[Before reading: moral crusaders and canon purists, proceed with caution. Extremely heavy harem content, at least 20+. Lighthearted early on, more plot-driven later. Not a system conspiracy story. Come on in if you can accept a sneaky male lead and a S.P.E.A.R. storyline.]
(Brain storage area. Don't ask me for yours back when you leave. This humble author doesn't have one either.)
Lin Xiao had been in the K9999 Marvel Variant Universe for three months.
This was his seventeenth interview at S.H.I.E.L.D. Starting last month, S.H.I.E.L.D. had begun recruiting clerical staff from the public to organize its enormous database. In his dozen-plus previous attempts, the interviewers had brushed Lin Xiao off with all sorts of excuses and rejected him. Today, he had heard that the interviewer was S.H.I.E.L.D.'s "nice guy," Coulson. Knowing this was an opportunity, Lin Xiao had shamelessly shown up again.
Lin Xiao sat on a bench outside S.H.I.E.L.D.'s human resources department. His frame, standing over two meters tall, made the metal bench creak as though it might fall apart at any moment. The dozen or so applicants around him had all kept at least three empty seats between themselves and him without exchanging a word. The nearest young white man had only the edge of his backside on his seat, ready to sprint at any moment.
Lin Xiao gave him a friendly smile.
The young man shuddered and silently moved another seat away.
Lin Xiao was very pleased with this.
He leaned against the backrest, his gaze sweeping over the closed office door at the end of the corridor as his thoughts drifted back three months.
Three months ago, he had still been playing video games in his rented apartment. When he woke up, there was a system in his head, and he had transmigrated into the Marvel Universe.
Ding-congratulations on binding the Punish Evil and Promote Good Five-Dimensional Growth System!
Lin Xiao had almost laughed aloud. The Marvel Universe, with a system at his side-wasn't that the perfect protagonist setup?
Complete punish-evil-and-promote-good missions to receive random increases to your five attributes and random rewards!
He understood random rewards, and he understood five-dimensional growth. But the system hadn't told him that there was something fucking wrong with this "random."
First mission: help an old lady cross the street. Reward: strength +5.
Second mission: help a neighbor find their cat. Reward: strength +8.
Third mission: stop a convenience store robbery. Reward: strength +15, plus a tight-fitting tank top.
A month later, his strength stat had shot through the roof, while the other four-intelligence, agility, spirit, and charisma-hadn't budged, as though nailed to the starting line.
"Doupao, explain something to your boy here. What do you mean by random five-dimensional growth?"
Ding-I will answer in the plainest, most straightforward terms: growth points are randomly allocated among the five attributes.
"Then why is it all strength?"
Ding-random.
A brief silence.
Lin Xiao understood. The system wasn't crooked. It was just plain sick in the head.
In two months, he had ballooned from an average-built young Asian man into a human beast standing 2.1 meters tall, with muscles that stretched a T-shirt into skintight clothing. When he walked down the street, gangsters took detours around him, and police officers instinctively reached for their guns. He wanted to make a living with his brain, but the man in the mirror looked more and more like something that could eat Hulk raw.
But Lin Xiao knew that this alone was nowhere near enough in the Marvel Universe, where big shots were a dime a dozen and godlike beings roamed everywhere. So he made a decision that went against his ancestors-hug a thigh. He would go to S.H.I.E.L.D. and cling to the biggest thigh in the Marvel Universe. Get a clerical position, sit in an office, drink coffee, organize files, and do a few missions on the side to improve his strength. Perfect!
"Lin Xiao!"
A shout came from the office.
Lin Xiao stood up. Relieved of its burden, the metal bench let out a liberated groan, revealing a shallow dent in its seat.
He walked toward the office door. The dozen or so applicants around him all looked up, their eyes seeing off a comrade headed for execution.
To make absolutely certain this interview went smoothly, Lin Xiao decided to do something.
He turned back and asked amiably, "Are you all still planning to interview? I hear the competition is fierce today. Twenty applicants, and only two or three get to stay. As it happens, I'd like to stay." As he spoke, Lin Xiao jabbed his finger into the door. Pop, pop, pop. Three sounds rang out, leaving three holes as thick as radishes.
The hall fell silent for three seconds.
A miracle happened.
The first person stood up. "I just remembered I left the gas on at home."
The second followed immediately. "Oh God, my wife's giving birth today!"
"Didn't you say you were single last month?"
"Fuck you! None of your business!"
The third was even more decisive. He grabbed his briefcase and ran, not even bothering to invent an excuse.
Thirty seconds later, the corridor was deserted. Only Lin Xiao and the crooked row of empty chairs remained.
Lin Xiao nodded in satisfaction and straightened his shirt collar. This was the largest size he could buy, and it still stretched around him like a sausage casing. Then he pushed open the door and walked in.
Two desks faced each other inside the office. At the one near the door sat an interviewer wearing glasses, looking down at a résumé with his brow furrowed tightly enough to crush a fly. By the window sat Phil Coulson, a veteran S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, holding a cup of coffee and maintaining his composure through professional discipline.
At least, he thought he was composed.
As Lin Xiao entered, his shoulder brushed the metal door, making it groan under the strain.
The interviewer didn't look up. "Chinese American? No relevant work experience, no professional training of any kind, and under special skills on your résumé, you've written-" He adjusted his glasses and read each word distinctly. "'Mild-mannered and good at communication.'"
The interviewer looked up.
His neck tilted upward very slowly. Upward. And farther upward. Until he finally took in Lin Xiao's entire figure-2.1 meters tall, shirt buttons stretched so tight that the outlines of his ironlike pectorals showed beneath, arms thicker than the interviewer's thighs, standing there like a breathing wall.
The interviewer looked down at the words "Build: average" on the résumé. Then he looked back up at the human mountain before him.
"You call this... average?"
Across from him, Coulson spat out a mouthful of coffee.
Though he considered himself a well-traveled, knowledgeable agent, the scene before him still broke his composure-a man three sizes bulkier than most field agents he had met had come to apply for a clerical job.
Coulson wiped the corner of his mouth, keeping his voice as steady as possible. "Mr... Lin?"
Lin Xiao nodded guilelessly, his movements looking cautious.
Coulson's gaze bounced between the résumé and the man himself, his facial muscles twitching. "You're applying for a clerical position?"
"Yes, a clerical position." Lin Xiao's voice didn't match his build at all. It was gentle, even a little embarrassed. "I'm not very good at fighting and killing. I just want a stable office job."
The office was so quiet that they could have heard flakes of plaster fall.
Coulson was Coulson, after all. Three seconds later, his professional smile returned. "S.H.I.E.L.D. welcomes diversity." The corner of his eye still twitched despite himself as he said it. "However, we still need to follow the standard interview procedure."
He motioned for the interviewer to continue.
The interviewer swallowed and forced himself to ask, "M-may I ask what your special skills are?"
"I'm very good at breaking up fights."
"Could you give an example?"
Lin Xiao thought seriously for a moment. "Last week in Brooklyn, two groups were fighting in the street. I went over and reasoned with them."
"And then?"
"They stopped fighting."
The interviewer breathed a sigh of relief and was about to write down his assessment when Coulson keenly followed up. "What exactly did you say to reason with them?"
Lin Xiao's expression was utterly sincere. "I said, if you keep fighting, either your heads smash together and turn to mush, or you make up right now."
The interviewer's pen stopped. So did Coulson's smile.
"And then they really did stop fighting," Lin Xiao added, a trace of gratification in his voice. "They even called the police themselves. One of them cried and said he'd have me charged with endangering public safety, but I don't blame him. He was pretty emotional at the time."
Coulson put down his coffee cup, freeing both hands to deal with the situation before him.
"Mr. Lin, do you have any idea how strong you are?"
Lin Xiao looked down at his hands, considered it seriously for a moment, and shook his head.
Coulson drew a breath and tried a different approach. "Have you had any other interviews before?"
Lin Xiao fell silent for a few seconds, then nodded. "Yes, but I failed all of them."
"Why?"
"They said I was too intimidating and that it wasn't good for team harmony." Lin Xiao sounded aggrieved. "But I think it's a misunderstanding. I just stand out a little."
Coulson's gaze swept over the sharply defined muscles beneath his shirt, the dent he had made in the metal chair when he sat down, and the fingerprints he had left on the doorframe when pushing the door open.
Stood out. That was probably the most understated self-assessment he had ever heard.
"How about this?" Coulson stood, fetched a punching-bag-sized strength tester from the corner, and secured it to the wall. "We'll do a simple strength test. This is used to assess field agents' power. Punch right here. Don't use too much force-"
Before he finished speaking.
Lin Xiao's fist had already landed on the strength tester.
More precisely, his fist had taken the strength tester straight through the wall.
With a tremendous boom, alarms erupted across the entire floor at once. Through the drifting dust, Coulson saw the light from the neighboring office shining through the neat, fist-shaped hole in the wall. The strength tester hung on the wall next door, still swaying slightly.
Lin Xiao withdrew his fist and scratched his head in embarrassment. "Does that... count as a score?"
Coulson stood where he was, staring expressionlessly at the hole. The interviewer had already crawled under the desk.
Amid the alarms, Coulson took a deep breath, steadying himself with the mental fortitude honed over twenty years as an agent. His fingers discreetly reached for a concealed button beneath the desk-
Before he could press it, a voice came through his earpiece. "Keep him calm. Hear his terms."
Coulson paused in slight surprise, and a hand landed on his shoulder.
Coulson turned stiffly and saw that Lin Xiao was patting his shoulder, very lightly-at least, Lin Xiao thought it was light. Coulson staggered two steps forward, a sharp pain shooting through his shoulder blade.
"So, did I pass?" Lin Xiao smiled warmly.
Looking at that face, Coulson swallowed the words You should apply for fieldwork before they left his mouth.
"Mr. Lin," he said, his voice a little dry, "where are the other applicants outside?"
"They all left."
After a pause, he sincerely added, "Of their own free will."
Coulson looked at the hole in the wall, then at Lin Xiao's harmless face.
He was silent for two seconds.
"...I believe you."
"Mr. Lin." Coulson straightened his tie and put on a veteran agent's professional smile. "Congratulations. You're hired."
"Really?" Lin Xiao's eyes lit up. "So I can be a clerk?"
Coulson fell silent for two seconds. His gaze swept over the hole in the wall, the interviewer trembling beneath the desk, and Lin Xiao's muscles, which could punch a sandbag through a wall despite his claim to be "mild-mannered."
"No," Coulson said. "You'll be my assistant."
It was safer to keep talent like this close, where he could watch him.
Lin Xiao was just about to thank him when a voice suddenly rang out in his head.
Ding-congratulations on obtaining the position: S.H.I.E.L.D. agent's assistant. Reward: strength +20.
Lin Xiao's smile froze for an instant.
"...Motherfucker."