Gilderoy Lockhart

The first week of life at Hogwarts passed by peacefully enough.

Strictly speaking, Hogwarts was indeed an outstanding school of magic. The teachers of its major subjects were all highly skilled, formidable adult wizards—with the exception of Defence Against the Dark Arts. The students' food, lodging, and daily needs were all excellently provided for, making life here quite comfortable. Hogwarts Library was also one of the largest libraries in all of Europe, housing nearly ten thousand books of every kind...

Perhaps the only thing worth complaining about was the complicated, troublesome staircases.

Hogwarts had no fewer than one hundred and forty-two staircases. Some were broad and grand; others were narrow, small, and wobbly. Some led somewhere different every Friday; on others, a step would suddenly vanish halfway up, and you had to remember where to jump...

Still, those staircases were understandable...

After all, when Hogwarts was first established, it had been intended not merely as a school, but also as a fortress.

Before the tenth century, the Muggles of the time—ordinary people—had greatly feared magic and persecuted wizards without restraint during the Witch Hunt... Young wizards who had yet to receive systematic education lacked the strength to fight back against Muggles. Not to mention magical races such as goblins, giants, and Werewolves, who likewise watched wizards covetously, waiting for an opportunity to attack.

That was why Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin had built this castle together. It was both a school for teaching young wizards and a fortress that protected them from persecution.

The countless secret passages and complicated staircases were intended to protect young wizards and obstruct invaders should Hogwarts ever come under attack.

Unfortunately, Jon did not have the Marauder's Map—it was already in the Weasley twins' hands—and the Basilisk would soon begin prowling Hogwarts at night... Otherwise, he truly would have liked to thoroughly explore the school's hidden secrets.

Exploring Hogwarts was no easy task. Though caretaker Argus Filch was a Squib, he knew Hogwarts's secret passages better than most students, and he also had an exceptionally clever cat, Mrs. Norris... Breaking school rules right in front of them was a dangerous thing.

Besides the four main subjects—Transfiguration class, Charms class, Herbology class, and Potions class, each held three times a week—Jon and the others followed Professor Aurora Sinistra every Wednesday night, using telescopes to observe the stars and learn the names of different stars and the paths of the planets.

A History of Magic was held on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Its teacher was a ghost: Professor Binns. His voice during lessons was monotonous and dull, enough to make anyone drowsy...

However, Professor Binns's knowledge of magical history was almost astonishing. Jon had once asked him several questions in class about the International Statute of Secrecy, enacted in 1689, and he had answered them with barely any thought at all...

Judging from his old-fashioned attire, Jon even suspected that he might have lived in the same era as the four Founders.

Flying class on Thursday mornings was Jon's least favorite lesson. It was taken jointly by Hufflepuff and Slytherin.

After the first Flying class, Jon had come to a profound realization: he had virtually no talent for Quidditch.

During that first lesson, it had taken him around ten minutes just to make his Flying Broomstick fly into his hand... And while in the air, if Madam Hooch had not reacted so quickly, he would have nearly had an intimate encounter with Hogwarts Castle.

Zacharias Smith had performed the best in Flying class. Starting from Thursday noon, every time he was in the Great Hall, he spent half an hour bragging about how wonderful flying felt and how, in his second year, he would definitely replace Cedric Diggory as Hufflepuff's Seeker.

Jon's Flying class performance was almost among the worst in the class. It was probably his poorest subject of all.

The only consolation was that Astoria performed about as well as he did in Flying class. Once she mounted a Flying Broomstick, she too became a "landwalker."

Landwalker or not, it did not stop Jon from complaining about Quidditch's rules.

The other players worked themselves to death for ten points per goal, while the Seeker caught the Snitch for a straight hundred and fifty points, ending the match in the process... How was anyone supposed to play that? The other players fought desperately for ages, then the opposing Seeker activated a cheat and the game was over—comeback achieved. Unequal importance between positions on the field was normal enough, but wasn't this gap just absurdly cruel?

More importantly, weren't ten and one hundred and fifty both multiples of ten? Even if Quidditch had been played for a hundred years, there would never be a score in the ones digit, right? So why add an extra zero? Why not just use one point and fifteen points? His obsessive-compulsive tendencies could not handle this.

Still, it was perfectly normal. The Seeker position had practically been tailor-made for The Boy Who Lived:

You did not need to engage in close combat with other players, so you did not need a strong body; even someone frail could do the job. One person was the soul of the team, the father of the team, and the entire team revolved around you. If your broom or a Bludger gave you trouble, the two Beaters would ignore everyone else and become your bodyguards. On top of that, it practically screamed individual heroism—a single god carrying six deadweights with ease. Even if all your teammates were useless, activating a cheat once could easily win the match for the team...

As for Hogwarts's most ridiculous class, it was undoubtedly Professor Gilderoy Lockhart's Defence Against the Dark Arts.

Strictly speaking, Defence Against the Dark Arts was a main subject held three times a week... But Professor Lockhart had turned all three lessons into a joke.

He had probably suffered at the hands of Cornish Pixies during his first lesson with the second-years... By the time the first-years had their first Defence Against the Dark Arts class on Wednesday morning, there was no practical content left at all.

To the stunned gazes of the first-year students, Lockhart merely took out a stack of test papers:

1. What was Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

2. What was Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

3. What do you think was Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

4. What type of woman did Gilderoy Lockhart like best?

And so on, covering three full pages...

The final question was:

54. What day was Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday? What was his ideal birthday gift?

As he filled out the test, Jon deeply sympathized with the upper-year students at Hogwarts who would have to take the OWLs exam and NEWTs. The failure rate in their Defence Against the Dark Arts exams would probably be terrifyingly high.

Half an hour later, Lockhart collected all the papers and began grading them one by one in front of everyone.

"Beautifully written, Mr. Hart! You actually remembered that my favorite color is lilac." Lockhart said excitedly. "This paper gets a hundred points... Five points to Hufflepuff!"

"That works?" Zacharias beside Jon looked at him as though his entire worldview had collapsed.

"Are you also a loyal fan of Professor Lockhart?" asked a Hufflepuff girl whose name Jon did not yet know, her face full of infatuation.

"Uh... I suppose so..." Jon shrugged.

Skimming through Lockhart's "works" and remembering those narcissistic personal details he had written about himself did not actually take much time.

And Lockhart was not entirely useless either. Jon had already formed a plan in his heart.

As he pondered, Jon did his best to look more eager for knowledge as he listened to Lockhart's tedious boasting.