Longing

From then on, I stayed.

I wanted to spend more time with Tang San and make up, little by little, for the maternal love he had missed all these years.

In our everyday life, I taught him to identify medicinal herbs, explained the tricks to circulating soul power, and taught him the proper Cultivation Method for Blue Silver Grass.

One day, he summoned his martial soul to demonstrate for me.

I looked closely, only to frown-

The Blue Silver Grass, which should have been fresh and vibrant, brimming with life, actually had a layer of dark poison coating its vines and leaves, and its martial soul origin was a tangled mess.

Clearly, his first few soul rings had added poisonous attributes incompatible with Blue Silver Grass, even the vicious toxins of beast-type soul beasts.

Fortunately, the Blue Silver Emperor Bloodline embraced all forms, so his martial soul had not shattered completely.

I drew upon the power of my own origin, awakened the dormant Blue Silver Emperor Bloodline within him, and cleansed the impurities from his martial soul little by little, reshaping its life origin and raising his martial soul directly to the level of a Blue Silver King.

Two more months passed, and his soul power level reached 70. He needed to hunt another soul beast to obtain his Seventh Soul Ring.

He stood before me and promised solemnly, "Mom, don't worry. Unless it's necessary, I absolutely won't slaughter soul beasts indiscriminately. Even if I must hunt them, I'll only hunt extremely evil, highly aggressive soul beasts."

Looking at his earnest expression, my heart softened. I was both gratified by his kind nature and moved that he could consider my feelings.

Yet I still shook my head and said gently, "San, Mom is glad you have compassion. But I won't stop you from obtaining suitable soul rings."

Tang San looked a little puzzled.

I smiled. "Do you think Mom is too coldhearted, disregarding the bonds with her own kind?"

He hurriedly shook his head. "No. You must be doing it for my sake, hoping my cultivation will go more smoothly."

I did not argue, only asked softly, "San, do you think Soft Bone Rabbits count as evil soul beasts?"

"Of course not!" he countered almost instinctively. "Little rabbits are gentle and adorable, and hardly aggressive at all. How could they be evil soul beasts?"

"But Mom is grass. Every Soft Bone Rabbit eats many of my kind over its lifetime. In my eyes, wouldn't Soft Bone Rabbits count as evil?"

He opened his mouth, unsure how to answer. Only after a long while did he haltingly insist, "Soft Bone Rabbits... definitely don't count as evil soul beasts."

I did not know why he was so certain. Somewhat amused, I stroked his head. Rather than argue, I began telling him a story-

"Long, long ago, there was a king who especially loved the little deer in the forest. He thought they were gentle and adorable, so they must be good. Wolves, on the other hand, preyed on the deer. That was far too cruel, so they must be evil."

"So he ordered his soldiers to kill every wolf in the forest."

"He thought that, this way, without their natural predators, every little deer could live free of worries."

"But things went against his wishes. After the wolves were wiped out, nothing kept the deer in check. They began breeding excessively and devouring vast amounts of vegetation, devastating the entire forest. With no one to clear away the carcasses of deer that died of illness, disease bred and spread."

"In the end, the deer died in great numbers instead, and the once-lush forest became a barren wasteland."

Naturally, this was a story Su Yi had once told me.

As Tang San listened, he lowered his eyes and fell into thought.

I said softly, "All things beneath heaven have their own laws of survival. So long as they do not upset nature's balance, no living creature should be defined as 'evil' from birth."

Tang San raised his head to look at me and frowned. "Mom, do you... want me to stop hunting soul beasts? But obtaining soul rings is unavoidable in a soul master's cultivation..."

I interrupted him, my tone still calm. "San, I told you this story not to stop you from hunting soul beasts, but because I don't want you judging other creatures as good or evil according to your personal likes and dislikes, then taking it for granted that you can decide whether they live or die."

"Soul masters hunting for soul rings is itself part of the cultivation system. You may hunt soul beasts, but not because they are evil and deserve to be hunted by you. It is because those are the laws of cultivation."

At this point, I could not help recalling Su Yi's bold declaration when he spoke of the soul masters' cultivation system.

Even now, I could not forget the shock that had struck my heart in that instant.

He had stood on my vines, wrapped in the mountain wind, his robes snapping, his spirit soaring-

"If the day comes when I command absolute power, I'll overturn this sickening cultivation system completely. Soul masters won't have to hunt for soul rings to break through, and soul beasts won't have to toil for someone else's benefit, spending every day in dread, left at others' mercy."

Looking at Tang San before me, I did not hold such high expectations for him-

Not because of talent, but because this world could scarcely produce a second person with the ambition to remake heaven and earth.

I raised a hand to smooth the stray hair the wind had tousled over his forehead, and my tone softened. "Of course, as a blade of grass, Mom still hopes that, when you hunt for soul rings, you'll choose the more ferocious soul beasts whenever possible."

Tang San nodded firmly and said earnestly, "Mom, I promise you. From now on, unless it's necessary, I absolutely won't hunt soul beasts again."

I nodded, gratified. "Mm. I believe you."

After our reunion, I remained distant toward Tang Hao.

Half of it was because Su Yi's shadow still lingered in my heart; the other half was genuine anger at how he had drifted through these years, neglecting our child. I was filled with disappointment.

He had tried to approach me-

Sometimes he brought up old incidents from when we had sworn siblinghood to start a conversation; sometimes he clumsily fetched mountain spring water or gathered wild fruit, hoping to please me. Several times, he started to speak, then stopped, lifting a foot only to set it down again.

I always turned slightly aside, unobtrusively avoiding him, or accepted the wild fruit he offered with a word of thanks, then turned away when he wanted to say more.

It was not sulking or resentment. Rather, at our very first meeting after our reunion, he had exhausted the last of my hopes.

I stayed only because of our blood ties, because of what I owed, because of a mother's responsibility.

Tang Hao's enthusiasm seemed to run into an invisible wall-not an icy rejection that kept him a thousand miles away, but a lukewarm melting that gave him nothing to push against and nowhere to find purchase.

Several months dragged by in this tepid state. When he saw that he could not obtain even half a tender word from me, he sank back into the wine jar.

Though he did not quite return to his muddled stupor, he never mustered the slightest spirit again.

I watched, and a little more disappointment quietly gathered in my heart.

Later, he only dared stand far away, quietly watching my son and me.

Sometimes he squatted on a gray rock beside the waterfall, clutching a wine flask and drinking in silence while the mist soaked his shoulders; sometimes he silently chopped firewood by the forest, stacked it neatly outside the courtyard gate, then turned back into his room and fell into a heavy sleep.

Tang San saw all of the faint estrangement that lay between us.

Caught in the middle, he fretted in secret, always trying every means to ease our relationship-

Sometimes, while Tang Hao was away, he pulled me down to sit in the courtyard and cautiously spoke of his father's hardships over the years; sometimes he asked indirect questions about the days when we had sworn siblinghood, trying to awaken my old affections through those memories of youthful high spirits.

I could not help feeling secretly amused.

He was a Titled Douluo, one of the rare powerhouses in this world. Even if living in seclusion brought some inconveniences, what hardships could there have been in the daily business of firewood, rice, oil, and salt? He was merely wallowing in the past, unwilling to move forward.

As for those youthful high spirits, by now they had long become flowers in a mirror, a moon upon the water, unworthy of mention.

And remembering meant we could not avoid Spirit Hall's thousand-mile pursuit or that sacrifice which had burned my origin dry.

Whenever I reached this point, Tang San clenched his fists, his face filled with uncontrollable pain and a young man's righteous indignation. "Mom, don't worry. Spirit Hall has committed countless evils. Sooner or later, I'll avenge you!"

I reached out to smooth the crease between his brows and said gently, "You're very talented, and it comforts me greatly that you want to avenge me. But I hope you won't implicate others or hurt the innocent."

After a pause, I added softly, "And I hope you understand-you would seek revenge on them not because they committed countless evils, but simply because they took your mother away."

He froze, seemingly not understanding.

I explained patiently, "Mom is a soul beast. They wanted to hunt me for my soul ring and soul bone. Though I hate them, from a soul master's standpoint, they weren't wrong..."

Before I could finish, Tang Hao, who had been eavesdropping nearby, interrupted in a low voice. "No, Ah Yin. You had already transformed into a human and entered your mature stage. You had become completely human. You were no longer a soul beast."

I glanced at him and ignored him, continuing to look at Tang San as I said firmly, "San, I am human, but at the same time, I am still a soul beast. I cannot deny that identity, nor am I willing to."

Tang Hao stood where he was, his expression still dark, and shook his head. "No, no. You're human. You've long since been human..."

Tang San looked at me, then at Tang Hao, standing helplessly between us, unsure whose side to take.

I said slowly, "You are my child. You may hate them, and you may seek revenge on them. But that has nothing to do with justice or evil. It is only because they made you lose your mother."

Right and wrong depended on one's standpoint, but righteousness and evil did not. This, too, was something Su Yi had taught me.

It was also at that moment that I suddenly realized-

Even my own flesh and blood rejected my identity as a soul beast.

They treated me gently and regarded me as family on the premise that, deep down, they believed I had already become wholly human.

For the first time, I understood with piercing clarity what Su Yi had meant by, "Those not of our kind must be of a different heart."

Perhaps they were the ones who were right-having been born human, this was how they ought to be.

Yet my heart only grew lonelier.

Later, I met the girl Tang San loved. Her name was Xiao Wu.

Like me, she was a transformed soul beast, a Hundred-Thousand-Year Soft Bone Rabbit that had taken human form. Since my transformation, this was the first time I had met someone who was truly my own kind.

Only then did I understand why Tang San had reacted so strongly when I used Soft Bone Rabbits as an example. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Perhaps this was what people meant by, "A grown son is no longer his mother's to command."

I treated her with great warmth. She was a transformed soul beast like me, and the one my son loved. Naturally, I treated her like family, teaching her cultivation as well as how to navigate the human world.

Only after a long, heartfelt conversation did I discover-

She had always resisted and rejected her identity as a soul beast. It was not fear that exposure would bring death upon her, but denial and estrangement from the bottom of her heart.

Toward her own kind, she might soften, sympathize, or feel pity, but she no longer regarded them as her kind, much less thought of doing anything for the people she had once belonged to.

Once again, I felt how different Su Yi was.

He never denied my identity as a soul beast, much less urged me to deny my past. Instead, he always said that plants had roots and peoples had lineages, and hoped I could live openly and proudly in this world as the Blue Silver Emperor.

I had not forgotten the promise I had made in my heart in the Ancestral Land-

I wanted to open a new path where my kind, struggling to survive, could find secure footing.

But only when I truly tried did I discover that the difficulties of the world far exceeded my imagination.

I lacked Su Yi's boldness to remake heaven and earth, and his breadth of vision that encompassed both peoples. I could not even make those closest to me accept my soul beast identity or shake their deeply rooted prejudice.

All I seemed able to do was shelter a few newly awakened seedlings with the Blue Silver Domain, offer a few gentle words of persuasion when Tang San went Soul Hunting, and give transformed soul beasts I encountered half a volume of the Breath Concealment Technique, helping conceal them a little and pointing them toward a peaceful life.

A cup of water against a cartload of burning firewood, but better than nothing.

Yet in each and every one of these insignificant little deeds, his shadow lay hidden.

With every deed, I thought of him a little more.

I had left Su Yi, only to discover that my words and thoughts were already engraved everywhere with his traces.

Whenever night grew deep and all fell silent.

I sat alone by the window, gazing in a daze at the soft moonlight outside.

As though moved by some unseen impulse, I took out the Azure Hairpin he had left behind, my fingertips unconsciously tracing the golden patterns along its length, over and over.

I did not dare seek him out, no longer because I could not let go of that old love, but because I was unsure whether I was still worthy of standing beside him.

Occasionally, I spread the Blue Silver Domain, reaching into the distance along the veins of the vegetation, quietly sensing his whereabouts.

When I saw him cultivating alone in the wilderness, eating in the wind and sleeping beneath the dew, with only his shadow for company, fine threads of pain spread through my chest;

When I saw the gloom between his brows gradually disperse and his smile return, I quietly breathed a sigh of relief, a little comfort rising in my heart;

When I saw him make new companions, talking and laughing merrily along the way, I was happy for him, yet my fingers unconsciously tightened around the hem of my clothes, and I pressed my lips together;

When I saw him sometimes sitting alone on the wasteland, holding an ordinary blade of Blue Silver Grass in his palm and staring blankly, it felt as though something had struck my chest lightly, leaving it clogged with a sorrow that would not dissolve and would not settle for a long, long time.

And so I watched the moonlight, sitting until dawn.

Day after day, year after year.

Time did not wear my longing smooth. Instead, like the roots of Blue Silver Grass, it burrowed ever deeper into my heart and spread ever wider, tangled and intertwined, until it could scarcely be torn away.