Xiao Kuang sprawled in a luxurious reclining massage chair and adjusted the microphone so it pointed right at his yawning mouth.
"Hello, hello? Can you hear me? How are the friends in the back rows?" He tested the sound, his voice echoing through the eerie hall with amplification empowered by some kind of Heavenly Dao Authority.
The mighty beings below: "..." Fine? Fine my ass! We were not fine at all!
"Ahem." Xiao Kuang cleared his throat, trying hard to recall the tiny bit of knowledge he possessed, and began his "lecture on the Dao and dispelling doubts."
"Fellow Daoists, today let us discuss: what is the 'Dao'?"
The crowd below perked up slightly. They were finally getting to the point! Even Yuanshi and Gong Gong, who had been fried black and crispy, reluctantly pricked up their ears.
Xiao Kuang stroked his chin in apparent contemplation, then suddenly slapped his thigh—the armrest of the massage chair. "If you ask me, this 'Dao' is just a fart!"
Pfft—! Zhen Yuanzi, who had been drinking tea, sprayed a mouthful of Innate Wutu Essence Qi all over Hong Yun's face. The Three Pure Ones collectively stumbled, nearly sliding out of their gaming chairs. Empress Nuwa covered her red lips, her beautiful eyes wide. Di Jun Tai Yi nearly dropped the Chaos Bell and the River Diagram and Luo Script in their hands. Jieyin and Zhunti's bitter faces became even bitterer, as if they had swallowed a hundred pounds of coptis.
Heavenly Dao: [Warning! The agent has been detected severely stigmatizing and misinterpreting a core concept! Immediate correction is advised!]
Xiao Kuang ignored it completely and continued smoothly, "Think about it, everyone. A fart is formless and intangible, colorless and odorless—sometimes. It comes when it wants and goes when it wants, elusive and profound. Doesn't that perfectly match the characteristics of the 'Dao'? And it can moisten things silently—by stinking you unconscious—contain the principles of biochemical transformation—food conversion—and even propel a calamity—one fart triggering a bloody disaster! This is the Great Dao's utmost simplicity!"
Dead silence filled the hall.
Every mighty being wore the expression of someone who had swallowed a fly—one transformed from a Chaos Demon God, at that.
What kind of demonic metaphor was this?! Father God Pangu split open heaven and earth just so he could listen to you argue that "the Dao is a fart"?!
Sect Master Tongtian clutched his stomach, his shoulders shaking wildly. He wanted to laugh but did not dare, and his face turned bright red from holding it in. Gong Gong rolled his eyes, feeling that his intelligence had suffered an unprecedented insult.
"Of course!" Xiao Kuang abruptly changed direction. "Just farting isn't enough. You also need to know how to slack off!"
He adjusted the massage intensity to make himself more comfortable. "Next, I shall focus on the positive effects of the 3600 Styles of Slacking Off and the Heart Sutra of Giving Up on improving one's cultivation realm!"
"So-called slacking off is not laziness, but an exceptionally profound form of 'governing through non-action'! It means finding relaxation for the soul amid arduous cultivation. Only by balancing exertion and rest can one endure for long! For example, when you are tired from cultivating, you can watch the clouds, fish for a while, count dragon scales, tease... ahem, admire the clay figurines made by Fellow Daoist Nuwa, or something."
Nuwa: "???" What did that have to do with her?
"As for the specifics, you need strategy! For example, how do you accurately determine whether your master or the Heavenly Dao is watching you? How do you create the perfect illusion of 'I am diligently comprehending the Dao'? How do you use the smallest fluctuations of mana to simulate the most complex Dao-rhyme special effects? All of that is knowledge!"
The more he spoke, the more excited he became. He even began demonstrating on the spot. "Watch closely, everyone. This move is called 'drawing a circle with the left hand, a square with the right, while your divine sense secretly watches fairies dance'! Its essence lies in multitasking: diligent on the surface, rippling with desire within!"
His left hand truly began tracing the fluid roundness of the Law of Water, while his right hand traced the sharp edge of the Law of Metal. At the same time, his gaze drifted, and a lecherous smile curled his lips. Clearly, his divine sense had wandered off who knew where.
The people below watched with twitching eyelids, their Dao hearts suffering another devastating blow. Was this really a lecture on the Dao? This was clearly teaching people how to coast through life and wait for death!
"And there's also this Heart Sutra of Giving Up!" Xiao Kuang declared, spittle flying. "Its core principle is—when you encounter difficulties, don't force your way through them. Just lie flat! Tell yourself, 'I can't do it, I won't do it, whoever wants to do it can do it!' That way, your stress vanishes instantly! Your Dao heart becomes clear, your thoughts flow freely, and bottlenecks? They don't exist! Because you never planned to break through in the first place! No expectations, no disappointments! This is the supreme state of mind!"
Old Ancestor Hong Yun listened thoughtfully and muttered, "It actually... sounds kind of reasonable?" Zhen Yuanzi hurriedly covered his mouth. "Watch your words, Fellow Daoist! Do not let him lead you astray!"
[Heavenly Dao: ...Alert! Alert! The agent is spreading negative and degenerate ideas on a massive scale! The Primordial Chaos cultivation environment has been severely polluted! Requesting termination of the lecture! Requesting agent formatting!] [Request denied... insufficient authority...((′-﹏-`;))...]
The Heavenly Dao no longer even had the strength to be angry. All that remained was endless numbness and despair.
"Finally!" Xiao Kuang suddenly sat upright—the massage chair propped him up—and adopted a "serious" expression. "Let us discuss the most important practical application—how to elegantly slack off through a calamity!"
This time, even the most numb mighty beings gathered a little spirit. Calamities were swords hanging over the heads of all living beings.
"What should we do when a calamity comes? Fighting to the death is exhausting! And it is easy to incur karma and sinful force!" Xiao Kuang clapped his hands. "We can think differently! For example, organize the 'First Primordial Chaos Mahjong God Competition'! Decide victory and defeat through mahjong! Whoever discards the winning tile faces the calamity! Fair, just, and open! It is entertaining and solves the problem—how wonderful!"
"Or we could hold a 'Primordial Voice' competition. Whoever has the heaviest baleful aura and sings the worst automatically gets listed! Entertain all beings while dissolving hostility!" "If that doesn't work, rock-paper-scissors! Best two out of three! Simple and quick!"
The crowd below completely lost their minds.
A mahjong game to decide a calamity? Singing your way onto the Investiture of the Gods? Rock-paper-scissors to determine life and death?! Just what was inside this Dao Ancestor's head?! Even a sentient Chaos Green Lotus would not be this outrageous!
The Three Pure Ones' faces were livid, feeling as if their intelligence and Dao hearts were being repeatedly ground into the floor. Di Jun Tai Yi began seriously doubting the Demon Race's future path of development. Jieyin and Zhunti were already considering whether the Western Teachings should add "playing mahjong" to its doctrines. Houtu Ancestral Witch stared blankly into space, considering whether to add several mahjong tables to the land of reincarnation.
Xiao Kuang looked at the myriad expressions of the beings below and nodded in satisfaction, feeling that his "teaching" had achieved remarkable results.
He gave a long yawn and concluded, "All right, that is all for today's lesson. The core idea can be summed up in one sentence: hard work may not bring success, but not working hard will definitely be comfortable! Dismissed! The next lecture time... will be announced depending on my mood!"
After saying that, he pressed the stop button on the massage chair and snapped his fingers. "Waiter, bring out the fruit platter! Chaos spiritual-root grade!"
A group of Dragon Girls and Phoenix Girls, carrying bizarre spiritual fruits—mutated after Xiao Kuang had force-grown them with his authority—walked forward trembling.
The mighty beings below held spiritual fruits that looked suspiciously like "Fire Dragon Fruit" but spewed Samadhi True Fire, and fruits called "strawberries" but covered in spikes. Watching the Dao Ancestor, who had already begun soaking his feet, they collectively sank into a long silence and deep self-doubt.
Who were they? Where were they? What had they just heard? Was the future of the Primordial Chaos... truly beyond saving?
The Purple Cloud Palace's first lecture came to an end amid an atmosphere of extreme absurdity, utter nonsense, and severe damage to the Dao hearts of the Primordial Chaos's elite.
The Heavenly Dao's light dimmed completely. It might need to recuperate for several calamities.
Before you continue