Noodle-Wenches

Qin Luming carefully wiped down the phone he had picked up, slipped it into his pocket, then used a ride-hailing app to call a car home.

Privately owned means of transportation registered with the traffic network—including jetliners, airships, helicopters, yachts, sedans, and so on—could easily leave conspicuous travel records.

Buses, taxis, and ride-hailing cars were much the same. These days, cameras were everywhere except deep in the wilderness. Qin Luming was a law-abiding citizen and did not mind.

After returning home, Qin Luming took off his shoes and socks and walked into the center of the living room. He saw Caicai standing atop a robot vacuum with her arms folded across her chest, looking imposing as though she were inspecting her territory while directing the vacuum around the room.

Qin Luming remembered that she had broken the previous robot vacuum after only three days. Back then, she had not yet thought of standing on one to play.

Qin Luming ignored Caicai and asked Zuozuo, who was searching through the carpet in front of the television, "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the tooth I lost yesterday," Zuozuo said in a lowered voice. "I don't remember where I put it. I hid it in the carpet with the pointy end facing up, so when Caicai sat down to watch TV, it would kill her."

"Kill her? You'd need a tooth like ivory for that." Qin Luming turned and went to check the storage room. They had gone to the supermarket today, and they had bought everything on the list he had written. They had not brought back a dozen or so durians, either, but they had bought enough cola to bathe in, along with eight bags of flour.

Qin Luming took out three packets of instant noodles and headed to the kitchen. It was not always the two of them who prepared dinner.

Qin Luming found several white truffles in the walk-in refrigerator, cleaned them with a scraper, and sliced them. Caicai rode the robot vacuum into the kitchen. "Brother Luming, Zuozuo said she wants ham. Put the pigskin shaved off the ham into her bowl."

After saying that, Caicai did not stay to watch whether Qin Luming did as she said. She simply directed the robot vacuum out of the kitchen again.

Qin Luming took out a ham, peeled off its outer layer of pigskin, and threw it all into the trash. Then he used a slicer to shave off meat as thin as candy wrappers, piling it onto a plate before wrapping the remaining ham in foil and putting it away... Eating just a few slices of the stuff became cloying, but Zuozuo loved it.

He also had to cut some vegetables for Caicai. Other than loving vegetables, Caicai had no other picky eating habits. Qin Luming added radish, corn kernels, shredded choy sum, and wasabi leaves, putting them in one portion after another.

Once the three servings of instant noodles were ready, Qin Luming rang the bell. The two little girls ran in and sat with him at the long dining counter to eat noodles.

"I love wasabi! I like wasabi! But it covers up all the other aromas. Still, it's really tasty!" Caicai closed her eyes and took a sip of soup, then turned to look at Zuozuo's noodle bowl. "You didn't eat the pigskin from the ham."

"If you want some, I'll cook you a serving." Zuozuo guzzled down half a bottle of cola and blew a puff of carbon dioxide-filled breath at Caicai. "I can even boil you, you fat vegetable, along with it."

"You fat pig trotter."

"If I'm a pig trotter, then so are you."

"I'm not! You are!"

Watching the two of them bicker again and drag him into it, Qin Luming quietly drank soup and ate noodles. He could not help wondering whether, since left and right hands could turn into little girls, creatures like Noodle-Wenches might also appear. For example:

A shut-in named Little L lived alone, with instant noodles accompanying him through spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

Then one day, all his instant noodles turned into all sorts of... Noodle-Wenches.

Golden Soup Beef Noodle-Wench was a tall blonde foreign beauty with an exceptionally voluptuous figure and an older-sister aura. One of her ancestor cows possessed British royal blood, and she always carried a long smoking pipe. But what burned inside was only mint leaves, so her breath and body carried no smell of smoke.

Braised Beef Noodle-Wench was a mature woman, proper and elegant. Her true identity was the most senior authority in the instant noodle world, an elder guardian of that world, and the leader among the Noodle-Wenches.

Tonkotsu Ramen Noodle-Wench was a Japanese-style girl in a JK uniform, a cute anime-loving otaku girl who was especially good at otaku dances. Whenever she heard the song "Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss," she could not help swaying her body.

Bamboo Shoot Pork Noodle-Wench was a traditional Jiangnan lady, gentle and refined, proficient in music, chess, calligraphy, painting, poetry, and song. At the same time, she was the leader of a hidden Jiangnan martial sect. Her relationship with Braised Beef Noodle-Wench was not particularly harmonious, and they often tore into each other with smiles on their faces.

Though they had become Noodle-Wenches, that did not mean Little L could not eat them, because whenever their hair was cut, it turned into instant noodles!

As for the seasoning packets... Little L could not eat Dry Instant Noodles, could he? To obtain seasoning packets, he had to win their hearts... Then he could happily soak his noodles.

As time passed, Little L became inseparable from several Noodle-Wenches. But then new Noodle-Wenches appeared, and they actually showed signs of wanting to steal Little L away. The Little Crispy Noodles-Wench, a little girl who always wore a raccoon hood, gathered intelligence on the enemies:

They included Tom Yum Noodle-Wench from Southeast Asia! Tom Yum Noodle-Wench always carried an enormous red shrimp plush toy, and her family had been poor when she was young.

Kimchi Noodle-Wench from Kimchi Country! Kimchi Noodle-Wench was currently selling products through social media and owned a cosmetic surgery hospital, but she claimed that her entire body was completely natural. She looked utterly flawless and was talented in many areas. Unlike Tonkotsu Ramen Noodle-Wench, she specialized in Korean girl-group dances!

Tonkotsu Ramen Noodle-Wench from Neon! What was the difference between her and the Tonkotsu Ramen Noodle-Wench in Little L's home? This Tonkotsu Ramen Noodle-Wench from Neon was the center of a girl group called SB48! She was known as the most beautiful girl since the birth of humanity, and she was preparing to become an adult film actress. Her first work would be with Takizawa... no, with Hashimoto Kanna.

And Luzon Soup Noodle-Wench from Banana Country. She always wore a maid outfit and silently followed behind the older sisters, occasionally looking at Little L with pitiful eyes. But in truth, she was the head of Banana Country's narcotics unit and had killed countless drug traffickers. A pistol and dagger were always strapped to her thigh.

Thinking this far, Qin Luming could not help laughing. He found it quite amusing, but Zuozuo and Caicai's bickering beside him also brought him back to his senses... If so many Noodle-Wenches gathered around him too, there was probably no chance his life would ever be peaceful. It could work as a novel idea, but actually living together with them was better left alone.

After finishing his bowl of noodles and having Zuozuo and Caicai clean up the kitchen, Qin Luming returned to the study. He took out the phone he had picked up today, checked its charging port, and plugged in the correct charging cable.

"Check charger/USB port. Moisture has been detected in your charger/USB port. Before charging your phone, make sure the port is completely dry. It may take some time for the port to dry."

The phone lit up and displayed that message, then went dark again. It could not be charged.

Qin Luming remembered that it had indeed rained yesterday. That meant this phone had been lost there at least since yesterday... perhaps even earlier.

Qin Luming stopped using the cable and placed the phone directly onto the wireless charging pad, waiting for it to charge.