Your Kidneys Don't Work

In the second-year hallway of the Ninja Academy, Duke stood helplessly outside the classroom with Hades perched on his head. No matter how hurriedly he rushed over, he was still late. As a ninja, punctuality was fundamental. A ninja without any sense of time was unqualified, and Aida-sensei did not care about Duke's excuse. He had to stand outside as punishment.

"Duke, that excuse of yours is way too lame!" Konoha's king of tardiness, Uchiha Obito, said happily. Having someone stand outside with him today was a good omen. Maybe confessing to Rin on such a lucky day would give him a boost. This guy could be late eight times in a week, while the Ninja Academy only held classes six days a week. In other words, sometimes he could be late twice in a single day. What terrifying mastery of being late.

"I saw a black cat stop in the middle of the road, so I lost my way on the road of life..." Obito said with a deadpan expression. "Aida-sensei's face went completely dark!"

"Don't you think it's poetic? Besides, it's better than your excuse about helping an old lady cross the street!" Duke was also depressed. He had finally gotten the chance to use a famous line from the world of lateness, only for the listener to be the rigid Aida-sensei. A fine tale had been ruined by someone who could not appreciate it. What a pity.

"I really was helping an old lady cross the street! I've always treated helping elderly people in need as my motto in life, and I put it into practice every day!" Obito widened his eyes, pointed at his face, and leaned close to Duke. "See this? This innocent, pure, loving face."

"Not at all. All I see is stupidity! Also, don't get so close. I'm afraid it might be contagious!" Duke mercilessly slapped Obito and pushed him away. "How long could helping an old lady cross the street possibly take? You were an hour late. Forget Aida-sensei—even I wouldn't believe that!"

"The old lady I met today was unexpectedly stubborn! I finally helped her across the street, but the moment I turned around, she shuffled back. I had no choice but to help her cross again, but she shuffled back again, so I helped her again... That wasted a lot of my time. Of course, I was the final victor. The old lady was moved by my persistent sincerity and sat on the ground crying!" Obito gave himself a thumbs-up and said proudly, "She even asked my name. I thought something so small wasn't worth mentioning, so I didn't tell her. At the time, lots of villagers stopped me by the roadside and wanted to treat me to a meal. But I'm a ninja—how could they possibly stop me? I left before they could even speak. Doing good without leaving my name behind—I'm so cool!"

"Did it ever occur to you that the old lady simply didn't want to cross the street?" Duke fell silent for a long time before finally saying, "The villagers probably weren't trying to treat you to a meal. I think they wanted to beat you up. Too bad you ran too fast."

"Huh!? What!?" Obito froze blankly, feeling utterly miserable.

"Luckily, you didn't leave your name. Otherwise, standing outside as punishment would be the least of your problems today!" Duke patted Obito on the shoulder. The kid had suffered a major blow in life and had already turned to stone.

"Oh God, how could this happen..." Obito dropped to his knees, lowered his head, and said in grief and indignation, "I only wanted to help her!"

"I'm probably the only one who'd believe that. Anyone else would definitely beat you to death." Duke had already given up hope on someone's intelligence, but as a friend, he still reminded him, "Don't take that route to school for the next few days. The old lady's sons might block your way... Though that's also something I'm looking forward to!"

"What was I even doing this morning!? Was that a prank?" Tears streamed down Obito's face as he looked at Duke pleadingly. "There should still be a way to fix this, right?"

"No, your brain is beyond saving!" Duke said sharply. "As a single-celled organism, you don't even have a brain."

"You bastard, I'm talking about the old lady, not my brain!"

"So you're not denying that you're a paramecium?"

"Ahhh—" Obito felt that today was not his lucky day, but a day of suffering. Faced with such vicious verbal attacks, he could barely defend himself. If Aida-sensei came out now, perhaps he could still be saved. Any later, and it would be too late.

"Woof!" Hades barked from atop Duke's head, curiously studying the single-celled organism on the ground.

"You have a dog? Is it a Ninja Dog?" Obito tried to change the subject and forced a smile. "I've never seen it before. Did you only start raising it recently?"

"Yeah!" Duke looked down at the single-nucleus organism on the ground as if God were gazing upon an amoeba living in mud, then said pityingly, "The more people I get to know, the more I like dogs, so I got one!"

"Pfft—" He spat out a mouthful of blood. Konoha youth Uchiha Obito died at the age of six.

Bang! The classroom door was pushed open. Aida-sensei led the students out, and they all looked at the limp Obito on the ground in confusion. Was the floor that cool?

"Aida-sensei..." Obito stretched out a trembling hand toward Aida-sensei. At that moment, Aida-sensei was kind, merciful, the incarnation of God. Dear family, you finally came out. Hurry and take me away from the devil. My heart is about to stop beating.

"Obito, you're clowning around outside again! You troublesome brat, when will you stop making me worry? Stay behind after class today and clean the whole classroom."

God used his fist of love to send Obito into hell, then said to the devil, "Since this is your first time being late, I won't make you clean. Don't be late again next time. Pull Obito up. We're going to the first training ground. Today, we have a practical combat class."

"Yes, Aida-sensei. I'll pull Obito to the training ground right away." Duke bowed politely. After Aida-sensei led the others ahead, Duke grabbed Obito by the leg and dragged him along step by step at the back of the group. Nothing wrong with that—he had indeed pulled him to the training ground.

Wuwuwu... I've already despaired of this world. One day, I'll definitely destroy this world. Six-year-old Obito swore that one day, he would wipe out this stupid world.

At the training ground, the physically and mentally battered Obito stood at the back of the line. Beside him were three bad friends: Duke, Asuma, and Might Guy. Seeing Obito's sickly expression, Asuma could not help "asking with concern," "Obito, did you eat expired instant noodles again?"

Obito ignored him, sunk in low spirits. Asuma became even more delighted, hopping around like a monkey and constantly expressing his "concern." Having just suffered mental torture and begun doubting whether his intelligence met the standard, Obito felt that after Duke's devastation, there was nothing left in life for him to fear. Asuma, don't embarrass yourself with these childish tricks.

"Speaking of which, as the Hokage's son, I've never eaten instant noodles! I usually eat tuna sushi made by Aunt Dadaiko. What, you don't know Aunt Dadaiko? Maybe I've never mentioned her before. She's one of the ten maids in my house and is usually responsible for my meals. There's also Aunt Makiko, who makes my bed and folds my blankets; Aunt Miyoko, who takes me to and from school; Aunt Yukiko, who handles clothing and etiquette..."

"You've never eaten instant noodles. I'm so sorry for you." The overwhelming aura of wealth made Obito's eye twitch. Duke had denied his intelligence, while Asuma had denied his entire life.

"Obito, you don't seem very energetic today!" Guy flashed his gleaming White Fang, trying to lift Obito's spirits. "If it's because you have to clean the classroom, then I'll do it with you. As proof of our friendship, after school, let's walk ten laps around Konoha on our hands!"

"I can't do something like that!" Obito tactfully refused, though he was still somewhat moved. True friendship showed itself in adversity. Guy, I really didn't misjudge you. Although you usually have no sense of restraint when you hit people, you're still the most dependable one when it matters!

"You can't say that, Obito!" Flames blazed in Guy's eyes. "A man can't say he can't!"

"..." You bastard, give my gratitude back! After having his intelligence and life questioned, Obito's kidneys had now been questioned too.

"Quiet! Today, you'll battle in pairs! Your results will be recorded in the year-end assessment. The first-place student will become the grade's top student, and along with the other highly ranked students, will receive priority in choosing from the available Jonin team leaders upon graduation." Under Aida-sensei's combination of temptation and threats, the students let out waves of wails.

It was no wonder the students complained. Compared to the Three Body Techniques assessment and written tests, actual combat was far less popular with most people. Everyone was a beginner, and they could easily get hurt. There were teachers present, so no one would die, but it would still hurt a lot.

Aida-sensei ignored the students' objections and directly announced the first match. He emphasized that from this moment onward, anyone caught organizing their Blade Tool pouch would be considered to have forfeited. Aida-sensei also explained why: to a ninja, a Blade Tool pouch was life itself. Anyone irresponsible toward their own life was unworthy of being called a ninja.

Duke touched his lower back. He had left home in too much of a hurry and had not brought his Blade Tool pouch... This was good news, because he did not need to secretly organize it and would not be considered to have forfeited.

If failing to organize a Blade Tool pouch means being irresponsible toward life, then what am I? I don't even want my life? Very good, very powerful. If I don't even want my life, what else do I have to fear!

"First match: Might Guy versus Mizuki!"

At the command, the young Mizuki walked onto the practice field amid the support of the girls. Facing him was Guy, the highly spirited taijutsu prodigy.

"Let's get this straight first—don't hit my face." Young Mizuki had not yet grown into the sinister man who would later trick Naruto into stealing the Forbidden Scroll of Seals. As the most popular boy in the class after Kakashi graduated, he was still sunny and confident, especially when it came to his handsome face.

"Youth does not fear injury." A classic Guy-style response.

"Youth... aren't we a little young for that?" Mizuki shrugged. He also hoped youth would arrive soon, so he could rightfully have a harem. His equipment had not matured yet, which was rather awkward.

Konoha Hurricane!

"Ahhh—"

Mizuki, who was still lost in wild thoughts, never expected Guy to launch a sneak attack. A spinning high kick struck his proud face, sending him flying out of the field.

The first match ended quickly. Mizuki had been showing off and was knocked out before he could even make a move. From below the field, Duke only heard three sounds: ah, crack, bang... Hopefully, after Mizuki got his face fixed, it would not become stiff or leave him with uneven eyes. After all, the youth he was looking forward to would arrive in a few years.

"First match, Guy wins."

Aida-sensei announced the result and directly ignored the girls' cries of protest over the sneak attack. A sneak attack? Could a ninja's actions be called a sneak attack?