Smack.
Before Shinji could finish speaking, someone patted him on the shoulder.
"I think I heard someone say they wanted Mapo Tofu?"
A middle-aged priest in black grabbed Shinji by the shoulder and asked, eyes shining.
"Nobody said that!"
Shinji, drenched in a cold sweat, hurriedly denied it.
Chapter 10: Kirei Kotomine: Mapo Tofu Is the Best!
Hearing Shinji's refusal, Kirei Kotomine didn't let it go. He leaned in until his face was very close to Shinji's and curled his lips into a smile.
"Are you sure? I distinctly heard someone say Mapo Tofu."
"Absolutely nobody said that!"
"Didn't you say you were going to eat?"
"In your eyes, are eating and Mapo Tofu the same thing?!"
"They are to me."
"Then go drown yourself in Mapo Tofu sauce!"
Because of the lighting, half of Kirei Kotomine's face was in shadow, making him look especially creepy to Shinji.
"Wasn't this something you taught me, Director?"
With a faint smile on his face, Kirei Kotomine produced a plate of Mapo Tofu from who knew where and held it out.
Even more bizarrely, judging by the billowing steam and the tofu bubbling away, Master Shinji was certain this plate had just come off the stove.
"Come on, Director. It's time to eat."
"Thanks, I'm not hungry."
As Shinji desperately tried to push it away, he looked at the others, hoping Shirou and the rest would stop watching and come rescue him.
Instead, Shinji saw only an empty table and the Artificial gem they'd been working on, abandoned halfway through.
"Damn it! They all ran off!"
Only then did Shinji spot Shirou, Rin, and Illya hiding in the doorway, waving goodbye to him.
"You traitors!"
As soon as Shinji opened his mouth, Kirei Kotomine took the opportunity to shove a spoonful of Mapo Tofu into Second Master's mouth.
"It's—so—spicy!!"
Second Master's cries as he clutched his throat filled the prop room.
Ten minutes later.
After downing his fifth glass of ice water, Shinji let out a long sigh.
"Whew. I thought I was about to die."
Shinji fanned his mouth with his hand as he spoke.
"I'm sorry, Master."
Artoria held her glass of water and guiltily turned her eyes away. "I can handle most other foods, but Sir Gawain's mashed potatoes and this Mapo Tofu are just..."
"Brother, don't you like Chinese food?"
As Sakura gently patted Shinji's back, she teased him softly.
Second Master slapped the table and retorted, "I refuse to admit that's authentic Chinese food! Traditional Chinese cuisine is all about color, aroma, and flavor. That stuff has nothing but spice!"
Knowing he'd ended up in the Nasuverse rather than a cooking universe, Master Shinji had never expected to try six-in-one Mapo Tofu. But the Mapo Tofu Kirei Kotomine had fed him barely even counted as food.
Honestly, Master Shinji had always suspected Kirei Kotomine's sense of taste was completely broken. How else could he enjoy food that harsh?
"It felt like I'd taken a bite of lava."
Shinji continued fanning his tongue as he complained.
Sakura let out a cold chuckle. "You brought this on yourself. If you hadn't tried to be clever, how could Uncle Kotomine have done something like this?"
"..."
Shinji thought his sister made a very good point, and for a moment he didn't know how to argue.
Without taking part in the Holy Grail War or being corrupted by Mr. Golden Flash, Kirei Kotomine was nothing but a taciturn man.
When he first joined the cast, he wasn't exactly expressive, but he was at least a textbook kuudere.
Kirei had joined the cast only because his father, Risei Kotomine, had asked him to. His eyes were full of confusion. He shouldn't have been playing FSN's final boss; he should've been cast in the double act at the start of FZ.
"So, Director Matou, what exactly is this so-called 'pleasure'?"
After a certain cut, Kirei Kotomine asked Shinji this question, looking somewhat troubled.
"Pleasure is something that makes you happy, I guess."
"Happy?"
Shinji's answer only left Kirei Kotomine more confused.
"Father Mapi, is there anything you like?"
"...I like eating Mapo Tofu. Do you want me to imagine eating Mapo Tofu while I act?"
"Um... that doesn't really sound like the 'pleasure' described in the script... How about this: would you feel happy if other people started liking Mapo Tofu because you recommended it to them?"
"...I don't know."
"Then why don't we try it?"
The result was that trying it nearly killed them.
Kirei Kotomine's Mapo Tofu was so spicy that even Artoria, the Big Eater, couldn't stomach it.
Still, the experiment hadn't been a complete failure.
Watching the members of the cast get knocked flat by the tofu, Kirei Kotomine felt an indescribable joy and satisfaction well up inside him.
And so, the pleasure-seeking Mapo priest was born.
From that day on, there was a priest in the cast who loved forcing people to eat Mapo Tofu.
Celebrate... my ass! This was even more terrifying than the Demon King!
"Ah."
Coming out of his reverie, Master Shinji tapped his palm with his fist.
"So this was all my fault."
Smack.
Rin smacked Shinji on the head.
She glared at him and complained, "Don't pretend you don't know what you did! Now everyone gets scared when they see Kirei, afraid he'll pull out Mapo Tofu and shove it into their mouths!"
"Be grateful. At least it's Mapo Tofu he's shoving into people, not the Holy Grail's Black Mud." Shinji curled his lip.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Tch. We should've just stuck with the original script." Rin crossed her arms, looking a little impatient.
In the earliest version of the script Shinji wrote, there was no character called "Kirei Kotomine," and Kirei himself hadn't been invited to join the cast.
The reason was simple. If Shinji put the original Kirei Kotomine into the script, he might as well tell Grandpa Risei to his face that his son was a murderer, a pervert, and a tax evader all rolled into one.
If the old man had a heart attack or a spike in intracranial pressure, Rin and Shirou would probably drag Shinji into the woods and shoot him a hundred times.
As mentioned earlier, the younger generation—Shinji and the others—had all grown up together. Back then, the person who looked after them was the previous priest of Fuyuki City's church, Risei Kotomine.
Shinji would have to be out of his mind to do something so cruel to the old couple who had truly treated him like their own grandchild.
So, in the earliest version of the script, Shinji had rewritten the original "Kirei Kotomine" as an overseer affiliated with the Mage's Association and completely unrelated to the church.
Aside from keeping the role of the main antagonist, the first draft of Shinji's script had not the slightest trace of Kirei Kotomine. Even the character's abilities and name came from a Clock Tower Mage who didn't get along with Second Master at all.
Because of that, Shinji had to revise the story of FSN several times to keep the plot coherent and consistent.
"We should've gone with the original script from the start. Why did we end up switching to that fake priest after all?"
Watching Kirei Kotomine trying to recommend Mapo Tofu to Illya in the distance, Rin clicked her tongue in annoyance.
Though they'd grown up in very different circumstances, it seemed that disliking the Mapo priest was simply part of young lady Rin's nature.
"You'll have to ask Grandpa Risei why he agreed," Shinji said with a shrug. "Or you could ask your dad."
Kirei Kotomine's joining the cast had been entirely those two men's idea.
A few days before filming began, Shinji had gone to the Tohsaka family to confirm the shooting arrangements with Tokiomi. That was when he "happened" to run into Grandpa Risei.
Tokiomi Tohsaka "happened" to mention Risei Kotomine's plan to use film and television to expand the Mage's influence.
Then the old man "happened" to point out that his son, Kirei Kotomine, would have a lot of free time once he took over as priest of Fuyuki City's church. He hoped Shinji would give him a role, for the sake of the friendship between their families.
Shinji wasn't even forty years old when you added up his two lifetimes, so he was nowhere near as wily as an old fox. But the little fox had clearly seen the two old foxes, Tokiomi Tohsaka and Risei Kotomine, putting on a show.
Put simply, Grandpa Risei had judged from what he knew of Shinji that the project had a decent chance of succeeding. He also believed that, if it did, it would benefit the Mages considerably.
Thinking the church could get in on those benefits too, Risei Kotomine had wanted to join Shinji's project, so he'd asked Tokiomi Tohsaka to arrange the meeting.
But the old man really was willing to go all out. After Shinji said that the main cast had already been decided, he actually volunteered Kirei Kotomine to play the Mage's Association's overseer.
"Shinji, don't worry about how your Grandpa Risei feels. Just write Kirei into the script according to its demands."
Remembering how Risei Kotomine had thumped his chest and said it with such openhearted magnanimity, Shinji felt a pang in his stomach.
What had he spent three days and nights revising the script for, then?
"Forget it. Let's leave it at that." Shinji dusted off his rear and stood up. "Hurry up and finish charging the remaining Artificial gems. We'll need them for this afternoon's shoot."
Though the Mapo priest's tofu salesmanship made Shinji uneasy, he had no plans to replace the actor. Ever since Kirei Kotomine had gotten hooked on recommending tofu, it seemed he'd unlocked some incredible switch within himself. His performance as the pleasure-seeking priest was so lifelike it was uncanny.
As for the tofu recommendations, Second Master figured he'd be fine as long as he stayed alert... probably.
The cast would be shooting an action scene that afternoon, specifically the final battle at Ryuudou Temple, the most crucial scene in the entire film.
As mentioned earlier, the most important thing in a commercial film was the "action scenes." Shinji had put extra effort into this part to get the best results.
Before filming, Shinji had even asked the actors to rehearse the action scenes and decide in advance where several of the moves would land.
There was no helping it. Although Artificial gems didn't need wires to set off and were cheaper than traditional explosives, burying the gems in the set still took a lot of work. To avoid unnecessary retakes, Shinji had decided to rehearse in advance.
However, the rehearsal results weren't to Shinji's satisfaction.
The reason was...
"Cut! Hey, hey, you over there! Could you put a little more effort into it?! This is a really important rehearsal!"
Shinji called loudly to a certain Golden Flash, megaphone in hand.
"Huh? What'd you say?"
On set, Gilgamesh picked at his ear with his little finger and replied disdainfully.
Chapter 11: Gilgamesh: You're Telling Me What to Do?
Shinji pressed his lips together and tapped the armrest of the director's chair with his fingers, his face full of helplessness.
Gilgamesh stood in the middle of the set with his arms crossed, glaring at Shinji with an imposing air.
"I said, Gilgamesh."
After the two had stared at each other for quite a while, Shinji finally spoke through gritted teeth.
"Could you act according to my script for once? I can't work with you just doing whatever you want."
Gilgamesh replied as though it were only natural, "Why? What makes you think I, the King, should act according to your instructions?"
"Tch."
Before you continue