I'll Tell You A Joke: The Author Never Dabbles

The insect room in the Matou Residence... after Jizi and Sakura cleaned it up, it could now be called a basement. In the center, two men were reenacting a chase. One, clad in dark blue heavy armor, fled while the other, wearing a gray-blue hoodie and with white hair, pursued closely. However, neither of their movements carried any real force, as if they were deliberately acting.

On the stairs leading to the basement—which, for some reason, were shrouded in white mist, creating a feeling of being amongst the clouds—stood a magnificent, red-haired giant. Before him, the mist condensed into a large circle, and within the circle, the scene in the basement was displayed. The man, frowning as he watched the circle, spoke in a booming voice: "Ah, I saw with my own eyes our beloved being chased, fleeing along the city walls. Hector, I pity him. He often offered me the rich thigh-meat of sacrificial bulls on the high peaks of the rugged Mount Ida, or in the devout temple of Troy. Now, surrounded by the brave Achilles, he is merely pursued around the capital of Priam. Gods, think carefully and help me decide whether to save his life or let this noble man fall today by the hand of Achilles, the son of Peleus."

As soon as he finished speaking, another graceful figure emerged from the mist. Her voice was clear, melodious, and captivating, and her words were like a song: "Father who throws lightning, god of gathering clouds, what are you saying! The fate of a mortal man destined to die is already set. Do you wish for him to escape a terrible death? You decide, but do not expect our praise."

The giant's expression showed hesitation, but it lasted only a moment. He quickly replied, "Tritogeneia, dear child, do not be anxious. What I said is not a plan. May it be as you wish. Do as you please, and do not delay."

The graceful woman reached her hand into the mist surrounding her, pulled off a piece of cloud like cotton candy, and stood upon it. Riding the cloud, she floated to the side of the white-haired man and spoke with winged words: "Achilles, son of Zeus! We wish for the Achaeans to return to their ships victorious today. The untamable Hector will be killed by us. It is now impossible for him to escape our grasp, no matter how much Apollo, the archer god, tries to help him, or even begs father Zeus, the great shield-bearer. You, stop your steps and catch your breath. I will go forward to find him and persuade him to fight you."

The white-haired man wore a bitter smile. He said in a helpless tone, "Caster..."

The woman directly interrupted him: "Ah, it seems this prolonged chase has tired you and made your mind hazy. Swift-footed Achilles, you actually called my name wrong. I am Athena, the protector of Athens, the mistress of war and wisdom."

"Heh heh..."

... I'm sure readers can guess the situation, but I'll explain it anyway...

The negotiation with the Rider team went unbelievably smoothly. However, when you think about Rider's personality, it's quite reasonable. Without much effort, Jizi found the Makige couple's home. Jizi boldly knocked on the door and, using the identity of "Webber's classmate from his studies in Canada," gained the trust of the two elders and secured an opportunity for a meeting with the Rider team.

The meeting was very simple—because it's not easy to lie under the piercing gaze of the King of Conquerors of Macedonia. Moreover, even if she did lie, with the king's ability to discern people, she would surely be seen through. Therefore, Jizi adopted a direct approach.

Berserker's identity and aspirations, the grievances of the Three Families, Sakura and Yanye's situation, the truth and darkness behind the Holy Grail War, Angra Mainyu and the Black Grail, and Jizi's own goals—basically, except for her identity as a transmigrator, Jizi revealed everything she could.

The source of this complete trust, of course, was Jizi's understanding of Alexander-Iskandar's personality.

And Rider, as expected of a powerful hero, perhaps sensing the sincerity in Jizi's eyes, agreed to Jizi's conditions after a short period of thought. The two parties formed an alliance of mutual offense and defense. [System Prompt: King of Conquerors joined the party. King of Conquerors' Queen Consort joined the party.]

What were the conditions? Please, it couldn't be more obvious—Chang Jiang needed to settle things with Artoria (or perhaps just wanted to be S'd unilaterally?). Jizi wanted to purify the Holy Grail, and the Great King would take the finally purified Holy Grail. On the Master side, Yanye wanted to beat up Tokiomi, and the Queen Consort wanted to prove that even without an excellent bloodline, she could become an independent mage. Since the goals of these individuals did not have irreconcilable conflicts, they could happily play together, each getting what they needed in the end, leading to universal happiness.

The plan proceeding was a cause for celebration. According to general thinking, at this point, they should have combined the strength of the three Servants and crushed everything with absolute power. Unfortunately, the three individuals here all had quirks that couldn't be judged by normal moral standards.

For example, Chang Jiang, although he might fight Saber later, would definitely do so in the form of a knightly duel. Furthermore, Rider did not want to end the Holy Grail War so early. Rather, he wanted to use this rare stage to interact with heroes and heroes from different eras, and if possible, recruit them under his banner. If they were characters he couldn't recruit, then he'd have a magnificent clash. As for Jizi, who should have been the most anxious about the war's progress, she stated that she never considered herself a DPS, which is why she kept looking for cannon fodder... allies. Since the allied forces had no intention of actively attacking, she could only go out at night to fight some *******, fight some Assassins, and so on. Speaking of Assassins, after Jizi's divine intervention, these guys became more cunning. As soon as they sensed Jizi's presence, they would retreat at the fastest speed, making it impossible to do anything.

As for the Masters' thoughts? Heh, Yanye, who naturally only had one Command Seal left, didn't need to be mentioned—besides, this guy was busy controlling a loli. As for the Queen Consort, could you expect him, known as the "total sub" of the Fourth War and the "number one female lead" of F/Z, to be able to command Rider?

So, what were these guys doing now?

As the saying goes, when one is well-fed, one thinks of lust; when one is idle, one gets bored. So, out of boredom, they started acting foolishly (and remember Jizi's mental pollution buff?). For example, the scene at the beginning of this chapter was a recreation of Rider's favorite work—The Iliad.

Rider, said to be the son of Zeus, played the role of Father Zeus. Jizi played Athena. Sakura the loli, after a brief cameo as Aphrodite, watched the play from the audience. Chang Jiang, with his strong physique, played the great hero Hector, which was not out of place. But having Yanye play the valiant Achilles... Heh, the reason he was still cooperating with the performance now was that Sakura seemed interested in this play (or farce?). Damn loli-con!

As for Webber...

"Is this the face that launched a thousand ships and burned the towering citadel of Ilion?"

Being held by the chin and teased by Rider was a "beauty" dressed in a gorgeous long dress, with cascading ink-black hair. Her skin was milky white like milk. Her lips, coated with some unknown cosmetics, shimmered like pearls. Her beautiful face was as if cut according to the golden ratio. Her large black eyes, with just a glance, seemed to possess a thousand charms and ten thousand tender affections, pouring out the emotions in the master's heart. Any man would offer his life to dispel the sorrow deep within those bright eyes. She was the most beautiful woman in the West—Helen. Her small mouth, as it opened and closed, uttered words that could make emperors and generals forget their kingdoms...

"Rider! I'm really fed up with you! This is the Holy Grail War! Why are you all like this! Have some self-awareness! I didn't cross thousands of miles from the Clock Tower to be here playing house with you! Every time, you always come to mock me. Did I do something wrong? Those pedantic old fools were jealous of me, so they stole my thesis... Now you are too... I just want to prove myself!"

Oh dear, it seems I've gone too far...

"Hahaha, my little Master, you..."

"I don't want to hear you talk! You're supposed to be my Servant, right? My familiar? Why are you always acting on your own initiative? And this inexplicable alliance, you didn't even ask for my opinion at all!"

"Um," Jizi interjected, "what would happen if I asked for your opinion? Would you make a different choice? Our three-party alliance is the best option. As someone who always claims to be an excellent mage, can't you figure this out? Besides, we have three Servants here, and the Holy Grail is almost within our grasp..."

"That's not it! This isn't the victory I want! If I win by relying on the Servant's strength, my value as a mage won't be shown at all..."

Is he throwing a tantrum now? In the original work, it seemed like Master Webber only started acting tsundere after witnessing the King's Army. Hmm, it seems I've influenced the plot. But since it's happening now, let me educate you properly. Boys who are so cute... it's quite enjoyable—by Jizi, who was smiling creepily.

"Then what do you wish for from the Holy Grail? If that wish is enough to impress me, then I..." x2

"...The Witch of Flames..."

"...King of Conquerors..."

"...hereby obey your command without hesitation." x2

Looking at the two Servants who spoke in unison and bowed to her in the same manner, Webber couldn't find words to respond. At this moment, he truly felt the seriousness from these two guys he considered the most unreliable.

This feeling lasted for about five seconds before being ruined by the next sentence from the two of them.

"But after all, your wish is to grow taller..."

"Well, considering your physique, the wish to grow taller is indeed quite significant. Then, for the sake of your height, allow me to offer my humble assistance..."

"It's my fault for having expectations of you... Are all heroes like this?"

"Uncle Yanye, what's wrong with this uncle?" The boy, who had been petted by Jizi and his husband (?) after getting agitated and was now in a dejected squatting pose, received another heavy blow—Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!!!! This little girl called me Uncle!

"Ah ha, ah ha ha, Sakura, let's go cook. This, um, Uncle has something to discuss with Caster and Rider." Comrade Yanye was a good at covering up. Webber was now ashen-faced, with a giant rock visible above his head, inscribed with two characters—Uncle.

"Hmm?" Although she didn't understand what was happening—in Sakura's view, everyone was happily playing together, and then this uncle, who looked very pretty in women's clothes (Jizi: I have special makeup skills!), suddenly "couldn't play anymore"—Sakura, who had received lifelong Tohsaka education, was quite obedient to Yanye. After saying goodbye to everyone, she left the basement.

"Caster sister, Rider uncle, Chang Jiang uncle, very pretty uncle, I take my leave." From these titles, Yanye felt a sense of mission to keep Sakura away from Jizi, the source of pollution.

"Okay, Sakura." "See you later, beautiful lady." "Bang!" "Bang!" (The latter two sounds were of two more giant rocks—one inscribed with "Uncle Chang Jiang" and the other with "Very Pretty Uncle"—falling onto certain people's heads...)

... I originally wanted to end this chapter and start a new (filler) chapter to tease Master Webber, but I decided against it. It's better to resolve such literary plots in one chapter and continue with the lighthearted route. Anyway, I said I'd write 18,000 words a week, not X updates a week, so as long as the word count is sufficient, it doesn't matter... right?

"Boy, what do you think of the Holy Grail War?"

"Of course, it's to prove my..."

"Wrong! The Holy Grail War is not your entire life. No matter how mysterious or grand it is rumored to be, it's just a two-week magic ritual. Do you expect your entire value to be realized in these two weeks? You should at least use fifty years!!"

"..."

"It seems you still can't accept it, so let's change the subject. Young man, what do you think a hero should be like?"

Hearing this question, Weber instinctively looked around. Sitting beside him was the renowned Alexander the Great; across from him sat Lancelot, the first knight of King Arthur's Round Table. And the one asking him the question was a beautiful woman, Caster, whose specific deeds he didn't know but was certain she had a remarkable legend. Being able to sit and converse with these individuals was an honor that could be boasted about for generations. This thought entered Weber's mind once he calmed down.

But, but they don't look like great people at all, why are they called heroes? This question continued to trouble Weber.

"Do heroes have to be those idealized figures, who never make mistakes, possess immense power, and have noble character?" Without waiting for Weber's response, Caster threw out another question.

"Those kinds of..."

"That kind of thing is just a symbol, manipulated by the set justice of the mundane world like a puppet. If it were a play, it might attract many admirers, but as a person—without a distinct personality and backbone, unable to stand at the forefront to inspire others with their ideals, to conquer others with their charisma, why should they be praised for eternity? Therefore, a hero doesn't have to be a perfect person, but they must be the most distinctive!"

After hearing Caster's speech, Rider nodded in agreement, saying, "I didn't expect Caster, a woman, to have such insight. With such spirit, if you were a man, you would surely become a hegemon."

"You flatter me, King of Conquerors," Caster thought, This is originally your theory, I'm just a plagiarist. So, she didn't continue the topic. Instead, she turned to Weber, who was still processing the concept of "hero," and said, "Do you know, Weber, you also have the potential of a hero."

"Ah... what... I won't fall for your malicious jokes again!"

"As an ordinary magus, you know your own insignificance, yet you still have the drive to improve, holding a wish in your heart that far exceeds your abilities. In past eras, this was the principle of how to conduct oneself in life!"

"Are you mocking me for being an idiot?"

How did he interpret it that way... Is it useless if it's not my husband's desire? Caster looked helplessly at the Queen Consort, who seemed about to get angry again. Just as she was about to say something more, her shoulder was suddenly grabbed by a pair of large hands and shaken.

"Oh, oh, oh! I didn't expect Caster, your philosophy is exactly the same as mine! As expected of the Queen I personally chose! Let me say it again, become my woman, share the joy of conquering the world with me, and reach the shores of Okeanos together!"

Caster: Damn it, I knew plagiarizing others' intellectual property would have consequences, especially when the original is right in front of me...

But these are not reasons for you, you big brute, to take such liberties! Accept the purification of fire!

Thus, the atmosphere that seemed to be heading towards a serious plot was completely ruined, and Caster, Rider, and Weber began their usual commotion...

However, Berserker, who had been a mere bystander for a long time, showed a thoughtful expression after hearing Caster's concept of a hero, which she used to guide Weber.