The Kitchen Without House-elves

"My name is Nelson—"

"I know who you are." Gioconda cut off Nelson's introduction. "I was still there when you got scolded in the office that day."

"Want some?" Gioconda pulled a pile of miscellaneous little things from her pocket, picked out two pieces of candy, and handed one to Nelson. "Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, strawberry flavor. They say it can make really big bubbles."

"They say?" Nelson accepted the gum. Having learned from Aberforth's example, he did not immediately put it in his mouth.

"Yes, they say." Gioconda tore open the wrapper of the other piece, tossed it into her mouth, and chewed as she slowly blew a huge purple bubble that made her look as though she had two heads. "Because I've never managed to blow one that big."

"Grape flavor?" Seeing this, Nelson unwrapped his own piece and began chewing as well. He had to admit that magical bubblegum was vastly different from ordinary bubblegum. At the very least, their flavor and texture were incomparable. The first bite felt like a bottle of fine strawberry jam exploding in his mouth, followed by a marshmallow-like softness that filled his mouth and tightened into a ball with every bite. Even the flavor faded somewhat, but whenever his teeth parted, the explosive texture and rich fruitiness conquered his entire mouth again. "Actually, that bubble is already really big."

"What are you thinking? It's purple cabbage flavor. Did you really think Hufflepuff would keep the tasty stuff for themselves?" Gioconda popped the bubble, rolled it back into her mouth with her tongue, and rolled her eyes at Nelson before blowing an even larger bubble. "Senior? Do I look that old to you?"

"Huh?" Nelson tilted his head. He secretly glanced at Gioconda's curvier, much taller figure, her wild dreadlocks, her strikingly balanced features, and her fair, rosy cheeks. The pink bubble she had just blown burst and splattered across his face, but he merely stood there with a bewildered expression. "You...? Could it be that we're in the same year?"

"No, I'm in seventh year." Seeing the horrified expression on her young schoolmate's face, Gioconda burst out laughing. "I'm teasing you! Look at you, like you've never seen the world before! But don't call me senior. It makes me sound so old. Call me little sister instead. That sounds younger."

"?" Nelson did not know what to say. He could only secretly move his Wand behind his back and turn a strand of hair on top of his head into the shape of a Question Mark.

"Hahahahaha!" Completely unconcerned with her image, Gioconda leaned against a barrel and clutched her stomach as she laughed. Then her wound struck the barrel, and the pain brought tears to her eyes. She covered the wound with one hand, collapsed onto the pile of barrels beside her, and rolled around crying and laughing. "Hahahaha, you... hahaha... you have to teach me... hahaha... that Transfiguration can be used like this too, hahaha..."

Nelson did not know whether he should help her up. He stood to one side, watching coldly while blowing bubbles.

"Hahaha..." Gioconda seemed to have laughed herself tired. Lying atop the barrels, she twitched like a stranded fish. She extended a hand toward Nelson, and he stepped forward and pulled her up.

"Senior, you and Professor Sakes...?" Nelson noticed that she shared a surname with the Ravenclaw Head of House he had just met and asked curiously.

"That's my sister. You saw it last time too—I was in her office." Gioconda sat on a barrel, raised her brows, and wore an expression that said, I'm so annoyed. "Remember, don't call me senior. Just call me Gioconda."

"Were you chatting through the fireplace with Floo Powder?" Nelson followed up.

"No, actually, she stuffed me into the fireplace. She abuses me at home." Gioconda turned to stare solemnly at Nelson and spoke in an earnest tone. "Could you help me write an anonymous report to the Wizengamot? Say that you personally witnessed Melissa Sakes, currently employed at Hogwarts, repeatedly abusing her younger sister, Gioconda Sakes, and that you hope the Wizengamot will judge her fairly and strip her of guardianship."

"Uh..." Nelson's mouth was covered by a bubble again.

"Hahaha, just kidding." Gioconda waved her hand and asked with a smile, "What are you doing in Hufflepuff? You even blocked the Common Room entrance."

"Sorry, Gioconda." Nelson glanced apologetically at the bandage on her forehead and explained, "I came to find the kitchen. I heard Hogwarts' kitchen was here."

"Oh, I knew it." Gioconda walked over to a huge still-life painting across the corridor. The barrel lid had bounced back from that very painting and hit her earlier. She felt around the painting. "Whenever you see a sneaky student near Hufflepuff, he must be looking for the kitchen."

"Pinch the apple's nose, then shake hands with the milk jug..." After a series of complicated actions, the still-life painting rose upward, revealing a huge opening wide enough for two people to pass through. "What a hassle. Before I graduate, I'm definitely going to paint over the mechanism on this picture."

Nelson watched the apple in the painting roll off the table with a rumble and hide beneath the tablecloth.

"It's inside. Come on in." Gioconda had already entered the kitchen. She seemed to have stuffed something into her mouth and mumbled indistinctly, "Didn't you eat dinner either?"

"I did. I came to make a pot of tea." Nelson followed her into the kitchen. Unlike the bustling scene of House-elves hard at work that he had imagined, he saw only a cozy room resembling a miniature Common Room. It was about twenty-three square meters, with walls built from large yellow bricks and a roaring fire in the fireplace. Though the room was small, its ceiling was high. A crystal chandelier filled with candles hung from the center of the lofty vaulted ceiling. Directly beneath it stood an old black oak table, surrounded neatly by chairs of the same material. An opener, a box of tissues, and two ashtrays sat on the table. Across from the opening behind the painting was a massive iron door left slightly ajar, occupying nearly half the wall. Red firelight leaked through the crack, accompanied by clattering sounds. It seemed that the place where they worked so busily was behind that door.

"What are you looking at?" Gioconda called to Nelson from the table and pulled out a chair. "Come sit."

"Okay." Nelson walked over and sat down, still looking around curiously.

"What's wrong? Is there something wrong with the kitchen?"

"No, it's great." Nelson picked up an ashtray from the table and turned it over in his hands. "I thought I'd see lots of House-elves working hard here."

"You want to see House-elves?" Gioconda asked in confusion. "What for? What's so interesting about them?"

"If there are no House-elves here, how do we get the food we want?"

"It's the same as the start-of-term feast. You just do this." Gioconda addressed the empty tabletop. "Bring me a double beef burger, extra pickles, please."

Before long, a silver platter appeared out of thin air on the table. On it sat a thick burger that was clearly far more than double-layered, with a tiny flag stuck into it. Gioconda grabbed the burger, flattened it with her hand, and took a huge bite.

"Mmm, delicious." She nodded, full of praise. "What do Americans know about burgers? Hogwarts should really open a branch campus over there and teach them a thing or two about food culture."

Nelson had no opinion on matters of food culture. Watching her eat made him a little hungry, so he followed suit and ordered a sandwich. "And make a pot of green tea. Remember to include a tea set and a basket. I'll take it with me after I eat."

"Nelson," Gioconda put down the burger, which was still more than half untouched, and looked as though her teeth hurt. "You're definitely going to live to a hundred."

With that, she picked up the burger and resumed her struggle. But she clearly had no appetite left; only her determination not to waste food was supporting her.

After finishing his sandwich, Nelson pulled out a tissue and wiped his hands. The crumbs, sandwich wrapper, and used tissue vanished the instant they touched the tabletop. After thinking for a moment, he stood and walked over to the iron door.

"What are you doing?" Gioconda called out to him as he reached for the door.

"I think I should thank them in person."

"If you really want to thank them, don't go in." She finished the burger, pulled out a tissue, and explained while patting her hands clean. "Gratitude does not fit their values. House-elves are used to giving and working. Your thanks would make them nervous and frightened. Not to mention that one of their principles is 'don't let the master see you.' If you go in and catch them, it'll be very awkward."

Nelson nodded, fully agreeing.

"Besides," Gioconda tossed the crumpled tissue onto the table in a graceful arc, "they're probably preparing tomorrow's breakfast right now. Making food and tea for two greedy students is troublesome enough. If you go in now, they'll have to come out together to greet you, and then all the work will have to be redone... Didn't you want tea? What you should do now is say the sandwich was delicious, then take the tea and leave."

Following her finger, Nelson saw the exquisite wooden box that had appeared on the table.

He walked over, picked up the wooden box, and followed Gioconda out through the opening. The huge still-life painting slowly lowered behind them.

"Gioconda, are you going upstairs too?"

"Yes. What a coincidence—I didn't expect us to be going the same way."

"Yes."

"Nelson, did you fall in love with my sister at first sight? Let me tell you, I won't date boys younger than me, much less one this much younger."

"You're overthinking it."

"Then why are you still following me?"

"I'm going to Professor Dumbledore's office."

"...What a coincidence. So am I."

My keyboard still hasn't arrived. Please excuse the phone typing. (I miss my old nine-key phone.)