A Wretched Emperor's Lot

"Your junior takes his leave." Qian Yuhan rose, clasped his hands, and followed the inscrutable Titled Douluo out of the palace at a brisk pace.

The stooped old man watched Qian Yuhan follow Xu Yan farther and farther away, until they disappeared from sight. Only then did he turn and walk over to the imperial desk.

After hesitating for a long while, he clasped his hands toward Xu Kun and said, "Although... I know Your Majesty sees all and has everything under control, but..."

"But what?" Xu Kun asked.

"Princess Tianzhen didn't apply to the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy. She applied to the Mingdu Soul Engineer Academy."

"? Ah! What! She didn't apply to the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy? When did this happen? Why am I only finding out now?!"

"Wu Ergui! Why didn't you tell me earlier? Were you waiting to laugh at me?!"

Realizing that an unwelcome complication had cropped up again after he'd planned everything, the furious old emperor Xu Kun let out an angry growl. Even the roof tiles rattled from the force of it.

"Damn it, Xu! Don't you yell at me! I've watched you make a fool of yourself for decades, from when we were kids until now. What's one more time?"

"Those memorials from the Mingdu Soul Engineer Academy's dean were already brought to you around dinnertime this afternoon. You didn't look carefully and swept the whole pile off the table along with the dishes. I was the one who cleaned it all up."

Duck­ing beneath the papers and brushes Xu Kun had sent flying in every direction, the stooped old man named Wu Ergui hid behind a pillar and told it like it was.

"..."

For a moment, the air fell into a strange silence. The old emperor Xu Kun looked at the mountain of memorials on the table nearby. He was on the verge of smashing something else to vent his anger when Wu Ergui's voice drifted lazily out from behind the pillar again:

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. I glanced through those memorials while cleaning up. Basically..."

"The soldiers' weapons on the Star Luo Empire border need updating. They need money!"

"The troops on the Heavenly Soul border still need their pay for the second half of the year. They need money!"

"Several cities in the north near the Ice Sea need funds for Sea Soul Beast attack relief. They need money!"

"There's no rain in the central region. Drought. They need money."

"There's been another earthquake in the south. Disaster relief. They need money."

"If you smash a Phoenix Crown Celadon Cup today, the treasury will have to pay out another five hundred Gold Soul Coins to buy you a replacement. And you know what those procurement people are like..."

Wu Ergui's words might have been better left unsaid. Hearing them, even the iron-willed emperor Xu Kun—who had worked from dawn until the dead of night for years on end—felt like he was about to snap.

"Damn it! Do I not even have the right to smash something anymore?!"

As he spoke, Xu Kun raised his teacup high, ready to hurl it to the floor. But when he actually went to release it, the porcelain cup in his hand no longer looked like a cup at all.

That wasn't a porcelain cup. It was five hundred Gold Soul Coins with a pair of wings.

The moment he let go, those five hundred Gold Soul Coins would shoot out of his treasury and fly into who knew whose pocket.

"What is this life, day after day?! Being emperor is so damn miserable. If I'd known, I wouldn't have fought for the throne back then."

At that moment, Xu Kun slumped into his chair, utterly drained of strength and resolve.

He set the teetering cup back on the table.

"Old Wu, what should I do now? That girl Tianzhen... sigh."

Xu Kun sighed and gazed out the window, his expression complicated. In that moment, he was no longer the emperor who ruled a vast empire. He looked more like an incapable old father who'd worked hard all day, been forced into unpaid overtime by a heartless boss, and then come home to find the house a mess and his child rolling around on the floor, screaming.

"As the ancients said, children and grandchildren have their own blessings. Don't toil like an ox or a horse for them. If you ask me, sometimes not worrying about things can bring unexpected changes."

"Easy for you to say. Tianzhen isn't your daughter..."

"So what if I didn't father her? You've been busy as hell all these years. I'm the one who watched her grow up. Hey, wait... I think I've got an idea."

As a Titled Douluo, Wu Ergui had always been easygoing. And as the quick-witted childhood friend who'd followed Xu Kun for decades, he often came up with ideas on the fly. While bantering, a bright thought seemed to strike him—a rather good one, too.

"?"

At Xu Kun's puzzled look, Wu Ergui raised his brows and called out with a cheeky grin, "Beg me. Beg me, and I'll tell you."

"Beg your mother." Xu Kun shot Wu Ergui a look, picked up a candied fruit from the drawer beneath the imperial desk, and tossed it at him.

"Spit it out, or get lost! I have morning court tomorrow. If I don't go to bed soon, I won't have time to sleep tonight."

"Such an attitude!" Wu Ergui caught the candied fruit and tossed it into his mouth. With a mischievous grin, he said, "Kun-kun! Have you forgotten you're the emperor?!"

"Huh?!" Xu Kun was utterly baffled.

Seeing that Xu Kun still hadn't caught on, Wu Ergui spat the fruit pit into the spittoon under the desk with a "pfft," then held up three fingers and put on a mysterious air.

"I have three strategies: upper, middle, and lower. Which one do you want to hear?"

"You? The king of barely scraping by, who only managed to graduate because you copied my final project, came up with three strategies? You've got that kind of brain? The 'Kun' in my name doesn't even have the 'king' radical."

Xu Kun pretended not to believe him, but his body told another story: he leaned forward a little. "Still, I'm kindhearted, so I'll give you a chance. Tell me the lower strategy first."

"You're the emperor. Just issue a decree merging the Mingdu Soul Engineer Academy into the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy."

"Yeah, right. The two academies are in different districts. After the merger, how would we divide the old and new campuses and student resources? What about the faculty? How would we build the new campus? Where would we get the land? What would happen to the old district? How would we pay compensation? Have you thought about any of that?"

"It'd take at least two or three years to sort out." Xu Kun pursed his lips and leaned back against his chair again. "That won't work. Tell me the middle strategy."

"Fine, fine. You're the emperor. I'll do as you say."

Wu Ergui didn't get discouraged when his first idea was rejected. Instead, he offered a second suggestion. "The middle strategy is for you to step in and persuade either Tianzhen or that boy to change their application."

"That won't work." Xu Kun frowned and waved a hand in distaste. "I know Tianzhen's personality. If I step in and try to persuade her over something this trivial, she'll sulk with me afterward. The last time she threw a tantrum, she nearly set the Three Great Halls on fire with firecrackers. I had to read at least two thousand of those irritating memorials impeaching her within a week."

"Don't come up with such a boneheaded idea. I'd like to live a couple more years."