Gah, That's Not How Naruto Works!

Qingyu dragged his barely functioning body home, locked the door, drew the curtains—all in one smooth motion.

When he pulled the little scroll from the deepest part of his ninja pouch, it felt like a hot potato. He didn't feel like a ninja so much as a spy stealing classified documents right under the Uchiha Special Ops' noses.

"What is this thing?" He set it on the table and carefully used a kunai to pry the scroll open, as wary as if he were facing an enemy.

"Could opening it trigger some kind of genjutsu that makes anyone who sees the scroll automatically join the Uchiha coup plot?"

"It's not that crude." Izuna's voice was full of disdain.

"Uchiha genjutsu is much more elegant. At the very least, it'd be packaged as 'you willingly made this wise choice.'"

"It's not that sophisticated!" Tobirama's voice dripped with disdain.

"The Uchiha aren't that clever. You can't even tell whether there are any smart ones among them."

"...That's even scarier!" Qingyu's mouth twitched.

What if the Sharingan triggered a cutscene the moment he looked at it? Some Konoha brotherly love...

"Don't touch the scroll itself yet. Let me sense it first," Tobirama said, calmly analyzing it.

"There's a weak chakra seal on the surface, not very high-level. Probably just to keep ordinary people or small animals from setting it off. As for the contents... I can't sense any concealment technique. Looks like you Uchiha really do enjoy putting on this kind of mysterious act."

"It's called a sense of ceremony, White Hair," Izuna shot back.

"So," Qingyu raised both hands, "you two big shots, give me a straight answer. Should I read it or not?"

"Read it," they said in unison.

Qingyu: "...Weren't you just saying it might be dangerous?"

"Even if it is, we should read it!" Izuna said.

"Knowing what the enemy is thinking is better than knowing nothing. On the battlefield, the worst thing is having no information."

"And this is a good opportunity to learn about the current situation inside the Uchiha," Tobirama added.

"You can read a lot into a scroll personally gifted by the Clan Head. For example, whether they want to win you over, use you, or keep an eye on you—this sudden new clan member."

Izuna & Tobirama: Anyway, they weren't the ones opening it, right...

Qingyu took a deep breath, ready to use the Substitution Technique and run at any moment, then untied the dark purple ribbon.

"Crack."

He carefully peeled off the sealing wax... No explosion, no smoke, no sudden Sharingan genjutsu jumping out at him.

Nothing unusual happened.

As expected, the Uchiha weren't stupid enough to pull something so classless.

Small mercies... right?

Still, it wasn't remotely amusing that his teammates were throwing the match.

Though they did seem a little better than the bots from his previous life. At least nobody was making him take the Turing test.

One versus nine. A fair game!

"That's it?" Qingyu sounded a little disappointed. "I thought it'd at least flash gold or something..."

Like opening the scroll and hearing someone excitedly yell, "Whoa! A golden legendary!"

The scroll slowly unfurled.

The first half was perfectly ordinary, almost excessively so. It was a genuine collection of Uchiha ninjutsu notes:

<Fire Style: Great Fireball Technique Chakra Flow Optimization Diagrams (Revised Version from the Late Warring States Period)>

<Sharingan Basic Training Precautions (For Those Who Haven't Awakened It, Includes Diagrams for Daily Eye Exercises)>

<Uchiha Style Shuriken Throwing Angle Calculation Table (With Adjustment Formulas for Wind Speed and Humidity)>

It even thoughtfully included several training schedules, laid out from five in the morning to ten at night. Everything was arranged down to the last detail, with time set aside for meals and bathroom breaks.

How were the Uchiha so meticulous...

"Looks pretty legit..." Qingyu flipped through it.

"The chakra pathway for this Great Fireball Technique is at least thirty percent more streamlined than the version I learned at school. It reduces the chakra nodes from seventeen to twelve, so it should be a lot more efficient."

"Mm. My brother revised this version." There was a trace of nostalgia in Izuna's voice.

"The original wasted too much chakra. On the battlefield, saving even a little chakra could mean living one second longer."

"Your brother even took care of this?" Qingyu asked in surprise.

"He took care of everything," Izuna said.

"From Shuriken throwing angles to etiquette training for the clan's children, from battlefield formations to what we had for dinner. He called it 'the Clan Head's responsibility,' but really, he was just controlling."

Tobirama: That's not it at all. Does he really think I don't know who the Clan Head is? With Madara Uchiha's intelligence, getting everything in such perfect order? He might as well wish upon a star!

In Tobirama's eyes, perhaps the ranking went Uchiha Clan > border collie > Madara Uchiha.

But Tobirama didn't call him out. Instead, he suddenly said, "Turn to the last page. The bottom right corner. Sense the edge with your chakra."

Qingyu did as he was told, gathering a thin thread of chakra at his fingertip and gently brushing it over the edge of the scroll.

In the lining at the very end of the scroll, a line of tiny writing appeared in nearly transparent special ink:

[In three days, at the hour of the Pig, Naka Shrine. Regular clan meeting. If you have the time, you may attend as an observer. —Fugaku]

Qingyu stared at the line, frozen for a full ten seconds.

How was that any different from "anyone who sees this scroll automatically joins the Uchiha coup plot"?

Qingyu: Border collie > Uchiha Clan > Madara Uchiha.

Qingyu: Wait, aren't I also an Uchiha?!

Tobirama: That's right! That's right!

"Is this... an invitation?" he asked.

"It's a test," Tobirama said, getting straight to the point.

"'If you have the time' literally means 'if you're not busy.' In practice, it means 'if you think you're good enough.'"

"Or," Izuna offered more bluntly, "if you really want to become part of the clan instead of staying an outsider."

"Kid, you've been watched ever since the day you fell into that secret room. No—from the moment you used that half-baked Water-and-Fire Style technique, you were already on certain people's radar."

Qingyu slumped in his chair and stared up at the sky, utterly dejected.

"I just wanted to take an exam in peace, become a Chunin, earn a paycheck, and lie around eating Red Bean Paste Pancakes after training... Why is that so hard? This ninja world is way too unfriendly to players who just want to slack off!"

Gah, that's not how Naruto works!

Why are you asking me to go to a clan meeting right away?!

That's not how Naruto works in the game!

You're supposed to talk to me more first, then raise my affection level.

You should give me presents every now and then, and have some special interaction with me on a special holiday.

Then, during some mysterious event deep in my heart, you confess to me. I agree to be with you, and then I show you my special CG!

Why are you asking me to go to a clan meeting right off the bat?!

That's not how Naruto works in the game at all! I refuse to accept this!!

[Ding!]

[System Notification: Detected host attempting to avoid a key story event. Issuing "Love's Encouragement (Forced Version)" mission.]

Qingyu: "...System bro, I'm begging you, not right now..."

[Side Mission: The Uchiha Invitation (You Have No Choice Version)]

[Mission Description: Brave young man, go forth and work miracles! In three days, at the hour of the Pig (9–11 p.m.), go to Naka Shrine and attend the Uchiha Clan Meeting.]

[Note: If you don't go, the number of Uchiha who "happen" to pass by your house may increase~]

[Mission Requirements: 1. Arrive on time (being late will affect your reputation within the clan). 2. Don't reveal the existence of the two souls (exposure counts as mission failure). 3. Obtain at least one valuable piece of information (don't think you can just muddle through).]

[Mission Rewards: Based on your performance, unlock either "Slightly Increased Chance of Awakening the Sharingan (about as likely as winning five yuan in the lottery)" or "Improved Chakra Control (might come in handy~)"]

[Failure Penalty: Uchiha clan reputation drops to "Suspicious (High-Priority Subject for Observation)," plus one "Curious Glance from Root." Difficulty of subsequent story events increases by 50%.]

Qingyu: Bro, I'm not piloting a Gundam! And enough with "brave young man"! Who's going to make up for the cheat abilities I'm missing?!

[System: I'm not going to make up your balls for you either!]