The gun barrel tilted, the bullet veered off course, and a void quantum grazed my jaw, pierced my earlobe, and blasted apart an ancient, dying tree that should have been used for hanging myself.
My eardrum's agonized screams echoed inside my ear like the buzzing of bees. Double images kept swimming before my eyes, making the child's figure impossible to distinguish. But I could see his lips opening and closing with perfect clarity. He was saying, "I'm sorry."
(1)
[I'm sorry, Lili. I forgot you were still here. I thought this house was empty.]
[I'm sorry, Lili. I got a little carried away just now, so I forgot to take you with me.]
[I'm sorry, Lili. I'm not in a very good mood.]
[I'm sorry, Lili.]
[I'm sorry.]
[Lili... I...]
[It's all right.]
Saying "It's all right" was what I did best.
With "I'm sorry" as the excuse, I had been left waiting in an empty house for days; abandoned on a battlefield, surrounded by enemies; banished into the wilderness without cause, forced to walk all night to get home. Forgotten, neglected, made the target of misplaced anger, treated as though I didn't matter-I could calmly say, "It's all right," to all of it.
But why couldn't I obediently say it again when this child apologized?
"I'm sorry... Yuanli..." Megumi Fushiguro, who had been brought here by the Ochre Giant Bird, took Quasar from my hand. He looked utterly terrified. Even without touching me, his trembling reached me through the magnetic field, affecting me in wave after wave.
I was astonished, then overjoyed. But after the joy came overwhelming bewilderment.
The fairy-tale character I had dreamed of had appeared. And then what?
The Little Prince had ridden a giant bird to save someone standing at the edge of a cliff. And then what?
The Witch had been moved, smiling at the child with something like maternal love. And then what?
The story buried deep in my heart-the fairy-tale ending I had craved-turned out to be only a couple of sentences. Was being rescued from peril and having my life preserved really all I had sought for over a hundred years?
Amid my tangled thoughts, I vaguely heard the child speaking.
"...family... please... don't leave..."
My drifting heart suddenly settled onto solid ground. It had found somewhere to belong.
What mattered had never been those few sentences at the end of the story, but what lay hidden in the blank space afterward: never being parted again.
"I'm sor-"
I hugged him tight before he could finish. Suddenly, I understood why I had never been able to get those words, "It's all right," out.
Because Megumi Fushiguro had done nothing wrong. He didn't need me to say "It's all right" to numb himself.
(2)
The moment Megumi Fushiguro saw Yuanli holding a gun beneath her chin, he felt the whole world stop.
He had imagined countless things that might happen on this mountain. But none of them could have been worse than watching his own family member take her life.
Now he finally understood why books made such a point of urging people to seize every moment. Because perhaps just one second of hesitation would have turned the person holding him now into a cold corpse.
"Don't apologize... You don't need to apologize... You've already done so well, Megumi..."
Yuanli wasn't very tall. When she bent down to hug him, their ears pressed together. The heavy smell of blood left Megumi Fushiguro's hands and feet cold. He raised a hand and gently covered her clotted wound, whispering, "Yuanli... Let's go home..."
Let's go back to how things used to be.
(3)
Megumi and I sat side by side on the swaying Early Bus. His cold little hand held mine the entire time. His face was turned toward the window, and his dark blue eyes seemed to hold a deep, dark sea.
Waves churned on its surface, while its depths lay beyond sight. The boat I rode would never sink in this sea, but neither would I ever see the shoreline.
When the bus reached our stop, we got off hand in hand. Next, we would walk down an all-too-familiar road through rolling waves of wheat.
The last time I had walked this road, I had been with Toji.
"Yuanli, would you like something to drink?" Ever considerate, Megumi led me to the Vending Machine and bought a bottle of warm tea.
Then he let go of me, opened the cap, and quickly took my hand again.
I sat on the bench in front of the machine, looking down at the drink as steam slowly rose from it. The warm mist brushed my eyes, making everything look a little blurred.
"Megumi, do you know Toji well?"
The little hand between my fingers shifted slightly. His voice turned cold. "Not really."
I took a sip of the hot drink and looked out over the endless wheat fields, saying slowly, "From the time I was born until Yuanyin passed away, I never once called Toji Dad. Do you know why, Megumi?"
Megumi lowered his eyes without speaking.
"Because I knew very early on that he was good at running away and had no sense of responsibility."
The child hadn't expected me to be so blunt. He looked a little stunned.
I continued, "When faced with difficult emotions, his first instinct is to avoid them. When faced with overwhelming grief, he chooses to run. All that decadent indulgence is really just a tool he uses to numb himself. Am I right, Megumi? He was like that in your last life too, wasn't he?"
"I don't remember my last life... But I do remember that he never came home."
I sighed. "Ah, just like now."
"Leave him alone." Megumi pressed his lips together. "Don't bother with him anymore, Yuanli. The two of us can live on our own."
I looked at the child and told him earnestly, "Megumi, I did bad things in my past lives."
He looked up at me and paused, but soon tried to comfort me. "Did you have reasons you couldn't help?"
I nodded, then shook my head.
He thought for a while before saying very seriously, "In this life, I'll keep an eye on you. I won't let you do bad things."
"You're forgiving me just like that?"
He looked a little unhappy and answered in a muffled voice, "Yes."
"Then what about Toji? If even I can be forgiven, why can't he?"
"You're different."
Intent on debating him, I refused to let it go. "How are we different?"
The child's brows knitted tightly. "...He gambles."
"I used to drink excessively."
"He's killed people."
"So have I. Wait, he's killed people?"
I had always thought Toji was just an ordinary person with a few "special talents." He had that sort of job too?
Seeing my strong reaction, Megumi pressed his advantage. "He hasn't just killed people. He's been a host, lived off women, and even sold me to the Zenin Clan for a billion."
I gaped.
"So don't bother with him," Megumi concluded coldly.
Though I was shocked, one thing remained clear to me. "Those things you just mentioned, Megumi-did the current Toji Zenin do them?"
"...Toji Fushiguro did."
A small crack appeared in the thick layer of ice. Megumi fell silent.
"Megumi, what were you thinking when you saw me about to shoot myself?"
"I thought I was going to be too late."
"But you got there, so it wasn't too late." I set the drink on the ground and gathered the child into my arms. "If it isn't too late for anything yet, could we give Toji another chance?"
Soft strands of hair rubbed against my chin. I knew Megumi had nodded.
(4)
[Stay, Michiko. I can give you a better life. I have a car and a house, my job is stable, and my parents left me a substantial inheritance when they died. I've already thought it all through. As long as we...]
The nurse switched off the television.
The actor, clutching his chest in an exaggerated performance, had been rejected by his audience before he could even finish his lines.
"What a ridiculous plot," the nurse said as she bandaged my ear.
The road Megumi and I had walked had ended at the hospital.
"Isn't the male lead on TV offering good enough prospects?" I asked quietly.
The nurse heard me and smiled gently. "Of course he is. It's just that no amount of money or family wealth will help."
"Why?"
Was money still not enough? Weren't financial problems the reason most families in this world fell apart? Enough money meant enough security. That was what Yuanyin had taught me, and my observations over the years had confirmed it time and again.
The nurse didn't answer. She picked up the remote and switched back to that channel.
The drama cut to the female lead. Wearing a plain plaid jacket, her black hair tied high, the young woman declared firmly,
[Haruma, stop pestering me. I don't want your money.]
I slowly frowned.
Why wouldn't she want it?!
Tears filled the eyes of the female lead, Michiko. [You don't love me at all. You're just trying to humiliate me with money!]
Click.
The television was switched off again, and my ear had been bandaged. I was still mulling over that exchange.
It was melodramatic enough, but not entirely unreasonable. The question was, what was love?
Didn't my money count as love? Didn't my acceptance, tolerance, and understanding count either? If none of those were love, then what kind of love could make Toji Zenin stay?
Was it the bond of trading one life for another?
So complicated. Family bonds, family members-it was all so complicated.
I couldn't understand why Toji had left, just as I couldn't understand why Yuanyin had abandoned me.
The nurse beside me had already started chattering with someone else about gossip. "Things have been such a mess lately... How scary... All broken?! That was brutal... Only woke up today... Why didn't they call the police... Foreigners, huh... The Mad Tiger Gang too..."
The noise was getting to me, and I was about to leave when I heard a familiar name. I sat back down to keep eavesdropping.
"The Mad Tiger Gang should've been wiped out ages ago... The foreigners who woke up... Apparently they're all together... A terrorist was caught on surveillance... Black top, white trousers... Another Mad Tiger Gang member who's awake saw him... Apparently the terrorist has a scar at the corner of his mouth..."
Me: A terrorist?!
Before you continue