The Director and His Ice Sculpture Collection

Three drab humanoid sculptures stood at the entrance to Malibu Villa, facing the sea in different poses like abstract works by some modern artist. Sunlight fell across their surfaces without producing the slightest glint.

Tony circled them twice, stroking his chin as he commented, "Honestly, the aesthetics are pretty awful. JARVIS, make a note. Next time, suggest he at least pose them more artistically."

"Suggestion recorded, sir. However, I am not certain Mr. Xiao would care about aesthetics," JARVIS replied gently.

An all-black SUV silently pulled up at the entrance, its tires making no sound against the road. The door opened, and Nick Fury stepped out with his single eye wide, his black trench coat whipping in the sea breeze. He stared at the three sculptures, and the corner of his mouth twitched.

"Stark, what kind of performance art are you pulling?" Fury's voice sounded as though it had been scraped by sandpaper.

Tony spread his hands theatrically. "Hey, don't blame me. Your people struck first—or rather, their heavy weapons did. My tenant just helped make some... yard decorations."

Fury walked up to one of the sculptures. After examining it closely, his expression turned even uglier. "This is Rumlow? Crossbones? One of my best field commanders?"

"Oh, so this lump has a name?" Tony feigned surprise. "So this is your elite unit? Carrying illegal weapons and pretending to be office workers to trick their way in? S.H.I.E.L.D.'s training courses are getting more creative by the day."

Fury's single eye fixed on Tony. "What did they say?"

"They said you sent them to collect the data, and they used that word—Paperclip." Tony shrugged. "Too bad their acting was terrible. My guy saw through them at a glance. By the way, do all your people's hearts beat that fast? They sounded like drums."

Fury drew a deep breath, seemingly suppressing his rage. "Where is the data?"

Tony pointed inside. "In a super-secure lead box, inside a safe that even a nuclear bomb couldn't crack. Oh, and Mr. Crossbones there tried to use high-frequency signals to breach my firewall. Adorable."

At that moment, Xiao Han strolled out of the house with half a tub of ice cream in hand, lazily leaning against the doorframe.

"Oh, the One-Eyed Dragon's here? Here to collect the trash?" He scooped up some ice cream and put it into his mouth, his gaze sweeping over the three sculptures. "Next time, send professionals. These three couldn't even lie properly. Boring as hell."

Fury's eye turned toward Xiao Han, his expression complicated. "Do you know who they are?"

"Hydra." Xiao Han spoke casually. "I saw them on TV. A bunch of particularly ambitious terrorists who like shouting slogans and doing weird salutes." He clumsily imitated a raised-arm salute and nearly flung away his spoon.

Tony's shoulders shook as he held back his laughter. Fury's face darkened further. "This is no time for jokes. If they found this place, it means our security system is riddled with holes."

Xiao Han licked his spoon. "So? Do you want me to praise their dedication? They came all this way just to deliver themselves." He walked over to one sculpture and tapped it with his spoon, producing a dull thump. "Look. Frozen solid. Perfect for road markers."

Fury seemed to make up his mind. "Stark, the data can't stay here. It's too dangerous."

Tony immediately objected. "Hey, it's safest here, okay? I've got the most advanced security system in the world, plus—" He pointed at Xiao Han, who was studying the ice sculptures. "—the ultimate safeguard."

"It's precisely that 'ultimate safeguard' that worries me." Fury lowered his voice. "If one day he decides the thing is in his way, or he's simply in a bad mood, who knows what might happen?"

Xiao Han turned around and raised an eyebrow. "One-Eyed Dragon, I can hear you. Besides, I'm not interested in your make-believe data. Just don't send another bunch of fast-hearted liars to disturb my sunbathing."

Fury restrained himself for a moment before finally saying, "We need to make a plan. Hydra has been driven into a corner, which means they're about to reveal all their cards. We must—"

Before he could finish, Xiao Han suddenly raised a hand to interrupt him. "Wait, I have a more important question." He looked at Fury with a solemn expression. "What brand of ice cream does the S.H.I.E.L.D. cafeteria serve? The stuff Tony bought is too bland."

Tony nearly choked. "That's a limited Nordic edition! One cup costs forty dollars!"

Xiao Han curled his lip. "Terrible value for money. Buy supermarket store-brand next time. Bigger portions, more sugar."

Fury's single eye moved back and forth between the two of them, as though he were confirming whether he had wandered onto the wrong set. "We're discussing a global security crisis, and you're discussing ice cream?"

Xiao Han shrugged. "Food comes first, One-Eyed Dragon. If you can't even eat properly, what world are you saving?"

He finished the last bite of ice cream and accurately tossed the empty tub into a trash can ten meters away. "All right, keep talking about conspiracies. I'm going to enjoy the afternoon sun."

With that, he really did turn to head back inside, but suddenly stopped and looked back at Fury. "Oh, right. Take those three road markers with you. They're hurting property values."

Fury watched Xiao Han disappear through the door, then stared at Tony with his single eye wide. "Is he always like this?"

Tony smiled with undisguised delight. "He's only especially lively today. I guess your subordinates gave him a little entertainment."

Fury rubbed his brow. "I have to take the data, Stark. That's an order."

Tony's expression grew serious. "Listen, Fury, I know what you're worried about."

"But honestly, where's safer than here? S.H.I.E.L.D.? Please. That place is practically Hydra headquarters now. Or are you planning to hug that hot potato and hide around the world?"

Fury fell silent for a moment. "We have safe houses..."

"Better security than my home?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Do they have a superpowered tenant who can freeze special forces solid with one hand?"

Fury looked as though he wanted to argue further, but eventually sighed. "At least strengthen the defenses. I'll send a team I trust to guard the perimeter."

Tony nodded. "That works. But give us a heads-up first. Don't send another bunch with heart rates of 120. My guy has very strict standards for pulse rates."

Fury walked toward the three sculptures and called his men over to carry them away. "I'll find out how they discovered this place. Until then, stay on maximum alert."

As Tony watched the Hydra agents get carried into the vehicle like furniture, he suddenly remembered something. "Hey, Fury, serious question—what brand of ice cream does your cafeteria use?"

Fury got into the car without looking back and slammed the door shut.

Tony shrugged and went back inside, only to find Xiao Han already lying motionless on a cushion, facing the sunlight.

"I thought you really went to sunbathe," Tony said.

Xiao Han did not even open his eyes. "That One-Eyed Dragon talks too much, so I found an excuse to slip away." He paused. "Buy chocolate next time. The kind with crunchy bits."

Tony could not help laughing. "Deal. But in return, next time Hydra comes looking for trouble, could you not freeze them at the front door? The property management complaints are almost piling up into a mountain."

Xiao Han lazily rolled over. "Then throw them farther away? The Pacific Ocean is big enough."

Tony considered it. "Actually, there's an abandoned mine pit in the hills behind us..."

The two exchanged a glance and came to an understanding.

JARVIS's gentle voice sounded. "Gentlemen, I need to remind you that illegally disposing of human bodies, even terrorist bodies, violates international law."

Xiao Han yawned. "Then say they walked there themselves."

Tony nodded. "Right. Say Hydra likes group hiking trips."

JARVIS fell silent for a moment. "Noted. Would you like me to fabricate a detailed hiking route for this excuse?"

Xiao Han waved a hand. "Use your judgment." He closed his eyes, his voice gradually fading. "Buy a big tub next time..."

Tony looked at Xiao Han, who seemed to have already fallen asleep, and shook his head with a smile. He softly said to JARVIS, "Find out who supplies ice cream to the S.H.I.E.L.D. cafeteria. Buy out their chocolate crunch flavor for next quarter."

"Order placed, sir. Also, Director Fury sent a message. He said he forgot to mention something."

"What?"

"He said... if you call him One-Eyed Dragon again, he'll transfer all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s clerical work to Stark Tower."

Tony froze for a second, then looked at Xiao Han, who was pretending to sleep. "Hey, did you hear that?"

Only steady breathing answered him.

Tony sighed and muttered to himself, "Well, One-Eyed Dragon is a pretty fitting nickname."

The corner of the mouth on the cushion lifted by a single pixel.