The night was deep, and all was silent. Bathed in the white glow of snow, the Orchid Courtyard seemed especially still.
Cui Wan slept soundly, a faint smile lingering on her lips, as though she had returned in her dreams to the happy snowfield of the day. For once, A-Qi had set aside his cold expression to play in the snow with her. Although he had mostly just watched her frolic, occasionally retaliating, she had never known such an easy, joyful atmosphere since marrying into the marquis's household.
Yet this sweet dream did not last long.
A series of dull thuds, carrying the sound of suppressed pain and accompanied by faint vibrations of the bedboards, drifted from the adjoining room. Like a heavy hammer, they shattered Cui Wan's dream without warning.
She jolted awake, her heart pounding.
It was the sound of someone kicking the bed!
A-Qi... his legs were spasming again!
The realization instantly swept away Cui Wan's sleepiness, and her heart clenched. She threw back the covers at once, disregarded her loose hair, snatched the cloak draped over the stand and wrapped it haphazardly around herself, then slipped into her embroidered shoes and rushed out.
Cold wind poured through the open doorway, making her shiver. She hurried to Chu Moqi's door in a few strides. Her fingers had already touched the icy wood when she abruptly stopped.
She remembered... long ago, on what seemed to have been just such a night, similar noises had woken her. She had barged in rashly, only to be mistaken for an enemy and nearly strangled by him. He had warned her then that she must not enter casually while he was sleeping.
But...
That had been the time before last. The last time Chu Moqi had a nightmare, her clumsy soothing had calmed him, and he had not hurt her. Besides... A-Qi really had been treating her well lately. Just today, he had indulged her frolicking in the snow, and had even... tacitly allowed her to draw close and tease him...
He surely would not hurt her.
Cui Wan hesitated no longer. Drawing a deep breath, she gently pushed open the door.
The room was pitch-black, and the suppressed, agonized kicks against the bed and broken groans sounded even clearer.
Cui Wan hurriedly felt her way to the table, picked up the fire striker, and lit the oil lamp.
The yellow glow immediately dispelled the darkness, illuminating the scene on the bed.
Chu Moqi lay there with his brows tightly knitted and his face unnaturally flushed. Beneath the quilt, his legs were twitching and spasming violently, beyond his control. She could even faintly make out the contours of his taut muscles, and the entire bed trembled slightly with them. He seemed to have fallen into a semiconscious state, indistinct, pained mutterings escaping his lips.
Cui Wan's heart sank to the very bottom. She hurried over and reached out to touch his forehead-
So hot!
A-Qi had a high fever!
How had this happened? Hadn't he been perfectly well during the day? Could it... could it be that he had caught a chill while playing in the snow outside with her today?
The thought filled Cui Wan with alarm and regret, and tears immediately welled up. It was all her fault! She had been so eager to play, insisting on dragging him out into the snow...
"A-Qi! A-Qi!" she called twice in panic, but Chu Moqi gave no response. He only groaned in pain, his body trembling incessantly from the fever and spasms.
Cui Wan was at her wits' end, but her remaining reason told her she had to fetch help immediately. She turned and rushed out, running toward Yan Qin and Yan Huai's room next door, calling tearfully as she went, "Yan Qin! Yan Huai! Hurry!"
Soon, Yan Qin and Yan Huai came rushing over, their clothes in disarray. At the sight of Chu Moqi's condition, Yan Qin's expression immediately grew grave.
"The young master caught a chill and developed a high fever. We must bring his temperature down first." Experienced as he was, Yan Qin immediately made his judgment. Deftly wringing out a cold cloth and laying it on Chu Moqi's burning forehead, he instructed Yan Huai, "Go to the kitchen. Have whoever is on night duty brew medicine to reduce his fever and dispel the chill immediately. Hurry!"
Yan Huai answered and went racing away.
Yan Qin also retrieved a Meridian-Relaxing Pill from the room and carefully fed it to Chu Moqi, hoping to ease the violent spasms in his legs a little. Then he began massaging Chu Moqi's spasming legs with steady hands, trying to relax the muscles stretched taut to their limit.
Under the combined effects of the medicine and massage, the alarming convulsions in Chu Moqi's legs finally began to ease. Though still stiff, they at least no longer kicked so violently. His tightly knitted brows seemed to relax a fraction, too, but the suffering brought by the high fever still left him delirious and burning all over.
Seeing that the situation had stabilized for the moment, Yan Qin glanced at Cui Wan, who stood beside them pale-faced and tearful, yet stubbornly refused to leave. He understood. He said quietly to her, "Madam, the medicine will take some time to brew. The young master is in no immediate danger. I shall wait outside. Please call whenever you need anything."
With that, he bowed and withdrew soundlessly, gently closing the door and leaving the inner room to Cui Wan.
The room fell quiet again, leaving only Chu Moqi's heavy, feverish breathing and the occasional crackle of the oil lamp's flickering flame.
Looking at Chu Moqi's fever-flushed face, Cui Wan could no longer hold back her tears. They rolled down in great drops. She reached out and carefully tucked in the corners of his quilt, repeating over and over in a choked voice:
"I'm sorry... A-Qi... it's all my fault... I shouldn't have dragged you outside... I'm sorry..."
Just then, Chu Moqi suddenly stirred unconsciously in his fevered sleep. His brows tightened again, and he began shrinking beneath the quilt, groaning indistinctly, "Cold... so cold..."
Cold?
Cui Wan froze. The charcoal fire was burning brightly, and he had a thick quilt over him. How could he be cold? Were these chills caused by the high fever?
Before she could work it out, Chu Moqi unconsciously edged toward her where she sat beside the bed. He even burrowed his head into her arms, still mumbling, "Cold..."
Cui Wan stiffened at his sudden closeness. But seeing him so fever-dazed, vulnerable, and helpless, the little shyness and hesitation in her heart were instantly drowned by overwhelming heartache.
She hesitated, then reached out and carefully, tentatively, gently embraced his burning upper body, trying to warm him with her own body heat as she soothed him softly:
"Be good, A-Qi. You're not cold anymore. The brazier is already burning brightly. I'm holding you. You're a little warmer now, aren't you? You're not cold anymore..."
Perhaps he truly felt the warmth and comfort of her embrace. Chu Moqi nuzzled against her and tilted his head. His tightly knitted brows seemed to ease somewhat, and his rapid breathing slowed a little. As though he had found something to lean on, his body relaxed, and he no longer tensed up and complained of the cold.
Only when Cui Wan saw that he seemed more comfortable did her anxious heart settle a little. She kept her arms around him, not daring to move for fear of disturbing this rare peace, though her tears continued falling silently.
Yet in this brief moment of peace, a faint but distinct trickling sound abruptly arose in the silent room.
Cui Wan first paused, somewhat bewildered. At first, she thought it was snowing outside again, or that the sound came from the charcoal brazier. But it was very close, right there in her arms.
Puzzled, she lowered her head to look at Chu Moqi in her embrace.
The sound... seemed to be coming from beneath the bedding?
Cui Wan's heart lurched, and an ominous premonition rose within her. Her entire body stiffened as she cautiously reached out and gently felt the bedding beneath Chu Moqi.
It felt dry, with no obvious damp patches.
The bedding wasn't wet? Then that sound and sensation just now...
Cui Wan's heart beat faster. Driven by something she could not quite distinguish as premonition or instinct, she gritted her teeth and, with her free hand, very slowly and carefully lifted a corner of the quilt covering Chu Moqi below his waist.
Under the yellow lamplight, Chu Moqi's lower body, clad in thin undertrousers, was exposed to the air. The fever and spasms had left his undertrousers somewhat disheveled.
That was not how a man should look... that smooth, slightly bulky curve... was there... padding inside?
It was a diaper!
A diaper... for people who could not control their bodies.
A-Qi... had actually been using this all along?
Cui Wan's pupils abruptly contracted, and even her breathing seemed to stop at that moment.
She suddenly remembered once going to see her sister-in-law Tang Xiang. Passing the drying area outside the laundry, she had happened to glimpse baby diapers hanging there...
How closely they resembled... the shape before her now.
Those had been A-Qi's...
He used... things like that?
That proud youth who had once ridden a white horse with a silver saddle along Vermilion Bird Street, parted the crowd with his spear, and nodded slightly to her...
That second son of the Chu Family who had fought drenched in blood on the battlefield of South Mountain...
That Chu Moqi who, even in a wheelchair, still held his back straight and his gaze cold, as though he would never bow his head...
When... had he become like this?
Cui Wan felt herself shaking, trembling uncontrollably from her fingertips to her heart. An enormous shock, mingled with disbelief and an inability to accept it, nearly submerged her.
Tears surged out, even more fiercely than before, but they were no longer born of mere worry and guilt.
This was heartache, pain that pierced her heart and bones.
What exactly had her A-Qi endured to become as he was now?
Just then, Chu Moqi seemed to twist his body with some difficulty. One hand unconsciously clawed and tugged beneath him in agitation, his brows drawing together again as indistinct groans of discomfort escaped his lips.
Cui Wan abruptly came to her senses. She looked down at his restless hand, then remembered what had just happened...
Was it... soaked through, making him uncomfortable?
The thought temporarily pushed aside her heartache, leaving only worry and panic. A-Qi was unconscious with a high fever. Wearing a sodden diaper would certainly make him more uncomfortable, and might even worsen his illness.
"A-Qi, are you uncomfortable?" Cui Wan leaned close to his ear and asked softly, trying to soothe his unease. "Don't move. I'll fetch Yan Qin to change you, all right?"
She tried to pull away to fetch him, but unexpectedly, the moment she finished speaking, Chu Moqi suddenly opened his eyes!
His gaze was scattered and utterly unfocused. Clearly, he was not truly awake; this was merely an instinctive reaction under the fever. Yet the hand that had been clawing beneath him caught the wrist she was trying to withdraw with unerring accuracy and astonishing strength.
"Wanwan... don't go..." His fever-cracked lips moved. His voice was hoarse and weak, yet carried an unmistakable dependence and plea for her to stay. "Don't..."
His grip hurt Cui Wan's wrist, but her heart ached even more. She explained patiently, "A-Qi, I'm not leaving. I'm going to fetch Yan Qin to help you. You're uncomfortable like this."
"No..." Chu Moqi stubbornly shook his head. His eyes remained unfocused, his cheeks frighteningly red from the fever, as he insistently repeated, "Want... Wanwan..."
Then, as though he had exhausted his strength, his head drooped, and he lost consciousness again. Yet the hand gripping her wrist did not loosen; if anything, it tightened.
He wanted her to help?
Cui Wan was utterly dumbstruck, her eyes wide and round. Her face suddenly flushed red from her neck to the tips of her ears.
A-Qi... really wanted her... to change that for him?
Was he delirious with fever, completely unaware of what he was saying?
But while she stood stunned, the discomfort beneath Chu Moqi seemed to intensify again. His body began twisting uncontrollably once more, and one hand clawed and tugged harder.
No! She couldn't let him keep moving like this. What if he tore something or made things worse?
Looking at his discomfort, Cui Wan finally let her heartache and worry suppress her shyness and hesitation.
"All right, all right. I'll do it. I'll help you. Be good, A-Qi, stop moving..." She hurriedly coaxed him, her voice trembling.
She carefully pried his fingers from her wrist, then walked, red-faced, to the wardrobe in the corner of the room. Drawing a deep breath, she opened its doors.
Among the neatly folded clothes, there was indeed a separate, inconspicuous corner holding a tidy stack of diapers.
Cui Wan's face burned even hotter. She picked up a clean one and a soft cloth for wiping, then returned to the bedside.
Looking at Chu Moqi lying unconscious on the bed, his brows still faintly knitted with discomfort, Cui Wan gritted her teeth and bolstered her courage: It's all right. A-Qi is ill now and needs looking after. I'm his wife... yes, it's only right and proper for a wife to care for her husband...
With trembling hands, she carefully undid the ties of Chu Moqi's undertrousers. A faint, unpleasant smell drifted up. Cui Wan pressed her lips together, forcing herself not to show any disgust, though her eyes reddened again.
The old diaper came into view, heavy and clearly soaked through. Cui Wan wanted to cry, yet her face burned so fiercely it felt as though it might catch fire. She closed her eyes, drew a deep breath, then reached out with badly trembling fingers to undo the ties at its sides.
At that very moment, Chu Moqi seemed to sense something in his fevered sleep. He frowned and unconsciously muttered, "Stinks..."
His voice was indistinct, laden with disgust.
His disgust at himself nearly left Cui Wan unsure whether to laugh or cry.
She sniffled and chided him in a thick, nasal voice, both annoyed and heartsick, "So you know it stinks? Then why did you go and do this..."
Naturally, Chu Moqi could not answer. His brows merely remained furrowed, as though he was very uncomfortable.
Cui Wan delayed no longer. With her eyes closed, working by feel, she finally undid the ties. She immediately placed the prepared soft cloth beneath her hand, then swiftly pulled the heavy, sodden diaper out from under Chu Moqi and tossed it onto the floor beside her. Next, she picked up a warm, damp cloth and, by feel, quickly wiped several times around where it had been.
After doing this, she was already too embarrassed to open her eyes. She felt around for the clean diaper and tried to place it beneath Chu Moqi.
But a new difficulty arose-she could not lift his body at all.
Chu Moqi was, after all, much bigger than her, and below his waist he was limp and powerless, completely unable to help. How could she possibly lift him alone?
"A-Qi... could you... lift your waist a little?" Cui Wan asked in a tiny voice, her eyes closed and her face red.
Chu Moqi truly seemed to be trying to make out her words. His brows shifted, and his body tried to exert itself in cooperation. But his waist had long since lost its strength. He merely moved slightly in vain before falling limply back onto the bed, utterly unable to lift himself.
Sensing his effort and its futility, Cui Wan felt another sharp stab of pain in her heart. She could only grit her teeth, support his waist and hips with one hand, and push the diaper beneath him with the other.
The movement forced her to open her eyes, and also gave her a clearer view of the powerless, awkward posture of his body below the waist. Enduring her heartache and embarrassment, she mustered every ounce of strength to try to lift him a little.
But this position clearly made the feverish Chu Moqi very uncomfortable, or perhaps it pulled at muscles left sore by the spasms. His body began twisting and spasming slightly, and his legs kicked restlessly.
Cui Wan hurriedly held down his flailing legs, her voice carrying a little grievance and anxiety. "Be good, A-Qi... don't move... this won't work... you... you're even kicking me!"
Perhaps it was the tears entering her voice, or perhaps the words "kicking me" stirred a faint glimmer of awareness. Chu Moqi actually stopped struggling little by little, and his body relaxed again, though his breathing remained rapid and fever-hot.
Cui Wan sighed in relief and hurriedly seized the chance to lift his body a tiny bit. Eyes closed, she clumsily worked by feel to roughly position the clean diaper beneath him. She did not know how to put it on properly, so she could only wrap it as carefully and smoothly as possible, then feel her way through fastening the ties on both sides. Finally, still red-faced, she helped him back into his undertrousers.
By the time she had finished, Cui Wan was panting with exhaustion, fine sweat beading her forehead. Looking at Chu Moqi on the bed, who finally seemed a little more comfortable, his brows slightly eased, she felt both aching sorrow and helplessness.
So... looking after A-Qi like this was so troublesome, so exhausting. And he wouldn't behave, either, moving about and kicking...
But... seeing him finally sleeping peacefully now, no longer frowning in discomfort, Cui Wan felt it had all been worth it.
Never mind. As long as he was a little more comfortable.
Only... if he woke and learned what had happened...
Cui Wan's face paled again. She hardly dared imagine the scene. A-Qi was so proud. Surely he would feel utterly mortified and never speak to her again?
While her thoughts tangled like a skein of thread, a gentle knock came at the door. Then Yan Huai stepped softly inside, carrying the brewed medicine.
"Madam, the medicine is ready..." Halfway through his words, Yan Huai's gaze instinctively swept across the room. Then he abruptly froze!
Yan Huai's eyes widened enormously, and his mouth fell slightly open, as though he had seen a ghost. He looked at the floor, then at Cui Wan standing helplessly beside the bed with her face bright red, then at the unconscious young master on the bed...
A guess so bold that it left even him dumbfounded rapidly formed in his mind.
Under his stare, Cui Wan wished she could immediately find a crack in the ground and crawl into it! She abruptly covered her burning face with her hands, her voice as faint as a mosquito's hum, thick with mortification and pleading:
"Don't... don't tell A-Qi... please..."
With that, she could no longer bear the excruciatingly awkward atmosphere. Without even sparing another glance at Chu Moqi, she covered her face, lowered her head, and stumbled back to her own room.
Yan Huai was left standing alone in the room with the bowl of medicine. He looked at the incriminating evidence on the floor, then at the doorway through which Cui Wan had vanished, and finally at the young master, still unconscious on the bed and entirely unaware of any of it...
As he cleaned up, he inwardly clicked his tongue in wonder, the corners of his mouth rising despite himself.
The first light of dawn fell across Chu Moqi's face. His lashes fluttered several times before he finally struggled to lift his heavy eyelids.
As consciousness returned, the first thing he felt was overwhelming weakness and aching exhaustion. Yet there also seemed to be... a lingering... strange smell?
That smell... something was wrong!
Chu Moqi's muddled thoughts abruptly sharpened, and his remaining sleepiness vanished at once. Fragments of his fever and spasms from the night before stabbed into his mind, making his heart contract sharply.
No... it couldn't be...
With almost a trace of desperate hope and panic, his trembling fingers reached very slowly beneath the covers-
Cold wetness...
His undertrousers were already soaked through, while the thing padding him there... felt crooked and loosely bunched...
Last night... had he actually lost control to such an extent? Could he no longer preserve even this most basic dignity?
And how had it become so crooked? Yan Qin and Yan Huai had cared for him for years. Even if he had thrashed about while unconscious, they would not have positioned his diaper so... disgracefully.
All color instantly drained from Chu Moqi's face, only for it to rapidly flush crimson with utter humiliation and fury. Even his breathing grew heavy and hot.
Just then, Yan Huai, who had been dozing bent over the footstool beside the bed, woke at his movements. He raised his head groggily and rubbed his eyes. "Young master... you're awake? How do you feel..."
His words cut off abruptly. He too had immediately caught the faint odor in the air. One look at his young master's rigid, ashen face and the hand clutching the quilt so tightly, and Yan Huai instantly understood what had happened.
"Young master!" Yan Huai startled fully awake and hurriedly stood, his eyes darting about. "I... it's my fault! It's all my fault! You had a high fever last night, and your legs were spasming terribly. I... I may not have done it properly. Then I got too sleepy and didn't check in time... I'll clean it up! Right away!"
Flustered, Yan Huai turned to fetch water and clean clothes, his voice practically overflowing with guilt and panic as he tried to shoulder all the blame.
"Get away!" Chu Moqi's voice was terrifyingly hoarse, filled with irrepressible trembling and violence. He fiercely struck aside the hand Yan Huai extended to support him, using so much force that his own weakened body swayed. He closed his eyes, his chest heaving. He felt as though all his blood had rushed to his head, burning until stars danced before his eyes, yet a bone-piercing chill seeped from the deepest reaches of his heart.
A cripple... a complete and utter cripple!
He couldn't even manage this much himself, and had to end up in such a wretched mess!
Immense self-loathing and despair engulfed him like an icy tide. He wished he could vanish immediately, or... that the fever had simply burned him to death last night! Even that would have been better than facing his own disgrace with a clear mind!
Just then, several fragments suddenly flashed through his chaotic, furious thoughts, extremely hazy yet strangely clear-
A cool, soft hand seemed to brush across his burning forehead.
Beside his ear, there seemed to be gentle, tear-choked soothing: "Be good, A-Qi... you're not cold anymore..."
And... a warm embrace, carrying a delicate fragrance...
Wanwan?
Chu Moqi's eyes flew wide, a flicker of uncertain panic flashing through their bloodshot depths. He abruptly turned toward Yan Huai, who was tidying up in a fluster, his voice taut as a bowstring about to snap. "Yan Huai! Last night... did Wanwan come in?"
His sudden question startled Yan Huai so badly that the copper basin nearly slipped from his hands and crashed to the floor, a few drops of water splashing out.
"No! Absolutely not!" Yan Huai answered almost without thinking, his expression a perfectly measured blend of bewilderment and certainty. "Young master, the high fever must have muddled your head. You were in bad shape last night. Madam did come, but my brother and I persuaded her to turn back at the door. I was the one watching over you the whole time after that! Madam must have gone back to rest long before!"
He paused, looking at Chu Moqi's still-pale, half-doubting face, then cautiously added, his words carrying a hint of probing understanding, "Young master... did you... dream of Madam again?"
Dream of... Wanwan?
At those words, Chu Moqi's taut nerves suddenly loosened for a moment. Yes... it must have been a dream. How could I have let Wanwan see me in such a shameful, wretched state? And how could she have... held me like that, soothed me...
It must have been a pitiful illusion, woven from fever-addled dreams and the secret longing for someone to lean on buried deep in my heart, one I refused even to admit to myself.
"Nothing of the sort." Chu Moqi's voice sank lower. He closed his eyes again, hiding the fleeting, tangled emotions of disappointment and relief deep within them, which even he had failed to notice. "Hurry up."
"Yes, yes! Almost done!" As though granted a pardon, Yan Huai hurriedly quickened his movements, but inwardly, he groaned without end.
Oh, Madam... how is this putting a diaper under him? You simply stuffed it in any which way!
Chu Moqi kept his eyes tightly shut throughout, letting Yan Huai move him as needed, his body stiff as a stone. Only his faintly trembling fingertips betrayed the towering waves within him, still far from calm.
Once he had been cleaned up, he leaned back on the freshly straightened bed, his eyes vacant.
All I did was stay with her in the snow for that little while... all I did was cling for a moment to the laughter and warmth she brought...
And the price was this wretched high fever, a body beyond my control, and this shame etched into my bones and heart. Even... trying to make my Wanwan happy for a moment was so far beyond me. Instead, it had turned against me, making me an even greater burden and joke.
Useless!!! Trash!!!