Are You Kidding Me?

Yack's explanation made no sense. The more Hogg thought about it, the less sense it made. According to Hogg's experiments, those Tech-priests felt nauseous when they prayed to him, and he could vaguely sense when someone worshipped him. It was a very strange feeling.

But even if these Eldar had covered themselves in the Imperial Truth and Aquila symbols, what did that have to do with him? Hogg had immediately spotted the problem: they'd chosen the wrong target. If they kept doing things their way, Slaanesh would still claim their souls after death and turn them into star power.

As the saying went, you didn't hit someone who came bearing a smile. And considering how important that planet was, Hogg patiently explained the situation to the Eldar before him.

"Yack, right? Don't rush. I have to say, your Gothic is pretty good. But is it possible that your faith just isn't sincere enough?

"First of all, I'm not a god. Secondly, I won't help you if you're only in this for what you can get out of it. And what does painting Aquilas have to do with me? I'm not the Emperor. Besides, the Imperium strictly forbids faith. You're putting me in a difficult position."

Hogg rubbed his fingertips together, hoping the Eldar before him would understand what he meant.

It was no wonder Farseers were no ordinary people. Even without understanding the exact meaning of the human gesture, Yack could still infer its general meaning.

"Primarch, our Alaitoc Craftworld may not have much else, but we do have a modest fortune. Whatever you need, I'll find a way to get it for you."

"Hey, don't rush. How many times do I have to say it? This is about faith. How can you say you'll 'get it' for me? Watch your wording, my Eldar high priest. And don't keep calling me 'sir' from now on."

"Then what should we call you?" the Eldar asked cautiously, watching the Primarch on the throne, who was enjoying himself immensely.

"At work, you should address people by their titles. I'll make an exception for you: from now on, call me Holy Father!"

The Eldar all knelt and bowed. "Holy Father."

"Get up. No kneeling. We Blackwatch don't go in for that sort of thing. You make it look like I'm forcing you. You can ask my chief of staff, Emilia Aziz, to teach you the basic courtesies."

"Get up and speak, Yack. Let me make this clear in advance: I don't mind if you worship me. But you'll have to join Blackwatch and do your part for us. Don't think I'm trying to get something from you for free. Do you know why your prayers didn't work before?"

It was true that if they genuinely worshipped him, their souls might end up before the chaotic tentacles in the void after death. But that chaotic mass of tentacles was Hogg himself, and whether he chose to capture them was entirely up to him. The Eldar didn't know that, of course. If he didn't squeeze some value out of them, wouldn't he be letting them take advantage of him for free? Hogg hated freeloaders and wouldn't allow that to happen.

Old Yack, who had found hope for his people once more, said excitedly, "Please enlighten us, Holy Father."

Hogg took out a limited-edition Blackwatch Legion Primarch chess piece and placed it on the table. Everyone looked puzzled, but Hogg pointed at the piece and said:

"First, you chose the wrong target for your worship. I am me, and the Imperium is the Imperium. If I hadn't caught you in time, who knows what kind of demon might have snatched you up if you'd kept praying? From now on, pray to this.

"Second, you don't understand my ideals, so there's no basis for faith. You're simply desperate for a little peace. Don't rush to argue.

"I'm different from the other Primarchs of the Imperium. I don't oppose aliens joining us. As long as you agree with my ideals and the Imperial Truth, and don't harm humanity, you're qualified to join us. The Galaxy is vast enough for all kinds of life, and the Imperium has plenty of Abhumans.

"Look around you. My Legion is full of Xenos technology. It's no big deal. Who knows? Maybe the Old Ones visited Earth in the distant past and created a bunch of primate monkeys. Look how much we resemble each other—we've both got eyes and noses. Maybe humans and Eldar are brothers from different fathers and mothers.

"Yack, if you can live and die alongside Blackwatch and remain loyal to me, then I promise you peace and honor after death. What's your answer?"

"Then we have only one choice. I swear my loyalty to you here and now, great Holy Father!" Yack stood and snapped his cane in two, as though he'd made a tremendous decision.

"Hahahahaha! Excellent. I admire you. You may leave. You'll find your own redemption in Blackwatch." The Eldar left the bridge and returned to their Craftworld mothership.

The head of the guard, Lyla Lynn, poked his head out. "Father, are you really willing to take in these Eldar? They're fickle and treacherous."

"Come here! Closer. Yes, yes, put your helmet on."

Thump! Hogg rapped his knuckles against the helmet, leaving a dent.

"Are you blind? That old guy was clearly holding something back. He's probably on the mothership right now, talking to their leader. Do you think they won't try every trick in the book to kidnap me and turn me into their funeral pyre if they find out my faith doesn't do much?"

"They wouldn't dare!" Lyla Lynn roared in fury.

"Why are you getting worked up? It hasn't happened. I'll let you in on a secret. Everyone, gather round." The others perked up. Their old man always had some strange secret to share.

As the Black Cans gathered around, pulling out snacks and little stools, Hogg began to speak from his throne:

"The Eldar aren't like humans. As modified by the Old Ones—their Creators—they're a whole species of psykers. After the War in Heaven, the Necrons—that is, those robots we once dug up on a planet—went into hibernation, and the Eldar rapidly rose to become one of the biggest powers in the Galaxy.

He took a sip of cola to soothe his dry lips, and the Primarch's voice continued.

"Later, well, they got arrogant, just like humanity. The Eldar began indulging themselves and going berserk, until they created an incredibly powerful energy entity—what we commonly call a god. Nearly all of the Eldar's souls were devoured, and that Chaos God was Slaanesh. Of course, don't go repeating that just because I said it was okay! After Slaanesh was born, it began hunting them down, and the Eldar fell into decline."

"Then why did they come to you, Father?" asked Fourth Captain Ginny, chewing on Latiao.

"Good question! They came because they coveted your father's power.

"The Emperor made the Primarchs using treasures from the Warp. Every one of them had the potential to become a lesser god. That's why Primarchs were so powerful in the physical universe: they weren't human at all. But I'm different. I really am human. I was born on Terra in 2K, grew up by 3K, then died. The Emperor found me and raised me into a Primarch.

"I'm even more badass than the other Primarchs. Even a Lance bombardment can't truly kill my body, because I have no soul. At the same time, although those who worship me can't make me stronger, they can't affect me either. Their souls naturally circle my essence, and I can erase them completely whenever I want.

"So they came for the peace they'd have after death, and to use my nature while they're alive to keep Slaanesh's gaze off them as much as possible."

"But, Father, are you really going to protect them?"

"No rush! Let's play along with them for a while. Oh, and have Candice go take over that planet. Let's enjoy the benefits first, then decide what to do."

Pure newbie author here. Please point out any mistakes. I'm a chess-piece player and don't know much about the details, so please bear with me. Hehe!