Miki Yamamura's Troubles

Coming back to my senses, I found myself completely alone.

It wasn't that people disliked me.

It was just that no one's gaze ever lingered on me.

Ignored, without presence—that was me. I couldn't even make people hate me, let alone like me. So I was always alone. In kindergarten, in elementary and middle school. I had no real friends, always by myself.

I couldn't develop social skills; I was just empty air... Even after entering high school, this never changed.

In the pool, no guy's gaze focused on me. Even the teachers rarely noticed me...

As I thought this, something bumped into my back... No, to be precise, it bumped into me.

A strange sensation, accompanied by warm breath—

"Ah—ah—"

An uncontrollable soft moan escaped me. I was the type even perverts on the train wouldn't pick... What was this?

(Train salarymen: There aren't that many perverts! Read fewer of those things!)

"Miki Yamamura, I'm sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to!"

So cute...

It was Seishiki Otonashi, the class's "mascot" or "good luck charm." Such enviable popularity; it seemed the girls all adored him. Seeing that gender-defying face this close up, my heart couldn't help but race.

No, no, what was I thinking? I was just a transparent person, a pitiful wisp of air destined to fade into the crowd.

It must have been my lack of presence that made Otonashi bump into me...

"Ah—Otonashi... um, that... sorry!"

Seishiki Otonashi's face showed confusion. The sunlight was like a hazy filter, water droplets on his purple hair reflecting soft light. Even his face dripped with water as if crying... It inexplicably stirred a [sadistic urge] in me.

This was the first time I'd had such a terrifying thought. I immediately suppressed it—

Such a strange feeling.

"Huh? It was my fault, so why are you apologizing?"

I felt Otonashi's gaze linger on me. Was he observing me?

"No... it's my fault... Sorry, I was in your way."

Suddenly, my hand was tightly grasped. Though we were in the cold pool water, I could clearly feel his small, candle-like warmth.

"It's my fault. You're not wrong at all, Yamamura! Don't treat yourself with such self-deprecating thoughts."

Self-deprecation? Maybe I really did have that feeling. Had he noticed?

Just looking at those strangely colored pupils, I felt like I was sinking into them...

"Some people always say they're lonely, but really it's just solitude and self-deprecation."

"You know? Self-deprecating people often have only gentleness left, and you're an example of that, Yamamura. People used to loneliness most crave passionate love. People always eagerly reach out to those they encounter, but in the end, what they truly love is their own desire."

"Actually, Yamamura, you've never understood loneliness. How about trying to understand it? Then face your desires honestly."

"Understand loneliness?"

I thought loneliness was painful, so I'd never understood its meaning. I got used to it, then merged with it...

"If a person learns to face their deepest pain alone, overcoming the desire to escape, and finds someone to 'share the suffering' with them, then there's little left for them to learn."

"I'm willing to be that person who shares your suffering—in other words, a friend."

"But the weight of the word 'friend' is also tough. Sometimes loneliness isn't a tragedy; being unable to be lonely is... People are born lonely. First, learn to enjoy loneliness, and you'll no longer be lonely... In my view, the initial solitude is given by circumstance; later, it's a choice."

"Yamamura, you chose loneliness yourself. You learned to enjoy it. Now it's time to stop being lonely."

Feeling the warmth he transmitted, Seishiki Otonashi was too dazzling. For the first time in my life, I felt the weight of something called "friendship"...

"A person must be strong and happy to help the unfortunate."

We looked at each other, as if reminding each other of our existence through our eyes.

Seishiki Otonashi was [someone who could understand me]. From the bottom of my heart, I felt joy.

For years, months, days, I had sat alone at the bottom of an inner ocean.

Now, warm water, soft light, and silence, silence...

"I'm willing."

For the first time, Miki Yamamura showed a genuine smile in front of a friend.