Chapter 300

But friendship is not love. This emotion is incredibly complex, so complex that it took Hua Xin so long to understand the special feelings and dependence that both Hua Xin and Gu Xin Hua had for Xia Yan. Throughout their long relationship, aside from his confession of "I like you" on New Year's Eve, Xia Yan Xia Yan n't uttered any more cheesy words. Now, this was the first time Xia Yan had said "I love you" to her. "Didn't you hear me?" Xia Yan feigned confusion, looking at the girl with an innocent tone, as if he genuinely believed she hadn't heard him. He continued softly, "Then... should I say it again?" Before Hua Xin could answer, he repeated, word by word, "I love you." "..." Hua Xin didn't know what to say, or how to respond to the weight of Xia Yan's words. No matter how you looked at it, wouldn't saying such sentimental words at this moment seem perverted? Who confesses like that? It really was... in line with Xia Yan's style. Yes, he wasn't just anyone, he was Xia Yan. Hua Xin felt a sudden sense of calm, though her heart was still racing. She hadn't forgotten the purpose of meeting Xia Yan today, suppressing the fluttering emotions and bitterness in her heart. "I have something to say to you." She pulled her hand, which had been slightly warming up in Xia Yan's pocket, and placed it on her lap, half-fisted, looking directly at him with unwavering determination. Xia Yan became even more serious upon seeing this, but the gentleness and smile that hadn't disappeared from his eyes since meeting Hua Xin grew even stronger, like... the ease with which a cat catches a mouse. "I'm listening," he said softly. Hua Xin was silent for a moment, then inevitably looked away, lowering her head slightly, choosing not to meet Xia Yan's eyes or look at his face. She only looked at the bracelet on her wrist that she hadn't taken off. In the throes of first love, both boys and girls often resort to a self-destructive method to create a false image of infatuation, placing themselves on a moral high ground in the relationship and gaining a distorted sense of satisfaction and security. In reality, whether it's standing outside the other person's apartment for a while or braving the rain to bring them a cup of milk tea, in retrospect, it often feels as heroic and passionate as Qiao Feng's battle at Juxian Manor or his solo journey, but for the other person, a cup of milk tea is just a cup of milk tea, unable to bear the earth-shattering emotions you want to project onto it. Young people in their first love, untouched by setbacks, are always eager to express their overflowing love, often unknowingly falling into a performance. This leads to discrepancies in their memories; those unforgettable moments you feel are often not felt the same way by the other person, or they may even be confused about them. And the final outcome is often mutual misunderstanding of each other's true feelings, leading to doubt. Breakup is the most common ending for first love. Both Hua Xin and Xia Yan, due to their childhood experiences, had unwittingly missed out on the chance to meet someone they felt a stirring of attraction during their school years. They also both harbored unconscious shadows about love and marriage because of witnessing broken marriages. It's highly likely that even if they encountered such an opportunity, they wouldn't have the courage to seize it. Deep down, a profound sense of disappointment and inferiority had never left them. In their early adolescence, amidst the hormonal surges of middle and high school, all that remained was silence and anxieties. Now, in university, a stage where they were already halfway into society, the naiveté and impulsiveness of adolescence had long since passed, making Xia Yan approach this increasingly cherished relationship with great caution. From the initial "interesting" to the current deep appreciation, Xia Yan has been extremely careful, tolerant, and respectful of Hua Xin's thoughts, gently waiting for her response. Even if Hua Xin is afraid of something, he will continue to wait. Forced coercion can never compare to genuine affection. How should one cherish every connection, every correct choice, and every person they want to hold onto in life? You are not him, she is not you. It's rare to find someone with whom you share a soulmate, and even rarer to weather so many setbacks and arguments to grow old together. For Hua Xin, there's no one left to hold onto, no A, B, C, or D options to choose from, and no reason to wait for the next chance to simply drift along. She's always been timid. Because what she's finally obtained is so precious, so alluring and beautiful. Hua Xin doesn't want to lose it all, even if it's built on lies and deception. But the experiences she's had with Xia Yan since their first meeting have gradually made her realize something, and helped her understand her true feelings. That is... she doesn't want Xia Yan to leave her. Hua Xin her own uniqueness, and she understands just how incredible this almost supernatural miracle truly is. A man, after all, should be able to bravely do what he wants, shoulder his responsibilities, make promises he can keep, and calmly express his emotions. These were all things Xia Yan taught "Hua Xin." But when she was Gu Xin Hua, she could forget that she was a boy. She loved Xia Yan 'Xia Yan warmth, the sense of security he gave her, Xia Yan gentleness in waiting for and accepting her no matter what, his cooking, the hugs Xia Yan gave Xia Yan every time they parted, his quiet waiting for her to get off work, Xia Yan restrained affection in carefully attending to Xia Yan feelings, his concern for her every time he went out, his remembering her love for claw machines and foolishly stuffing his pockets full of jingling coins. She loved Xia Yan, loved Xia Yan, loved everything about Xia Yan ... Xia Yan Hua Xin wanted to deny these feelings. Yes, she and Xia Yan were friends, brothers. Every little thing they did together was a lie, a lie created to cover up another lie, even Gu Xin Hua's identity was fake. But... she was no longer a boy. And her feelings for Xia Yan were not fake. She had lived a very, very long, long life of solitude. So long that it seemed she would spend her entire life in this bleak darkness, so long that even the destruction of the earth wouldn't erase it, so long that no amount of sun's heat could dispel it. He was just like his name. Yan, a character composed of many suns, many blazing flames. How should she put it? Hua Xin didn't know what words to use to express her inner turmoil and confusion. But she hadn't forgotten anything she had experienced with Xia Yan. That blazing light that shattered the darkness shrouding her heart was the only salvation that allowed Hua Xin to face the present, face Hua Shanming, face Chen Yu, and face a future where hope could be rekindled. Now, what reason did she have to run away from her own heart? Because her previous life had been nothing, because her future life held only one possibility. "I..."