The Ill-Fated Emperor Kun Kun

"This Humble One takes his leave." Qian Yuhan rose, cupped his hands in a salute, and followed the inscrutable Title Douluo, striding out of the palace gates.

Watching Qian Yuhan follow Xu Yan until he disappeared from sight, the hunched old man turned and walked toward the imperial desk.

After hesitating for a long time, he cupped his hands toward Xu Kun and said, "Although... this subject knows that Your Majesty's sagely heart is as clear as a candle, holding all things in your grasp, still..."

"Still what?" Xu Kun asked.

"Princess Tianzhen did not apply to the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy; she applied to the Bright Capital Soul Engineer Academy."

"?, Ah! What! She didn't apply to the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy? When did this happen? Why is Imperial We only hearing of this now!"

"Wu Ergui! Why didn't you tell Imperial We before! Were you waiting to see Imperial We make a fool of yourself!?"

Realizing that a troublesome variable had appeared once again after he had planned everything out, the furious old Emperor Xu Kun let out a roar of rage, the sound so intense that the roof tiles rattled and rustled.

"Damn it, you surnamed Xu, stop howling at me! I've been watching you make a fool of yourself for decades since we were kids; what's one more time?"

"When you were eating dinner this afternoon, the memorial from the Dean of the Bright Capital Soul Engineer Academy was already placed before you. You weren't paying attention, and with one sweep of your hand, you knocked the pile of memorials over along with the table and your meal. I was the one who cleaned it up for you."

Lowering his head to dodge the pens and paper that Xu Kun was throwing everywhere, the hunched old man named Wu Ergui hid his body behind a pillar and spoke the truth.

"..."

In an instant, the air fell into a strange silence. Old Emperor Xu Kun looked at the mountain-high pile of memorials on the nearby table, several times wanting to throw something else to vent his anger, but he didn't expect Wu Ergui's voice to drift out from behind the pillar once more:

"Oh, forgot to tell you, I took a quick look at those memorials of yours while I was cleaning up. Roughly speaking..."

"The soldiers on the Star Luo border need their weapons upgraded and iterated—they want money!"

"The military pay for the second half of the year on the Heavenly Soul border needs to be distributed—they want money!"

"The cities in the north near the Ice Sea need subsidies for Sea Soul Beast attacks—they want money!"

"The central region has no rain; it's a drought—they want money."

"There was an earthquake in the south; they need disaster relief—they want money."

"If you break one Phoenix Crown Celadon Cup right now, the national treasury will have to shell out another five hundred Gold Soul Coins to buy you a replacement. You know what those procurement officers are like, I think..."

Wu Ergui would have been better off not saying anything. With these words, even the iron-willed Emperor Xu Kun, who worked from dawn until the third watch of the night for years on end, felt his composure crack.

"Damn it! Does Imperial We not even have the right to break something?!"

As he spoke, Xu Kun raised the teacup in his hand high, nearly throwing it to the ground. But just as he was about to let go, in his eyes, the porcelain cup was no longer just a simple cup.

It wasn't a cup at all; it was clearly a five-hundred Gold Soul Coin piece with a pair of wings.

The moment he let go, those five hundred Gold Soul Coins would zip right out of his treasury and fly into someone else's pocket.

"What is this day after day? Being this damn emperor is truly boring. If I had known, I wouldn't have launched that campaign to secure the throne back then."

At that moment, Xu Kun slumped dejectedly into his chair, as if he had lost all his strength and resolve.

The teacup that had been teetering in his hand was placed back on the table.

"Old Wu, what does Imperial We do now? That girl Tianzhen, sigh..."

Xu Kun sighed, looking out the window with a complex expression. At this moment, he was no longer an emperor ruling a vast empire; he was more like an incompetent, exhausted father who, after working hard all day and being forced to work unpaid overtime by a heartless boss, returned home to find the house in a mess and his child rolling on the floor screaming.

"As the ancients say, children have their own fortunes; don't be a beast of burden for them. If you ask me, sometimes if you don't worry about things, there might be an unexpected turn."

"Tch, easy for you to say. Tianzhen isn't your daughter..."

"So what if she wasn't born to me? You've been busy as a ghost all these years; hasn't it been me watching her so she could grow up safely? Wait... I think I have an idea."

As a Title Douluo, Wu Ergui had always been open-minded, and as a childhood friend who had been Xu Kun's "idea man" for decades, a flash of inspiration struck him while they were bickering, and he seemed to have thought of a very good plan.

"?"

Under Xu Kun's puzzled gaze, he raised an eyebrow and said in a cheeky, high-pitched voice, "Beg me. Beg me and I'll tell you."

"Beg your mother's head." Xu Kun rolled his eyes at Wu Ergui and picked up a candied fruit from the drawer under the imperial desk, throwing it at him.

"Speak if you have something to say, or get lost if you don't! I have to hold court early tomorrow morning; if I don't sleep now, I won't have time to sleep at all."

"Such a temper!" Wu Ergui caught the candied fruit Xu Kun threw, tossed it into his mouth, and laughed strangely. "Kunkun! Have you forgotten that you're the emperor!?"

"Ah?!" Xu Kun did not understand; Xu Kun was very confused.

Seeing that Xu Kun still hadn't reacted, Wu Ergui spat the remaining fruit pit into the spittoon under the imperial desk with a 'pfft', held up three fingers, and feigned mystery.

"I have a lower, middle, and upper strategy. Which one do you want to hear?"

"You? The 'barely-passed' king who had to copy my graduation project just to scrape by? You want to offer three strategies? You have that kind of brain? If you did, the 'Kun' in my name wouldn't have the 'king' radical."

Xu Kun didn't believe it on the surface, but his body leaned forward very honestly. "However, Imperial We is kind-hearted and has decided to give you a chance. Tell Imperial We the lower strategy first."

"You're the emperor. Just issue an imperial decree to merge the Bright Capital Soul Engineer Academy into the Sun-Moon Royal Soul Engineer Academy. Isn't that enough?"

"Enough my foot. These two academies aren't even in the same district. After the merger, how do you divide the old and new campuses and student resources? How do you allocate the faculty? How do you build the new campus? Where does the land come from? How do you demolish the old district? How do you pay the compensation? Have you thought about that?"

"It wouldn't be solved in two or three years, that's for sure." Xu Kun pursed his lips and leaned back into his chair. "That won't work. Tell me the middle strategy."

"Fine, fine, you're the emperor, I'll listen to you."

The first strategy was rejected, but Wu Ergui wasn't discouraged and offered his second suggestion: "The middle strategy is for you to step in personally and persuade either Tianzhen or that boy to change their applications."

"That won't work." Xu Kun frowned and waved his hand in disgust. "I know that girl Tianzhen's personality. If I step in to persuade her about such a small matter, she'll definitely throw a tantrum. The last time she threw a tantrum, she nearly burned down the Three Great Halls with firecrackers. I read at least two thousand of those annoying memorials impeaching her within a week."

"Don't offer such a dim-witted strategy. Imperial We still wants to live a few more years."