Self-Reproach

Yang Xiu paused, looked at his palm, and continued:

So they remained locked in this stalemate. One was fiercely independent, the other aloof and reserved. The fiercely independent became increasingly unwilling to yield first, and the aloof and reserved became increasingly unwilling to speak first. Both assumed there was plenty of time, both assumed the other understood, and therefore there was no need to speak. But many things in this world are ruined precisely by those four words, 'no need to speak.'

At this point, he withdrew his gaze, looked up at the already slightly setting moon in the sky, remained silent for a moment, then suddenly seemed to recall something extremely interesting yet regrettable, his tone carrying a hint of half-truth and half-joking conjecture:

"I can even picture that scene."

Then, he slowly said:

"If Brother Su were to truly have an epiphany one day, he probably wouldn't be so direct. He would simply keep his thoughts hidden, taking a roundabout approach before finally revealing them. But given Fellow Zilin's nature, she understands perfectly well, yet she refuses to acknowledge it, pretending not to understand. Brother Su isn't stupid; seeing her refusal, he won't say anything more, acting as if nothing happened. In the end, one feels he's said enough, and the other feels he didn't hear anything. Each harboring their own thoughts, they can still drink tea in the pavilion all night as if nothing happened."

He laughed as he spoke.

Seeing this, Xu Mo couldn't help but continue to ask:

What if it were the other way around?

Upon hearing this, Yang Xiu said:

"If it were the other way around, it would be even more interesting. Brother Su would definitely remain silent for a while, and then casually dismiss him with a 'I understand.' Fellow Zilin is such a proud person; having received those four words, how could he possibly ask a second time? He would most likely pretend he never said it. The two of them would continue to treat each other with the same respect, simply assuming that the moonlight tonight was poor, obscuring something they shouldn't see."

At this moment, the mountain wind rose again, causing Yang Xiu's golden robes to flutter wildly, and his moon-white True Qi to disperse like frost and mist.

Xu Mo didn't ask any more questions, but just stared at Yang Xiu's profile. Suddenly, he felt that these words didn't seem to be referring to Su Yao and Zilin alone.

The two remained silent for a long time, and after a long while, Yang Xiu suddenly sighed again.

Xu Mo's heart tightened upon hearing this, and he quickly stepped forward, asking gently, "Junior Brother, what's wrong?"

Yang Xiu did not answer immediately. He continued to gaze in the direction of Golden Ao Mountain, his eyes darkened by the night. After a long while, he finally spoke softly, his voice tinged with self-mockery and disappointment:

"Even though I'm far away in Green Nuo, I was alarmed by Zilin's breakthrough. How could Brother Su, who is in Golden Ao, not know? He's always been vigilant, and he must have already emerged from seclusion. Mo Li, Xuan Yan, and Ying Qi have also been out of seclusion for some time, and they've probably rushed over upon hearing the news. Right now, on Golden Ao Mountain..."

He paused abruptly, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly, as if he were swallowing the rest of his sentence.

Seeing his reaction, Xu Mo grew even more uneasy and asked in a low voice, "How are things now?"

Yang Xiu gave a wry smile and slowly said, "I imagine that on Golden Ao Mountain right now, there's endless singing and dancing, the lights are on full display, and several people are clinking glasses and chatting happily."

He paused, then lowered his voice further. "Zilin Ying Qi skilled at the flute, Yingqi at the pipa, Xuan Yan, and Brother Su at poetry. If I were here, how delightful it would be to drink and sing with Brother Su and Mo Li! Tonight should have been a night of drinking until we were both drunk. What a pity..."

He didn't finish his sentence, only letting out a sigh that dissipated in the wind.

Xu Mo sensed the regret and disappointment in his words, and his heart ached with anxiety. He couldn't help but blurt out:

"Then you should have gone there immediately, junior brother. Now that you have achieved Dharma body, you should indeed go and see your old friends and have some fun..."

Before he could finish speaking, Xu Mo already regretted it.

He wished he could swallow back his rash words, but the words had already been spoken and could not be taken back.

Sure enough, Yang Xiu suddenly turned around and faced Xu Mo. The moonlight poured down from above his head, illuminating his handsome face in half-light and half-shadow, and the gloom between his brows almost solidified into a tangible form.

He spoke coldly:

"Senior brother, do you think I have the face to go to Golden Ao now, with my Divine True Qi?"

Xu Mo, feeling his gaze, involuntarily lowered his head. Yang Xiu's voice continued, cutting into his heart like frost-covered knives:

"Now, everyone on Golden Ao Mountain is a disciple of my Jade Pure One Sect, whether they are the Abbot, a Daoist disciple, or True Lord. I, Yang Xiu, have cultivated a Divine True Dharma Body. Senior Brother, tell me, am I still worthy to ascend Golden Ao and stand shoulder to shoulder with everyone else?"

As soon as the words were spoken, a strong wind suddenly arose on the mountaintop, the pines roared like fury, and the robes of the two men fluttered wildly.

Amidst the soft rustling of the wind, Xu Mo abruptly raised his head and saw that Yang Xiu had already turned around, looking up at the moon, a glint of light flashing in the corner of his eye before being swallowed by the night.

It was impossible to tell whether it was moonlight, tear light, or the glimmer of True Qi shattered in the wind.

Xu Mo opened his mouth, but ultimately couldn't utter a single word.

The mountaintop fell silent again, with only the tinkling of golden bells in the wind, like unspoken regret and sorrow.

After a long while, Xu Mo suddenly took a step forward.

That step was short, but stepping on the damp rocks felt like it took him half a lifetime of strength.

"Junior Brother," Xu Mo spoke, his voice slightly strained, but he no longer hesitated, "I don't know the true nature of your relationship with Abbot Su and the others. I only know that if they are truly bosom friends who would share life and death, they shouldn't distance themselves from you just because you cultivate a certain method or possess a certain aura. If that friendship dissipates simply because you donned Divine True Qi, then... then it's not worth you spending every night on this mountain peak in longing."

He spoke very slowly.

"I've been your brother in Golden Court for over two hundred years. I've witnessed your transformation from a peasant boy to the Purple Mansion True Person you are today, and I've seen how you locked yourself in your cave abode day and night to hone your skills for this Movement Method. Whether you cultivate the path of Immortal Dao, the Divine Dao, or something else, in your senior brother's eyes, Yang Xiu will always be Yang Xiu."

The mountain wind carried Xu Mo's voice intermittently, yet it never truly dissipated.

"So..." Xu Mo raised his eyes, looking directly at Yang Xiu's retreating figure, a clumsy yet resolute look in his eyes, "If you want to go, then go. If you truly consider those people your closest friends, then you should trust them. Trust that they won't forget you just because you've cultivated the techniques of True Martial Mountain."

Upon hearing this, Yang Xiu turned around again, his back to Xu Mo as he had at the beginning:

"I understand everything my senior brother said."

His voice was low and somewhat hoarse, as if all the edges had been worn away by the night wind.

"They won't blame me." Yang Xiu slowly raised his face, the moonlight sliding down his brow bone, making his moon-white True Qi appear as white as frost and snow. "Brother Su won't, Zilin won't, Ying Qi, Xuan Yan, Mo Li won't either."

He paused, then suddenly chuckled.

"But the less they blame me, the more I can't stand it."

Xu Mo was taken aback upon hearing this.

Yang Xiu turned around to face him.

The moonlight was bright, Xu Mo could clearly see Yang Xiu's face.

There were no tears, no complaints, only a deep-seated, indescribable weariness.

"Senior brother, have you ever experienced this? Knowing you've done something terribly wrong, yet no one around you confronts you, instead smiling and saying 'It's alright.' That feeling is worse than being gossiped about behind your back."

He pursed his lips, the smile more bitter than a cry.

"From the day I joined the Golden Court Yang Xiu, I considered myself a member of the Jade Pure One Sect. Every Law Technique I practiced, every step I took, I felt was to bring honor to the Golden Court and glory to the Jade Void. But now, a single imperial decree and a set of techniques from the True Martial Mountain have completely destroyed all the confidence I've built up over the past hundred years."

"They don't blame me; they're being kind. But I can't get over it."

At this point, Yang Xiu's voice suddenly became extremely low:

"My body now is half Profound Qi and half Divine Sha. I always feel like I've been split in two..."

"Senior brother, how can I have the face to set foot on Golden Ao Mountain? Even if Brother Su himself comes to Green Nuo to welcome me, I won't have the face to see him."

After he finished speaking, he slowly lowered his head and looked at his outstretched palm.

On the palm of his hand, the moon-white True Qi and the gray-purple Profound Qi intertwined and flowed, like two rivers that refused to yield to each other, surging and tearing each other in that small patch of skylight, without end.

"They don't blame me," Yang Xiu repeated softly, his voice almost inaudible, "But how can I forgive myself?"

Xu Mo's throat tightened, and his eyes suddenly welled up with tears.

He wanted to say, "It's not your fault," and "You did it for Golden Court too," but when these words reached his lips, he couldn't utter a single one.

He understood everything Yang Xiu said.

Some obstacles are beyond the help of others.

After a long while, as dawn broke, Yang Xiu finally spoke:

"Senior brother, please go and congratulate Zilin for me."

Before Xu Mo could respond, he continued:

"Blessed by the attainment of the Profound Qi Fruition, upon reaching the Purple Mansion, my Profound Qi Fate Divine Ability, ' Calamity Befalls Fate,' was immediately perfected. However, I was never quite proficient in it. Now, more than a decade later, I wish to try and see if I can cultivate the second Divine Ability, the Profound Qi Body Divine Ability, ' Karma Enshrouds the Body.'"

Without waiting for Xu Mo's response, he vanished.

Only Xu Mo remained silent atop the mountain, tears streaming down his face.