Miki Yamamura's Worries

When I came to my senses, I was all alone.

It wasn't that anyone hated me.

It was just that no one's gaze ever lingered on me.

Ignored by others, utterly unnoticeable—that was what I was... I couldn't even make people dislike me, let alone like me. So I'd always been alone. In kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school, I never had any real friends. I was always by myself.

I couldn't develop any social skills. I was just a lump of air... Even when I entered high school, nothing changed.

At the pool, no boys' gazes ever settled on me. Even the teachers hardly noticed me...

As I was thinking that, something bumped into my back... No, more accurately, into me.

It was a strange sensation, accompanied by warm breath—

"Ah—ah—"

A coquettish sound escaped me before I could stop it. I was the kind of person even perverts on the train wouldn't pick out. What was going on...

(Commuter-train salarymen: There aren't that many perverts! Stop reading so much of that stuff!)

"Yamamura, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to."

So cute...

It was Seishiki Otonashi, the class's "cutie" or "mascot." I was honestly jealous of his popularity. It seemed all the girls liked him. Seeing that gender-defying face from so close made my heart flutter.

No, no, what was I thinking? I was just an invisible person, a pitiful bit of air who would soon fade away into the crowd.

It must have been because I was so unnoticeable that Seishiki Otonashi bumped into me...

"Ah—Otonashi... Um, well... I'm sorry!"

Seishiki Otonashi wore a puzzled look. The sunlight was like a hazy filter, and the droplets on his purple hair reflected a soft glow. Even droplets ran down his face, as though he were crying... For some reason, it stirred a "desire to bully him" in me.

I'd never had such a terrifying thought before. I hurriedly suppressed it—

What a strange feeling.

"Huh? It was my fault. Why are you apologizing?"

I felt Seishiki Otonashi's gaze resting on me. Was he observing me?

"No... It was my fault... Um, I'm sorry. I was in your way."

Suddenly, I felt my hand being clasped tightly. Even in the chilly pool, I could clearly feel the other person's small, warm body heat, like a candle.

"It was my fault. You did nothing wrong, Yamamura! Don't treat yourself with such low self-esteem."

Low self-esteem? Maybe I really did feel that way. Had he noticed?

Just looking into those strangely colored eyes made me feel like I was going to get lost in them...

"Some people are always saying they're lonely, but really, they're just lonely and insecure."

"Do you know? In the end, people with low self-esteem often have nothing left but kindness. Yamamura, you're a perfect example. People who are used to being alone often crave passionate love the most. People are always eager to reach out to those they encounter, and in the end, what people love is their own desires."

"Actually, Yamamura, you've never understood loneliness. Why not try to understand it? Then face your own desires honestly."

"Understand loneliness?"

I thought loneliness was painful, so I'd never tried to understand what it meant. I'd gotten used to being alone, and then I'd become one with my loneliness...

"If someone learns to face the deepest pain within themselves alone, overcomes the desire to escape, and has someone to share their suffering with, then there's very little left for them to learn."

"I'm willing to be the one who shares your suffering—in other words, your friend."

"But being a 'friend' carries its own weight, too. Sometimes loneliness isn't the tragedy; being unable to be alone is... We're born alone. Once you learn to enjoy being alone, you're no longer lonely... In my opinion, at first, loneliness is imposed by your circumstances. After that, it's your own choice."

"Yamamura, you chose to be alone and learned to enjoy it. Now it's time for you to stop being alone."

Feeling the warmth he shared with me, Seishiki Otonashi seemed dazzling. For the first time in my life, I felt the weight of something called "friendship"...

"A person has to be strong and happy in order to help those who are unhappy."

The two of us looked at each other, as though reminding one another that we were there.

Seishiki Otonashi was someone who could understand me. I felt genuine joy.

For years, months, and days, I'd sat alone at the bottom of the ocean within my heart.

Now there was warm water, gentle light, and silence, silence...

"I'm willing."

For the first time, Miki Yamamura showed a sincere smile in front of a friend.