Honey and Traps

Before dawn, I carefully stepped out of the Coastal Cave, ready to leave my brief, leisurely life behind and resume my journey to seek an audience with the Elden Ring.

But a voice behind me stopped me in my tracks. "Lord Zero, are you leaving?"

I turned around. It was Boc and the White Wolf King.

Naturally, I nodded. "Yes. You two should be able to look after yourselves now, and I've rested long enough. It's time I set out again."

"...Lord Zero." Boc sounded a little choked up.

"It's all right. It's not like we'll never see each other again." Ugh, my whole reason for leaving without saying goodbye was that I couldn't stand farewells. I sighed. "If I have time, I might come back here."

We fell silent for a moment.

Then Boc suddenly shouted, "Lord Zero, thank you! ...I'll make myself more useful, I promise. When you come back next time, when my sewing skills are better, when I..."

"Yes, I'll look forward to it." I smiled faintly and blew the Spectral Steed Whistle to summon Torrent. "Goodbye, then, Boc, Wolf King. Look after each other, and take care!"

With that, I flicked the reins and rode away on Torrent.

Behind me, I heard the Wolf King's howl and Boc's shouted farewell. "Goodbye, Lord Zero! Please stay safe!"

Yes, this was for the best.

Following a Tarnished on his journey was far too dangerous. Now that little Boc had a home, he was better off staying in the Coastal Cave. After all, I couldn't guarantee that everything would unfold exactly as it did in the game, or that I could keep him safe.

I rode up the mountain path, past the Church of Elleh and the nearby woods.

As I rode, I considered my options. I'd already explored the easier spots around here, and the Tree Sentinel was the only powerful enemy left.

My abilities and level should have been roughly equivalent to level five in the game. Taking the Tree Sentinel head-on would probably still be difficult, so I decided to head toward Agheel Lake's eastern shore first.

Or should I go to the Weeping Peninsula first?

That was the real beginner area, with weaker, lower-level monsters...

As I passed the short bridge north of Agheel Lake, I suddenly remembered "Mad" Patches in the nearby Murkwater Cave.

I wondered how that carriage robbery had gone.

Besides, by now he should have switched careers and become a merchant. It was a good chance to see how things were going.

...I didn't have a single rune, but with the silver tongue I'd honed through dealing with Kale, perhaps I could talk my way into a bargain~

With that little scheme in mind, I wasted no time. Let's go, Torrent!

"Neigh!"

Torrent deftly jumped off the short bridge, evaded our pursuers, and carried me all the way to the Murkwater Cave.

I raised my torch and went inside alone.

After only a few steps, I spotted two of Patches' bandits sitting in an open cavern.

"Hey!" I waved in greeting.

The two bandits enthusiastically ran over when they saw me.

"Long time no see. Patches... Whoa!" Before I could finish, a longsword came slashing down at me. Luckily, I reacted quickly enough to dodge it.

I was utterly confused. "Don't you recognize me? Or is Patches not here anymore?"

The bandit didn't answer. He simply raised his sword and attacked again.

Too slow!

I closed in first and knocked one down with a hard front kick. Then I ducked low and swept my leg around, dodging the attack while tripping the other bandit.

Jingle, jingle!

Unfortunately, one of the falling bandits triggered an alarm.

Soon, several more bandits came swarming out from deeper inside the cave.

I quickly pulled out a Fire Pot and hurled it hard at the ground in front of them.

Boom-

The flames ignited the nearby piles of grass, blazing fiercely and blocking the bandits' advance.

Meanwhile, a bandit seized the chance to get back up and swing his Straight Sword again.

Still at it?

"Stop!" Suddenly, someone shouted for him to halt.

A bald head gleamed inside the cave.

Oh~ It's Patches.

Patches walked over with a smile, spreading his arms. "Look who's back! If it isn't our old pal Tarnished!"

Uh, let's skip the hug. Men ought to keep their hands to themselves, too.

I nimbly dodged Patches, then pointed at the bandits. "What's gotten into them?"

Patches looked me up and down, making me thoroughly uncomfortable. "W-what's gotten into you now?"

"Huh? Ahem, ahem." Patches sighed and changed the subject. "Well, you know how it is. If these lads had any brains, would they have ended up as bandits?"

As he spoke, he waved at the bandits. "Off you go. All of you. Let me have a proper chat with my old pal."

Only then did the bandits put away their weapons, and I followed Patches into the largest cavern.

"...So, after I left that day, did your plan succeed?" I asked the question that had been bothering me most.

"Have you forgotten?" Patches chuckled. "When 'Mad' Patches makes his move, he never fails! ...Of course, things only went so smoothly because you stopped the Trolls pulling the carriage. At first, I was worrying about how to deal with those great big brutes."

Well, the Trolls had already been exhausted. Even the slightest interference would make them stop, desperate for a proper rest.

"But..." Patches leaned closer. "Old pal, you really do have a fine steed, don't you?"

"Uh... yes."

"Then why didn't you say so sooner? Last time, you wouldn't admit it."

Last time? What last time?

Oh!

I caught his implication. He was blaming me for not taking on the cavalry when I had a steed. After all, infantry really did struggle against such mobile opponents.

So I hurriedly made an excuse. "Your plan didn't seem to call for a steed, did it?"

Patches stared at me, fell silent for a moment, then spread his hands somewhat helplessly. "Fair point, I suppose. Heh."

I changed the subject. "So, how are things going now? With Patches' Shop."

"Oh, it's almost ready. Care to be my first customer?" Patches asked, rubbing his hands together.

I remembered that his shop did carry one particularly useful item-Margit's Shackle, which could briefly restrain the Omen Fell and the Blessing King.

It was extremely handy when breaking through the front gate of Stormveil Castle.

Unfortunately, it cost five thousand runes, and I didn't have a penny to my name.

So I could only decline. "Next time... Or you could give me a little perk as thanks for helping you rob that carriage. That's how you keep customers coming back."

"Uh..." Why had he gone quiet again? Patches seemed a little strange today.

Before long, though, he agreed. "You do seem to have a point."

Oh? It worked!

"Here, the goods we intercepted last time are over there. Pick something for yourself." Patches pointed toward a corner of the cavern.

There were treasure chests sitting there-more than there had been in the game, even.

Still, one of them was probably a teleportation trap. That sneaky bastard.

Elden Ring might have lacked those beloved mimics, the ones that made everyone adore old Miyazaki so much they wanted to hoist him up and give him the Liu Shan treatment, but it had added teleportation traps that sent you off to some completely unfamiliar corner of the world.

There was a nasty one in the Dragon-Burnt Ruins. It had left me lost in a cave in Scarlet Rot-infested Caelid, where I'd died more times than I could count.

Still, surely these chests couldn't all be traps.

Besides, I was prepared this time. If I dodged the trap and saw through Patches' trick, I might even turn the tables and get more items out of him.

After all, in the game, rolling away the instant you opened a trapped chest let you avoid being teleported.

And I'd pulled it off plenty of times.

With that in mind, I confidently took a deep breath and reached for the first chest.

Thump!

Safe... Hmm, what's this?

"That carriage was full of weapons and armor. I'm looking for a way to turn them into runes," Patches explained.

Curious, I picked a Flail out of the weapon chest and gave it a few casual swings.

I remembered this weapon. Wasn't it supposed to come from the Black Carriage at the Gatefront Ruins? Why was it here?

Ow, that hurt!

One careless swing sent the Flail's spiked ball straight into my shoulder, making Patches laugh despite himself.

Damn it. Had I not put enough points into dexterity?

So this was what being unable to properly wield a weapon meant in this world.

I opened the next chest, which was a little larger. Inside were Straight Swords and axes.

Among them, I found a Greataxe. This was the treasure that was supposed to drop from the convoy.

"Want that thing? Not a soul in our cave can wield it," Patches warned.

I hefted the Greataxe. Sure enough, I wasn't strong enough to use it yet. "Better not. I might end up hurting myself again."

Next chest, next chest~

I opened another treasure chest.

Thump!

Suddenly, thick black mist poured out of it!

Damn, a teleportation trap!

I held my breath and hurriedly tried to roll away.

But I was a moment too late. My head suddenly grew heavy, my limbs lost their strength, and I dropped to my knees in front of the chest.

Its interior was fathomlessly dark, like a monster's throat.

"Oh ho ho~ You've got some nerve, old pal... Wasn't taking advantage of me once enough? You really thought you could do it again?"

In the final instant before my consciousness faded, I felt someone shove me in the back, sending me plunging into the bottomless abyss inside the chest.

Patches' brazen mockery still lingered faintly in my ears. "Well, you can only call this your well-deserved divine punishment! Yes, divine punishment. Heh heh heh~"