Ever since the humiliation brought on by his high fever after that snowy day, Chu Moqi had sunk into a deeper, more silent self-loathing.
He began trying certain things with an almost obsessive determination, attempting to regain even the slightest control over his body. For instance, in the dead of night, he would dismiss Yan Qin and Yan Huai and practice using the chamber pot alone.
The process was so wretched that he wanted to destroy everything.
It took an enormous effort to move himself from his wheelchair onto the specially made chamber pot. His legs offered no support, dangling limply, his toes barely touching the floor. Merely maintaining that seated position brought cold sweat to his temples. Then came the long, futile wait.
His body seemed to possess a will of its own-or rather, to have lost any will connected to his mind entirely. No matter how hard he concentrated, trying to summon those long-numb muscles, it was useless. Time ticked past, and the chamber pot remained spotless, like a silent mockery.
Worse still, when he wanted to give up and tried to move himself back into his wheelchair, he lost his balance in an instant. His legs slipped like two unmanageable strands of noodles, and his entire body crashed heavily to the floor. The dull thud of bone striking the ground, the chamber pot rolling aside... He did not even have the strength for anger. All that remained was boundless cold and despair.
When Yan Qin and Yan Huai rushed in at the noise, they often found him lying silently on the floor, staring emptily at the rafters, allowing them to lift him, clean him, and change his clothes without uttering a word from beginning to end.
His temper worsened in another way. It was no longer the outward, sharp-edged coldness of before, but an inward indifference that chilled to the marrow.
Cui Wan keenly sensed this change. A-Qi no longer snapped at her, yet she would rather he behaved as he had before-at least then he reacted. Now she could see him, but she could feel no warmth. She tried hard to find topics, share little happenings, or timidly make small requests as she used to, but often all she received was a faint "Mm," with nothing more.
He no longer kept Cui Wan company, either. Even when she occasionally mustered the courage to suggest that he join her in something, Chu Moqi merely shook his head or gave no response at all, simply gazing out the window, his thoughts unknown.
Today was New Year's Eve, and everyone in the residence was to gather in the main hall for the reunion dinner. The household bustled from early morning, lanterns and festive decorations hung everywhere, and servants hurried back and forth preparing for the ancestral rites and the dinner.
In her room, Cui Wan had Qiaoju help her into a festive new plum-red jacket and skirt patterned with trailing lotuses, with a pomegranate-red cloak lined in squirrel fur over it. Her hair had also been arranged in an exquisite bun, adorned with a pure-gold hairpin inlaid with kingfisher feathers. The girl in the mirror looked radiant and charming, yet there was little joy on her face. Instead, she seemed uneasy.
Facing the mirror, she softly asked Qiaoju, "Do you think... A-Qi will go to the main hall with me today?"
Qiaoju's hands paused. "He... probably will?" she said cautiously. "It is the reunion dinner, after all, a day for the whole household to come together. The eldest madam will be there too."
Cui Wan murmured an assent and said nothing more. Yet she vaguely felt that he probably... would not go with her.
Qiaoju and Changfeng followed Cui Wan, and the three of them were just about to leave the Orchid Courtyard. But Cui Wan's steps grew slower and slower, until she finally stopped before the courtyard gate and could not resist looking back once more. It was empty. There was no sign of Chu Moqi.
Was he... really not going with her? Were they going separately even to the New Year's Eve reunion dinner?
Seeing Cui Wan stop and look back with a dejected expression, Qiaoju immediately guessed part of the reason and gently comforted her. "Madam, perhaps something delayed the young master. He will go over himself in a little while. You are both going to the main hall for dinner, after all. Whether a little earlier or later, you will see him."
Cui Wan nodded. That was certainly true, but the indescribable disappointment still weighed heavily on her heart. She took a deep breath and was just about to turn and step out of the courtyard when the familiar rumble of wheels suddenly sounded behind her.
Cui Wan's eyes lit up, and she spun around.
Yan Qin came around the far end of the covered walkway, pushing the wheelchair. The man sitting in it wore a dark blue-black brocade robe with a subtle cloud pattern and a thick ink-black cloak. His face was still somewhat pale, his expression as indifferent as usual, but he had indeed come out.
"A-Qi!" A delighted smile instantly spread across Cui Wan's face. Gathering her skirts, she trotted over and crouched before his wheelchair, tilting her face up to ask with sparkling eyes, "Are you going to the main hall with me?"
Confronted head-on with her undisguised joy and anticipation, Chu Moqi found the cold words he had prepared suddenly lodged in his throat. After a moment's silence, he turned his gaze aside, his tone slightly unnatural. "I simply did not expect... that you had not left yet."
Those words hardly sounded warm; they were even somewhat awkward. Cui Wan's smile stiffened, a flicker of embarrassment crossing her face, but it soon rekindled. She stood and went behind the wheelchair. Understanding, Yan Qin immediately let go and respectfully stepped aside.
Cui Wan grasped the wheelchair's handles with both hands, drew a deep breath, and pushed hard, her voice carrying a little excitement and determination. "Then I'm going with A-Qi!"
The wheelchair did not budge.
Chu Moqi and the wheelchair together were truly no light load. Cui Wan froze, her face flushing slightly. She exerted herself again before the wheelchair finally moved forward a little, extremely slowly and somewhat jerkily.
Naturally, Chu Moqi felt her struggling. Though the main hall was not very far away, pushing him all the way there would be no easy task for her. His brows drew together slightly, and he said sternly, "Did I agree?"
Cui Wan was wrestling with the heavy wheelchair. At his words, she paused, her hands involuntarily easing their pressure. She pressed her lips together and looked at his stern profile, then still mustered her courage, speaking quietly but stubbornly. "But I want to..." She thought that only by pushing him herself could they move slowly like this, giving her a chance to talk to him and ask what exactly had been wrong these past few days.
Hearing the cautious persistence in her voice, Chu Moqi felt something stir faintly within him. He voiced no further objection, tacitly agreeing.
Cui Wan exerted herself again and slowly pushed the wheelchair onward. Its wheels rumbled rhythmically through the quiet courtyard. After a short distance, her breathing was already slightly uneven, but she still tried to find something to say, her voice soft and tentative. "A-Qi... lately... why do you keep ignoring me? Are you in a bad mood, or... are you feeling unwell again?"
Chu Moqi's hands, resting on his knees, curled almost imperceptibly. Those wretched struggles in the darkness, his uncontrollable body, the icy despair... how could he tell her about them? His Adam's apple shifted, and he uttered, "Neither."
"Then if nothing is wrong," Cui Wan said, a little grievance and persistence entering her voice, "A-Qi, you mustn't ignore me."
Chu Moqi remained silent. Only after a long while did he give a barely audible "Mm."
Though it was only the faintest sound, Cui Wan seemed to have received some extraordinary promise. Her little grievance instantly dispersed like smoke and clouds, and her tone immediately brightened again. "I knew A-Qi was the best!"
He... was the best again?
This little girl...
Chu Moqi shook his head helplessly.
Cui Wan pushed on for another stretch. Fine beads of sweat had appeared at her temples, and her breathing grew somewhat rapid. The wheelchair noticeably slowed.
Chu Moqi had been paying attention to her all along. Seeing her struggle more and more, his tenderness and reluctance to let her suffer finally overcame his awkward feelings. He suddenly reached out and held one wheel still.
The wheelchair stopped abruptly.
Cui Wan startled, thinking she had been too presumptuous and angered him again. At once, she was at a loss. "A-Qi... I..."
"Let go." Chu Moqi's voice still held little warmth.
Cui Wan's heart sank, and she obediently released her hands.
Chu Moqi raised his arms himself and slowly turned the hand rims on either side. The wheelchair glided smoothly forward again. Looking straight ahead, he spoke mildly, but no longer coldly. "You... need only walk beside me."
Cui Wan paused, then understood-he was not angry; he was afraid she would tire herself out! Her unease was immediately replaced by a warm sweetness. She hurried two steps to his side, smiling again, her voice soft and a little playful. "Then... call me when you get tired, A-Qi! I'm very strong!"
Chu Moqi did not answer. Only the corners of his mouth curved upward almost imperceptibly before he quickly pressed them flat again and focused on the path ahead.
Before they knew it, the wheelchair had stopped beneath the eaves outside the main hall. Bright light filled the hall, and warmth drifted out with the fragrance of food.
Tang Xiang was already waiting inside. When they entered, her gaze passed over Cui Wan's flushed cheeks and the fine sweat at her temples, then moved to Chu Moqi silently wheeling himself in. Covering her lips, she chuckled and teased, "Oh... so you pushed him all the way here, being sweet with each other. No wonder you're so late, keeping your sister-in-law waiting this long. Tell me, don't you deserve a penalty?"
Already stirred by pushing the wheelchair and their little exchanges along the way, Cui Wan flushed scarlet at Tang Xiang's words. She hurriedly waved her hands, her voice as faint as a mosquito's hum. "Sister-in-law... please stop..."
Smiling, Tang Xiang yielded the seats of honor to Chu Moqi and Cui Wan.
Chu Moqi's gaze fell on the lavish feast before him, then slowly swept over the hall's familiar yet unfamiliar furnishings. Scenes from past New Year's Eves flooded uncontrollably into his mind-back when both his parents were there, loving and harmonious, and he and his elder brother were always making a racket. Later, his brother married his sister-in-law, and the household grew livelier still, ringing with talk and laughter.
Later... his father and brother died in battle on South Mountain, and he was gravely wounded and crippled. This home had fallen quiet all at once. Last year, though his mother was grief-stricken, at least she had still been in the residence. This year... even she had moved to the Eternal Compassion Nunnery for a long stay, unwilling to return even for New Year's Eve. She truly... loathed her useless son so much that even one glance at him disgusted her, did she not?
A familiar, cold, dull ache seized him.
Yet when he raised his eyes and saw the three seats deliberately left vacant at the table, that dull ache abruptly faltered. Those three empty seats were precisely his father's, his mother's, and his brother's...
His sister-in-law... had arranged this deliberately.
Chu Moqi lowered his lashes, concealing the complicated emotions surging in his eyes.
Taking in his silence and the oppressive air surrounding him, Tang Xiang sighed inwardly. A-Qi had been like this every New Year's Eve these past few years...
She raised her wine cup, softening her voice in an attempt to dispel that invisible weight. "A-Qi, it's the New Year. Be a little happier? Look, this year is different from the others. We have Wanwan now."
As she spoke, she turned to Cui Wan and gave her a meaningful look. "Wanwan, hurry, give A-Qi something to eat. Let him try the ruyi rolls the kitchen made today. They're delicious."
Still embarrassed by Tang Xiang's teasing, Cui Wan hurriedly answered, "Oh," and carefully picked up a golden, crisp ruyi roll, gently placing it in the small dish before Chu Moqi. Then she lifted her large, clear eyes and blinked at him, a little expectant and nervous.
Chu Moqi withdrew his gaze from the empty seats and looked at the little ruyi roll in his dish, then lifted his eyes to meet Cui Wan's gaze, so full of concern and purity.
Yes... now... he had Wanwan.
That realization unexpectedly shone into his heart. Though faint, its light was enough to dispel some of the gloom that had lingered there for so long.
The corners of Chu Moqi's mouth lifted ever so slightly, and he gave Cui Wan an exceedingly faint but genuine smile.
A-Qi had smiled at her?
Cui Wan's joy nearly spilled from her eyes, and she blurted out, "A-Qi, you look so handsome when you smile!"
"Nonsense..."
Her frank, ardent praise made Chu Moqi's ears burn. That trace of a smile vanished instantly, and he lowered his head in some discomfiture, pretending to concentrate on the food in his dish. Picking up his chopsticks, he began eating slowly.
Seeing him embarrassed, Cui Wan was not annoyed. Instead, she thought this awkward A-Qi was even more adorable. Pressing her lips together to hide a smile, she picked up her chopsticks too and began eating in small bites.
Watching their bashful yet warm exchanges, Tang Xiang finally felt some of her worry ease. Her smile grew much more genuine as she continued chatting about light household matters. The atmosphere at the table gradually grew livelier, finally gaining some of the warmth a New Year's Eve should have.
After dinner, the feast was cleared away and replaced with fresh tea and pastries. Tang Xiang took two brand-new red brocade pouches from her sleeve, embroidered with exquisite auspicious clouds and bulging with their contents, and offered them over. "Here, New Year's money to ward off evil for you two."
Cui Wan hurriedly waved her hands. "Sister-in-law, I'm not a child anymore. How can I still accept this..."
Tang Xiang smiled, her gentle gaze carrying a trace of nostalgia. "That's true. Our Wanwan has grown up. Already fifteen-a young lady now." She paused, her tone softening further as her gaze brushed almost imperceptibly over the three empty seats. "But to Father, Mother, and... A-Lei, A-Qi will always be a child. Since you married A-Qi, naturally the same goes for you. This New Year's money... is from your sister-in-law on their behalf."
She pressed one pouch into Cui Wan's hand, then picked up the other and gently laid it on Chu Moqi's lap. Her voice was very soft, yet carried a firm blessing. "And I wish you both peace and safety in the days ahead, and a loving marriage."
Just like... A-Lei and I once had...
Tang Xiang did not speak that last sentence aloud. Only deep within her eyes did profound longing and faint melancholy flash past.
Holding the warm brocade pouch in her palm and feeling the weight of the affection within, Cui Wan suddenly felt her nose sting, even as immense warmth enveloped her. She nodded firmly, her eyes sparkling, her voice clear and earnest. "Thank you, sister-in-law! We certainly will!"
Chu Moqi brushed his fingers over the smooth satin of the pouch on his lap. He did not raise his head, but his throat tightened slightly as he murmured a low assent.
Outside the hall, some household set off the first firecrackers. Their crisp explosions sounded from afar, announcing the arrival of the new year. Even the candle flames inside seemed to dance a little brighter and warmer at the sound.
Hearing the distant firecrackers, Cui Wan immediately felt the joy of the new year and her childlike spirit stir. Instinctively, she caught Chu Moqi's sleeve and gently shook it, her voice brimming with excitement. "A-Qi! They're setting off firecrackers outside! Shall we go set off fireworks too? Yan Qin and the others said they prepared lots!"
With her tugging his sleeve in front of Tang Xiang, Chu Moqi felt uncomfortable all over and a little unable to preserve his dignity. Instinctively, he tried to draw his hand back and maintain his cold front, blurting out, "No. Childish..."
Watching the awkward Chu Moqi, Tang Xiang could not help bursting into laughter. "Yes, yes, it must be my presence spoiling your fun and making you uncomfortable. Your sister-in-law will go back to the Plum Courtyard now, and you can enjoy yourselves, hmm?" As she spoke, she made as if to rise.
Chu Moqi's face grew hotter. "Sister-in-law, that's not what I meant! I..." Rarely at a loss for words, he did not know how to explain his inexplicable awkwardness.
Cui Wan, however, barely noticed Chu Moqi's hidden embarrassment. Thinking he genuinely did not want to go, she felt disappointed. Then, hearing Tang Xiang say she was leaving, she hurriedly tried to keep her there. "Sister-in-law, we can all go together! It's livelier with more people!"
Tang Xiang smiled until her eyes curved, settled back into her seat, and waved her hand. "Never mind, never mind. Your sister-in-law is old and dislikes noise. I'll just sit here and drink my tea. Surely that's all right? I promise I won't peek!" She deliberately gave "won't peek" a suggestive emphasis, her gaze circling Chu Moqi's reddened ears.
Chu Moqi simply wanted to find a crack in the ground and crawl into it. Even his cheeks were burning.
Seeing his flushed face, Cui Wan thought he was unwell. She leaned closer, tilted her head, and asked with concern, "A-Qi, why is your face so red? Are you feeling ill? Shall we skip the fireworks and go back?"
Her entirely unreserved concern only made Chu Moqi more flustered. His awkwardness reached its peak, and he barked, almost in mortified anger, "Didn't you want fireworks? Then hurry up... and push me outside!"
Cui Wan froze at his sudden bark, then realized he had agreed! Her face instantly cleared like sunshine breaking through clouds, blossoming into a broad smile as she answered brightly, "All right!"
She hurriedly paid her respects to Tang Xiang, then eagerly began pushing Chu Moqi's wheelchair, walking briskly outside.
Yan Qin and Yan Huai had already prepared the fireworks in an open part of the courtyard. Not far away, brilliant fireworks were rising one after another from other households' courtyards, bursting into dazzling blossoms of light across the night sky.
Cui Wan tipped her head back, unable to take it all in. So happy that she bounced twice on the spot, she pointed skyward and called to Chu Moqi, "A-Qi! Look! They're so beautiful!"
Chu Moqi raised his head slightly, watching that fleeting brilliance as the faint scent of sulfur drifted through the cold air. He gave an "Mm" in response.
"A-Qi! I want to set some off too! Our own!" Cui Wan ran over to the pile of fireworks and took a fire striker from Yan Huai. Yet when she actually had to bring it near the fuse, the little hissing flame made her timid. She held it out for ages, still not daring to light it.
Scratching her head in embarrassment, she trotted to Chu Moqi's wheelchair, bent down, and offered him the fire striker. Her soft voice held a little pleading appeal for help. "A-Qi... could you light it for me? I... I'm a little afraid of the sparks..."
She had barely finished when Yan Huai, standing nearby, had a momentary lapse and instinctively chimed in. "That won't work, madam. You have to run away quickly once you light it. If you ask the young master to light it, you can run afterward, but the young master... won't he get blown away..."
The moment the words left his mouth, Yan Huai froze. Chu Moqi's gaze swept toward him, bone-chillingly cold, carrying heavy anger and a barely perceptible trace of pain. Scared out of his wits, Yan Huai hurriedly corrected himself, wishing he could slap himself twice. "Blow me up! Blow me up! I mean... I'll light it! Let me!"
Cui Wan also froze at Yan Huai's blurted words, then an embarrassed blush rose to her face. Yes, she had thought only of her own fear and forgotten that A-Qi... could not run away as she could. She had been thoughtless, caring only about enjoying herself.
She hurriedly followed Yan Huai's lead and handed him the fire striker, her voice quieter than before. "Then... sorry for the trouble, Yan Huai!"
As though granted a pardon, Yan Huai quickly took the fire striker and crouched, lighting the fuse with slightly trembling hands. It caught with a hiss, and he immediately jumped up and retreated at speed, shouting with exaggerated enthusiasm, "Hahaha, it's lit! Can't blow me up! Can't blow me up!"
The fireworks instantly spat dazzling golden sparks and soared into the sky. Cui Wan watched excitedly as multicolored fireworks burst overhead, a radiant smile returning to her face as she temporarily forgot that little embarrassment.
Yet that brief embarrassment was like a tiny thorn, stabbing precisely into the most vulnerable place in Chu Moqi's heart. Yan Huai had spoken without thinking; one could even call it his habitual joking. But... Yan Huai was right.
He was a cripple. Even setting off fireworks with her was an extravagant wish. Lighting them, then running away quickly-such simple, ordinary actions were impossible for him. Everything reminded him that he was different from ordinary people, that he was a burden, something requiring extra care... a weight upon others.
Chu Moqi watched Cui Wan's excited figure in the glow of the fireworks. The brighter her smile, the colder the wasteland within his heart became.
In truth, Cui Wan did not mind at all. To her, simply watching fireworks with A-Qi was happiness enough. She ran back to his side and said excitedly, "A-Qi! Look! Our fireworks are the prettiest!"
Her eyes reflected the golden specks in the sky, astonishingly bright as she shared her joy wholeheartedly.
Only then did Chu Moqi slowly raise his head. Overhead, the fireworks burst thunderously at their highest point, scattering countless stars like flowing gold and illuminating half the night sky. That brilliant light shone on his face as well, flickering bright and dim.
He watched the dazzling yet fleeting fireworks for a while before his gaze involuntarily settled on Cui Wan's face and lingered there. He watched her cheeks, slightly flushed with excitement, the undisguised happiness in her clear eyes, the soft contours outlined by the firelight.
It wasn't the fireworks that were beautiful...
It was you...
At the main hall's doorway, Tang Xiang had not kept her promise not to peek. Leaning against the doorframe, she held a cup of long-cold tea and quietly watched the pair in the courtyard. She watched Cui Wan's lively delight, Chu Moqi's gaze following her despite his silence, and the fireworks blooming above their heads.
A faint smile rested on her face, yet her gaze drifted into the distance, as though through the warmth before her she saw a very distant past, saw another upright figure who had always loved teasing and protecting her, who had insisted on personally lighting the biggest, most beautiful fireworks for her every New Year's Eve.
A-Lei...
Are you and our child... doing well in heaven?
You liar...
How long has it been... since you last set off fireworks with me...