Then What's My Purpose? Just a Plain ** Condom? / Innocent Monster EX / Bai's Master Is Yuanshi Tianzun

Just after Sei Shōnagon agreed to your proposal, a man named Tachibana no Norimitsu, who prided himself on his martial prowess, challenged you. He had also intended to propose to Sei Shōnagon, but you had beaten him to it. If not for you, he would have been the one to succeed through sheer recklessness.

Sei Shōnagon scratched her head. It was her first time seeing two brutes taking turns proposing marriage. Since this was such a novel sight, she encouraged you to accept and fully display the abundant martial virtue of the Han people.

In short, she was fanning the flames. As far as Sei Shōnagon was concerned, if you won, she would say she did not like men without strength; if you lost, she would say she did not like cultured men. In any case, Tachibana no Norimitsu had no chance of winning.

System: Seriously, you two lunatics found each other? You are not even using your talents?

You accepted Tachibana no Norimitsu's challenge.

He was the first man since Lancelot to dare fight you while priding himself on his martial prowess. How could you not be delighted? How could you not be excited? If he had such confidence in his strength, then he surely had something exceptional about him.

When the duel began, Tachibana no Norimitsu was still drawing his sword when you sent him flying with a punch. He flew far into the distance under Sei Shōnagon's watchful gaze, while Abe no Seimei, who had no idea how things had changed so quickly, could only clap to make himself feel involved.

"You... didn't kill him, did you? The Tachibana family still has some influence."

Bai Ming had not expected himself to be this strong now. He had not felt much when he was fooling around with Shuten-dōji, though? (Shuten-dōji's Strength: A)

"He should... not be dead, right? I just went boom, and he flew that far."

Sei Shōnagon nodded. "Then he went bam and hit the ground."

Bai Ming and Sei Shōnagon walked over together. After checking him over, they found that Tachibana no Norimitsu had merely fainted and suffered a few superficial injuries. Nothing serious had happened.

Bai Ming borrowed a brush from Sei Shōnagon and silently wrote, "A piece of trash who insults martial prowess by lasting less than a minute," across Tachibana no Norimitsu's unconscious face. Then, out of kindness, he used magecraft to permanently fix the words onto his face.

Sei Shōnagon felt that Bai Ming's mental state suited hers perfectly. Taking the brush and pondering for a moment, she wrote the neat, square characters "dog-rat scum" on Tachibana no Norimitsu's face. It was a Tang Dynasty insult, calling someone both vile and lowly, as well as incapable of accomplishing anything or being entrusted with anything important. Then she looked at Bai Ming with sparkling eyes.

Bai Ming instantly understood what Sei Shōnagon meant, then used magical energy to fix her insult permanently onto his face as well.

"Ehh~"

This man understood me.

Sei Shōnagon immediately laughed. "Just as I thought, we're totally on the same wavelength. You can call me Noko from now on. What should I call you?"

After pondering for a moment, Sei Shōnagon said, "Baibai? Mingming?"

"Either is fine, but I have another name too: Joscelin Brando. Usually, my friends call me Jojo or Brando."

"Okay! Then I'll just call you whatever!"

In the end, Sei Shōnagon gave you the nickname Mingming Baibai, then whisked you home to pack. She had absolutely no intention of holding a wedding according to Heian-era customs, and that very day, she headed for Heian-kyo with you and Abe no Seimei.

Sei Shōnagon was an energetic girl who feared chaos in the world and loved having fun. But in the Heian era, women had low status, and the world was far from safe. Since she was not skilled in onmyōdō or martial arts, Sei Shōnagon could only curl up at home and read most of the time.

But things were different now, because she was going to marry you. That meant she would travel with you from the distant port city of Hōfu to Heian-kyo. Along the way, the phrase Sei Shōnagon said most often was, "This is so interesting."

For one moment, as you looked at Sei Shōnagon, you thought of your old friend Merlin, whom you had never really felt close to. He would always say, "Oh my, oh my~ This looks interesting," before doing things that brought him no benefit at all.

You rubbed your elbow, hoping Merlin would show up early in the coming Singularity so he could eat an elbow strike. Your Black Mamba Elbow had been hungry for far too long.

Just as you were pondering how to elbow Merlin, Sei Shōnagon's chatter interrupted your thoughts.

"I heard that many people in China are both scholarly and martial. Are you one of those people, Baibai?"

Sei Shōnagon leaned against Bai Ming with a grin. Bai Ming replied, "I do have learning, but if you want me to compose poetry and prose—sorry, any genre except poetry."

"Eh? Why exclude poetry? Aren't Tang poems great?"

Without waiting for your answer, Sei Shōnagon fell into deep thought, trying to figure out what "any genre except poetry" meant.

Because of you, Sei Shōnagon became Japan's foremother of prose ahead of schedule. She decided to write a book recording her daily life.

By the time you and Sei Shōnagon returned to Heian-kyo, Shuten-dōji's miserable days had begun.

Thanks to Abe no Seimei, Sei Shōnagon knew you were an extraordinarily powerful mage and an extraordinarily formidable warrior. After returning home and seeing Shuten-dōji drinking, her eyes lit up and she rushed over. Shuten-dōji jumped in fright and was about to do something, but then she saw Bai Ming's gaze and gave up resisting.

Shuten-dōji figured out that you had vanished for so long because you had gone off to find a woman.

"It's a living oni!"

Sei Shōnagon poked Shuten-dōji all over and even touched her oni horns, causing Shuten-dōji's body to tense up as she let out a soft whimper. Then she said irritably, "Human, have you ever seen a dead oni?"

"I never had the chance." Then Sei Shōnagon's eyes gleamed as she eagerly asked, "Can you die once so I can see?"

Shuten-dōji felt that line sounded familiar. Then she noticed Bai Ming silently drinking tea nearby and remembered that when she had mentioned her death triggering the Hyakki Yagyō, Bai Ming had worn the same eager expression.

I see...

Shuten-dōji understood everything. She immediately said, "Are you Master's other half? Are you the Crimson Moon's Ferocious Divine Roaring Chick Poppy Future, the supreme Consort Yu?"

Sei Shōnagon earnestly wrote down the title Bai Ming had casually made up in her notebook, then nodded. "I didn't understand what you said after that, but I can count as Baibai's other half!"

Bai Ming sprayed out a mouthful of tea. Come to think of it, had the Gods of Thunder not told Consort Yu of this era that he had been casually making things up about her in Japan?

"Noko, you shouldn't admit to that. Just tell Shuten-dōji you're my wife."

Sei Shōnagon nodded. "So your name is Shuten-dōji. Looking at your figure, you really are quite childlike."

Shuten-dōji instantly crushed the wine cup in her hand. If I hadn't fallen into becoming an oni, would my figure be subject to your ridicule?

What Is This Concubine Supposed to Do, Then? Just a Purely ** Sleeve?

While Sei Shōnagon and Shuten-dōji bickered without end, you looked at your dog.

You had to admit that Setanta, that stupid dog, had a bit of spirit to him. So you wondered whether to enlighten him and make him your helper.

You had an idea.

You began checking the materials stored in your system space. Soon, you found the processed corpse of Vortigern, whom you had killed during your first simulation.

His White Dragon Heart had already been tossed into the furnace and refined into a pill. It was a miraculous pill that allowed whoever consumed it to possess the heart and power of a white dragon.

You began to hesitate over whether to feed the pill to that foolish red haired Fujimaru Ritsuka or to Setanta.

In the end, you decided to use Fafnir's dragon heart to refine another pill and feed it to Setanta. After all, you were not particularly wealthy, and rare materials like Vortigern needed to be conserved.

The Shiba Inu Setanta consumed the Dragon Pill (Heart of Fafnir), and his bloodline changed.

Setanta's Strength and Constitution greatly increased.

Setanta's intelligence greatly increased.

The Shiba Inu Setanta was renamed "Setanta Fafnir" and learned the skills "Intimidation (Dragon)," "Fire Breath (Dragon)," and "Dragon-Dog Transformation."

Sei Shōnagon had no idea what you were doing, but Shuten-dōji knew perfectly well.

"Hey, that's the heart of a Western Dragon Kind, isn't it?! Why did you feed it to a dog?!"

Shuten-dōji immediately panicked. Who would have thought that Setanta would start barking furiously at her? "Woof woof woof!"

Shuten-dōji glared at Setanta. "Why are you barking at this concubine?"

"Woof woof woof!"

Shuten-dōji began arguing with the dog. You felt that neither Setanta nor Shuten-dōji had any idea what the other was saying.

After Shuten-dōji and Setanta finished arguing, Bai Ming said, "This is the dog I picked up. He's a meritorious dog who joined me in wiping out your Mount Ooe."

Angered by a dog, Shuten-dōji smiled sweetly.

"Master, this concubine cannot understand what you are saying."

A pet dog ate a dragon heart and gained combat ability. Then what was this concubine supposed to do? Just be a purely ** sleeve?

Don't joke around! This concubine was one of the Three Great Yokai of Heian-kyo! How could she only be good for being a ** sleeve?!

But in Bai Ming's eyes, although Setanta was just a mostly useless Shiba Inu, and even in battle Bai Ming had to put him somewhere safe so he could watch with an OMO expression, he was still a meritorious dog who had accompanied you as you slaughtered your way through Heian-kyo!

Since the dog had merit, he naturally deserved a reward!

"If you can't understand, then don't listen. A foolish child should have the self-awareness of a foolish child."

Bai Ming's words were as choking as ever. "I heard your father is Yamata no Orochi. Can you trick your dad into coming out so I can kill him?"

Shuten-dōji said, "Some people also say this concubine is the child of Mount Togakushi, in other words, the child of Kuzuryū."

Sei Shōnagon walked over cheerfully. "I bet Baibai's next line will be—"

"Then trick both your dads out so I can kill them."

The two spoke in unison as they looked at Shuten-dōji. Shuten-dōji took a deep breath, grabbed the leash, and took Setanta out for a walk. She could not stay in this place for another second. She should think of a way to trigger the Hyakki Yagyō so this ancestor could slaughter to his heart's content, then perhaps settle down.

When it came to being dog lovers, you believed you and Chaldea's horse lover would inevitably have a battle one day. When that time came, it would be a battle between Setanta and Red Hare.

Setanta looked at you with a bewildered expression, completely unaware of the unrealistic hopes you had placed on him. He happily followed Shuten-dōji out the door, while Sei Shōnagon quietly sat at the small table and began writing.

It was your first time seeing Sei Shōnagon so quiet, elegant, and earnest, and you found it quite novel. But you did not keep staring at her because of that. Taking advantage of the time difference between the simulator and reality, you began training like mad.

Your Strength, Endurance, and Agility slightly increased.

Your magical energy slightly increased.

After finishing your training, you went out to challenge the famous warriors of Heian-kyo. Sei Shōnagon intended to record your challenges against these renowned fighters for people to sing of.

You set your sights on Minamoto no Yorimitsu and her Four Heavenly Kings.

You easily found Watanabe no Tsuna. Using a sparring match as an excuse, you beat up one of the Four Heavenly Kings of Yorimitsu.

You met Minamoto no Yorimitsu. She was a woman filled with maternal radiance. You wanted to fight her, but Minamoto no Yorimitsu did not immediately agree to your request.

"Please forgive me for declining your request for the moment."

Minamoto no Yorimitsu was dressed entirely in purple. Her armor, the tight outfit wrapping her lewd, cow-like figure, even her hair and eyes, were all purple. Bai Ming sensed something familiar from her.

It was a feeling that was fundamentally not human. It was divinity.

Bai Ming quietly looked at Minamoto no Yorimitsu and said, "I desire a battle with you, Minamoto no Yorimitsu. You have no room to refuse."

"If you lose, please assist us in purging the oni and monsters." Seeing Bai Ming's resolute expression, Minamoto no Yorimitsu agreed. "Likewise, if I lose, I will serve at your command."

Minamoto no Yorimitsu was the child of Gozu Tennō, inheriting power equal to that of Indra, the god of Gion Shōja.

Seeing that Minamoto no Yorimitsu had four weapons—a bow, an axe, a naginata, and a tachi—you took out your Pojun Divine Lightning Halberd. Then you asked Watanabe no Tsuna to bring an axe, a bow, and a sword. You agreed to compete in five matches: these four weapons, plus unarmed combat. Minamoto no Yorimitsu accepted them all.

Your first match with Minamoto no Yorimitsu was archery.

"Since this is a sparring match, we will only determine superiority, not life and death."

Considering how Bai Ming tended to strike without restraint, Minamoto no Yorimitsu proposed, "We remove the arrowheads and coat the shafts in white powder. Whoever hits the other once wins. How about it?"

"That works."

Bai Ming and Minamoto no Yorimitsu each took a bow and a quiver of headless arrows, then entered a dense forest. Their first contest began.

Figures darted through the woods, bows drawn and arrows loosed at one another. Even without arrowheads, the arrows still tore through the air with sharp whistles.

Their arrows collided in midair. After missing with that exchange, they both immediately disappeared into the forest again, hiding as they constantly shifted positions and prepared for the next attack.

Suddenly, the sound of two arrows tearing through the air rang out again.

Bai Ming's and Minamoto no Yorimitsu's arrows flew once more, colliding in midair.

Then Bai Ming fired while running, shooting nine arrows in succession before vanishing from sight. It was clearly Bai Ming's specialty: the Nine-Arrows Chain.

Minamoto no Yorimitsu was startled and immediately loosed several arrows to intercept Bai Ming's shots, twisting around and plunging back into the forest. But the moment she entered the trees, she saw the man standing before her with a smiling face, bow drawn, his arrow aimed straight at her head. "You lost the first round. For the second, let's compete in unarmed combat or polearms. Archery is ultimately not as exciting as fighting up close."

The Innocent Monster EX / Old Bai's Master Was Yuanshi Tianzun

At your request, Minamoto no Yorimitsu decided to compete with you in polearms.

On the wide training ground, Minamoto no Yorimitsu held a naginata, while you held a war halberd.

"Seiwa Genji martial arts. Please instruct me."

Minamoto no Yorimitsu gripped her naginata in both hands and cautiously watched Bai Ming. Bai Ming merely rolled his neck, then laughed loudly. "Blades have no eyes, so be careful!"

With that, Bai Ming swung his halberd at Minamoto no Yorimitsu in a flash of lightning. Minamoto no Yorimitsu gripped her naginata with both hands and raised it over her head, directly taking Bai Ming's blow. Yet the overwhelming force still sent her sliding back a distance. Then she swung the naginata and slashed horizontally at Bai Ming. Bai Ming raised his halberd to block the strike. Minamoto no Yorimitsu turned her slash into a sweep, swinging the long shaft of her naginata at Bai Ming from the other end. Bai Ming moved his halberd, using its shaft to block the naginata's handle, then thrust upward directly at Minamoto no Yorimitsu's face.

Minamoto no Yorimitsu retreated with the momentum, narrowly evading Bai Ming's thrusting halberd tip, while her naginata struck toward Bai Ming's arm. Bai Ming blocked the change in attack, pulled his halberd back to press down her naginata, and reached for Minamoto no Yorimitsu. They exchanged several unarmed moves before separating again with weapons in hand.

Minamoto no Yorimitsu was very strong, no weaker than Shuten-dōji.

Bai Ming shook his hand and thought, No wonder she can become the strongest slayer of mysteries in the Heian era. This brute strength alone is enough to punch a group of ordinary people to death. But then again, Minamoto no Yorimitsu is Gozu Tennō's child. It is only natural that she is far stronger than ordinary humans; being able to rival Lily, that red dragon, is nothing strange.

Meanwhile, Minamoto no Yorimitsu held her naginata in one hand while clenching the hand that had collided with Bai Ming's.

It hurt. It really hurt. Minamoto no Yorimitsu thought, Could that man be some god reincarnated? Otherwise, how could his strength exceed even mine by a little?

"You're a fine woman. Again!"

Bai Ming charged straight at Minamoto no Yorimitsu while dragging his halberd, and Minamoto no Yorimitsu also shouted, "That is the one compliment I do not want to hear at a time like this!"

As if she wanted to be praised as a fine woman—she wanted to hear that kind of praise under ordinary circumstances!