Softness and Strength

The mission lasted two days without rest, and it wasn't until we had killed the last group of Sunagakure shinobi trying to sneak into the Land of Fire from the Land of Rain that we received the order to withdraw.

I was utterly exhausted, right on the brink of passing out.

The gap in strength was so great that I'd barely been any help. I'd only finished off a few vengeful souls clinging to life after being left for dead.

But mental exhaustion couldn't be cured by rest. Kusama Shigeo and I curled up in the wet bushes like two puppets, sitting there as if we'd lost our souls.

I clutched Murasame in my hand. Even the rain couldn't wash the filthy blood from its blade.

"Akatsuki, it's time to go back."

Through the curtain of rain, I sensed someone standing beside me, but I was too drained to respond. I just lowered my head and ignored them.

A dark figure moved closer. I felt something brought to my lips, and a bitter, cold object was fed into my mouth. It seemed like some kind of Chinese herbal pill.

"Bite down and swallow."

I resisted, but someone had me by the jaw and wouldn't let me move, so I could only obey. As soon as I bit down, waves of warmth spread through my body. Chakra filled my pathways, and my mind, which had been close to unraveling, began to calm.

"What is this?" I felt warmth spread through my whole body as I was pulled to my feet, swaying unsteadily.

"These are special military ration pills from Military Headquarters. I developed them myself, and they're only issued to our own people."

Orochimaru handed me a bamboo tube filled with pills of various colors.

"These are specially for you. Make good use of them."

I didn't want them, but the tube had already been pressed into my hand. Orochimaru tried to pat my head, but I dodged, so he smiled and withdrew his hand. Then he turned and flung a kunai into the ground at Kusama Shigeo's feet, saying coldly—

"Get up. Do you want to die here?"

A completely different attitude.

On the way back, I still trailed at the end of the line. The wind and rain beat down coldly as the trees flashed past. The journey seemed endless, and I was utterly worn out.

I rubbed my dry, gritty eyes and took out a military ration pill. As soon as I bit down, a sour bitterness filled my mouth, making saliva pool there. It suppressed my appetite even as it sent my chakra surging.

I glanced over at Kusama Shigeo. He'd lost all the confidence he'd shown on the way there. He leapt along beside me, exhausted, his short brown hair soaked through and his clothes stained with blood. He looked utterly wretched.

It had only been two days, but he seemed like a different person.

Of course, so did I.

When faced with real death, the grudges from school seemed like child's play—even almost warm and tender.

By the time we returned to Military Headquarters after traveling day and night, I'd lost all sense of time. The sky was still misty, but the rain had stopped, and the air was damp and cold.

I felt exhausted, but I forced my eyes wide open. The unit was still exactly as it had been when we set out: everyone remained like a drawn blade, with only a little rainwater clinging to them now.

They were the real shinobi.

I took a deep breath and felt my lungs slowly expand. The air was thick with the smell of soil. I was breathing steadily when dizziness suddenly washed over me. My knees buckled, and I fell without warning!

Panic shot through me. Instinctively, I reached toward Kusama Shigeo and grabbed him hard, keeping myself from hitting the ground.

Damn it, falling over here would've been so embarrassing!

I struggled to keep my balance, trying to ease the dizziness and straighten my legs, all while squeezing Kusama Shigeo's arm hard to warn the guy not to move. I didn't even notice that something was wrong.

My vision was still blurry when a frigid voice suddenly pierced down from above, carrying a chill that seeped straight into my heart.

"Let go."

He spoke.

The voice was unfamiliar, yet so close that I could feel his body vibrate as he spoke.

I raised my head in confusion and abruptly met a pair of eyes.

They were white.

The person in front of me wore Military Headquarters' uniform, with a deep black mask covering the lower half of his face. Only his utterly expressionless eyes were visible as he stared down at me.

We were so close that I could see his irises were pure white. They were undeniably beautiful, yet held none of the expression one would expect from a living person. They were as still and empty as a corpse's eyes.

His gaze struck me like a blow, and I jolted awake. Holding my breath, I stepped back—and bumped into Kusama Shigeo, who was standing blankly to my left—

"What the hell are you doing?" His voice was hostile, and he still despised me as much as ever.

Only then did it dawn on me that I... I'd grabbed the wrong person?

I froze for a moment, then my heart began to pound. I hurriedly apologized. "I'm sorry, senpai! I just—"

I tried to explain, but he didn't give me the chance. He simply repeated himself.

"Let go."

—Still cold as ice.

I looked up at him. His expression hadn't changed in the slightest. He looked at me as though I were a corpse, a dead person, something completely useless.

—Never as though I were a teammate.

Just like everyone else at Military Headquarters.

Around us, plenty of eyes turned our way—mocking, cold, and utterly unkind.

Their stares stabbed at me, making my heart ache. I stepped back and let go, opening my mouth but unable to say a word.

"Though the mission was assigned by Anbu, everyone did very well. Especially the two newcomers—you've both grown quickly."

Orochimaru-sensei's hoarse voice came from the front, breaking the silence at the end of the line.

"Well... thank you all for your hard work. That's the end of the mission. Dismissed."

As the team leader finished speaking, the Black Swallows of Military Headquarters dipped their heads and scattered in an instant. Within a few breaths, they had vanished.

The person in front of me disappeared, too.

On the broad, empty training field, Kusama Shigeo and I watched Orochimaru approach. By then, we were both addressing him formally.

"How was your first mission?" Orochimaru asked amiably. Kusama Shigeo and I both felt a chill run down our backs.

"We let you down, sensei."

"Heh... Your families asked me to look after you. I ought to do my best not to disappoint them." He approached us with a smile. "I also hope you'll grow quickly and become shinobi who can stand on their own."

A hundred lessons from a teacher were no use. One lesson from experience sank straight into the heart.

Compared to Uchiha Fugaku, Orochimaru's guidance was undeniably more brutal—and more effective.

I raised my bloodshot eyes and looked at Orochimaru, my feelings tangled.

But I still hated this way of doing things!

"You two should go back and rest. You've worked hard these past few days." Standing between us, he patted my shoulder. The warmth of his palm slowly seeped into me.

"Wait for me here tomorrow morning."

I raised my head and realized he'd said that specifically to me.

"Yes, sensei."

He glanced at me, looking dejected, then suddenly asked, "Does killing weigh on you, Akatsuki?"

My breath caught. I felt warmth well up in my eyes and clenched my fists tight. Then I shook my head. "It doesn't weigh on me."

"They were enemies. They deserved to die."

When I got back to the dormitory I'd been assigned, exhaustion and dizziness hit me all at once. I practically crashed onto the bed and fell asleep within moments.

I woke again in the middle of the night.

I dragged myself to the bathroom. The ninja tools and clothes I'd tossed aside when I came in were piled there, covered in mud and blood and giving off a rank stench.

Looking at the specks of blood, I suddenly felt sick. The nausea quickly swelled up from my stomach and rushed toward my head.

I threw up in the bathroom until I could barely see straight, tears and snot streaming down my face. For a moment, it freed me from my false strength.

I could still remember the faint sound of Murasame cutting through flesh, the blade piercing a blood vessel and the heart in an instant, then turning and tearing apart every organ and tissue that still held a spark of life...

As the blade came free, blood gushed out, and a corpse fell to the ground... At that moment, the boundary between life and death had been starkly clear.

Each of those lives had ended by my own hand.

Whenever I thought of that, I couldn't stop retching, and my heart clenched again and again.

Shisui... you were right. I shouldn't have come to the battlefield... I don't want to do this... I don't want to kill...

My small body slumped weakly against the bathroom wall. Two dried tear tracks clung beneath my swollen, tearful eyes. Blood still stained Murasame, the unmistakable proof of my guilt.

Even if shinobi were tools, they were still tools stained with blood.

I was still too weak, coming from a peaceful world. I'd spent my previous life surrounded by warmth and peace, so whether I wanted to or not, I was forced to remain bound by that ridiculous conscience and sense of morality. I was forced to hold on to the last vestige of reverence for life.

That would only make me suffer more.

Shisui... Now I finally understood that suffering.

I kept sobbing until I ran out of strength. Then, amid the pile of damp, cold clothes, I fell into a deep sleep.

"Shisui-senpai?" Zi Luochun looked surprised to see Uchiha Shisui climb onto the branch. "It's not time to switch shifts yet. Aren't you going to rest a little longer?"

"You go rest. I'll take over for the second half of the night."

For days, unease had gnawed at Uchiha Shisui. Only fighting and the cold wind could temporarily calm him down. He was becoming more ruthless against the enemy. Whenever he used his signature Phantom Body Flicker Technique, his opponents were already thinking of retreating. A new star was slowly rising in the Shinobi World.

But Zi Luochun didn't leave. She sat beside Shisui on the treetop, her expression warm and a little shy. "Thank you, senpai. I'm not sleepy yet."

This was a chance to be alone together—

That thought made Zi Luochun's heart race. Tentatively, she edged closer to Uchiha Shisui, coming nearer to the boy who made her heart flutter than she ever had before.

Under the starlight, the boy's profile was undeniably clear and handsome, yet there was always something over it that she couldn't see through. It made Zi Luochun curious.

"What are you thinking about, senpai?"

Silence.

A long silence passed—so long that Zi Luochun thought she wouldn't get an answer. Then Shisui spoke.

"I have a friend on the battlefield. He's only six."

"Is that so..." Zi Luochun had faced plenty of hardships as she'd grown up. "That must be hard."

It must be hard.

He knew what kind of child Akatsuki was. To make someone like him endure a battlefield that was like purgatory was a pain he could hardly imagine. Shisui wished he could bear it all in his friend's place.

Uchiha Shisui had never hated war as much as he did now, nor had he ever longed for peace as much as he did now.

He looked up. The night sky was crystal clear, washed clean by the rain, and the stars shone bright. Their light fell through the trees, and the cool wind brushed past his ears, its chill slipping into his nose and chest. Yet he didn't feel cold.

Alone as he was, he'd never imagined that one day he would be gazing from afar at someone else, here on the battlefield.

It turned out that having someone to care about really could keep a person from feeling alone.

It turned out that the conviction to bring peace so one could protect someone was far stronger than the strength that came from guarding peace alone.

Uchiha Shisui stood up, his clothes fluttering in the night wind.

For peace to come, he had to become stronger. Stronger still.

That day would surely come.

Zi Luochun watched the boy standing before her. She could see his worry, and it made her feel uneasy, too.

So this was what had been troubling senpai these past few days.

Who could his friend be, for him to care so much?

"Still, if he's Shisui-senpai's friend, he must be a very capable person. Even if he's just a child, he won't be so easily beaten down, right?" Zi Luochun said with a smile.

"That's right. He's a very strong person."

Shisui looked at Zi Luochun, his eyes softening for the first time.