Feed Him Shit

The next morning, Old Gouzi and I each had a bowl of tofu pudding and downed two fried dough sticks. Then we took a bus, transferred to a minibus, then from the minibus to a motorcycle, and finally from the motorcycle to a brick-making machine. It went putt-putt-putt all the way. After more than two hours of grueling travel, my ass had been jolted so hard it felt like it had grown several sizes before we finally made it to Old Gouzi's village.

After arriving in the village, I first met with Old Gouzi's parents and the village chief.

Afterward, I had Gouzi help prepare some things for me: dog shit, rooster-comb blood, high-proof baijiu, cinnabar, and the like.

Who knew how this kid had been scraping by all these years? He did not manage to gather everything until it was nearly time for dinner.

After casually drawing a few talismans and making some preparations, at nine that night, I took Gouzi and stationed ourselves outside Teacher Wu's house.

That afternoon, I had asked the village chief about Teacher Wu. His real name was Wu Sheng, and he had just turned fifty this year. In his early years, he had taught at the town middle school, but for some reason he later quit. After returning to the village, he had never married and had no family around him. Now that he had run into something like this, he really was rather pitiful.

Time flew by, and before we knew it, it was past eleven at night—the hour of the Rat.

Just as I had expected, Wu Sheng came hopping out of his house stark naked.

By the moonlight, the two of us looked over at him. Wu Sheng's hair hung loose and disheveled, and his whole body gave off an eerie, sinister feeling.

I could even see strands of green light continuously spreading outward from all over his body. It was clearly the sign of an external evil having entered his body.

Of course, Old Gouzi could not see any of that.

Still, the sight before him alone was enough to send chills down his spine. He had already been frightened into not knowing what to do.

If I had not been standing there, this kid probably would have fucking run off long ago.

When Wu Sheng saw us, he stood where he was. The dull expression on his face gradually turned strange, and a bizarre "heh heh heh" laugh came from his mouth.

The sound made one's scalp tingle and left the whole body feeling uncomfortable.

Fuck! Was this bastard trying to show off in front of me?

Laughing? Laugh at your fucking grandmother, you grandson!

Seeing Wu Sheng acting like such an idiot, my expression hardened, and I shouted, "Insolence! You brazen demon! You see this humble monk and still do not quickly retreat!"

"Heh heh heh, whose little dog pup is this? You actually dare meddle in this lord's affairs!"

After hearing what I said, Wu Sheng mocked me while letting out that strange laugh.

Motherfucker, this thing really did not take me seriously at all!

I forcibly suppressed the anger in my heart and continued.

"No matter what you are, let me tell you this: the human world is not a place where you can run wild. If you leave now, there is still time! Otherwise, do not blame this humble monk for not giving you a chance!"

I did not know how other people handled such matters, and I had never seen it myself, but when I handled things, out of compassion,

I generally gave them a few words of warning first. If the other party knew what was good for them and left, that was that. If not, heh heh!

"If I refuse to leave, what can you do to me? You little brat whose feathers have not even grown in yet, come on, let me see how you will deny me a chance!"

Fuck, this bastard's mouth really was hard.

Hearing that, I stopped wasting words with him.

"Old Gouzi!"

After calling out to Old Gouzi, I charged straight at him.

"Heaven and Earth are boundless, the cosmos lends me its power, divine soldiers, swift as the law commands! By edict!"

As I chanted, both hands pulled talismans from my pockets and rapidly flung them at Wu Sheng.

"Bang! Bang! Bang!"

This evil thing was not weak. It was extremely nimble, dodging away every time just as the talismans were about to touch its body.

But it did not matter. This was all within my calculations.

At that moment, Old Gouzi pulled out two handfuls of dog shit and hurled them at Wu Sheng. The dog shit scattered through the air like heavenly maidens scattering flowers.

It struck Wu Sheng with a string of crackling pops.

"Aah! Aah! Aah!"

Sparks flew everywhere, and Wu Sheng was blasted until black smoke poured off him.

At the sight, Old Gouzi's eyes lit up, and joy flooded his heart.

He truly had not expected the dog shit I had processed to have such miraculous effects. When it hit Wu Sheng, it was like the little poppers we played with as children, blasting Wu Sheng until he bared his teeth and shrieked wildly.

Seeing how effective it was, Old Gouzi did not stop moving his hands. He kept hurling dog shit at Wu Sheng without pause.

Heh heh, what a fucking international joke. This dog shit was my exclusive formula, made by mixing dog shit with rooster-comb blood, high-proof baijiu, and cinnabar.

Rooster-comb blood, cinnabar, and high-proof baijiu were all objects of utmost yang. They naturally countered yin evil, while dog shit was called Xu Fu Mi in Chinese medicine and could treat indigestion and irregular menstruation. Of course, I had not added it to nurse some yin creature back to health—I had added it purely because dog shit stank like hell.

Think about it: three objects of utmost yang combined with the reeking fumes of shit. Tsk tsk tsk, even if the Ghost King himself came, he would have to be afraid.

Wu Sheng was beaten back step by step by Old Gouzi. Old Gouzi was no longer as frightened as before; instead, he looked rather excited.

"Hahaha, hey! Demon, do not flee! Behold your Lord Gouzi's Dog Shit Incantation!"

"Crack crack crack, smack smack smack..."

Well then. Anyone who knew would know I had brought Old Gouzi out to fight ghosts. Anyone who did not would fucking think Old Gouzi was the closed-door disciple of some great master who had descended from a mountain. And honestly, if Old Gouzi were wearing a Daoist robe right now, his chubby little build really would look quite intimidating.

Seeing Old Gouzi fight with such excitement, I was not in too much of a hurry to act. Mainly, I wanted to give him a chance to temper himself. After all, the more a person did something, the more they improved. Especially courage—it only grew bigger the more you used it.

More than ten minutes later, Wu Sheng knelt on the ground, trembling all over.

"G-grandpa, grandpa, grandpa, grandpa... I-I-I know I was wrong. I-I'll leave right now. D-d-don't hit me anymore."

"Smack!"

Without another word, I slapped Wu Sheng hard across the face.

"What is it? You recognize me now? I gave you a chance, but you were no good for it, huh? Huh? I gave you a chance, but you were no good for it, huh? Still trying to show off?"

Ordinarily, an evil creature that could not win could still run away, as long as it withdrew from the human body.

But I had anticipated that long ago. Among the Twelve Zodiac Animals, the dog belonged to yin, so dog shit was also a yin thing. Yin things had an adhesive effect on other yin things, the exact opposite of the usual principle that opposites attract. Ghosts and such were alike attracts alike, while opposites repelled each other. Now, it was clearly impossible for it to detach itself from Wu Sheng's body, which reeked from head to toe of dog shit.

When I questioned it, the thing possessing Wu Sheng lowered its head fearfully and did not dare answer.

"Smack!"

"Fuck your mother! You brazen demon! Did you not hear my big brother asking you a question? Are you looking to die?"

Seeing the evil thing remain silent, Old Gouzi copied my manner and gave it a hard slap, asking viciously.

Maybe this guy had been scared shitless by Old Gouzi's beating. When Old Gouzi questioned it, it became very obedient.

"N-no more showing off. I-I-I was wrong. I-I will never dare again."

Holy fuck, it would have been better if it had not answered. Seeing Old Gouzi's words work better than mine made my anger surge straight up. I thought, was this bastard really so shallow that he could not even tell the big joker from the little joker?

"Smack smack smack!"

"Fuck your mother! Wrong my ass!"

"Old Gouzi, feed him shit."