Big E's Box

"Hello, you have a package. I left it at the supermarket by the entrance to your residential complex."

After taking the call, Chen Xi went downstairs cursing, dissatisfied with how increasingly perfunctory delivery services had become.

They used to at least bring it downstairs and call out. Now they just tossed it at the entrance to the complex. Home delivery was nothing but empty words.

It wasn't like he couldn't understand that the sheer volume of deliveries nationwide had left couriers severely understaffed, but that still wasn't a reason not to curse them out.

Understanding was one thing. Cursing to vent his feelings was another.

When he reached the supermarket at the entrance of the complex, Chen Xi cursed even more viciously, because his package was a massive box one meter on each side—the kind that was hard even to carry.

If he hadn't been fairly familiar with the supermarket owner and borrowed a small handcart, Chen Xi wouldn't even have been able to get it home.

Only after hauling the box home and returning the handcart did Chen Xi finally open it.

Then his face showed surprise, delight, and confusion all at once.

Inside the cardboard shipping box was another box, this one made of metal. It was full of technological flair and sharply angular lines, yet lavishly decorated, carrying a rugged mechanical aesthetic. On its front was the emblem of a Double-Headed Eagle.

"By the Emperor's asshole! What the hell is this? I don't remember buying any Warhammer merch!" Chen Xi said in confusion as he lifted the metal box from the shipping carton.

As he picked it up, he discovered that although the box looked like it was a meter square, it was surprisingly light. He lifted it easily.

"What is this? There isn't even an instruction manual. How am I supposed to open it?" Chen Xi poked and prodded the box, feeling around for ages without figuring it out.

It wasn't until he touched a skull-shaped decoration on the side that he activated the box... no, rather, he activated the skull embedded in it.

"Genetic verification incomplete. Unable to initiate."

"Authorization activated. Current authorization level: Level I. Available unit points: 0/500."

"Current mission: Inactive."

"Please complete the beginner's guide as soon as possible to activate missions. For the Emperor!"

Hearing that mechanical "For the Emperor," Chen Xi nearly lost it and almost dropped to his knees to kowtow to Big E.

But he quickly calmed down and began wondering who had set this whole thing up for him.

"The craftsmanship is pretty exquisite, and it's made of metal. This kind of workmanship would cost at least several thousand..." Chen Xi knocked on the box again and felt it all over. "But what the hell is inside such a huge box? Don't tell me it just has a voice recording in it?"

Chen Xi placed his hand on the skull. When he tapped it and discovered that it really felt like bone, his expression changed slightly. Muttering to himself, he said, "Did someone really spend that much to get me an actual human skull? Is this a resin cast or 3D printed? How do I start this thing?"

"Please input a genetic sample."

The skull's eye sockets lit up red. Then its jaw sprang open, revealing a gap large enough to insert a finger.

"Fuck, don't tell me this is really going to pull some cheesy blood-binding-owner nonsense?" Chen Xi stared at the opening. After hesitating for a moment, he gritted his teeth, shut his eyes, and stuck his hand inside.

"Ah!" Chen Xi yelped, as though something had bitten his hand.

In truth, it wasn't far off. When Chen Xi pulled his hand back out, there was a blood-draw puncture on his finger. Clearly, he really had been pricked just now.

"Fuck, it really is blood-binding-owner." Chen Xi cursed. After sucking on his finger, he hurriedly searched for a bandage.

Meanwhile, the box in front of him completed its authentication process.

"Genetic sample recorded. Genetic verification successful. One hundred percent human genes. No Warp contamination detected. No genetic mutations detected."

"Relevant authorization bound. Current authorization level: Level I. Available unit points: 0/500."

"Authorization activated. Current authorization level: Level I. Available unit points: 0/500."

"Current mission: Inactive."

"Please complete the beginner's guide as soon as possible to activate missions. For the Emperor!"

Then the top of the box opened. Splitting down the middle along the golden Double-Headed Eagle emblem, it unfolded to either side into a rectangular case two meters long and one meter wide, nearly filling Chen Xi's room.

The sight startled Chen Xi so badly that he took a step back. Luckily, the model display shelf was behind him, so he didn't fall over.

If it had only been a box, it wouldn't have frightened him that much. But then the skull embedded in the box flew up by itself and floated right in front of Chen Xi. That truly scared him speechless.

"Omnissiah, is this really a Servo-skull?" Chen Xi carefully extended a hand toward it, seemingly wanting to touch it.

But the skull merely shot two red beams from its eye sockets, scanning across Chen Xi's body. Then it spoke again in that rigid electronic voice. "Facial and body data recorded. Begin beginner's guide?"

"Hold it right there! What exactly are you? And what the hell is going on here?" Chen Xi stopped the skull, trying to ask what was happening.

Although he was a Warhammer fan, with at least twenty thousand points' worth of Warhammer miniatures displayed in the two-meter-tall cabinet behind him, and although he usually yelled things like "the Emperor's asshole," having an actual Servo-skull floating in front of him was another matter entirely.

Especially for a Warhammer fan, Warhammer was a goddamn world not even dogs would go to! Big E was the worst kind of bastard! Anyone who went to work for him had clearly had their brain blessed by Nurgle!

Still, Chen Xi couldn't exactly ignore such a huge Servo-skull in front of him, not to mention that enormous box. He really wanted to know what this was all about.

Travelers who discovered they had ended up in the Warhammer universe would cry like a Gretchin whose toes had been stepped on, and their systems would uninstall themselves the instant they learned they had arrived in the Warhammer universe.

But for a Warhammer fan, if there really were a chance, who wouldn't want to wear Power Armor, swing a buzzing Chainsword, and shout that they were fighting for humanity?

In response to Chen Xi's question, the red lights in the Servo-skull's eye sockets flickered. It then flew back and used the mechanical arm beneath it to take a roll of parchment bearing a Purity Seal from the box, handing it to Chen Xi.

"This craftsmanship... damn, if I took a picture and posted it in the group chat, wouldn't those guys be jealous to death?!" Though he said that, Chen Xi immediately tore open the Purity Seal and unfurled the parchment before him.

As he spread the parchment open, a golden light burst forth from it. Chen Xi screamed again and couldn't help cursing, "Big E, I'll fuck your ￥@#&@*(%...(...))"