The Chatterbox Who Crashed In

"My name is Chen Tian. I'm the protagonist of that novel where I was first angered to death by a little fairy, then the author's family got cursed out by readers, so it was changed to me getting sent flying by the Almighty Dump Truck and transmigrating to Marvel."

"Hm? You're asking how I know? Thanks to this guy beside me. He's also, emmm, an overpowered bastard who can break the fourth dimension."

Chen Tian pointed at the guy beside him, who wore a red mask and carried two swords on his back.

"Hi, readers! Wow, damn, why are these readers so handsome? So beautiful? Also, Mr. Author, my name is Wade Wilson. You know me. I'm Deadpool. I also know you like to call me Little Bitchy. Is it pronounced like 'Ray-head bitch bitch'? When Ryan Reynolds said that name, his Nick Young confused Black guy face cracked me up. Hahaha!"

Deadpool clutched his stomach and slapped his thigh. "Oh, right, Mr. Author, that thing you did up there was narrative technique, right? Were you trying to make my introduction more mysterious? Let me tell you, you should..."

(The power of the author activated! The author frantically pressed the Delete key, deleting the memories Chen Tian and Wade had of this being a novel.)

"Uh... what was I about to say?" Chen Tian looked baffled as he stared blankly at the equally dazed Deadpool beside him.

"I don't know either, buddy. What were we doing just now? Why do I feel like something stirred my brain into mush? Like when my roommate licked my xxxx. Oh, right, do you know my roommate? That blind old Black lady, she... mmph!" Chen Tian clamped a hand over Wade's mouth. The veins at Chen Tian's temples were throbbing wildly...

This guy was way too talkative!

"Right, what did I just say?" Chen Tian turned to ask 2B beside him.

2B seemed to have just been enveloped by some indescribable force as well. Only after hearing Chen Tian did she react. "Ah, Master, I... I seem to have... crashed..."

Chen Tian rubbed the back of his head, his brow slightly furrowed.

"Strange... weren't we discussing something important just now?"

"Master, my system just experienced an anomaly." 2B gently pressed a hand to her temple. "It was as though my cache had been forcibly reset."

"Ha! I knew it!" Wade broke free from Chen Tian's hand and jumped between them, excitedly pointing at 2B. "Unbelievable! YoRHa 2B! The protagonist of NieR:Automata, the goddess of countless nerds."

"OMG!" Deadpool struck the pose of the figure in the famous painting The Scream. "Did our production team buy the rights to NieR:Automata? I remember the director and investors haven't even secured the rights to Logan yet. Awooo~~"

"Bang!"

Chen Tian punched Deadpool's mask. "Shut up, Wade!"

"Ow! Buddy, do you know how expensive this suit is? My suit isn't covered by the studio..." Deadpool rubbed his head, then suddenly froze. "Wait, Miss 2B just called you Master?"

The three stared at one another, and an eerie silence filled the air.

Deadpool suddenly took an agile step backward, then began circling Chen Tian while thoughtfully stroking his chin with a finger.

"Hey, audience..." He suddenly lowered his voice, sneakily turning to speak to the empty air while covering his mouth with one hand. "Look at this new character. I bet none of you have seen him before." He made an exaggerated shushing gesture. "Keep it down. Don't let them find out I'm talking to you."

2B could no longer stand Deadpool's chatter. "Master, may I eliminate this individual with abnormal brainwaves?"

Deadpool completely ignored 2B and continued whispering to the "fourth wall." "Emmm... I haven't seen this guy before..." He tilted his head, and the white patches over his mask's eyes squished together comically. "Which universe did he come from? A new Marvel character? Or... wait!" He suddenly sucked in a breath. "Don't tell me he's from next door, just dropping by from DC?"

Chen Tian's eye twitched violently, and his right hand was already resting on the Blue Rose at his waist. Deadpool, however, nimbly hopped backward three steps like a startled rabbit and exaggeratedly raised both hands.

"Hey! Calm down, buddy!" Deadpool's voice suddenly turned serious, and the white eye patches on his mask curved into a flattering expression. "I surrender! I give up! I promise I won't say a word for the next five minutes!" As he spoke, he mimed zipping his mouth shut.

2B's mechanical eyes flashed with dangerous red light. "Master, I recommend executing him immediately. According to calculations, there is a 99.9% chance that he will continue babbling within one second."

Deadpool immediately turned toward 2B, clasping his hands together in a pleading gesture. "Don't be like that, miss! Look how cute I am. It'd be such a shame to kill me!"

He suddenly lowered his voice and spoke toward the invisible wall. "Audience, look! This is the legendary tsundere trait!"

Then he put on the coy mannerisms of a tsundere girl from a comic. "I bet she'll say something like, 'W-who wants to care about you?' next..."

"Bang!"

Chen Tian finally snapped. A bullet grazed Deadpool's mask and blasted a charred crater into the wall.

"Whoa!" Deadpool dramatically clutched his chest. "Buddy, are you serious? This suit is a limited edition!"

He suddenly seemed to remember something and turned to the invisible wall. "Oh, right, everyone, remember to buy my merchandise from Marvel's official website! Order now and get a Thanos-style Infinity Gauntlet... uh, wait, is that joke outdated?"

Chen Tian's temples throbbed as blue magic wrapped around the Blue Rose in his hand.

Deadpool immediately took two tactful steps back and once again struck the standard exercise pose of some European country.

"Okay! Okay! I'll shut up!" He mimed sealing his lips, but less than two seconds later, he could not help turning to 2B. "Speaking of which, miss, your skirt... uh, I mean, combat outfit, looks great. Which designer—ow!"

This time, 2B's Virtuous Contract struck the ground directly in front of Deadpool's feet. The flying stones hit his mask with crisp clattering sounds.

Deadpool finally stood obediently in place, though he occasionally winked at the empty air. His mouth moved soundlessly beneath his mask, as though he were having an encrypted conversation with the "audience."

Chen Tian rubbed his temples, feeling as though Deadpool's chatterbox nature was about to churn his brains into paste. "Wade." He took a deep breath, suppressing the urge to draw his gun. "How exactly did you get to this world?"

Deadpool suddenly turned serious, planting his hands on his hips in a standard superhero pose. "Aha! Great question!" He dramatically cleared his throat. "It happened like this—"

"Keep it short." 2B's Virtuous Contract was already slightly unsheathed.

"Okay, okay!" Deadpool spread his hands. "In simple terms: I, the superhero Deadpool, saved that chubby kid named Russell in Deadpool 2, then took the opportunity to swipe that antique Cable's time-travel watch." He made a stealing gesture and even added a little "ding-dong" sound effect.

Chen Tian's eye began twitching again. "And then?"

"And then?" Deadpool sighed and shook his head. "Then I planned to kill the Canadian disgrace who accepted the Green Lantern script—don't get me wrong, I love Ryan, but that role was truly terrible!" He suddenly turned to the invisible wall. "Right, audience? You get it!"

Dangerous red light flashed in 2B's eyes. "Master..."

"Wait! I'm getting to the point!" Deadpool hurriedly waved his hands. "Just when I was about to travel through time, that damned watch suddenly went haywire!" He exaggeratedly imitated the sound of a malfunctioning device. "Beep-beep—bzzz—and then I got thrown into this hellhole!"

Chen Tian thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "So you were originally going to..."

"Kill the guy who was going to play me!" Deadpool excitedly cut in. "Stop him from accepting that damned Green Lantern script!" He suddenly lowered his voice. "Seriously, that movie was practically Ryan's darkest history..."

Chen Tian finally found the key point amid that dense, rapid stream of words. This Deadpool was from the film Deadpool 2, and right after the movie ended, he had stolen Cable's time-travel watch to act out the post-credit scene, only to get transported here because of a temporal rift.

He watched Deadpool mutter to the invisible wall again. "Sorry, audience, you can leave a little later. I'll definitely kill that guy."

Chen Tian sighed and turned to 2B. "2B, have you figured out what time it is here?"

2B nodded, streams of data glimmering in her mechanical eyes. "Master, according to intelligence obtained through my satellite link, it is 1999. Location: Sokovia."

"1999?" Chen Tian frowned slightly. "Have you tried contacting Katyusha?"

2B paused briefly, then shook her head. "Not yet."

"Try it," Chen Tian said.

2B closed her eyes. A moment later, she opened them in surprise. "Connection successful. The Katyusha system confirms that we are still in your previous world. The timeline has merely shifted forward by several years."

Deadpool suddenly leaned closer, the white eye patches on his mask widening dramatically. "Whoa! What encrypted call are you talking about? What Katyusha? Is that the Russian girl who sings, 'Katyusha stands upon the steep bank'?"

Chen Tian slapped his thigh. "Sokovia in 1999?! Isn't that—"

"Isn't that what?" Deadpool grinned as he leaned in, only for 2B's blade to press against his throat. "Uh... miss, blades don't have eyes..."

Ignoring Deadpool's antics, Chen Tian quickly sorted through the timeline in his mind. In October 1999, the Sokovian civil war broke out, and Stark Industries missiles struck the Maximoff family...

"Wait!" Deadpool suddenly broke free from 2B's blade and waved his hands wildly. "October 1999?! That was the day that witch girl from Avengers 2 lost her home and family!" He made an explosion gesture. "Boom! And then they started hating Tony Stank?"

A flicker of surprise passed through 2B's mechanical eyes. "Master, he actually knows this?"

"Because he's an asshole who breaks the fourth wall," Chen Tian said through gritted teeth. Then his expression suddenly cleared as he recalled the time before the Time Stone's energy had sent him into the past.

In Sokovia, the twins' attitude toward him... all right, that explained it.

Chen Tian looked at 2B. "Contact the Red Room. Have them send out the Black Widows to rescue civilians."

Blue light flashed in 2B's eyes. "Master, Melina's encrypted channel has been connected." She paused. "Also, you can summon Vergil and the others."

"Mm, good suggestion." Chen Tian snapped his fingers, and three beams of light flashed through the air.

Vergil appeared first, Yamato in hand. His expression softened slightly when he saw Chen Tian. "Child, have you run into trouble again?" He sheathed his sword. "Have we been sent to 1999?"

Dante emerged from the light with his hands behind his head, swaying with every step. "Yo! Nephew!" He threw an arm around Chen Tian's shoulder. "What big thing are we doing this time?"

Madara appeared last. After his Rinnegan swept across the battlefield, he turned to Chen Tian and gave a slight bow. "My lord, do you need me to destroy this city?" His tone was as calm as if he were asking whether they should have afternoon tea.

Only then did Deadpool snap out of his shock. "Holy dogshit!" He grabbed his head with both hands, the white eye patches on his mask widening to their limits. "Dante and Vergil?! Did they buy the rights to Devil May Cry too?!" He suddenly turned toward Madara, his voice rising several octaves. "Madara Uchiha?! The final boss of Naruto?!"

2B reported calmly, "Master, Melina has dispatched the Aleksev Squad. They are expected to arrive in thirty minutes."

Vergil frowned at Deadpool. "Noisy clown." He turned to Chen Tian. "Child, do you need me to deal with this source of noise?"

Dante laughed and patted Chen Tian on the back. "Ignore that old stick-in-the-mud, nephew." He winked at Deadpool. "Hey, red suit, know anywhere that sells strawberry sundaes? My treat!"

Madara remained bowed, but a dangerous glint flashed in his Rinnegan. "My lord, please allow me to clear away these noises." The skeletal frame of his Susanoo flickered into view.

Like a husky that had discovered a new toy, Deadpool circled the three of them. "Audience! I bet you'd never guess how rich this production team is! This level of crossover puts even my Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe series to shame!"

Chen Tian helplessly pressed a hand to his forehead. "Everyone, calm down..." He looked at the three of them. "Father Vergil, Uncle Dante, Madara... we have serious business this time."

Vergil gave a slight nod. "As you wish, child."

Dante grinned and gave an OK sign. "Your call, nephew!"

Madara slowly rose. "Your will is my mission, my lord."

Watching this, Deadpool suddenly spoke to the invisible wall. "Whoa! This feels like a family melodrama! The stern father, the goofy uncle, and the final boss with loyal dog energy!" He turned toward Chen Tian. "Buddy, your cheat ability is really something, huh?"

A crack finally appeared in Vergil's cold expression. Yamato traced a dim blue arc through the air. "Enough."

In an instant, Deadpool's body froze in midair—three neat cuts suddenly appeared on his mask, then his entire body fell apart like building blocks into six pieces, dropping to the ground with a plop.

"Whoa!" Dante leaned back to avoid the splashing ketchup—don't ask why it was ketchup. "Bro, your temper is way too bad!"

Madara crossed his arms, and a hint of approval flashed in his Rinnegan. "Well done."

Yet Deadpool, now sliced into a sushi platter, was still talking. "Hey! Audience, did you see that? That was the legendary Dimension Slash!" His head rolled halfway around on the ground, and the white eye patches on his mask still blinked vividly. "Though I advise underage viewers not to imitate—"

"Damn!" Dante was so startled that he nearly bit his tongue. "His head fell off and he can still talk?!"

Deadpool's right hand suddenly wriggled toward his torso. "Dante, buddy, lend me a hand? Help me attach my left leg. It'll take me half an hour if I do it myself..." As he spoke, his left hand suddenly grabbed the right leg that had rolled to Madara's feet. "That piece is mine! Don't steal it!"

Vergil was slightly dumbfounded. The normally calm eldest son of Sparda's voice even changed pitch. "This... is illogical..."

"My lord." Madara's Sharingan spun frantically. "I recommend burning him with Amaterasu." Black flames had already gathered at his fingertips.

"No, no, no!" Deadpool's torso wriggled like a caterpillar and hid behind Dante. "This suit is pure cotton! If it burns, I won't have anything to change into!" His head suddenly turned toward 2B. "Miss, did you bring a sewing kit?"

2B's mechanical eyes flickered wildly as system notifications sounded continuously: [Warning! Cognitive conflict] [Logic error] [Visual module restart recommended]

Chen Tian covered his eyes in agony. "I knew this would happen..."

Deadpool's left hand suddenly slapped the ground. "Aha! I remember now!" His right leg cooperatively kicked at the air. "Vergil, buddy, didn't you chop Dante up like this in Devil May Cry 5 too? Back then, he even—"

"Shut up!" Vergil slashed again in fury. This time, Deadpool's pieces became twelve chunks.

"Calm down, bro!" Dante frantically caught Deadpool's flying nose—yes, his nose. "Can this thing even be put back on?!"

Madara's Susanoo had already unfolded its upper body, its blue greatsword aimed at the squirming chunks of flesh scattered across the ground. "My lord, please allow me—"

"No!" Chen Tian stepped in front of him in a flash. "Your Perfect Susanoo will blow this whole place away!"

A fragment of Deadpool's mouth was still talking. "Actually, I think Madara's suggestion is pretty good..." His eyeball rolled to Vergil's feet. "Anyway, I can't die. Why not let the audience see Perfect Susanoo versus Yamato? The ratings would definitely expl—"

"Bang!"

Chen Tian finally pulled out his gun and blew apart that endlessly chattering eyeball.

The world was quiet for three seconds. Three seconds later, a fragment of Deadpool's ear suddenly spoke. "Hey! That was my favorite right eye!" His left hand was pulling out a needle and thread from his own pouch to stitch his right hand back together. "Later I'm going to use a marker to draw a one-eyed look on my mask..."

Dante silently sheathed Rebellion on his back, then pulled out noise-canceling headphones from a fourth-dimensional pocket and put them on.

Vergil directly used Absolute Dimension Slash to teleport himself to the rooftop of a building in Sokovia.

Madara slowly closed his Rinnegan and took a deep breath. "My lord, I request to return to the summoning space."

2B suddenly raised Virtuous Contract. "Master, I have detected an approaching combat unit." Blue light of near-relief flickered in her eyes. "I recommend engaging in battle immediately."

Deadpool's torso suddenly sprang upright like a spring. "You should've said so earlier!" His right hand slapped his head back on backward, leaving the back of his mask facing forward. "Let me restore my image with some badass combat scenes—wait, my intestines are leaking out!"

Chen Tian looked at Deadpool's scattered pieces crawling across the ground, then at the combined infantry and armored force appearing in the distance. He suddenly smiled with relief. "2B, get me a pair of noise-canceling headphones too."

[Meanwhile, on a rooftop in Sokovia]

Vergil sat atop a water tank with Yamato in his arms and sent Dante a text message. "Tell that child I won't be returning for now."

His phone quickly lit up with a reply:

"Bro, did you chicken out? (◐‿◑)"

"Fuck off. Also, throw that red contaminant into a volcano."

"Can't. Nephew says he's an important plot character (ᗒᗩᗕ)"

Vergil silently turned off his phone. As he watched the Sokovian sunset, he considered something for the first time: compared to that strange guy, Dante's chatter was actually kind of cute?

Deadpool finally pieced himself back into human form. "Audience! The paid content starts now!" He struck a classic combat pose. "Watch me use the Hemorrhoid Gun to blow Hydra to—ow! My stitches came undone!"

As Chen Tian pulled the trigger of Blue Rose, he suddenly felt that things like destroying the world did not matter at all.