O young Dazai, did you drop...

Now that I could explain everything that had happened, I chose to reject the possibility of being discovered by Teacher Yaga and successfully subjected to Yaga's Iron Fist. So I made a "very cheerful" getaway, putting everything back the way it had been.

"Right! It's decided. I'll be good and wait for them to come back today."

With that thought, I decided, for the first time, to explore this genuinely beautiful campus.

Once, this was something I wouldn't even have dared imagine. After all, I had been an ordinary person attending the most ordinary public school, living in a six- or eight-person dorm room that didn't even have air conditioning.

So this wasn't the first time I had envied Jujutsu High's excellent facilities.

But aside from newly enrolled students, probably no one had the chance to think about things like that.

Jujutsu sorcerers earned a lot. The pay from a single assignment was enough to match an ordinary person's monthly salary. The higher a sorcerer's grade and the stronger the cursed spirit they exorcised, the more money they received.

That was why very few jujutsu sorcerers cared about money.

After all, they lived on a knife's edge. Across the whole of Jujutsu Society, fewer than thirty percent died of old age. If this job paid worse than an ordinary one, who would willingly become a jujutsu sorcerer?

I let my thoughts wander as I looked around the campus, determined to find differences between this place and what I had seen in the anime and manga.

Unfortunately, aside from a few unexplored areas, I couldn't find a single continuity error.

"Ah, I'm so bored. So bored. Seriously, so bored."

After walking all over campus, I discovered that there wasn't anything interesting happening at school either.

Since I had no classes, I sprinted back to my room and rolled around on the soft bed, muttering to myself.

For some reason, I hadn't received a single assignment notification all day. Given how crazily the Jujutsu Society Higher-Ups exploited me, that was practically a joke.

After all, Nullification was incredibly useful and made exorcising cursed spirits very easy. With Yuki Tsukumo staying out of things, over ninety percent of the special grade cursed spirits and other high-risk cases ended up with me.

That cemented the fact that I was almost as busy as Boss Dazai.

If I had to name a difference, though, I could only say that Boss Dazai probably wasn't as good at hand-to-hand combat as I was.

Running around every day took stamina, after all. Over time, I had actually improved my physical fitness. I could probably even beat Armed Detective Agency Dazai by a tiny bit, right?

With nothing to do, I finally couldn't stand this boring existence of rolling around anymore, so I quietly fished out my phone.

I tried to find something interesting on it. Come to think of it, I had spent all my time browsing various dark web sites and gathering intelligence. I had never looked into whether this world had any decent games.

I might as well use this rare bit of free time to have a look.

I considered it briefly, then decided that finding a game was a viable plan.

Then I discovered something truly tragic. This world's technology simply wasn't that advanced-or rather, it hadn't reached that stage yet. So the chances of finding mobile games were basically zero, unless I wanted to try something like Tetris or Snake.

Me: ...

Me: ???

And so I successfully turned into a mackerel that had given up on life again, hugging my phone and rolling around on my bed. Along the way, I accidentally loosened the bandages covering my eye.

That reminded me of something. People online used to joke about whether the part of Osamu Dazai hidden beneath his bandages was paler than the uncovered parts.

Ever since I had cosplayed Osamu Dazai, I had been so busy throughout this past month that I hadn't even considered that question.

Since I was Osamu Dazai now, I might as well investigate the answer myself.

With that thought, I casually picked up the bandages lying on the bed and sneaked into my room's bathroom.

Then a Dazai Cat's scream pierced the heavens.

"Aaaah!"

Yes, the part of the Dazai Cat that had been covered really was paler than everywhere else. Maybe it wasn't so noticeable at night, but in daylight, you could still see a slight difference.

For instance, the area beneath my bandages looked more sickly and pallid than the rest.

Because it had gone so long without seeing the light, my other eye was also terribly sensitive to sunlight.

At that moment, the light was making my eye water involuntarily. Having tears stream from only one eye really did look strange.

I felt a little grateful that I wasn't Dark Era Dazai. After all, I couldn't be sure whether his covered cheek would be paler too, just like the skin around the eye I had unwrapped. I would genuinely break down if I looked like that.

After causing this disaster, I really wasn't in the mood to think about any other deeply unpleasant things. What I was dealing with already made me miserable enough.

I stumbled out of the bathroom in a daze, buried myself in bed, and rolled around helplessly.

I paid absolutely no attention to my dignity. My already messy hair became even more unruly as I rolled around, and I looked utterly ready to die.

"Aaaaaah, aaaaaaaaah-"

Why on earth was this happening? Didn't things like this never happen in anime? Just like how they never went bald...

Hmm... They did go bald, actually. Like a certain Mori, a certain former boss, and a certain lolicon. They all went bald.

Thinking of it that way made me feel a little better. No, wait! Aaaaaah, I didn't want to compare myself to Mori!

To stop myself from thinking about it, I glanced at the bandages scattered nearby and quietly went over to the box of bandages I had bought in advance.

Sure, the skin tones didn't match anymore, but the bandages were my true body. Without them, how was I any different from being stripped naked?!

So I cheerfully scooped up a pile of bandages and happily nestled into them. Only bandages and Crabmeat Cans could give me any sense of security in this world.

When had I bought the bandages? Hey, hey, how could Osamu Dazai possibly not buy bandages? Even without assignments, I still needed them!

I would never entertain the idea of washing my bandages and reusing them. Frugality was simply impossible for me.

With my mental state in shambles, I decided to splurge today. I happily wrapped myself into a mummy, even covering my ankles. Only after using up loads and loads of rolls did I recover a little joy.

But when I saw that my remaining stock of bandages had been cut in half, I thought for a moment, put on my black coat, and sneaked out of school to buy a few more and stockpile them in my room.

However, just as I entered a large supermarket, ready to return to school with an armful of bandages, I spotted two classmates shopping there too.

What they were buying seemed to be... prank supplies?

Hooray! I didn't mind pranking them, of course, but having them buy their own prank supplies seemed pretty good too.

Whatever miserable outcome awaited, it wouldn't happen to me-

Despite thinking that, I quietly followed them. My jujutsu nullification was rather unusual, so as far as their senses were concerned, I basically didn't exist.

With a little ordinary disguise, I "accidentally" bumped into them and apologized, successfully leaving a... whole pile of listening devices on them.

Don't doubt me. I really hadn't meant to plant listening devices, but I simply couldn't stop my hands. I didn't want to do something so creepy either, but I accidentally touched them, and a whole bunch of bugs ended up stuck to them.

Come to think of it, I seemed to have planted bugs on Teacher Yaga, Toji Zenin, and among the Jujutsu Society Higher-Ups too.

But Teacher Yaga's bug had been destroyed during an assignment, and Toji Zenin had crushed his the first time I put it on him. Only the dozens planted among the Jujutsu Society Higher-Ups were still working.

Occasionally, they would discover one and launch a massive search. After searching and finding only a few remaining bugs, they would summon me again and end up with twice as many.

Still, I had never figured out why Osamu Dazai's hands had to plant so many listening devices. Seriously, could he actually listen to them all?

It was very easy to ponder that question when I was holding dozens of earpieces at once, completely at a loss.

Fortunately, those two were still students, not seasoned veterans like Toji Zenin, so it didn't matter which earpiece I wore.

With that thought, I carried a large bag of bandages in one hand and prepared to take a taxi back to campus. I listened to them discuss what they would do after shopping, and happened to hear about a cursed spirit they were about to deal with.

It was a very ordinary cursed spirit, probably only grade 1. They could definitely handle it. Thinking that, I hailed a taxi without hesitation.

I had to admit, taxis in Japan really were expensive. Fortunately, I wasn't short on that sort of money. If possible, I would have preferred to buy a car so I could happily tear around in it.

But since this was a society governed by law, no one would sell me one. Unless I stole a car like last time, that was out.

Pondering that, I hugged my mountain of bandages and chatted with the driver while glaring sulkily at his steering wheel, practically radiating resentment.

So yes, having had my license revoked right after obtaining it, I remained very quiet...

Which also indirectly proved that my reckless driving skills were actually on par with Osamu Dazai's... Hmm.

Fine, I admitted that driving up walls and over rooftops was a little excessive. Although I hadn't hit anyone or committed any crimes of that sort, I had still nearly ended up at the station. A police officer lectured me for ages, and in the end, I wrote a pledge.

Pure agony.

But just as I was wondering how to carry this mountain of stuff into Jujutsu High, I suddenly received a call from certain bastards among the higher-ups.

I sighed deeply, quietly removed the earpiece still hanging from one ear, and swiped to answer the call.

And was immediately rewarded with a roar.

"Osamu Dazai, you still dare claim you haven't done anything!"

His voice was so loud that I felt I was about to go deaf.

Me: Huh? What had I done? I was utterly bewildered.

But seeing the driver looking just as bewildered, I decisively pulled a thick stack of ten-thousand-yen notes from my wallet and shoved them all into his hands. Grabbing the bag of bandages, I answered as I headed into Jujutsu High.

Knowing too much wasn't good for the driver. If he learned certain things and went around spreading them, I had no doubt that Jujutsu Society's higher-ups might kill him outright.

Sometimes, being too nosy really wasn't a good thing.

"You still claim you didn't kill those two grade 1 jujutsu sorcerers? As punishment, you will be impris-"

The person on the other end rushed to deliver his verdict. Me: ...

"Hold on. How did you decide I killed them?"

The gun had been perfectly ordinary, and the method of killing was completely normal. Besides, one of them had been killed by the Sorcerer Killer. Even if they could determine that he had an accomplice, it absolutely wouldn't be me.

What's more, there was neither evidence nor a trace. As I had said, those two were practically bloated beyond recognition. Was it my fault they had gotten killed while following me?

First, I had to admit I had gun calluses on my hands, but I hadn't taken that road. I had taken another route, and there were surveillance cameras along the way to prove it.

I had lingered outside a certain urban area for ages. Given my below-average hand-to-hand abilities, there was no way I could have taken such a long detour.

"Jujutsu Society has cursed techniques akin to memory playback. Don't think you can escape justice just because you left no traces! The recording clearly shows you throwing them into the sea."

"? What exactly are you talking about? My cursed technique is Nullification, you know! Someone is clearly framing me!"

"...You."

"If I really had killed them, all you'd see would be something bizarre, like two people inexplicably floating up out at sea. My Nullification completely blocks any detection involving cursed techniques, you know."

Of course, that wasn't a function of No Longer Human, but of the Book. There was absolutely no need to tell them that, though.

"..."

"Ooh, I get it! You covet my cursed technique, so you're willing to do anything to get your hands on me! How awful! Framing someone like this, boo-hoo-hoo!"

"..."

I was having tremendous fun putting on this act, but the person on the other end probably wasn't enjoying himself.

It wasn't just my theatrical behavior. My habit of openly, bluntly exposing every thought and filthy scheme in his heart also infuriated him.

So just as he became angry enough to hang up, I beat him to it.

There. Now I felt cheerful all over.

Grinning, I hugged my pile of bandages and strolled toward the dorms, putting the earpiece I had removed back on.

But this time, it seemed to have been blocked. Not a sound came through.

I fell silent, then quietly took out every earpiece and tried them one by one. I discovered that almost all the bugs had been destroyed and couldn't transmit any sound-or perhaps they had been removed or blocked?

With trembling hands, I called them. Unlike last time, someone answered.

"Dazai, hel-"

Me: Huh? For a moment, I couldn't tell whether their lives were genuinely in danger or this was part of the farce they had prepared for me.

Either way, I should go have a look.

"Where?"

"Ha-ha! Scared you, didn't we?!"

"..."

"Aaah, sorry, Dazai! Don't be mad. We're at Lupin. Come drink with us! I've prepared loads and loads of surprises for you!"

The voice on the other end held a hint of laughter. I could more or less tell why they were laughing. They were probably excited that they had finally managed to prank me.

Although I didn't object to using a trick like that on a certain Little Dark Midget, I had reservations about being played myself.

"Okay-"

I drew out the last syllable, found a younger student nearby, and handed him my mountain of bandages, begging him to take them back to my room. Meanwhile, I planned to give those two a very special surprise.

Hmm...

I had tried coating the little slug in flour before. Today, I would splurge, prepare loads of flour, and coat both of them. Once they were covered, I could deep-fry them together.

Excited by the thought, I called another taxi, then discovered it was the one that had just left Jujutsu High, summoned back by me.

Fine. If we were talking about the closest car, naturally the one that had only just left before being called back was closest.

"Lupin, please. Sorry for the trouble-"

Drawing out the last syllable, I hauled all the flour I had just bought from the supermarket into the car and sat down again under the driver's admiring gaze.

I could more or less tell what he was thinking. Most people wore their thoughts on their faces, after all, and the man in front of me was no exception.

Things like how someone so young and frail could easily lift two bags of flour.

The evening light wasn't harsh. With night approaching, even the breeze felt refreshing. I sprawled shamelessly across the back seat, unable to decide how I should enter this bar.

Lupin held a more special significance for me-or rather, an exceptionally special significance.

So as we neared our destination, I eagerly straightened my clothes and took both bags of flour in hand. After happily paying, I piled the flour by the entrance and stepped into the bar, where I smelled a heavy stench of blood.

Once was fine, twice was pushing it. Could we not do this same prank a third time?

I sighed, wondering where they had staged their little display, and walked through the door. Seeing the two figures slumped against the counter, along with the dead and grievously wounded bartender and ordinary customers, still left me somewhat shocked.

As time passed, blood slowly crept toward my feet. Dripping sounds filled the bar, and the stench of blood hung throughout it, filling my nostrils.

Sōsuke Mizukawa's own weapon had pierced straight through his heart. Impaled on that naginata, he hung half-kneeling against a tall barstool, one hand tightly gripping its edge.

Nozomu Sakai's limbs seemed to have been broken, and his head was nowhere to be found. His body lay back across a barstool at an unnatural angle, yet all four limbs dangled as though he were lying facedown.

Both the bartender and the ordinary customers had died horrifically. Some had shards from shattered drinking glasses driven straight into their temples, their brains spilling across the floor.

At that moment, this was truly a river of blood, yet my body showed not the slightest unusual reaction.

"This is the surprise you mentioned?"

"Were you planning to atone with your deaths?"

I opened my mouth and forced those words from my throat, then quietly continued forward. My two classmates were a truly unbearable sight.

The blood was almost dry. Oxidation gave it a heavy, rusty smell. In an instant, the entire bar seemed shrouded in blood red. Everywhere I looked was scarlet.

The bodies had been arranged in irregular poses, and there happened to be traces of a cursed spirit here. Unfortunately, that cursed spirit's appearance had been engineered by someone.

An imaginary special grade cursed spirit. Killed by a cursed spirit someone had personally fabricated. What an interesting way to die.

Yet I was so calm now that I didn't feel even the slightest desire to avenge them, despite those two being my classmates.

I simply felt that the world was bizarrely absurd, as absurd as my arrival here.

Daylight was too bright. I always wanted to walk beneath an umbrella, avoiding everything that happened and everything I encountered. I wanted to be a coward, curled tightly inside a turtle shell, paying no attention to what happened outside or to the people who treated me sincerely.

Later, I felt that the night was too dark, so I secretly picked up a candle and burned it when no one was around, creating a little light for myself.

I thought I had been wrong. I shouldn't have seen those two as Oda Sakunosuke and Ango. It wasn't fair to them. Perhaps even now, they didn't know they were merely plain, ordinary substitutes.

They were a little immature, people who should never have walked the same path as me. But sometimes, people got a little lonely.

So I had always used them as a vessel for my feelings toward other people.

Young children always had unrealistic ideas and a world divided sharply into black and white. I didn't mind indulging that a little. That was why I had never minded them getting angry with me. Never.

I had simply, naturally treated Nozomu Sakai as Oda Sakunosuke and Sōsuke Mizukawa as Ango. Even though they had never resembled them, I hypnotized myself, telling myself to chalk it up to differences between worlds. That was all.

I was actually a little afraid. For instance, now that I had lost all hope and purpose, how was I supposed to keep trying to live?

I was always saying that I wasn't Osamu Dazai, always saying that I didn't want to become him, but how could I possibly fight the assimilation?

At some point, without even realizing it, I had become someone who wasn't like me. Perhaps I wasn't all that much like Osamu Dazai, either.

I admitted that, at the very beginning, I really had considered spending the rest of my life lost in this dream-a dream that was nothing but an illusion.

Teacher Yaga was the President, Sakai was Oda Sakunosuke, Mizukawa was Ango. Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Shoko Ieiri, even Yuji Itadori could all resemble someone else.

Even though I knew they didn't, that they had always been individuals in their own right and never needed to resemble anyone else, I still harbored a small, faint longing in that direction. I wanted them to resemble certain people. That way, perhaps my life would be complete.

I was being so unreasonable, so selfish. Deciding on my own to treat other people as someone's substitutes was utterly pathetic.

I understood, just a little, why the Book had said those things. I also had to admit that I no longer had the ideas or the mindset I'd had when I first came to this world.

Back then, I could still say with complete nonchalance that I would only ever be myself, and that my life would only ever be my own.

Now, instead, I felt as though the whole world had become a little ridiculous. Yet the most ridiculous thing of all was me.

In a strange, utterly illogical way, my world had been shattered outright, this thoroughly illusory dream severed in one stroke.

Really...

A dream was only ever a dream, and a fantasy was only ever a fantasy. They weren't those people, and they never would be. If I couldn't wake up, I would remain lost forever.

If this window hadn't been forcibly smashed, I probably would have immersed myself completely in this role-play, as though I'd gone mad.

Until, in the end, I was no longer the person I had once been.

I didn't know whether I should feel grateful or do something else. After all, this way of waking someone up was far too drastic, almost more than I could bear.

What was I even thinking... I was cosplaying Boss Dazai. How could there possibly be anyone left standing beside Boss Dazai?

He was simply someone who had endured everything alone, then chosen to jump off a building. It was all right. After all, he had always had it worse than me. At least I hadn't had my best friend from another world point a gun at me and say something so devastating.

"Don't call me Oda Sakunosuke. I don't want my enemy calling me that."

If someone said those words to me, I'd probably shatter on the spot. I would, wouldn't I...

I clutched a shard from the broken drinking glass and stared at the image of Oda Sakunosuke standing before me, pointing a handgun at me, trying to let the sharp pain wake me up.

"Oda Sakunosuke..."

Even knowing that the person before me was merely an image independently projected by this unusual imaginary grade cursed spirit, I still didn't dare reach out and touch him, even lightly.

"Don't call me Oda Sakunosuke. I don't want my enemy calling me that."

"If you want to shoot, could you do it somewhere other than this bar? Oda Sakunosuke... Mr. Oda."

I tightened my grip on my two classmates' sleeves, placed them both in the same spot, and looked at Odasaku with a trace of hope, wearing a smile uglier than tears.

Then he fired. Since it was a cursed spirit's attack, the bullet dissipated as soon as it struck me.

I kept drilling it into my own head: he wasn't Odasaku. He was only a cursed spirit. He was only a cursed spirit.

But in the end, facing Oda Sakunosuke as he continued to point his gun at me, I still couldn't bring myself to use No Longer Human.

The entire scene was utterly silent. I glanced at the classmates beside me, then gave a pointed look at a certain cursed spirit's true body and smiled faintly.

"The next time we meet, I'll kill you."

In the end, I still couldn't bear to hurt Oda Sakunosuke, even though this person wasn't him, even though he had just fired at me.

It would die. That cursed spirit would die, without fail. But I only hoped that, at least, I wouldn't be the one to kill it. At least, please don't make me kill him while he wore Oda Sakunosuke's shell.

"I'm sorry, but I'll give you both an explanation."

Saying that, I carried my two classmates, both roughly as tall as I was, out of Lupin together and silently dialed Toji Fushiguro's number.

"Boss, what are you up to now, in the middle of the night?"

"Lupin. Come over to Ginza."

"You drink too, boss?"

"Perhaps."