"Yes."
Seeing Lou Yun standing there perfectly well, the others finally let their hearts settle back into their bellies and dispersed.
Once the water had been brought up, Lou Yun had intended to ask Shutang to request leave from court for her. Then she remembered the commotion Pei Qing had caused yesterday. A thief had broken into the Ministry of Rites last night, Jin Yu had just shot the intruder, and she would be requesting leave today. How would that be any different from confessing without being questioned?
Pei Qing evidently thought the same. They stood on opposite sides of the imperial audience hall, gazing at each other from afar-or, more precisely, the Imperial Preceptor alone was gazing at Lou Yun. Lou Yun was exhausted; simply standing here took all she had. She truly had no energy to spare for anything else.
After such a major incident yesterday, even the bedridden Lou Qing had been obliged to drag himself up to attend court. The newly appointed Minister of Rites was the first to step forward and report:
"Your Majesty, a thief raided the Ministry of Rites last night, targeting the candidates' examination papers. Though our failure to detect the intruder allowed them to escape by luck, Guard Jin shot an arrow into their right shoulder. We should be able to apprehend them before long."
"Cough, cough, cough... good. Now... cough, cough, cough... the pressing matter is to inspect the candidates' papers promptly, to uphold the fairness of the imperial examinations," Lou Qing said from behind the beaded curtain.
Before the Minister of Rites could reply, another official from the ministry suddenly stepped forward. "Your Majesty, I inspected the candidates' papers this morning and found that the top three papers had not been touched. The other candidates' papers had only been shifted slightly. Presumably, this too was
because Guard Jin discovered the intruder in time. To keep the scholars from growing uneasy, it would be best to post the results sooner."
"That is mistaken!" the Minister of Rites countered. "If we post the results without even investigating, the scholars may also grow suspicious and harbor doubts about the court. It would be better to verify the papers."
The two traded arguments in court for a long while. In the end, seeing that enough time had passed, Pei Qing spoke up to interrupt their dispute.
"Your Majesty, I believe it would be best to review the papers again to ensure the fairness of the imperial examinations."
When the official from the Ministry of Rites heard Pei Qing speak, he thought, This is bad. Unwilling to concede, he wanted to argue further, but Lou Qing interrupted him. "In that case, we shall follow the Imperial Preceptor's advice and review the papers again. The Minister of Rites, the Imperial Preceptor, and the Chancellor shall examine them together."
"Yes, we obey Your Majesty's decree. Long live Your Majesty, for ten thousand years, ten thousand years, ten thousand times ten thousand years."
Lou Yun had not slept all night. Her head was throbbing fiercely now, her mind a muddle. She could only vaguely sense that matters were developing as the young man wished. Her heart eased, and she felt a little comforted.
At least the wound in Pei Qing's right shoulder and her night-long bout of illness had not been for nothing.
Though a great weight had been lifted from his mind, there was no joy on the young man's face. He still remembered how Lou Yun had stormed away in anger yesterday.
No matter how many times he looked toward her today, he received no response. After court, Pei Qing followed behind Lou Yun, hoping that the person ahead might turn around at some point, even if only to glance at him. He truly never wanted to experience being ignored like this again.
Of course Lou Yun knew Pei Qing was following her. At first, she even slowed down to wait for him to catch up, but she waited and waited, and that familiar figure never appeared beside her. What? After causing such a huge incident, was he still waiting for her to speak first?
Lou Yun was deeply irritated, and her body kept signaling its need for rest. In the end, she really did ignore the young man following her and went straight home.
Pei Qing, who had been only an instant away from catching hold of Lou Yun, stared blankly at the palm that had brushed past her sleeve, unable for a moment to grasp the fact that he had been left behind.
He blinked again and again. Tears silently spilled past the corners of his eyes, his lashes trembling uncontrollably like fluttering butterfly wings. Pei Qing stood rooted like an ancient tree beneath the boundless heavens. Flurries of snow gradually covered the young man and accumulated around his feet, pierced now and then by crystalline teardrops that made shallow pits before vanishing.
The head eunuch serving Lou Qing emerged from the hall. Seeing Pei Qing looking as though heaven and earth had abandoned him, he dismissed all the nearby attendants, then sent someone outside the palace to find the Imperial Preceptor's attendant.
Mo Chi had waited and waited at the carriage, but his master never came. He paced anxiously. Even if his master had other matters to discuss with His Majesty, this was taking far too long. His master's shoulder was still injured; it would be better to return home sooner.
Just as he was about to enter the palace to look for him himself, the person sent by the head eunuch found Mo Chi.
"Young Mo Chi, your master is waiting for you in front of the imperial audience hall."
"Yes, yes, thank you!" After giving his thanks, Mo Chi hurried over and saw Pei Qing, who had nearly become a snowman.
"Master!" When had Mo Chi ever seen Pei Qing so helpless? He looked like a toddler just learning to walk, abandoned in the street by a heartless parent after barely managing a few steps, unable to move forward or retreat.
"Let's go home, all right? Home." His heart aching, the young attendant brushed the accumulated snow off Pei Qing as he coaxed him.
Pei Qing was completely submerged in the abyss of having been rejected, unable even to perceive where he truly was. Hearing the familiar voice beside his ear, he turned woodenly, but how could a body that had remained motionless for so long withstand such a sudden movement?
He staggered and fell straight onto Mo Chi. Under the combined strain on his body and mind, Pei Qing finally fainted.
His last words before losing consciousness were still, "Please, don't leave me behind again."
Chapter 41
Where was he?
He seemed to have fainted. Before that... had Mo Chi been beside him?
His body felt warm, entirely free of the piercing chill from before he lost consciousness.
Yes, he had clearly been standing in the snow, in the snow where Lou Yun had abandoned him...
Warmth welled up in his eyes again. Pei Qing turned slightly to let the pillow hide his tears, as though he could pretend someone had wiped them away for him.
"Ah."
A soft sigh came from beside him, carrying a trace of the familiar voice Pei Qing yearned for so desperately in his dreams.
Pei Qing's eyes flew open. Seeing an utterly familiar figure sitting beside him, he blinked repeatedly in disbelief, and tears instantly spilled from his eyes.
Lou Yun's outstretched hand visibly paused when she saw more tears welling up in the young man's eyes. A helpless smile appeared on her face.
She wiped away the teardrops clinging to the corners of his eyes, her voice gentle. "Why are you crying again?"
Perhaps the woman's voice was too gentle, giving Pei Qing the courage to speak his heart.
He clutched the sleeve of the person beside him so tightly that it seemed she would dissolve like smoke the moment he let go.
He struggled to crawl toward Lou Yun, disregarding all propriety between men and women. He only wanted Lou Yun to pay him some attention, not to leave him alone where he was again.
So cold. It was truly so cold.
He crawled onto Lou Yun's lap, his tears soaking her robes. Pei Qing only wept, repeating over and over, "I was wrong. Please don't leave me behind again."
"I shouldn't have kept it from you..."
"Please pay me some attention-"
"Ah." Even if Lou Yun's anger had towered to the heavens, Pei Qing's pitiful puppy-like state had doused it with a bucket of water. There was ice mixed into that water too, scraping painfully against her.
She stroked the sobbing man's soft-haired head, again and again.
The person beneath her palm seemed to quiet beneath those gentle, firm strokes.
"Lou Yun." Pei Qing's voice was hoarse from crying, like green earth after rain, fresh from being washed clean yet still damp.
He drew out the words slightly, that brief call carrying attachment, fear, and hope.
"Mm, I'm here."
Those few words rendered all Lou Yun's earlier efforts useless. Pei Qing's eyes reddened again in an instant.
"Why are you crying again?" Lou Yun wiped the redness at the corners of his eyes, half helpless and half heartbroken.
"I'm not. I won't cry anymore. I won't." Pei Qing shook his head frantically and wiped away his tears, watching Lou Yun through misty eyes, afraid she would be angry.
He did not want to upset Lou Yun again. One night so hard to endure was enough.
"Be good." Lou Yun pressed Pei Qing back onto her lap, her voice slow and gentle. "I'm not forbidding you to cry. I just can't bear to see you cry."
"Are you tired of me?" Pei Qing suddenly raised his head and tried to sit up, only for Lou Yun to press him back down without allowing any argument.
Forced to remain lying on her lap, Pei Qing asked with pleading eyes.
Lou Yun let out a soft laugh. This child-how did his mind work?
"Wrong. I'm not tired of you."
If she was not tired of him, then what was it? Lou Yun did not say, but Pei Qing vaguely understood something. Without speaking, he nuzzled against her, reassured in her embrace.
Lou Yun's fingers shifted on Pei Qing's head. She was uncertain whether to tell him that she had not deliberately left him there that night. But if she told him, she would have to mention this madness.
She wound a strand of Pei Qing's hair around her fingers and rubbed it. The young man lay softly across her lap, impossibly docile.
Tell him, Lou Yun thought.
After all, the way he had been so ready to march to his death last time hardly suggested he would fear her madness. Besides, if she did not explain things clearly, she kept feeling that he would overthink them.
"Pei Qing," Lou Yun said gently.
"Mm?" Pei Qing lifted his head slightly.
"I didn't deliberately leave you behind that day." Lou Yun took his earlobe between her fingers, kneading and toying with it.
The young man obediently offered her his earlobe. His eyes reddened slightly at her words, and he opened his mouth, wanting to say, It's all right. It's all all right. That you're still willing to pay me attention now is already wonderful.
"My madness flared up."
The woman's tone was calm, as though she had not been the one who lost her reason last time and raged until her strength gave out.
"It flared up again?" Forgetting his ear, Pei Qing sprang up. Fortunately, Lou Yun withdrew her hand quickly enough, or he would have been hurt.
"Again?" Lou Yun held him in her arms and asked at leisure.
Pei Qing hesitated a little. "Last time, weren't you also..."
True, Pei Qing was a physician too. There was no reason he would fail to recognize that she was ill.
"Yes, last time too."
Lou Yun drew him into her arms and counted her recent episodes and the circumstances surrounding them, discovering that each episode had brought her relationship with Pei Qing a step further.
This madness had actually become a catalyst for her and Pei Qing's
feelings.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry, Lou Yun pinched Pei Qing's cheeks and tugged them from side to side.