I Usually Don't Laugh, Unless I Can't Help It

William quickly sang the song to the tune of "Two Tigers."

Everyone else sang in a jumble, and someone over in Hufflepuff even started humming the tune of "The Internationale."

William almost thought there was a comrade from an international organization who had infiltrated the enemy's ranks!

After everyone else had finished, only the Weasley twins continued singing to the slow, stately tune of the "Wedding March."

Dumbledore conducted the last few bars for them with his wand, and when they finished, his applause was the loudest.

It's time to introduce the witches and wizards of Hogwarts to the heavenly empire's brainwashing hit songs, William reflected silently.

That way, everyone wouldn't be all over the place when they sang in the future, and there would only ever be one tune ringing in their ears.

Songs like "Grain in Ear" and "Shoulder Dance"...

Dumbledore knew nothing of William's entire plan. He was wiping his eyes with his hand, though it was unclear whether he was wiping away tears of emotion or a solid impurity with a vulgar common name.

"What a beautiful tune," Dumbledore said, seeming to recall some small joy. William suspected he had remembered his first love.

Perhaps Dumbledore had once wanted to play this song at his own wedding!

Dumbledore rambled on for a full ten minutes, praising the Hogwarts Headmaster who had written the school song and calling her the greatest lyricist of all time.

Only as Professor McGonagall kept coughing did he reluctantly bring the feast to an end.

The Ravenclaw first-years followed their prefect, Robert Hilliard, through the noisy crowd and out of the Great Hall.

Another commotion came from the Gryffindor table in the distance.

Percy was waving his arms like a madman and roaring, "I'm going to kill you two!"

William had never seen Percy so furious. He was usually very careful about his image.

George hid behind Lee Jordan and said aggrievedly, "Why are you shouting so loud?"

Percy gritted his teeth. "The answers! Why are so many people's answers to their summer homework exactly the same as mine?!"

Fred dodged a shoe hurled at him and said quietly, "How should we know...? Maybe the homework was just really easy this time?"

It dawned on William that the answers to the fourth-years' summer homework had come from Percy.

Percy had known nothing about it. He had just been showing off as he compared answers when he learned the sudden, devastating news!

Clearly, the twins had stolen Percy's answers over the summer, then made copies and sold them!

Worst of all, Percy hadn't received a single Knut.

"I'll kill you!" Percy grabbed Wood's other shoe and threw it too.

George pulled a stick from who knew where and smacked the shoe away as hard as if he were hitting a Bludger.

As it turned out, you should never secretly take your shoes off while eating, or you'd die a horrible death!

Take Wood, for example... He was eating a tub of pudding, happily watching the farce before him.

Wood clapped excitedly. "Brilliant hit!"

He offered his assessment like a professional. "The accuracy and power were both there, and your timing was excellent too.

"George, you've definitely got what it takes to make the house team. Looks like Charlie gave you two plenty of training over the summer!

"Make sure you come to the team tryouts next week. With you two on the team, we'll easily win the Quidditch Cup this year..."

Wait...

That shoe...

Why did it look so familiar?

"Where are my shoes?!" Wood stood on a chair in his flashy pink socks, which were printed with portraits of the famous witch singer Celestina Warbeck.

He roared, "Stop it, stop it! Those are limited-edition flying shoes, and they're signed by Aidan Lynch himself!"

Aidan Lynch was a Chaser on the Irish national Quidditch team and one of Wood's favorite players.

But no matter how Wood roared, it was no use. The shoe sailed steadily in a graceful arc, straight toward the High Table.

Snape had his lips pressed together as he listened impatiently to Dumbledore talk about the appeal of rock music.

In a distracted moment, the shoe fell from the sky, bringing a powerful stench straight at his face.

That smell... it was truly sharp and pungent. Snape nearly passed out from the fumes.

Judging by its trajectory, the shoe was certain to hit him.

Snape hurriedly drew his wand. The spell his muscles instinctively reached for should have been Diffindo.

But he didn't use it. Instead, he gave his wand a gentle wave, and the shoe changed course, shooting toward Professor Tywin nearby at an even greater speed.

The corners of Professor Snape's mouth curved into a contemptuous smile. With a slightly flashy flourish, he slipped his wand back into his roomy wizard's robes.

Snape looked at Dumbledore and asked lazily, "Where were we? Shall we continue?"

The whole sequence flowed smoothly from start to finish. Not even a strand of his greasy black hair moved.

An ordinary wizard would probably have been hit by the shoe, but Professor Tywin amply demonstrated how terrifying a wizard who had put points into agility could be.

At the last possible instant, he actually turned his head aside. The shoe brushed past his blond hair and hurtled toward Hagrid farther away.

Hagrid fumbled to open his little pink umbrella.

The little umbrella looked shabby and flashy, but unexpectedly, it was extremely springy. The shoe struck its surface, pressing a clear dent into it, then shot straight back even faster.

Hogwarts ninja art secret technique: Hagrid's rebound!

Bang!

The shoe brushed past Professor Tywin's nose. He took a deep whiff and nearly threw up last night's dinner.

Fortunately, it was a narrow escape. His nose wasn't big enough, so he didn't become the first professor in Hogwarts history to have his nose broken by a shoe.

Although the title of someone who had nearly been stunk to death didn't sound much better.

Only now did Tywin understand the profound meaning of the words, "The position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor is cursed."

Nothing more needed to be said. He'd collect a year's salary and definitely leave next year!

The shoe missed Professor Tywin and continued speeding toward Snape at a hundred and eighty miles an hour.

Fortunately, the shoe didn't hit him.

Unfortunately, it landed in a bowl on the table.

A large quantity of thick, milky-white liquid mixed with a pungent smell burst upward and splashed all over Snape's face... pure milk!

Dumbledore took off his Half-moon Spectacles and wiped his cloudy old eyes, as though he had seen nothing just now.

Professor McGonagall took a deep breath and, before Snape could explode, announced loudly, "Percy Weasley, George Weasley, and Fred Weasley were fooling around in the Great Hall. Thirty points from Gryffindor!"

Fooling around?

They had clearly been brawling as a group and attempting to murder a professor!

(Tywin: "They should go to Azkaban, especially Oliver Wood! Let a Dementor give him a stinky-foot-flavored kiss!")

Snape's face was livid. He had wanted to deduct three hundred points, but Professor McGonagall had already spoken, so he had no choice but to stay silent!

But,

That didn't mean he would let this go!

If you've got the guts,

Don't come to my Potions Class!

A smile appeared at the corners of Dumbledore's mouth, and he gave Professor McGonagall a thumbs-up.

McGonagall's quick thinking was worthy of praise. The term had only just begun; if they really lost three hundred points, how the hell could they compete for the House Cup?

Snape fixed his dead-fish eyes on Dumbledore like a venomous snake.

The old man's smile vanished instantly. He went on wiping his glasses expressionlessly, smacking his lips as he said, "Ah, what rotten luck. It was an earwax-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean!

"Häagen-Dazs tastes better. Anne only sent me a few tubs. I don't know why she couldn't send me some more... She even asked me to look after her brother William. I'd thank heaven if he didn't bully anyone else.

"Ah, before bed, I must have another bowl of Häagen-Dazs..."

Snape turned his gaze to Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall hastily stood up. She didn't even dare look Snape in the eye, walking straight down from the High Table with a rigid face and heading toward the Gryffindor table.

I mustn't laugh! If I laugh out loud now, Snape will definitely kill me!

But,

Holding it in really hurts.

Professor McGonagall pressed her lips tightly together, her hands trembling as she pinched her thighs, not daring to let the slightest sign show.

Dumbledore really is impressive!

Professor McGonagall thought.

He's so close to Snape, yet he can still turn it on and off at will... He must have had professional training, right?

----Wood's divider----

Wood: Dear witches and wizards, if you don't cast your recommendation votes, I'll use a biochemical weapon on behalf of Hogwarts-stinky shoe warning!