The Absurd Club

"There wasn't even lemon ice cream..."

Andrew had not fully recovered after lunch, but he cleaned himself up a little and headed for the empty classroom where they had agreed to meet.

From what he had seen so far, the club that claimed its members were eager to join the Ministry of Magic was a disappointment. Still, he wanted to see whether he could get anything out of it for free.

By the time he arrived, the empty classroom was already half full.

"Andrew! Over here!"

Connie, who had nominated him for full membership, called from near the door at the back. Andrew took an empty seat behind him.

Only then did he notice that the chairs had been arranged by magic into several groups around an open space in the middle. A few upper-year Ravenclaws sat at the front of each group.

You've got to be kidding.

An absurd idea occurred to Andrew. Unfortunately, five or six minutes later, he found out he was right.

Such a tiny temple, yet so many troublesome spirits. Such a shallow pond, yet so many big fish.

That saying might have included him in the insult, but Andrew could not think of a better description.

One lousy club had split into several factions. Could you believe it?

And each faction had a rationale: they all wanted to join the Ministry of Magic, but they had to choose a department, didn't they?

Those planning to arrest their classmates someday naturally favored the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They saw Ravenclaws who "strayed from the straight and narrow" as ideal future opponents. They were the most aggressive faction, especially the older students. They scrutinized not just other Ravenclaws, but even members of their own club...

Then there were those who made no attempt to hide their ambitions. They thought the Minister for Magic's Office and Logistics was a fine place to work. The upper-years among them had all secured summer internships there. Whether they would get jobs there later was another matter, but for now they were probably the haughtiest people in the club. They called to the younger students behind them as though summoning subordinates.

Others favored the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. They believed practical ability mattered: the Ministry always needed people who could get things done, and they saw themselves as future keepers of peace in the wizarding world. They were also the friendliest group.

Those who favored the Department of Magical Sports had barely shown up. Unless it was an important meeting, they were busy practicing Quidditch or playing in house Quidditch matches. Some belonged to a second club, helping with smaller competitions such as Gobstones or Exploding Snap. They had a ready excuse: their field was specialized, and regular practice mattered.

Those were the main factions. There was no need to count the smaller groups favoring other departments.

As for Connie, who had recommended Andrew, he belonged without question to the faction best at looking down on people: the Minister for Magic's Office and Logistics.

Among those who favored the department responsible for Magical Creatures, a few genuinely loved them. But Connie's lot, who had brought Andrew in, were basically...

"You're clever enough, Taylor. They all agreed with what you said. We really should discriminate against them all equally."

Connie smiled. "One day you'll realize how wise your choice was. Minister Fudge is young and capable. By the time you graduate, I expect he'll still be Minister, just like his predecessor."

Andrew knew about that. Millicent Bagnold had remained Minister of Magic until she no longer felt like doing the job.

"Of course... I absolutely support the Minister of Magic."

Andrew said it without hesitation. He left out the part about supporting whoever happened to be Minister of Magic, but it amounted to the same thing, didn't it?

"It's just that paperwork has given me a headache ever since I was little... I already fell asleep once in Magical History..." Andrew spoke quickly, keeping his voice low. "I'm fairly good at Charms, though, so I thought I'd try my luck with the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes."

"The Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes?"

Connie glanced at Andrew. That department did not conflict with his own plans. Oh well. The fellow could not recognize the most promising position when he saw it. He had some brains, just not enough...

"All right, go ahead. Wherever you work, you'll be serving the Ministry of Magic, won't you?"

He said it with a smile, but the warmth in his expression had vanished completely.

So there are normal people here...

Andrew happily left Connie's group. After greeting the upper-year at the front of the other group, he sat down, even happier.

It was not often he got two pieces of good news at once. Learning that Ravenclaw was not beyond hope and getting away from someone so strange was wonderful.

The rest was straightforward. The club reported how many members had secured Ministry of Magic jobs or internships over the previous summer, praised the Ministry, and discussed their hopes for the future.

Then each group recommended courses for the new students to focus on and books to read outside class, according to its preferred department. Those would give them an edge when applying for internships or joining the Ministry later.

In short, the upper-years were teaching the newcomers how to pass the written tests and interviews...

Andrew noticed that most of the spells recommended by the group across the room were for office work: sorting parchment, making messenger paper airplanes, brewing coffee at just the right temperature...

All that grand talk, and the first thing they teach you is how to be an office worker...

Andrew's group had a different approach. For him, though, there was an exception.

"Start by looking into the principles of Legilimency. We don't usually recommend that first-years join us, but since you're here, you can try this as your final assessment. Learn it before the end of fifth year, and you'll be exempt from almost every other assessment and can be recommended for an internship. Hardly anyone has managed it, though."

"What you need right now is a solid foundation in your first year. As for the crucial subject, Defense Against the Dark Arts, my advice is to study it seriously on your own. Neither your classmates nor the upper-years will help you much, because it's their specialty."

That was the advice Ham, the boy leading the group, gave Andrew.

"As a proper Ravenclaw, you know why. But I can promise you this: if your end-of-term transcript for the first half of the year is good enough, I'll give you a reading list I recommend."

Yes, Andrew knew why. In theory, they were competitors. Defense Against the Dark Arts was a required subject in the assessments, and Hogwarts was not particularly strong in it. Few people were willing to share what they knew, whatever house they belonged to. Ravenclaw might be the worst in that respect.

"Got it. I'll work hard on the basics."

Andrew agreed readily, though he had no intention of doing it.

He would have to be mad to approach Professor Quirrell. Studying on his own was as far as he would go, and even that would have to wait until after Transfiguration. That was the subject where he had a good professor to guide him.

To him, the club was just something to see him through his early years. Magic itself mattered far more than the Ministry of Magic.

"All right, everyone. That concludes our first meeting of the new school year. May we meet again at the Ministry of Magic."

"At the Ministry of Magic."