Scatter My Ashes over Fu Yunxi's Family Ancestral Graves

Fu Yunxi stared at Xie Lin, eyes wide, and raised a hand to point at him.

"You... you..."

"What about me? Don't want that finger anymore? Want me to snap it for you?"

Fu Yunxi stammered "you" for ages before his eyes rolled back and he toppled stiffly to the ground, passing out.

[Oh, my heavens! My delicate A-Rank Alpha Film Emperor Fu has fainted again!]

[Oh, this damned translationese!]

[Why can I hear all your comments?]

The director shuffled over in his big slippers and pressed the point above Fu Yunxi's upper lip with practiced ease.

Xie Lin crouched down and rummaged all over him.

Lu Ye stepped forward and pulled him up.

"Don't touch him. Watch out for germs. Whatever you're looking for, I'll find it."

"Find his task card. I want to see what Hidden Task was so difficult he couldn't finish it!"

"No need to look!"

The director waved a hand.

"His Hidden Task was to pin a guest against a tree and say, 'Man, you smell so good.' Oh, a woman would've worked too."

"..."

[Goddammit, now I'm even angrier. I hereby declare Xi Paper Wraps Ning disbanded. Everyone, wash up and go to bed!]

[Fu Yunxi seriously has issues. He was with He Jianing the whole time. What would've been so hard about pinning him against a tree? It was so easy!]

[Haven't you noticed? Fu Yunxi just loves clinging to Xie Lin. Too bad Xie Lin doesn't want him!]

[At least our Lu Lin is sweet!]

[Blue V is super sweet too. Sister Lan carried Zhiwei on her back the whole way!]

[Heh. May all your ships break up soon.]

[Fuck, that's vicious!]

Only after the director pressed the point for quite a while did Fu Yunxi slowly come around.

The director waved his palm-leaf fan, his face wreathed in smiles.

The show dominated the trending searches, and money poured into his pockets.

He couldn't have been more satisfied with how the show was turning out and was getting ready to discuss a second season with the producers that evening.

"Right, same rules as before. Rock-paper-scissors, best of five, to decide second and third place."

He Jianing got his wish: he and Lu Ye took third place.

"Also, the guests who didn't complete their Hidden Tasks have a little punishment: act like a rooster."

[What sound do chickens make? Cluck-cluck?]

[That's a hen. A rooster goes cock-a-doodle-doo-]

[Hahahahaha, can't wait!]

He Jianing's expression froze, and he looked about to cry.

"Director, I'm not feeling well. Can I skip the punishment?"

The director shook his head impartially.

"Nope!"

[He Jianing is disgusting. Why should he get out of the punishment when he didn't finish his task? Does that mean people who cause traffic accidents don't have to pay damages either?]

[Are you sick? How are those the same thing? The production team is deliberately targeting our Ningbao.]

[Ningbao isn't feeling well! Do they have to force him to crow?]

[Do a certain Ning's fans have no moral compass? If all else fails, go get yourselves remade!]

[Didn't Fu Yunxi get punished too? Why is your Ningbao the exception? If he can't take it, he can quit. Good riddance!]

The live comments erupted into another argument.

Xie Lin was already angry about not getting first place, and He Jianing's attitude, as if everyone in the world had to indulge him, only infuriated him further.

"So everyone has to give way to you? Call me Dad. I only spoil my own son."

Lu Ye knitted his brows.

"No, I object. If my son behaved like that, I'd break his legs. All he can do all day is serve up phony sweetness!"

He Jianing's face was pale, and he swayed on his feet.

"Don't fight over me. I'll do it. As long as you're happy."

With a single remark, he guilt-tripped both the production team and the guests.

Xie Lin sneered.

"Get this straight. You're being punished because you didn't finish your task. Stop blaming everything on other people. Are you a professional blame-shifter?"

He Jianing cried, tears and snot streaming down his face.

"I'm not. I really am not. I'm sorry. It's all my fault for upsetting you."

[Is Xie Lin sick in the head? Why is he pressuring our Ningbao?]

[I can't take this. Are these paid trolls hired by a certain Ning? How much per comment? Get him!]

"Enough. Get on with it. Aren't we cooking? Do you want everyone to go hungry because of you?"

Fu Yunxi waved a hand weakly.

"I'll go first!"

He stood up, stretched his neck out unsteadily, and turned in a circle, crowing a few times while flapping his hands behind his back to imitate wings.

Once he finished, he looked at He Jianing.

"Just copy me. It's easy."

[Spinning, leaping, I close my eyes-]

[Now that's how you accept a loss. I suddenly like Fu Yunxi a little more.]

He Jianing had no choice but to copy him, while inwardly cursing Xie Lin up and down.

By the time he finished, the rims of his eyes were red with anger, and he couldn't even lift his head.

A trending hashtag quietly climbed Weibo's rankings: #HowManyStepsDoesItTakeToPutHeJianingInAChickenCoop.

Yu Zhiwei's calf had been bitten by a snake, but after treatment by the medical professional the production team had brought along, she was no longer in any serious danger.

She was now sitting on a stool, watching the other two teams cook with Yue Lan.

Fu Yunxi wanted to use this opportunity to redeem himself, so he shoved Xie Lin aside with his hip.

"Take a break. I'll do it."

Xie Lin was full of questions.

"Film Emperor Fu knows how to cook?"

"Of course!"

Xie Lin had almost forgotten that Fu Yunxi did have plenty of cooking scenes in his acting work. He had probably picked up a few skills in private.

Lu Ye stared at him darkly, calculating which part of his head would be the most satisfying place to slam the ladle down on.

Trying to seduce my wife?

Dream on!

Fu Yunxi also wanted to take his shirt off to show his firm chest and abs, drawing Xie Lin's attention while bringing in another wave of views.

But then he remembered that his body was covered in bruises from his beating. That certainly wouldn't look good on camera, so he had to abandon the idea.

The production team was quite considerate. Each team only had to make four dishes, and the ingredients had already been prepared. They didn't even need washing.

Fu Yunxi stood ramrod straight at the stove, tossing the wok with one hand and adding ingredients and seasonings with the other, his movements smooth and fluid.

The cameraman circled him and couldn't find a single unflattering angle.

Amid billowing steam, a plate of stir-fried tomatoes and eggs came fresh out of the wok.

Fu Yunxi grinned at the camera and flashed a peace sign.

[Credit where it's due: ignoring that swollen pig face, he really does look handsome cooking.]

[Speaking from years of kitchen experience, anyone who puts on that much of a show is guaranteed to make terrible food!]

Lu Ye chuckled.

"Plenty of flashy moves. Who knows how it tastes, though!"

Fu Yunxi was basking in the pleasure of having everything under control when the voice made him frown. Annoyed, he could only steel himself and answer back.

"Why don't you try it and find out, President Lu?"

"No, no. I'm afraid of dying."

Lu Ye shook his head like a rattle drum and hopped behind Xie Lin, somehow shrinking his towering, over-six-foot frame into a huddle.

"There's always some villain trying to poison me."

Xie Lin rolled his eyes, not bothering to respond.

He Jianing finally recovered and managed a gentle smile on his pale face.

"Brother Yunxi's cooking must be delicious. Let me try it."

He picked up a mouthful with his chopsticks, but before he could put it in his mouth, Lu Ye's voice drifted over.

"Third place. No food!"

[Fuck, is Lu Ye sick in the head? What's wrong with Ningbao kindly tasting another guest's food? Does he have to attack him over that too?]

[Heh. Who knows whether He Jianing just wanted to sneak a bite?]

[As if our Ningbao needs your measly bite of food!]

[Do you remember how He Jianing spent the whole trip chasing Lu Ye and didn't find any supplies?]

[I remember. Fu Yunxi didn't find any either, but he gets to eat.]

He Jianing's hand stiffened, and he awkwardly set down his chopsticks.

"Sorry, I forgot. Then Xie Lin should taste it instead."

"Nope. I'm afraid of dying too."

With a terrified expression, Xie Lin abruptly backed up half a step, only to bump straight into Lu Ye's arms.

Lu Ye seized the opportunity to breathe in his wife's scent, then let him go before the elbow strike landed.

Yue Lan stood up and looked at Lu Ye with an air of righteous resolve.

"If I die, please make sure you scatter my ashes over Fu Yunxi's family ancestral graves!"

"..."

Fu Yunxi bristled with fury.

"What are you trying to do?"

"Tell on him!"