The Ultimate Cringeworthy Past Exposé

Chacha: [Let me check... %#￥...]

Shen Anxin was surprised. [Chacha, what's wrong? Did you freeze up?]

Chacha: [Unable to retrieve the information. There seems to be a small bug. I'll have to report it to the main system and get a patch.]

Shen Anxin was speechless. Could her system really be a defective product? It had failed to bind and gone dormant at first, and now it had gaps in its information too.

Chacha seemed to sense her host's doubts and promptly offered an analysis: [According to the data, those two are most likely arguing about grain and pay for the border troops again. After all, it's like this every time they appear together. Neither gives an inch, and they wait for the emperor to mediate. It's practically a regular feature at court.]

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. They'd gotten past it.

Shen Anxin didn't think much of it. It wasn't important anyway, so she went back to savoring the gossip.

[Those two are pretty interesting. If they weren't always at each other's throats, they wouldn't have inspired the court historian duo.]

The court historian duo: Please, stop bringing us up. We really know we were wrong.

Now even the emperor knew. Who knew how he'd punish them later!

General Wu and Minister Zheng, meanwhile, shot each other resentful looks.

That's right! This is his fault too! Who told him to keep picking fights with me?!

Minister Zheng thought General Wu was utterly unreasonable. Great Qi wasn't Southern Xia, swimming in riches and able to allocate as much money as it pleased. If it all went to military expenses, what about the people's livelihoods and development?

General Wu, on the other hand, thought the soldiers risked life and limb on the frontier to defend Great Qi. Military funding absolutely could not be short by a single coin! Otherwise, how disheartening would that be?

Both had a point, and neither would give way. They even believed the other's objections were really just a way to settle a personal grudge under the guise of official business.

At that thought, Minister Zheng muttered, "It's all that brainless brute's fault."

Unfortunately, General Wu had sharp ears and blew up on the spot. "What did you call me?! You stinking abacus!"

Everyone: Why are they arguing again? Aren't they afraid they'll inspire someone else?

The sudden quarrel startled Shen Anxin too.

[What's with those two? They act like they have a grudge. Could they really be political enemies?]

General Wu and Minister Zheng instantly sensed trouble. Their backs stiffened, and they looked at each other in alarm, already wondering whether they should hurry and act like good brothers to dispel Shen Anxin's doubts.

But it was too late.

Chacha: [Host, host! I couldn't find out what happened just now, but I found some juicy gossip about those two. Want to hear it?]

Shen Anxin: [What? The storybook gossip wasn't their juiciest secret?]

Chacha: [There's an even juicier one.]

Shen Anxin: [Even juicier? Then... then let's hear it.]

General Wu and Minister Zheng: No!

The two had just started to move when they saw Emperor Hongyao watching them calmly from his seat above.

They immediately calmed down, sweat pouring down their faces. As trusted ministers who had attended a private meeting with Emperor Hongyao the previous night, they knew perfectly well he wouldn't allow them to stop Shen Anxin from spilling the gossip.

After all, who knew whether what she revealed might be information harmful to Great Qi? If they stopped her at a time like this, it would look suspicious, and Emperor Hongyao would surely doubt their loyalty.

Besides, there was no time left for them to think of a countermeasure.

Chacha: [Actually, the two of them once had a secret relationship they couldn't tell anyone about.]

Shen Anxin: [What, what?! Is it the kind of relationship I'm thinking of?]

The onlookers eating melon: !!!!!! Thunderbolts from a clear sky.

They hadn't expected an upgraded version after the storybook!!!!

General Wu and Minister Zheng turned deathly pale. With a headline like that, they might as well give up struggling.

Shen Anxin's gaze was pinned to the backs of the two men in front of her. [Has the storybook come to life? Were the court historian duo's eyes that sharp? There's no smoke without fire. Is the CP everyone ships real?!]

Chacha: [Don't get excited, host. It's not quite what you're thinking.]

Shen Anxin: [Stop keeping me in suspense. Tell me!]

Chacha: [General Wu and Minister Zheng were both students at White Horse Academy. They were in the same year, leading figures in the literary and martial schools respectively. They knew each other, but didn't get along because one was a scholar and the other a martial artist.]

Shen Anxin: [So they were bickering lovebirds even back then.]

General Wu and Minister Zheng: What love? What birds? Aaaah, we're going to die! What are you shipping us for?!

Chacha: [They both had younger sisters, and by coincidence, each fell for the other's sister at first sight. But neither wanted to go to the other to ask for her hand, because they knew the other would certainly stop them! So they found someone to act as a go-between. One sent poems as gifts, and the other sent books in return. Back and forth it went, until they gradually began exchanging letters.]

Shen Anxin: [Wait, I have a bad feeling about this.]

The onlookers eating melon: What happened? Why does she have a bad feeling? Could it be that, as older brothers, they found out their sisters were being courted and each took a stick to the other's lovebirds? After all, everyone knows the two families have never been joined by marriage.

General Wu and Minister Zheng had already closed their eyes.

Chacha: [Host, you've read so many melodramatic stories, you must have guessed it. That's right, they got the wrong people.]

The onlookers eating melon: Wh... what?!!!

General Wu and Minister Zheng were already resting in peace.

Chacha: [Both families had a son and a daughter. Minister Zheng's manservant took the poems to the go-between and said they were from the Zheng family's young master to the one from the Wu family.

The go-between assumed the two families had an understanding, so he went to a servant of the Wu family and simply said they were from the one from the Zheng family to the one from the Wu family.

And that servant just happened to attend General Wu, so he took them straight to him.

The moment General Wu received the poems and heard they were from the Zheng family, he immediately thought of Miss Zheng and prepared a gift in return.

As things went back and forth, the two servants and the go-between all thought they had delivered everything to the right person for their respective parties. A silent understanding quickly formed: they kept their heads down and only passed the things along. After all, this sort of thing had to be kept away from prying eyes.]

The onlookers eating melon were dumbstruck.

What? What? It wasn't just a simple case of mistaken identity? They took each other for their sweetheart?!

Was this human speech?

Were these words a person could say?!

Mind-blowing. This was too mind-blowing!!!!

Shen Anxin: [Holy... crap! That go-between, did he just change a couple of words? He changed the course of both their lives! How is that any different from the Old Man of the Moon getting drunk and tying the wrong red threads together?!]

General Wu and Minister Zheng sprang back from the dead. That's right! It was all that go-between's fault for insisting on changing those two words!!!!!

They had looked for him afterward, only to find that he'd earned enough money running errands for the two of them to return to his hometown, marry a wife, and happily start a new life. He had no idea what a mess he'd left behind.

Shen Anxin: [So through this whole mix-up, the two became pen pals and just started a romance, fresh as a pair of daisies? Didn't they notice anything wrong in all those letters?]

Chacha: [To avoid accidentally damaging the other's reputation, they addressed each other only as "you" and "I." They never mentioned names or left any clear evidence of their identities in the letters.]

Shen Anxin: [...They were pretty considerate about that. But didn't they get a chance to see each other's sisters? Wouldn't they have figured it out if they had?]

Chacha: [Even when they saw them, they had no chance to speak to them alone. When their eyes didn't meet, each thought the other was shy and only dared watch from afar. Besides, both of them warned their own sisters to stay away from the other.]

Shen Anxin: [Pfft, that's really wicked. They coveted each other's sisters but wouldn't let anyone take a fancy to their own. If they hadn't thought that way, they probably would've discovered the truth ages ago. What about gifts, then? They both thought the other was a woman. Surely they must have sent something meant for a young lady at some point.]

Chacha: [They did send such things later on, but each thought the other had sent a personal belonging as a token of love. They were moved to tears and swore in their hearts not to let the other down.]　　The onlookers eating melon: Numb. We're really numb. How did they still not figure it out? The Old Man of the Moon must have tied the wrong red threads together, and used the sturdiest damn hemp rope to do it!

Shen Anxin: [Pfft... hahaha! I'm really going to die laughing. These two... they really don't use their brains when they're in love. Could they really have been head over heels?]

General Wu and Minister Zheng: No, we need to die again.

Chacha: [They really were head over heels at the time. After all, the relationship went on for two years. When they received each other's gifts, they thought their feelings were settled, so they agreed to meet and discuss how to bring up marriage with their families.]

Shen Anxin: [They're finally meeting in person! Oh heavens, if only there were a video. I really want to see their faces when they realize they got the wrong person and have been romancing their mortal enemy. It must have been spectacular!]

The onlookers eating melon: You're taking far too much pleasure in their misfortune. Although... we really are... curious... We don't even have to imagine how spectacular it was.

But the expressions on General Wu and Minister Zheng's faces as they kept their eyes shut were enough.

This was the ultimate cringeworthy past exposé!