What the Heck?

Hogwarts needed a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. After the school announced that Professor Quirrell had been dismissed for bringing a Troll into the school without permission, quite a few wizards who hadn't yet realized how frightening the position was sent in their résumés.

If Quirrell were still alive, he would probably just type a 6.

Snape felt his chance had come. He had applied to become the Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor several times, only for Dumbledore to ignore him.

This made Snape deeply unhappy. As he watched Dumbledore sort through the résumés, his gaze nearly shredded those pieces of wastepaper from people he considered to have no real ability.

But of course he couldn't do that.

I'm Air: I rewatched the HP movies, and Professor Snape failing to get the Defence Against Dark Magic Class post cracks me up every time www

I'm Air: His resentful expression practically comes through the screen www

Professor Snape Is Mine: Fuck, I'm dying. Look at how Professor Snape practically has wind under his feet when he finally gets a chance to teach a class in Lupin's year.

Kerun: Hehehe-

Kerun: Professor Snape was the first forward-thinking professor to use PowerPoint in class~

James-Brand Shampoo: I can't hold it in, guys

Magpie: Now that you mention it, true

Magpie: Look at what a bunch of oddballs they hired as professors those years, except Professor Lupin~

James-Brand Shampoo: I'll never forget that greasy smile in second year /palms together

Oh My Mother: It was a tremendous shock to my young mind.

I'm Air: When I first read the novels, I really thought those experiences were his.

I'm Air: Turns out the guy stole every single one

Ron Seafood Wholesale Market: Hey, Lupin's teaching really was great! You got to play with things and learn at the same time, but objectively speaking, Barty Crouch Jr.'s teaching was pretty good too!

Voldemort Wig Wholesale: Ahhh, true!

Bug Ming: With Barty Crouch Jr., you got to experience firsthand what Dark Magic really meant www

Magpie: He was even pretty dedicated /dying laughing

always: My bad, I misread Dark Magic as Balala the Fairies, and I was confused for a second.

Bug Ming: ??

Harry Is Mine: ?What? I open the chat and the first thing I see is Balala the Fairies??

Harry Is Mine: I was so startled I went back out to check if this was an HP fan group.

As Long as My Name Is Long Enough Someone Will Read It: Dropping in for my daily look, Balala the Fairies?

Oh My Mother: Balala the Fairy Barty Crouch Jr. hahahahahahahaha!

Oh My Mother: You're insane hahahahahahahaha!

always: My bad, I repe~~nt~~~-

Bug Ming: I'm laughing so hard

Bug Ming: Bro, your eyesight is something else

Draco's Bangs: Fuck, I'm dying, Barty Crouch Jr.'s reputation is catching strays hahahahahaha

What the heck??

In the middle of the night, Malfoy couldn't take his phone's incessant beeping anymore and finally got up to check it. The conversation left him utterly baffled. Balala the Fairies?? What did that mean?

Why did this bunch of Muggles have such a strange sense of humor?

And wasn't the one called Voldemort Wig Wholesale being far too bold? Was that name really okay?!!

Dear Little Dragon ultimately failed to escape the law of eating one's own words.

Even as he complained, he became thoroughly engrossed in scrolling through the chat.

The next day, Blaise looked at Malfoy, who had faint dark circles under his eyes, and said flatly, "You... don't know you can put that thing on silent? Or are you actually hooked?"

Malfoy-who had barely looked into it at all-even though he'd had the phone for days-sat there eating breakfast: ...

How do I answer without making myself, Malfoy, look so stupid? Waiting online, urgent.

Three Meals a Day: Daily question: have the great creators made any fan content?

Three Meals a Day: Mommy, hungry, baby, food please

Proprietress Number Two: I've practically worn out the wholesome fan content in my album from looking at it. Damn it, I want some smut.

Bug Ming: ?Calm down, I don't want the group to get busted again like last time

Bug Ming: Crying cat.jpg

Kerun: We had such a hard time rebuilding the group and getting everyone back

Magpie: Forget it, forget it, as for smut and all that

Proprietress Number Two: If I don't get some new content, I'm going to die

Three Meals a Day: Transmigrate, become a war correspondent, and update the content list every day ✓

James-Brand Shampoo: Dying laughing

Mrs. Malfoy Number Two: I want to transmigrate and give Little Dragon a loving hug (?)

Bug Ming: Is a hug really what you want? /doge

Three Meals a Day: I'm almost embarrassed to expose you /doge

Draco's Bangs: I'm laughing so hard I'm gagging. I'd transmigrate and become Little Dragon's bangs (?

Green Apple Paradise t22: "That Time I Transmigrated and Became a Tuft of Hair on Draco's Head"

Kerun: Mommy, I was devastated when you retired from the literary world back then

Red-Lipped, White-Toothed The Chosen One: Bullshit, you were the happiest of us all /doge

Bug Ming: If the book isn't in the store, smash it

Mrs. Malfoy Number Five, No Arguments Accepted: Netizens these days really are conservative after all /pointing fingers

Kerun: Back on Tieba, there were people saying they wanted to become Merlin's flowery underpants

Magpie: ?

Magpie: Ladies, do you really never run into creative blocks?

Cedric: ?? Merlin's flowery under-what?

My Younger Brother Isn't as Handsome as Me: ?What kind of hell-tier joke is that

Green Apple Paradise t22: Type 1 and Buddha will forgive you online

My Younger Brother Isn't as Handsome as Me: Type 6 and Merlin will laugh with you

Three Meals a Day: 666

James-Brand Shampoo: 1 seriously, who typed 6? 1 that's really 6

Bug Ming: So your mouth is the toughest part of your whole body, huh www

Magpie: I'm dying. Type f to escape the real world and go to Hogwarts

Bug Ming: f, don't anyone type f, it's fake ffffffff

"Merlin's flowery underpants, hahahahahaha!" Fred fell onto his bed clutching his phone, laughing wildly. He couldn't wait to see their faces when they found out about them.

But he certainly couldn't do it so soon~

These people were far too entertaining!

George, who was lurking beside him, was laughing too hard to straighten up. "Why would anyone want to become a hair on that young master's head?" That laugh cost him another ten years' worth of merit.

Over in Slytherin, Malfoy was stunned as he read the messages. What hadn't he seen before? (Strikethrough) He really hadn't seen anything like this before.

It was his first time encountering such an... open group of people.

Malfoy frowned at the screen, trying hard to find the right words. Merlin's flowery underpants? Was that something people could say? His bangs?? What the heck?? He didn't even have bangs!

Malfoy frowned so hard he was about to get lines on his forehead.

Fortunately, Slytherin had no classes that afternoon, so he could stay in his dormitory and take a good look at what this bunch of Muggles usually talked about.

After taking a couple of deep breaths, Malfoy tapped into his other group chat: the Mrs. Malfoy Gathering Place.

Honestly, he was almost starting not to recognize the word Malfoy.

Mrs. Malfoy Number... I Don't Know What: Guys! Look at my pet ferret! I've had it for over two years and I've always called it Draco /shy

Mrs. Malfoy Number... I Don't Know What: [Image.jpg]

[Group owner] Stepmother Literature: Ahhhh! Cute!! But let me tap the wooden fish twice

[Group owner] Stepmother Literature: Because I seriously can't hold it in hahahahaha

Dusk: The young master is getting bullied again hahahahaha

Mrs. Malfoy Number Two: I really am a fan of the young master's looks, really /sincere

Mrs. Malfoy Number Two: But his reaction memes are so cute too (holds a rose in mouth)(corner of mouth scratched by thorn)(leaves regretfully)(bandages wound and stubbornly returns to the stage)

Young Master, Want to Make Dumplings?: A bunch of fake fans. The young master's thing is funny faces /pointing fingers

Dusk: To be honest, I fell for his face at first, then I added "funny" to it

[Group owner] Stepmother Literature: Oh no, I can't hold it in again

Mrs. Malfoy: Funny fucking faces, seriously

Mrs. Malfoy Number Five: Who doesn't love someone who's both arrogant and cowardly?

Mrs. Malfoy Number Seven: Our young master always walks like a model

Mrs. Malfoy Number Two: His looks are top-notch!

Mrs. Malfoy Number Six: His funny faces are top-notch too!

Mrs. Malfoy Number Three Plus One: ?First time I've seen so many people online at once.

Mrs. Malfoy Number Twenty: The ferret is adorable!

Mrs. Malfoy Number Three: It's already a joke we can't get rid of www

Young Master, Want to Make Dumplings?: Oh no, I don't recognize the word Malfoy anymore.

Never mind the other group members, even Draco himself could no longer look at the word Malfoy normally. The author was about to give out too, so she'd use Draco instead.

Draco felt a pain in his stomach. For some reason, seeing that ferret made him afraid, though he didn't know why.

Out of sight, out of mind. Draco looked around for the setting, put his phone on silent, tossed it aside, and went to sleep.

For the first time, eleven-year-old Draco Malfoy experienced complicated feelings.

In his office, Old Dumbledore read the group messages and looked for familiar names among the résumés.

Sure enough, among the many résumés, he found a particularly distinctive stack-because it was as thick as Hogwarts, A History, making it hard for Dumbledore not to notice.

"Gilderoy Lockhart." Dumbledore read the flowery words of self-praise beneath his résumé for two or three minutes before losing the inclination to continue.

He had a feeling this man would have sent in a résumé even if the school had announced that Quirrell was dead.

Reading the group chat's complaints about the position being a high-risk profession, Dumbledore fell into rare contemplation.

Another name caught his eye. "Remus..." The name was all too familiar; he was another of his former students. From what these youngsters were saying, it seemed Remus would submit an application in Harry's third year.

And Dumbledore indeed found no sign of Remus's name among the current résumés.

That was a bit of a shame. If there weren't many applicants, he really would have had to choose a half-baked wizard like Lockhart. The man was quite good at making up stories, but Dumbledore had plenty of choices now, so there was no need.

Before the new professor arrived, the heads of the houses would temporarily take turns teaching Defence Against Dark Magic Class. Dumbledore had learned this trick from the group; the classes would be made up after the professor arrived.

Sound familiar, everyone?

"Your P.E. teacher is sick, so we'll have English/math this period. You'll get your P.E. class back later."

Of course, at the author's real-life school, they never actually got those classes back, but Dumbledore didn't know that.

During those days of substitute teaching, Snape's face was as black as a coal stove.

Even the Slytherin students were frightened when they saw him.

But an even more exciting event was approaching: the Quidditch Match. The first Quidditch match in Harry's life that he could get through perfectly and safely without interference was about to begin.

Time for some brainless little skits

Little skit-①

Draco: Let's see what my fans are doing today

Fan Number One: (daily bout of madness)(sinister left hook)(sinister right hook)(crawls around grotesquely)(clings to the top of Draco's thigh and cries bitterly)(burns all the black suits)(devours all the green apples)(plants more)

Draco: 6

Little skit-② Guess who I am

On the surface: A cheerful, handsome young man who's deeply devoted and faithful

In reality: Death sentence, immediate execution

www I really do love bullying the young master, because he's such great meme material. But jokes aside, I'll still let Draco feel the love from his fans~

If you have anything to say or want your ID included, you can leave your name in the book forum or comment on this paragraph, because I sometimes miss some of you in the forum.

Next chapter, we'll have a Wood special, since Quidditch is almost here. Also, guess who the new professor will be?

Here's a hint: what must come will come.

And if your ID hasn't been included, don't worry, there'll be chances later. I read all the comments.

Also, please, don't push quite so hard for updates. The author hasn't been feeling well lately and has had injections for two days. Besides, this wasn't my main project to begin with /crying; it's just a fun novel based on a random idea, so characters being OOC and such is normal. Please bear with me.

And really, please don't push for updates lately. I'm saving up chapters in preparation for updating every day in January. Seeing nothing but demands for updates in the comments doesn't feel great either.

I was afraid no one would read this if I put it in the author's notes, so I put it at the end of the chapter instead.