A poem goes:
On a moonless, windy night, at the third watch.
A lone man and woman, dry kindling...
Ahem, I mean, the moment Yanye, a middle-aged, single male lolicon loser, met Jizi, a young, single female lolicon loser, they immediately found common ground, like dry kindling meeting... you know.
So Yanye's excitement was perfectly understandable, wasn't it?
"Understandable, sure, but Comrade Yanye, could you get your position straight? I'm the one in control here! Keep your filthy hands to yourself!"
Although Jizi had been the one to put an arm around Yanye's shoulders at first, that had only been to make it easier to hold him hostage. Being pinned beneath him like this now was... such a disgusting feeling!
"..." He continued staring at Jizi with a crazed expression, offering no response whatsoever.
"You don't seriously think you've got me under control like this, do you? I'll kick—"
"Cough, cough, cough..."
"Damn it, don't cough up blood! I didn't even use any force! With skills like that, you could make a career in China faking injuries!... Hm? It seems real. You're even coughing up something that looks like shit... Oh, those are bugs, not shit... Say, Yanye, do you actually know what state your body is in right now?"
"Doesn't matter... cough, cough, you said... urgh... cough cough cough... said... cough cough..."
"I'll talk, I'll talk, just steady yourself first, okay? Your internal organs are already seriously crippled, and you get worked up so easily. You just used so much strength too—you've got an even bigger death wish than I do! Take a breath, breathe deeply. I won't touch you either. Let's just talk like this, okay?"
Thus, so Yanye would not cough himself to death, Jizi could only begin the final discussion of the night in this awkward position. Jizi: Author, can't you put even a little effort into your wording?
"First of all, your ultimate goal is to save little lo—Sakura, right? Then your entire course of action is wrong, young man."
"...!"
"Calm down! Don't talk, listen to my analysis. Don't look like you're about to cough up blood again! Look, you want to use the Holy Grail as a bargaining chip to get Sakura back, right? Never mind whether you can win or not. Let's assume you achieve the final victory. Then what?"
?_?
"Don't look at me with that blank expression! You won! The Holy Grail is yours! It's an omnipotent wish-granting device! You can have anything you want! So why the hell would you give it to that old bastard? You're the Master! The Command Spells are in your hands! Once you have the Holy Grail, whether you want to toy Tokiomi to death, toy Zouken to death, play creepy father games with Sakura and Rin, rule the world, live forever, pick from three thousand beauties, shatter the void, obtain girls' panties, or even get slippery, wet, sticky smoke(①), it's all up to you!"
:-O
"...Don't look like you've just had some great revelation! Had that possibility really never occurred to you?"
→_→
"...Why are you guiltily looking away? You seriously never considered it at all? Did a dog eat your brain?"
-_-||
"Fine, fine. Love makes people lose their heads. Whenever it involves their goddess, the intelligence of losers and backup guys drops offline. I know that much. But now you understand, right? You know what to do now, right?"
"..." (Nods.)
"Get your face away from me! How the hell are you nodding in this position? Hm? Your breathing is much smoother now. Looks like you can move already?"
"..." (Nods.)
"I said stop nodding! Would it kill you to make a sound? And if you can move, get off me already. Are you having that much fun riding me?"
"But Caster, according to the pact you just proposed, it seems you don't need to fulfill any obligations at all?" Although he was grateful to Caster for enlightening him, and gaining an ally was certainly a good thing, Kariya Matou still raised this question after reading the so-called contract. After all, it concerned Sakura, so he had to be cautious.
"Hehe, why are you suddenly so smart now?" Jizi mocked him without mercy. After enjoying the embarrassed look on Yanye's face for a while, she finally answered directly. "I possess detailed intelligence on every Servant and Master in this war. Isn't that enough in exchange for your Berserker's formidable combat power?"
"Then at least show me some highly credible proof."
Damn! Yanye, you're not stupid. Then why were you such an idiot in the original story, letting that mapo priest fool you and then helping him sell crutches? After silently mocking him, Jizi casually snapped her fingers. "Then let me show you my intelligence-gathering ability, said to rival Baidu! Tell your Berserker to appear!"
"Roar~~"
Within a black whirlwind of Mana, Yangtze made another dazzling... all right, not dazzling entrance. Then let us say he made a silky-smooth entrance instead.
Jizi: "What's your name?"
Yanye: Fuck, this is supposed to be intelligence gathering? Never mind that Berserker has no sanity and won't answer—he wouldn't tell you even if he were sane, would he?
"Roar~~!"
Yanye: Just as expected. Hm?
Jizi: "Oh, so you're Lancelot, the one who stole your boss's wife and ultimately caused your Round Table crew to fall apart. King Arthur's famed foremost knight. An honor, an honor."
Yanye: ...What the hell is this? How did you extract that much information from one 'Roar~~!'?
Jizi: "So, how are your status parameters?"
"Roar~~~!"
Jizi: "Strength, Endurance, and Agility are all A, Mana is C, Luck is B, and your Noble Phantasm is also A. At this level, even Saber, the foremost of the Three Knight Classes, wouldn't be your match."
Yanye: Only the Master can view status parameters, right? How did you do that, Caster? Were ancient Magi all monsters?
Jizi: "Then what are your personal skills and Noble Phantasms?"
"Roar~!"
Jizi: "E-rank Magic Resistance—not terribly useful. Blessing of the Fairies looks decent, but its activation conditions are too restrictive. There is no such thing as 'martial glory' in a Holy Grail War. Eternal Arms Mastery... so that's why you can still display such exquisite martial skill after being driven mad. The Knight of the Lake truly lives up to his reputation. And you can turn weapons into Noble Phantasms, even dominate weapon-type Noble Phantasms belonging to others at their original rank? This ability suits me perfectly! The ability to disguise yourself—no wonder other Masters can't see your status. And taking on other appearances suits me perfectly too, doesn't it? And the grand finale—Arondight! This sword exists on the same level as Saber's holy sword, and it even possesses the Dragon-Slaying attribute. This... King Arthur seems to have had red dragon blood, didn't he? Hehe, history's little joke?"(②)
Yanye: This... feels like if I keep mocking her, I'll lose.
"Roar!"
Jizi: "So you didn't answer the summons for the Holy Grail either—could you stop being so compatible with me? You only want to be judged by your king? You and her really are... your personalities are both too... Sigh. Actually, if the two of you had just fought it out on a beach at sunset until your anger faded, you could have avoided most of the tragedies."(③)
"Roar..."
Jizi: "It's okay. This time, you two will definitely 'communicate' properly. I'll help you, so have some confidence!"
"Roar~ Roar~"
Jizi: "Don't worry about it. We're allies, after all."
Yanye: Don't just decide that on your own—I haven't acknowledged you as an ally... Wait, I said I wouldn't mock her anymore!
Watching the two Servants chatting happily in a manner he utterly failed to understand, Yanye shook his head with a wry smile. Meeting this seemingly unfathomable yet thoroughly unreliable Caster... perhaps the end of this war really could bring about that wish he himself had never believed could succeed. For some reason, he had such a premonition.
And when he noticed the curve of his lips, the man who had struggled in pain for so long thought that it had been a long time since he had smiled so freely.
"Comrade Yanye!"
Caster's call snapped Yanye out of his slightly dazed thoughts.
"What is it?"
"Berserker has agreed too, so let's settle our pact like this."
"When did he... Forget it. I feel like arguing with you would definitely drive me insane in the end. Since you say so, what else can I do? I know you truly bear no ill will." As though setting something down, Yanye replied, "Then I'll form an alliance with you."
"But..." Before Caster could continue, Yanye put on a grave, earnest expression and cut in, "The matter of Sakura, as stated in the pact..."
"That?" She waved a hand casually. "We can deal with it in a little while, but before that, there's still one thing."
"What?" Yanye felt a chill in his heart. What was this?
"As an ally, I'll give you another little perk. I've got something nice to show you." There was nothing dangerous in Caster's words, but why was his sense of foreboding growing stronger and stronger? Shaking his head, Yanye forced himself to act normal. "Then I really must tha—"
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
It... wasn't that he had nothing to say. He simply didn't know what he could possibly say. The black hood was removed, and the mask dissolved into a cloud of black smoke. What appeared before Yanye was an exquisitely beautiful face. Even Aoi... no, Aoi was the most beautiful... but before this face, could he really tell himself that with complete confidence?
"Pretty, isn't it?"
"Mm... no..." He nodded reflexively, then violently shook his head.
"Not pretty?"
"Pretty... but..."
"Don't worry, I know who your goddess is. But, Yanye, do you remember what you did just now?"
What he did... They had merely discussed an agreement... Wait, on the chair earlier! So this was the source of that danger sense that had been warning him all along...
"You actually let a man pin me underneath him! Yanye, I'll make sure Sakura and Berserker are taken care of. You can go meet Ai Enma now!"
"Hiten Mitsurugi-ryū - Amakakeru Ryū no Hirameki!" The blade flashing with cold light slashed through him without mercy.
① For the girls' panties matter, please refer to the story involving another omnipotent wish-granting device, the Dragon Balls. As for the slippery, wet, sticky, and smoke references, please refer to the story of Super Earthlings.
② This really is official setting.
③ This is also an official evaluation.
Behind the Scenes:
Jizi: "Cut that final 'Pretty, isn't it?' scene!"
Voice of Heaven: "That's the whole point of this chapter, okay? After all, our story is about a young girl's (lol) steadily vanishing moral integrity."
Jizi: "That wasn't what you told me when I accepted the role! Rather than this, I'd rather go play a frog at the Misty Lake!"
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