83. Nine (2, 3k)

"The eighteenth day of the voyage."

"Everything is as usual, except that Xianni has been restless lately, looking for fights everywhere. My brothers are all very calm. I'm relieved about that; at least they all know what they should be doing."

"Lord Karyl hasn't shown up for three days. I asked the crew, and they said he's been on board learning about navigation from the captain."

"This truly aligns with his style. Although we haven't known each other for long, we're already willing to acknowledge him as an instructor in the Eighth Legion. Sometimes, this kind of exemplary conduct is more inspiring than anything else."

"However, this matter has indeed made me somewhat embarrassed. The voyage has continued so far, and we haven't encountered any situation where we were needed, yet I'm actually feeling a little resentful."

"Realizing this makes me extremely regretful. I shouldn't have expected a battle. It might be my duty, but it's not for the other crew members. Peace is precious to everyone. I should learn to do things for myself, like Lord Karyl."

Van Cleef put down his pen, ending his writing. He picked up the paper, slowly tore it into pieces, and threw it on the table. He closed his eyes and began to reconstruct the paper from memory. Twenty-seven seconds later, he opened his eyes and saw a pile of shredded paper.

With a sigh, the company commander picked them up and tossed them into the trash can next to his desk. Tomorrow morning, the Servitor would come to clean up the trash. They would vanish like flames in some incinerator somewhere on the ship, just like his tangled thoughts.

Van Cleef has maintained this habit for eleven years. He has long forgotten why he started, but this habit has helped him a lot over the past eleven years.

Examining one's own heart is helpful for anyone, unless that person is extremely proud.

He stood up and walked out of the room, still wearing his MK2s, his footsteps heavy and echoing.

Maintaining full armor during voyages is strictly regulated, and the Astartes don't necessarily need to lie in bed to rest. Sometimes, a quiet meditation is enough to relieve physical fatigue.

As he wrote, he planned to find something to do—but he would never go around challenging people to fights like Xianni did.

These days, Xianni bothered those armored Servitor so much that one might suspect they were developing self-awareness.

Thinking of this, a fleeting smile involuntarily appeared on Van Cleef's usually stern face.

Xianni, a reckless young man from Terra, has no surname and, like them Xianni, is the son of criminals, but so what?

Now, he is fighting for redemption. Therefore, his vigor and energy are exactly what this gloomy group of men in the Eighth Legion needs. When taciturnity is the norm, vitality becomes a rare treasure.

With a sigh, Van Cleef walked away.

--

"The twenty-seventh day of the voyage."

"Everything as usual? Should I say that? Or should I choose another way of putting it? Quiet? Yes, too quiet. In the past, I could tolerate this quiet, after all, because we were always on our way to war."

"A working person is happy. I read this sentence in a book, and it's true and correct. People do need to work, but not for the sake of working, but to prove their worth."

"As an Astartes, my value can only be demonstrated in war."

"But things are different now. I find it hard to bear these peaceful days anymore. I think I can guess why. The first and biggest reason is that I'm far away from the Primarch."

"The Legion should stay with their Primarch, shouldn't they? That's only natural. But I must endure it; for the future of Nostramo, it is tolerable."

"Although I don't like—I could even say I hate—that planet, it clearly has value for transformation. Whether it's the special treatment it received as the Primarch's homeworld or the subsequent effects of Adamantium, it has the potential to be improved."

"Moreover, it deserves salvation for the sake of those who suffer."

"As for the second reason, I guess it's because this voyage isn't Warp journey. In the past, we always departed and arrived in emergency situations."

"Warp travel, though dangerous, could at least shorten a journey that would otherwise take years or even decades to a very optimistic figure. But now it's different; a two-month journey is almost unbearable."

"I feel ashamed of this. I shouldn't let these emotions affect me, but I can't help it. I desperately hope this wait will end quickly, that the transaction will be completed successfully, and that we can return to our Primarch as soon as possible. In the past, I could endure it because I had never seen our Primarch, but now..."

Van Cleef silently put down his pen, no longer wanting to write. He silently picked up the paper and threw it into the trash can.

After doing all this, he stepped outside. The view outside the armored glass porthole was as usual. He saw the Shadow of those frigates again, sailing in the dark vacuum, their sterns leaving brilliant trails that shone alongside the starry sky.

The company commander of the Eighth Legion walked away silently; he needed to find something to do, he had to.

--

"The thirty-sixth day of the voyage."

"The journey is already halfway through, and I'm very happy. Xianni seems to have noticed, and he made a few jokes at dinner today. His clumsy jokes made everyone laugh, even Lord Karyl. Although he didn't say anything explicitly, that fleeting smile was still too obvious for us."

"It seems that my brothers are all in good spirits except for me. Realizing this made the guilt I was harboring intensify, and I even started to crave a sudden, unexpected battle—preferably one where no one dies."

"I will lead my brothers on a boarding maneuver and achieve a glorious victory. I don't need to know who the enemy is; they could be hiding Xenos, planets that haven't submitted to the Imperium, or a group of pirates. I don't care, as long as there are enemies to fight for."

"This thought has been lingering in my mind for many days, and it has slowly developed into a burden I can't shake off. I feel extremely frustrated and ashamed about it, yet I don't know how to resolve it."

"I've started spending all my time, like Xianni, in the makeshift training room, wasting my extra energy, but I still can't shake this thought."

"I hate it, and I hate myself."

"Lord Karyl must have sensed the reason behind my recent silence. He has tried to subtly inquire about it several times, wanting to talk to me, but out of shame, I refused."

"And he didn't press further, as he always did, always maintaining comfortable principles and boundaries in certain areas. But I actually longed for him to press me, so that I could confess my shame under his pressure."

But he didn't, so I remained silent. I had to.

"I am, after all, a company commander in the Eighth Legion. My brothers trust me, the Primarch trusts me, and Lord Karyl trusts me. How can I betray their trust? I must find a way to completely banish this thought from my mind."

"It's not wrong to desire victory, it's not wrong to want to prove my worth through work, but I absolutely cannot prove it by hoping for war."

"I need to calm down. This is a difficult situation, but I believe I can manage."

"Furthermore, I've decided that starting tomorrow, I will no longer write on these pieces of paper that will eventually turn to ashes in the fire. It's such a waste; these papers have value, and these pens and inks have value. Their value shouldn't be used to write nonsense that no one will ever see."

Van Cleef wearily put down his pen and sighed slowly. He raised his hands, covered his face, and rubbed them. Even his fierce appearance seemed somewhat sorrowful at this moment.

Five minutes later, he stood up and left his empty room.

--

"The fifty-fourth day of the voyage."

"I did it! I've stopped thinking about those things!"

"Six more days until we reach our destination. The scenery along the way is finally less dreary; the escort ships are now spread out, forming a dispersed escort formation on both sides of the main ship. We don't need to be so tightly packed anymore."

"After all, we've entered the Macragge system, the home system of Roboute Guilliman, the brother of our father Konrad Curze Curze. It's perfectly safe, although there are still many places yet to be explored."

"Today, as I looked out the porthole, I saw many ships rushing by, each with its own mission, just like me. Realizing this made me choke up; I never imagined I would so yearn for a battle."

"Lord Karyl reminded me again today, indirectly, that the most dangerous aspect of war is not death itself, but rather the creation of a continuous stream of dead while simultaneously producing a group of living dead."

"I know what he's talking about, and I agree with him. Indeed, our fight is for peace, for the atonement of sin, not for the sake of fighting itself."

"I survived this solitary test. I did not disgrace the First Company, nor did I betray the trust of my brothers, nor the Primarch. And Lord Karyl, I hope that one day I can stand tall and tell him that I thank him for his tireless efforts in comforting me these past few days."

Smiling, Van Cleef put down his quill and threw the page into the overflowing trash can.

Update complete, all outstanding updates paid off.

Also, I recommend a Warhammer fanfiction, first-person, with excellent writing, much closer to the style of The Black Library than mine. Although it's still in its early stages, it's worth reading. It's about the Adeptus Custodes.

Warhammer: Dream of the Auramite