The transformation device traced a pink arc through the night.
Lin Xiao took a deep breath and raised the white plastic-handled magic wand above his head. The gem lit up, and glittering sparkles burst across the pitch-black desert, as though someone had suddenly switched on a disco ball on the battlefield. An outrageously sweet musical intro sounded out of nowhere, its rhythm bouncy and its melody sugary, mingling with the surrounding gunfire, explosions, and screams in a supremely absurd cacophony.
The Ten Rings militants froze. Crouching behind cover with their AKs, they watched the towering, six-foot-eleven man stand bolt upright in the middle of a shell crater, pink magic wand still spitting out star effects. Some instinctively released their triggers, some rubbed their eyes, and one muttered something in Pashto that probably meant, "Allah, what is this?"
Lin Xiao began to dance.
It was no halfhearted wiggle. His movements were precise, perfectly executed, meticulous, even-left foot tapping the ground, right foot tracing a circle, both arms sweeping from his chest to above his head, the wand's pink trail drawing a complete arc through the air with the motion of his wrist. The drumbeat grew denser, his steps grew faster, and the hem of his pink princess dress bloomed like a flower with every turn.
A skirt. Pink. The kind that puffed out from chest to knees, layers upon layers of gauze studded with tiny sequins that glittered in the muzzle flashes. Two bows sat atop his head, tied around golden twin tails that hung to his shoulders, creating a contrast with his muscles that transcended the descriptive capabilities of human language.
A Ten Rings machine gunner saw the sight through his scope. His finger stiffened on the trigger, his mouth opened wide enough to fit a grenade, and the confusion in his eyes swelled and twisted at a visible rate before finally exploding into utter chaos. The scope slipped from his hands.
Only when his companion kicked him did he snap out of it. Fuck this, I'll shoot you dead! Countless bullets sprayed toward Lin Xiao like a torrential storm. Then something bizarre happened: just before reaching him, every bullet seemed to hit an invisible barrier and vanished without a trace. Transformation invincibility frames activated!
"A demon! He's a demon!" The machine gunner was finally the first to crack and flee, leaving the others staring blankly at Lin Xiao like stunned geese.
The wind carried Lin Xiao's singing to them, every syllable like a sugar-frosted nail driven into their eardrums that they could not pull out. Some began backing away, some began praying, and some simply dropped their guns and ran.
But the bullets still came.
AK rounds, machine gun rounds, rounds of unknown caliber rained down on Lin Xiao from every direction. The bullets struck his skin with crisp metallic clinks, as though hammering a solid steel ingot. His transformation invincibility frames had not ended, and every bullet bounced away the instant it touched his skin, scattering faint sparks through the air.
Lin Xiao continued dancing through the hail of gunfire.
His expression was exceptionally focused, his lips moving as he sang the final transformation incantation. He enunciated every syllable clearly and executed every movement meticulously, paying no attention to the dull thud behind him.
That was the sound of a Ten Rings member falling flat on his back at the sight of Lin Xiao.
Thump. Another went down.
Then another thud, accompanied by foaming at the mouth and convulsions.
"Balala energy-wu ka la ka-little magic fairy-full-body transformation!" The instant the final words fell, the last note of the music sounded, and pink light blazed from Lin Xiao. It was blindingly bright, bright enough that everyone instinctively turned their heads away, bright enough to make the entire valley look as though a bolt of pink lightning had split it open.
The light faded.
Lin Xiao stood in the center of the shell crater and lowered his head to examine what he was wearing.
The pink princess dress puffed out from his chest to his knees, its layers of sequined gauze sparkling in the firelight like a galaxy forcibly dyed another color. An enormous bow encircled his waist, a heart-shaped gem set in its center matching the one on his wand. White knee-high socks covered his legs, with bows around their tops as well. On his feet were pink high heels, their chunky heels at least ten centimeters tall, planted firmly among the rubble and spent casings. Two bows tied up his twin tails, the golden wig hanging to his shoulders, its lightly curled ends swaying with his movements.
A hundred and twenty percent boost to all attributes, plus beginner magic? Forget that stuff. I don't understand it.
Lin Xiao flexed his wrist. His joints cracked twice, unusually crisp in the silence.
He raised his head and looked at the Ten Rings members rooted to the spot. Their guns were still pointed at him, but not one was pulling the trigger anymore. Every face looked as though something had pierced the final defenses of their comprehension from deep within their brainstems. Some had already thrown down their guns and begun reciting scripture over and over. Some backed away, tripped halfway, and continued scooting backward on the ground. Some rubbed their eyes again and again before letting out cries like cats whose tails had been stepped on. One who looked like a minor leader stared fixedly at Lin Xiao, his lips trembling several times before he squeezed a broken sentence from his throat. "What... what the hell are you...?"
Lin Xiao grinned at him. His twin tails bobbed twice with the movement. He reminded them gently, "It might already be too late to run."
The next second, a pink afterimage slammed into the crowd.
Tony watched the entire transformation through the Mark I's viewport without saying a word. Only when the pink afterimage began rampaging through the crowd, when Lin Xiao slapped the first militant flying and sent him spinning through the air several times before landing, when those pink high heels crushed a heavy machine gun, did he finally speak.
"What the hell is this? That's it, I need a therapist! Lin Xiao, what the fuck have you put on this time?"
His voice came through the loudspeaker, tinged with exhaustion and helplessness. He had always known Lin Xiao was unreliable, but he had never imagined he was this unreliable.
Lin Xiao grabbed a militant with one hand and flung him, gun and all, out of the trench. Then he turned and shouted toward Tony, "What'd you say? I can't hear you!"
"I said-" Tony's voice suddenly rose more than an octave, making even the loudspeaker crackle. "What the fuck are you wearing?!"
"Oh, this." Lin Xiao looked down at his princess dress. A little dust had gotten onto its hem, and he casually brushed it off, the movement utterly natural. "Just think of it as a kind of advanced magic. Don't you rednecks believe in witchcraft? Same thing."
Tony's breathing came through the loudspeaker, heavy as an enraged bull's. He turned his armored head toward Yinsen beside him. Yinsen stood at the cave entrance, still holding the steel pipe from earlier, his expression that of someone who had simultaneously seen God, the devil, and something he could not name. His lips moved, producing a faint whisper. "Tony... has your friend always been like this?"
Tony did not answer.
Tony turned back toward the pink figure spinning and leaping across the battlefield in high heels. A Ten Rings rocketeer had just shouldered his RPG, but before he could aim, Lin Xiao appeared in front of him, close enough for the launcher's backblast to spray straight into the rocketeer's own face. The rocketeer blinked. Lin Xiao smiled at him. The rocketeer decisively released the trigger, placed the launcher on the ground, and crouched with his hands over his head.
"Wise choice." Lin Xiao nodded in satisfaction, then turned to continue clearing the next area.
Thirty seconds.
For the Ten Rings militants, those thirty seconds were the longest thirty seconds of their lives. For Tony, those thirty seconds were enough to plan out his idea of building an anti-Lin Xiao suit once he got home, from beginning to end, from its shell to its circuit boards, from its power system to its weapons, from its design philosophy to the practical feasibility of mass production.
When Lin Xiao lifted the last two militants, one in each hand, gently knocked their heads together, and let them slump limply to the ground, the valley finally fell silent. Standing among the bodies strewn everywhere, Lin Xiao dusted off his hands, then looked down at his princess dress. Bullets had punched several holes through its hem, one white knee-high sock was torn, and the bow hung crookedly to one side, but the outfit was still mostly intact. He took a deep breath, and pink light shone around him again-then, like fading color, it began dissipating into the air bit by bit, starting from the hem.
Five seconds later, Lin Xiao was back to normal.
His blue bodysuit and red underwear reappeared, soaked with sweat and clinging to him, outlining every muscle. He bent down to pick up the magic wand from the ground, carefully wiped the dirt off it, and tucked it behind his waist. Then he turned and walked toward Tony and Yinsen.
"All done. Let's go. There's a Humvee outside."
Tony emerged from the Mark I, its back armor springing open with a soft hiss from the hydraulic rods. He stood beside the scrap-metal shell, his expression incredibly complicated.
"You just," Tony began, his voice a little hoarse, "did a dance. In a princess dress. With twin tails."
"Yep."
"Then sang a song in God knows what language."
"A transformation incantation."
"Then took thirty seconds to beat down all those dozens of men outside."
"More or less." Lin Xiao scratched his head. "Time was a little tight. I might've missed a few. But the ones who ran probably won't dare come back anytime soon, and they're all injured too." He paused, his tone becoming serious. "Tony, you've suffered these past three months. We can go home and talk as much as we want now, okay?"
Tony looked at his sincere face, at his hair matted into a bird's nest by sweat and sand, then at his red underpants. The words on his lips stuck for several seconds before he finally swallowed them. He made no more snide remarks, only reached out and gave Lin Xiao's arm a heavy pat.
"Come on. Get us out of here."
Yinsen followed silently behind. As he reached Lin Xiao's side, his steps paused. He looked up at the burly man two heads taller than himself, hesitated for a moment, then said quietly, "Thank you."
Yinsen hurried to catch up.
The three walked out of the valley. Sure enough, a Humvee was parked outside the camp. Its body had several bullet holes, but the tires were intact, and the hood was still warm. Lin Xiao opened the driver's door and moved the seat back three full notches before climbing in. Tony took the passenger seat, and Yinsen sat in the back, both slumping into their seats as though drained of all strength.
The engine roared to life. Lin Xiao hit the gas, and the Humvee hurtled east. Its headlights split the darkness. In the rearview mirror, the burning camp grew smaller and farther away until it became a blurry orange-red speck on the horizon.
The cabin stayed quiet for a long while, with only the sound of tires crunching over gravel and the low rumble of the engine.
"That transformation thing you just used," Tony suddenly said, his voice especially clear in the quiet cabin, "you're never allowed to use it again."
"Why?"
"It'll give me nightmares."
A low laugh came from Yinsen in the back seat, one he had been holding in for a long time.
Lin Xiao laughed along, his hands on the steering wheel. The corners of his mouth rose so high he could not force them down. It was not because of Tony's quip, but because the voice in his head had finally sounded.
"Ding-five-star mission 'Rescue Tony Stark' completed. Mission rating: S. Calculating rewards-"
The rewards he had waited three whole months for were almost in his hands. Gripping the steering wheel, Lin Xiao fought the urge to rub his hands together and silently called out, Come on, Doupao. Give me something proper this time.
Tony turned to look at Lin Xiao's profile.
"You said you spent three months looking for me?"
"Yep." Lin Xiao kept his eyes on the road ahead, without so much as a blush or a racing heartbeat. "Three whole months. Looking the entire time." He released the steering wheel and pulled two bottles of glucose solution from his bodysuit with one hand, passing one toward the back seat. "Yinsen, catch."
Yinsen caught the bottle and froze for a moment. "Thank you," he said, then tipped his head back and took a swig.
Lin Xiao handed the other bottle to Tony.
Tony accepted the glucose solution. He looked down at the little bottle and remained silent for a long while.
Then he unscrewed the cap and drank half the bottle in one go. When he lowered it, his eyes were filled with little points of light as he looked at Lin Xiao.