Physical Diplomacy

The California sunshine was perfect, and the sea glittered with rippling light. Tony Stark had just finished calibrating the right arm armor of Mark 43 when a string of alerts popped up on the holographic display.

"Again?" Tony asked without looking up. "Is it a malfunctioning Bifrost on Asgard this time, or a runaway portal at Kamar-Taj?"

JARVIS replied calmly, "Three unidentified spacecraft have appeared in low Earth orbit. Their energy signatures match Kree Empire technology. One of them is rapidly entering the atmosphere."

Xiao Han lounged in a beach chair and lazily adjusted his sunglasses. "Tell them this isn't an interstellar parking lot."

Just then, a streak of silver tore across the sky with a piercing howl. A sleek metal craft burst through the clouds, abruptly slowed over the ocean, and hovered lightly a hundred meters offshore.

Its surface shimmered with deep-blue energy patterns. It was clearly not Earth technology.

Tony was already suited up, his faceplate open. "All right, these look like actual alien visitors. Want me to go say hello?"

"Do whatever you want." Xiao Han yawned. "Just don't let them step on my beach towel."

The craft's hatch slid open, and a blue-skinned humanoid in a silver uniform appeared in the doorway. He said something in a metallic-sounding language while the device in his hand beeped repeatedly.

"Analyzing language..." JARVIS reported. "It appears to be a Kree Empire dialect. Translation in progress."

Suddenly, the Kree raised his weapon and fired an energy beam straight at Xiao Han on the beach. Several meters from its target, the beam abruptly veered away and struck a nearby beach umbrella, vaporizing it.

Tony immediately lowered his faceplate. "All right, looks like they're the unfriendly kind."

Xiao Han slowly sat up and removed his sunglasses. "Do you know how much that umbrella cost? Tony just bought it."

The Kree had clearly not understood, but he fired again. This time, the deflected beam struck a reef, sending shattered stone flying everywhere.

Xiao Han sighed and suddenly vanished from the beach chair. The next second, he appeared beside the craft, one hand gripping the edge of the hatch. Metal shrieked and twisted beneath his fingers as he forcibly dragged the entire craft more than ten degrees sideways.

The Kree panicked and tried to retreat into the cabin, but Xiao Han had already flipped inside. Several muffled impacts and the sound of tearing metal came from within. Then the Kree was hurled out of the hatch and splashed into the sea.

Tony hovered in midair, staring in disbelief. "You just... broke into someone else's spaceship?"

Xiao Han poked his head out through the hatch. "They attacked first." He held a smoking control panel in his hand. "This thing kept beeping. Annoying."

At that moment, the other two Kree warships in the sky began descending, their weapon systems humming as they charged.

"Looks like they're not very happy," Tony warned. "Need me to call for backup?"

"No need." Xiao Han jumped out of the craft and landed on the water, splashing up a sheet of spray. He bent down, picked up a pebble, and weighed it in his hand.

The cannon barrel of the foremost Kree warship began to glow, clearly preparing to fire. Xiao Han sharply swung his arm, and the pebble tore through the air at astonishing speed, punching straight through the ship's engine section. The warship immediately lost balance and plummeted toward the sea trailing black smoke.

The second warship instantly turned, attempting to flee. Xiao Han bent his knees slightly, then kicked off with explosive force, shooting into the sky like a cannonball. The seawater beneath his feet erupted into a massive wave.

Tony tracked Xiao Han's trajectory through his armor's sensors. "JARVIS, calculate that initial velocity..."

"Over Mach 20, sir," JARVIS said, his tone seeming to carry a trace of amazement.

Xiao Han caught up with the accelerating Kree warship and plunged both hands directly into its outer armor. The metal tore like paper in his hands as he ripped the ship's thrusters right off its hull.

The powerless warship began to fall. Xiao Han rode it all the way down, finally smashing it into the shallows with a thunderous crash that sent waves dozens of meters high into the air.

When the waves settled, Xiao Han stood atop the wreckage of the warship half-buried in the sand, holding a blinking communicator. He crushed it between his fingers, and the fragments fell through the gaps.

Tony landed beside him, his faceplate open and his expression complicated. "Do you know how much S.H.I.E.L.D. would pay for an intact alien warship? Repair costs are coming out of your rent."

Xiao Han jumped down from the wreckage and walked toward the Kree floundering in the water.

The Kree tried to swim away, but Xiao Han caught up in just a few steps, grabbed him by the collar, and dragged him back to shore.

"Now," Xiao Han said, tossing the dripping Kree onto the sand, "let's discuss compensation."

The Kree stared at him in terror, spitting out a string of incomprehensible syllables.

Tony walked over. "JARVIS, translate."

"The rough meaning is: 'Unbelievable power,' 'The Empire must be warned,' and 'This planet is too dangerous.'"

Xiao Han crouched down and stared at the Kree. "Why did you come to Earth?"

After a halting exchange, they finally figured it out: these Kree had tracked a Skrull refugee to Earth and believed the humans were sheltering their enemies.

"So," Tony summarized, "you just opened fire without saying a word?"

The Kree gestured agitatedly. JARVIS translated, "He says that is standard procedure."

Xiao Han punched the warship wreckage beside him, making the metal groan in agony. "This is my standard procedure."

At that moment, a S.H.I.E.L.D. Quinjet appeared in the sky. Fury's voice came through Tony's communicator. "Stark, report. We detected an energy surge."

Tony looked at the mess on the beach: an alien warship half-buried in the sand, a soaking-wet blue alien, and Xiao Han checking whether his beach towel had gotten seawater on it.

"Uh," Tony said, "the situation is basically under control. But you might want to send a cleanup crew."

Xiao Han suddenly looked up toward the distant sea. "More guests."

A battered small spacecraft was struggling to rise from the water. Its hatch opened, and several green-skinned humanoids cautiously emerged. They held both hands up in an obvious gesture of surrender.

"Skrull." Tony warily raised his palm as his repulsor began charging.

The lead Skrull said in stiff English, "We seek asylum! The Kree are hunting us!"

The captured Kree tried to rush toward them in agitation, but Xiao Han pinned him in place.

"What a lively day." Fury's voice came from the Quinjet. He had already landed on the beach, his one eye sweeping across the scene. "Interstellar refugees and their pursuers are throwing a party on my beach."

Xiao Han pointed at the Skrulls' spacecraft. "That thing is leaking oil."

Sure enough, a silver slick was spreading out beneath the Skrull ship.

Tony pressed a hand to his forehead. "I knew this month's cleanup costs would go over budget."

After another chaotic round of communication, they finally got the full story: these Skrulls were fugitive scientists fleeing Kree Empire persecution with their families, and they had accidentally wandered onto Earth.

Fury rubbed his temples. "So now we have two choices: hand them all over to the Kree Empire, or shelter them and risk going to war with the entire Kree Empire."

Xiao Han was trying to pull the Kree warship wreckage out of the sand. "This hunk of metal is blocking the sunlight."

Suddenly, the sky darkened again. A Kree mothership three times larger than the previous vessels broke through the clouds, its shadow engulfing the entire beach.

A hologram projected down from the mothership, revealing a Kree commander in an ornate military uniform. "Earthlings," his amplified voice echoed across the beach, "surrender the Skrull traitors and the soldiers you have detained, or we will regard this as an act of war."

Fury had just opened his mouth when Xiao Han moved. He launched himself at the mothership like a cannonball, smashing a huge dent into its hull. Then he began tearing apart the mothership's outer armor with his bare hands. Massive metal plates fell from the sky and crashed into the sea.

The mothership's energy shields flickered a few times before going out. Its weapon systems were dismantled before they even had time to aim. Five minutes later, the entire mothership had become a heap of scrap floating on the ocean, while Xiao Han stood atop the largest piece of wreckage holding the stunned Kree commander in one hand.

When Xiao Han jumped back onto the beach and threw the Kree commander beside the earlier soldier, the entire shore fell silent.

"Now," Xiao Han told the two Kree, "let's discuss compensation and the basic etiquette of interstellar diplomacy."

Fury silently hung up the World Security Council hotline he had already connected and sighed. "I think this issue has been... resolved."

Tony looked over the devastated beach and the warship wreckage floating across the sea. "Yeah, resolved. But my homeowners insurance is probably going up."

Xiao Han finally cleared the largest piece of wreckage off the beach and returned to his beach chair with satisfaction. "Next time, remember to hand over a business card before visiting."

The two Kree nodded frantically, clearly having gained a profound understanding of this planet's diplomatic etiquette.