips and teeth.
Cui Wan cried in fright. She desperately pushed against his chest, but Chu Moqi did not budge. She sobbed into his mouth, mumbling indistinctly, "A-Qi, don't... it hurts..."
He could not stop.
He did not know how to stop.
He knew only that if he did not tear himself apart like this for her to see, the rotting inferiority growing wildly in the depths of his heart would swallow him whole.
When the taste of blood spread between their lips and teeth, Chu Moqi finally stopped.
He froze for an instant, feeling a sharp sting in his lower lip-Cui Wan had bitten him. She had been too frightened and instinctively bitten down with all her strength.
That pain was lucid and cold, wrenching him abruptly out of the vortex of madness.
Chu Moqi slowly released his hold on her, barely propping himself up on his arms. His head hung as he panted heavily, beads of blood dripping one after another from the corner of his mouth.
At last, he saw himself clearly.
His legs lay limp at the bed's edge like dead things, without sensation or strength. He could not even feel their existence. Dragging this broken shell, he had hurled his ugliest, maddest side before the one person he did not want to hurt.
He slowly brushed his thumb across the bloody corner of his mouth.
Then he smiled.
That smile was uglier than tears, carrying the tang of blood and self-mockery and despair too thick to dissolve.
"I'm sorry..." Cui Wan's tearful voice sounded beside his ear. She scrambled to prop herself up, reaching to wipe the blood still seeping from the corner of his mouth. "A-Qi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I-I was too frightened..."
Her hand had barely touched his face before Chu Moqi seized her wrist.
His grip was so strong that she sucked in a breath of pain.
Chu Moqi lifted his head and looked straight into her eyes. His gaze was too frightening-not anger, not ferocity, but a despair bordering on destruction, crushing himself to pieces and laying them out for her to see.
"Before," his voice rasped like a rusted blade, "weren't you always saying you wanted to consummate our marriage?"
Cui Wan froze, the tears still hanging from her lashes, forgotten before they could fall.
"And now this frightens you?" His grip tightened further around her wrist. "Even my kiss disgusts you... doesn't it?"
Chu Moqi's voice began to tremble, yet he stubbornly forced out every word. "This is how wretched I am. Now you know it all."
He released her wrist, his hand slowly sinking to his insensible leg. He pinched it hard and felt nothing, as though he were pinching a piece of dead wood.
"Look at my legs, too." Chu Moqi raised his head, blood at his lips and a nearly irrevocable, self-destructive smile in his eyes. "Well? Aren't they... hideous?"
Cui Wan shook her head desperately, tears scattering. "No, A-Qi, no..."
Chu Moqi closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the last remnant of burning flame had gone out, leaving only an ash-like emptiness.
"Get out."
He said it very softly, as softly as a sigh.
Cui Wan stared blankly at him, her hand still frozen in midair.
Chu Moqi did not look at her again. He merely, slowly, adjusted his powerless legs bit by bit and braced himself against the bed's edge to barely sit upright,
"A-Qi..."
"I told you to get out!" he repeated, his voice lower, yet carrying an unquestionable finality. "Don't you understand?"
Cui Wan finally stood, stumbling two steps backward. Her lips parted, wanting to say something, but only a broken sob emerged. She turned and staggered out.
The door stood open. Night wind poured in, making the candle flame sway violently.
Chu Moqi sat alone in the darkness, his back still holding that rigid, last shred of dignity.
He heard his own heartbeat, one beat after another, dull and hollow.
He remembered the way Cui Wan had looked at him just then-not fear, not disgust, but hurt, heartache, helplessness... Even after he had treated her like that, she had still reached out to wipe away his blood.
Such a good Wanwan.
Such a good Wanwan, frightened so badly by him. By this madman, this useless man, this... beast who could not control himself, who only hurled his most wretched side at those closest to him.
He had told himself over and over that he would not touch her.
He had held to it for nearly half a year, thinking he could keep holding to it forever.
And the result? It had taken only one Li Yuezhou, only a few idle remarks, for his true form to be exposed. In such a filthy, brutal way, he had poured all his long-accumulated inferiority and fear onto her.
He had hurt her. He had made her cry. He had even driven the gentle, timid Wanwan to bite him in self-defense.
Chu Moqi slowly lowered his head, supporting his heavy forehead with those hands rubbed raw and still faintly seeping blood.
How were the things he had just done any different from a beast's actions? No, he was worse than a beast-beasts acted only on instinct, but him? He had known what he was doing. Lucidly, he had allowed those dark, frenzied emotions to drown him, then used "inferiority" and "hurt" as excuses to make Cui Wan an outlet for his rage.
She did not even know what she had done wrong. She had only met someone, carried a lantern, and happily wanted to share it with him.
And he had crushed that lantern himself, nearly crushing her heart as well.
Wanwan had chased him all the way, crying and saying again and again, "A-Qi isn't useless," "A-Qi, don't be angry," "I'll come home earlier from now on"...
And what he had given her in return was biting, humiliation, and his ugliest self.
Chu Moqi's hands slowly slipped down to hang beside his knees.
He looked at those two insensible legs and suddenly found it utterly absurd.
He could not even catch up with her, keep her with him, or give her the tenderness and consideration a normal husband should. The only thing he could do was push her farther away.
He had promised not to touch her, promised not to let her see this wretchedness...
In the end, he had failed to restrain himself.
He had thrust his most disgusting side upon her, whole and complete.
The night wind gently rocked the door. In the distance, there seemed to be faint, barely audible sobs that could not be suppressed, drifting from the direction of Cui Wan's room, elusive as they pricked his heart like needles, again and again.
He did not move.
He simply sat there in the darkness, inside this shell that would not obey him.
The blood at the corner of his mouth had already dried. Its rusty tang still lingered on his tongue. It was her taste, and his own as well.
Chu Moqi slowly closed his eyes.
He did not know how long he sat like that...
Three days had passed.
Cui Wan sat beside the window. Outside, the sunlight was dazzling, bright enough to hurt the eyes. She turned her head away from that brightness.
She did not know what she was thinking either. A-Qi's eyes, the blood at the corner of his mouth, that dry, hoarse voice when he said "get out"... Whenever she closed her eyes, they swam before her.
The door made a soft sound.
Changfeng walked in, holding two skewers of bright red candied hawthorns.
"Madam," Changfeng paused, her voice flat, "that boy Yan Huai asked his sub... asked this servant to give these to you."
Cui Wan looked at the two skewers of candied hawthorns and froze for a moment. In the past, she would already have leaped up happily and gone over to ask, "Why did Yan Huai suddenly buy these for me?" But now, she merely shook her head gently, her voice muffled. "You and Qiaoju can have one each. I don't want any."
Changfeng did not move.
She stood there holding the candied hawthorns, as though holding some task she had to complete. After a moment of silence, she spoke again. "Yan Huai said... since the young master broke your lantern, these are an apology for you."
Cui Wan's eyelashes trembled slightly.
She slowly raised her hands and took the two skewers of candied hawthorns. The sugar coating glittered, reflected in her eyes, yet it also revealed the mist she had been struggling to hold back.
She looked down at them for a long while, then suddenly asked softly, "Why two?"
Changfeng paused.
For once, an expression something like "so she did ask that question after all" crossed her face. Then she said, "That question... I asked it too. Yan Huai said-"
She paused, as though trying hard to repeat the exact words. "The young master thought two skewers of candied hawthorns cost about as many copper coins as one lantern."
Copper coins.
Those two words abruptly choked back the tears that had been brimming in Cui Wan's eyes.
She glared at the candied hawthorns, then at Changfeng, her lips slowly forming a pout.
Copper coins? He converted that rabbit lantern into copper coins, then used two skewers of candied hawthorns to settle the debt? This man... how could he be like this! As if she cared how many copper coins that lantern was worth!
Yet she could not say what she was angry about. She merely puffed out her cheeks and stared at the two skewers of red fruit.
A moment later, she stood, clutching the candied hawthorns, and walked out without looking back.
Changfeng opened her mouth, but in the end, she did not ask, "Where are you going, madam?"
She had seen which direction Cui Wan was heading.
The study door stood ajar. All was quiet inside.
Cui Wan stood in the doorway and took a deep breath. Without knocking, she pushed the door open and went straight in.
Chu Moqi had been gazing out the window in a daze. At the sound of the door, he turned and saw Cui Wan standing squarely in the doorway, holding up two skewers of bright red things.
His pupils contracted slightly. He recognized what they were almost instantly. When he had instructed Yan Huai to take care of this, he had used all his strength to keep his tone level, as though he were merely handling some ordinary chore. But he had not expected Yan Huai to accomplish it so quickly, much less that Cui Wan would... stand before him like this, holding them.
His expression turned cold, that habitual, instinctive defensiveness.
"Get out." He averted his gaze.
Cui Wan did not move.
Not only did she not leave, she walked straight in and plopped down on the carpet beside his wheelchair, sitting extremely close to him.
Chu Moqi's back stiffened slightly.
"One for A-Qi," she said, holding a skewer of candied hawthorns out to him, her soft voice carrying a touch of stubbornness that brooked no refusal. "And one for me."
Chu Moqi did not take it. He did not even look at the candied hawthorns right in front of him.
"I don't eat snacks like these."
After a pause, he suddenly realized that was the wrong thing to say and immediately added, "Oh, no, these candied hawthorns aren't from me... I never gave you any... it was Yan Huai..."
He could not go on.
The more he tried to paint it over, the blacker it became.
Chu Moqi simply shut his mouth, his jaw tightening into a cold, hard line as he stared at the gray-white daylight outside the window, as though some extraordinary sight there demanded his full attention.
Cui Wan said nothing. She just held up the candied hawthorns and watched him quietly.
One breath.
Two breaths.
Three breaths.
Her gaze was warm and soft, yet it brushed against his heart again and again, making him uncomfortable all over.
At last, Chu Moqi could bear it no longer and darted a glance at her.
She was looking at him, her eyes bright and her lips pressed together slightly. She looked neither aggrieved nor angry, but wore an expression he could not describe, one that made his heart flutter with unease.
"A-Qi, eat with me," she said, her voice soft and sweet, as though wheedling, yet also as though refusing to play fair. "Otherwise... I won't accept A-Qi's apology."
Chu Moqi's Adam's apple bobbed.
"...When did I apologize?"
His voice was stiff, but even he could hear how little conviction it held.
Cui Wan said nothing. She simply kept holding up that skewer of candied hawthorns, bringing it to his lips as she watched him without blinking.
She just looked at him like that.
Just as she had three nights ago, when he had shouted, "Get out!" and she had stood in the doorway looking at him, tears flowing silently.
And just as she had even earlier, when she had thrown herself into his arms in the snow and tilted her little face up to declare smugly, "Now A-Qi can't hit back!" Her eyes had curved into crescents, brimming with unreserved joy.
Chu Moqi thought he would probably never be able to do anything about her.
He lowered his head and leaned forward slightly, taking the topmost candied hawthorn into his mouth from the skewer she held.
The sugar shell cracked between his teeth. The tartness of hawthorn mingled with the sweetness of malt sugar, melting across his tongue.
He did not look at her.
Cui Wan said nothing either.
She brought her own skewer to her lips and licked the sugar shell in tiny strokes, making very, very soft sounds of contentment.
The pale sunlight spilled in through the window, falling on the tiny, narrow gap between them.
Changfeng drew back from peeking through the crack in the doorway and gently closed the door for them.
Yan Huai was waiting some distance away under the covered walkway. When he saw her emerge, he whispered, "H-how did it go?"
Changfeng did not answer. She walked straight past him and punched him in the stomach, making him cry out, "Ow!"
Only the corners of her mouth seemed to curve upward ever so slightly.