He did not know how to vent his feelings to her, either, and so sank into a resentment he could not express.
He grew angry with himself.
What had gotten into him now, out of nowhere?
Lou Yun felt a headache coming on. When she was young, she had heard other women say that young men's thoughts were hard to fathom, but she had thought nothing of it then. With her status, why would she ever need to guess what someone else was thinking?
It had always
been others kneeling on the ground, trembling as they tried to divine her thoughts.
She had never imagined that, in another world, the wheel of fortune would turn, leaving her frazzled over trying to guess someone else's thoughts.
Strangely enough, she felt no impatience at all when trying to fathom Pei Qing's thoughts. Seeing him hurt and upset made her anxious too. When he cried, one moment she wanted to make him cry harder, and the next she could not bear to see him shed a tear.
Being delicate often went hand in hand with being troublesome, but the young man's delicacy and troubles were like a game she could never tire of playing. All she wanted was to advance another inch, then another, to see what other sides of him there were.
The way the young man cautiously, carefully tested her limits was just like a little creature stepping into a new home.
She was happy to watch him try a little, explore a little. He was simply too timid. Sometimes, when she could not wait any longer, she wanted to use other means to give him a tug and make him take a great step forward.
Ah!
Lou Yun, who had lived two lifetimes with a pure heart and few desires, recognized with utter clarity at that moment that she had fallen.
But the relationship between Lou Ze'an and Pei Qing remained a thorn in her heart.
Lou Yun's expression turned cold again.
If they truly had feelings for each other, and Lou Ze'an could still return, she... she still wanted to fight for herself.
Across two lifetimes, she had only ever fallen for this one person. She had no reason not to try. Besides, having been an emperor for so long, she was hardly a good person. If, in the end, she could not restrain herself and forcibly married him, that was not beyond the realm of possibility.
An image suddenly surfaced in her mind of the young man, kept captive by her, washing his face with tears every day in the rear courtyard.
Forget it. If those two had feelings for each other, and Pei Qing had not transferred his affections to her, she would fly far away, leave the capital far behind, and never have anything to do with either of them again for the rest of her life.
If they had no feelings for each other, then after troubling her for so long these past days, should the young man not repay her with something? His first confession, for instance? Something along those lines.
Lou Yun still had her pride deep in her bones. Deliberately currying favor and carefully ingratiating herself with someone was beyond her.
Even someone she liked.
For her to stoop to letting Pei Qing go when he liked Lou Ze'an was already a tremendous act of grace.
Her former self probably really would have broken Pei Qing's wings, kept him captive in the palace, and forced him to wag his tail and beg for her mercy.
Chapter 10
"N-no... that's not it."
"What's not?" Having sorted out her own thoughts, Lou Yun felt thoroughly refreshed, and some interest in teasing him arose as well.
"Not a monster."
His timid, bashful words were like a butterfly alighting on a flower's heart, stirring a swaying ripple.
Lou Yun felt a little unsettled herself. She raised the glistening tear clinging to her knuckle before Pei Qing's face and teased, "Oh? Then why is the Imperial Preceptor crying again?"
As though destroying the evidence, the young man reached out to cover the hand she had deliberately raised and wiped away the tear. Turning his head aside, he stubbornly denied it. "I'm not. You saw wrong."
Lou Yun stared at his scarlet ear tips and curled her lips, but did not let the awkward man before her brush the matter aside so easily.
Pinching his chin, she met his eyes and asked, "Why were you crying?"
Though the woman looked slender, her grip was immensely strong, forcibly confining him to the tiny space between her and the chair.
Unable to struggle free, Pei Qing found himself in a situation that felt exceedingly dangerous.
Lou Yun waited quite patiently for a while, but he still did not answer.
Very well. She would have to correct this wretched habit of refusing to speak someday.
Frowning, she loosened her fingers, intending to let him off.
Her fingertips slipped away from his skin, revealing the chin she had pinched red. That glaring red drew Lou Yun's gaze.
Lou Yun's expression darkened. The pad of her finger slid from his chin to the corner of his mouth, then returned to the red marks she had left. The beast in her heart stirred restlessly, clamoring for her to press harder, harder still.
To leave a mark there that could never be erased, a mark that belonged to... no, belonged exclusively to her.
"Today... you deliberately kept your distance from me all morning."
The hurt and discontent in the young man's misty eyes, which he had not managed to conceal in time, instantly brought Lou Yun back to her senses just as she was about to act on the brutality within her.
But once she understood his words, the surprise and excitement that followed gradually engulfed her.
Secretly delighted, Lou Yun carefully examined the man she had forcibly enclosed in her arms.
The young man was embarrassed at having voiced the words he had kept buried in his heart. Both hands clutched his robes tightly, his eyes fluttered, and even his jaw was taut with nerves.
With his head lowered, she could not make out his expression, but at such close quarters she could still sense that he was trembling constantly.
Trembling? Why? Had she frightened him?
A trace of puzzlement flashed through her eyes. Every movement the young man made was beyond her expectations.
But if this alone was enough to frighten Pei Qing, should she be gentler next time?
For the first time, the female emperor who had been called a tyrant in her previous life wanted to be a little gentler with someone.
Meanwhile, having spoken his true feelings aloud, Pei Qing could only think: I'm done for!
I'm done for! I actually said something so childish out loud.
Lou Yun must think I'm terribly childish. Twenty-two years old, yet still sulking just because I felt neglected.
She must think I'm unbearably troublesome.
To think the great Imperial Preceptor of Great Yan was like this in private. Crying because I couldn't control my emotions-it was simply too humiliating for Great Yan.
Would Lou Yun stop... stop taking me to Rain Ripple Pavilion now?
Would she never want to see me again?
Pei Qing sank into wild suspicions about Lou Yun and disgust and despair toward himself, looking all the more sorrowful.
Watching the air around Pei Qing grow ever heavier, Lou Yun's heart softened. Gently pinching the soft flesh of his cheek, she asked, "Why are you trembling? Are you afraid of me?"
As she asked that last question, Lou Yun's voice actually wavered a little. From the bottom of her heart, she neither hoped nor wished for the young man to fear her.
She did not care if everyone under heaven dreaded and feared her. One could even say she preferred that they fear her, as it helped consolidate the dynasty.
But Pei Qing was to be the person beside her pillow. Even though both her father in her previous life and her mother consort in this life had feared their husbands, she selfishly did not want Pei Qing to fear her.
As for why, she could not figure it out now, nor did it matter. As long as she kept pampering him and cherishing him, surely she could make him unafraid of her.
Thinking this, Lou Yun watched the emotions of the man in her arms with a grave expression.
The young man did not answer, only sobbed quietly.
I still frightened him, didn't I? After pondering for a moment, she wanted to coax him.
The beautiful, noble immortal from the moon shook his head wildly in her arms. The blue-green earrings hanging from his ears struck each other with a crisp, pleasing chime, and the soft flesh pinched between her fingers was forced red by his vigorous movements. Lou Yun instinctively let go.
Then she heard Pei Qing say, "No..."
No what?
"I'm not afraid of you." The young man's voice was quiet, but exceptionally clear.
Not because he feared her? Then why? What else could make someone tremble with fear like this?
An almost impossible explanation took shape in Lou Yun's mind.
Was it because... he cared? Because he cared too much and could not bear the consequences of losing her, was he so afraid that he trembled all over?
Pei Qing, was that why?
With an expectation even she did not recognize, Lou Yun patiently guided Pei Qing. Their roles abruptly reversed, as though she were the Imperial Preceptor of Great Yan, "imparting wisdom and resolving doubts" for her student.
"Hmm? Pei Qing, tell me. Why did you cry because I kept my distance from you?"
The woman's words were like crushed poppies, their red juices carrying an alluring fragrance through the air, twining around his arms, winding between his fingers, passing over his lips, and finally climbing to the tip of his nose, leaving him addicted. It was as though a bottomless abyss lay at his feet. Though his body was already trembling with instinctive fear, his mind could not help wanting to walk forward, willingly falling into the trap prepared for him long ago.
"It's..." the young man mumbled. His head felt as though thick millet porridge had glued everything into a lump. Hesitating and agonizing, he could not give an answer.
"What is it? Pei Qing, tell me, all right? What sort of relationship would make you cry over being kept at a distance?"
Lou Yun stroked the young man's face, caressing it carefully, and gently lifted his chin, gazing tenderly yet firmly at Pei Qing, whose thoughts were already in complete disarray.
It was a gaze like one given to a beloved, carrying a beguiling quality, enticing and encouraging her lover to boldly voice what was in his heart.
Woefully inexperienced in matters of emotion, how could Pei Qing withstand such an onslaught from Lou Yun? Utterly routed, he answered hesitantly:
"F-friends."
Lou Yun abruptly tightened her fingers, leaving the glaring red marks she had long coveted on the young man's cheek. Clearly deeply dissatisfied with this answer, she said coldly, "Who cries like this just because a friend kept their distance for one morning?"
Pei Qing winced in pain, tears clinging to the corners of his eyes. Stumped by Lou Yun's question, his eyes grew even more panicked, yet he could think of no answer. In the end, for some reason, he thought of Lou Ze'an. He and Lou Ze'an were close friends, and a close friend's younger sister ought to count as his own younger sister too, so his relationship with Lou Yun was: "
Then... brother and sister?"
"Whose younger sister treats her older brother like this?" Exasperated, Lou Yun pinched Pei Qing's chin and shook his head along with her hand, signaling for him to think it over again.
Pei Qing grew dizzy from her shaking. To keep himself from becoming too disheveled, he hurriedly reached out to hold the woman's wrist and asked uncertainly, "Sovereign and subject?"