Settlement Shenanigans

Over the East Sea, even the wind and waves seemed to have frozen.

The vast army of immortals and demons, numbering in the hundreds of millions, remained locked in their charging or defensive stances, as though someone had pressed pause. The starlight of the River Diagram and Luo Script in Di Jun's hands had dimmed. The Chaos Bell Taiyi held aloft hung suspended in midair. Golden blood stained the corner of King Father of the East's mouth, while his face wore an expression of surviving disaster mixed with utter bewilderment.

All the battle cries, the thunderous roars of magical treasures, and the collisions of laws had vanished.

Only the clatter of Xiao Kuang's abacus echoed with unparalleled clarity through every living being's primordial spirit via Heavenly Dao Authority, throwing their Dao hearts into turmoil.

Inside Purple Cloud Palace, Queen Mother of the West had already collapsed onto a beanbag chair—unconsciously assimilated by now. She stared blankly at the screen and muttered, "The rake... it really was just for taking a rake..."

The chill around Wangshu was no longer sharp. Instead, it carried a profound sense of helplessness. Watching Xiao Kuang bent over his accounts, she deeply doubted the "Great Dao" for the first time—was this thing really meant to maintain the workings of the universe, rather than for comedy?

"Mm-hm!" Xiao Kuang finally set down his little abacus, cleared his throat, and transmitted his voice across the void again. His tone carried the peculiar authority—and shamelessness—of a bookmaker. "After this bookmaker's rigorous calculations, I will now announce the settlement plan for the wagers!"

Every living being held their breath, especially the three main players: Di Jun, Taiyi, and King Father of the East.

"First, congratulations to Sect Master Tongtian, who bet that Eastern Emperor Taiyi would end the battle within three bell strikes. You have won one Houtian Spiritual Treasure flying sword! Congratulations to Laozi, who bet on one bell strike. You have won one bottle of Nine Revolutions Golden Elixir! Congratulations to Nuwa, who bet on five bell strikes... Uh, Nuwa, what exactly did you bet again? Never mind, you won anyway!"

Tongtian and Laozi remained expressionless, while Nuwa covered her face.

"Next, unfortunately, Yuanshi, Jieyin, Zhunti, who bet on ten bell strikes and enduring ten bell strikes, as well as Minghe, who foolishly tried to pay his debt with wages for cleaning toilets, have all lost everything! The odds may have been high, but your judgment was terrible!"

Primordial Lord of Heaven's face darkened further. Jieyin and Zhunti looked ready to weep without tears, feeling that the great cause of reviving the Western Teachings had drifted a little farther away. Old Ancestor Minghe beat his chest and stamped his feet in the backyard.

"Lastly, and most importantly!" Xiao Kuang raised his voice several octaves. "The bookmaker's rake is five percent! Considering the enormous stakes and the large number of participants in this wager, this bookmaker has decided to collect it in the form of labor deductions!"

Labor deductions? Every living being felt a sinister premonition.

"All you big shots who placed bets may settle your stakes yourselves. As for everyone on the battlefield..." Xiao Kuang paused, his tone becoming "kind and amiable." "Di Jun, Taiyi, King Father of the East, and every officer under your command at the Golden Immortal realm or above, immediately write me a profound self-criticism of no fewer than three thousand words! The topic is: <My Understanding of the Dangers of Fighting and Brawling in the East Sea, and My Pledge to Reform>!"

"Requirements: sincere attitude, deep reflection, no fewer than three thousand words, and it must be handwritten! No using spells to write it for you! If you do not finish, or if your reflection is not profound enough, you are forbidden from continuing the fight! Anyone who dares to pay lip service while defying me in secret will be invited to take up permanent residence in the Purple Cloud Palace backyard zoo, keep Fellow Daoist Minghe company, and experience the Primordial Chaos version of Survival!"

Xiao Kuang's voice carried the unquestionable might of the Heavenly Dao, weighing heavily upon the hearts of every target.

Write... self-criticisms?!

Three thousand words?! Handwritten?!

Di Jun, Taiyi, King Father of the East, and the countless demon gods and wandering immortal commanders on both sides were all dumbfounded!

They were the foremost mighty figures of the Primordial Chaos, rulers of their domains, Golden Immortal experts! They were not ignorant schoolchildren getting their palms struck by a teacher for failing to recite their lessons!

Having a fight forcibly halted halfway through was already absurd enough! And now they actually had to write self-criticisms?! Handwritten ones of three thousand words?!

The ultimate humiliation! This was simply the ultimate humiliation!

Solar True Fire surged wildly from Di Jun's body in fury, nearly setting Demon Master Kunpeng beside him ablaze. The Chaos Bell in Taiyi's hand hummed ceaselessly. He desperately wanted to strike it at once, yet did not dare. King Father of the East's vision went black, and he nearly spat out another mouthful of blood—he would rather be beaten to death by Taiyi than suffer this humiliation!

"Dao Ancestor! This matter..." Di Jun tried to struggle one last time.

"Hm?" Xiao Kuang's voice immediately turned dangerous. "You have objections? Do you want to come to Purple Cloud Palace and experience life here? I happen to be short a bath attendant."

Di Jun instantly shut his mouth. His face turned livid, and his teeth ground together with an audible creak. Go to Purple Cloud Palace? Give this Dao Ancestor a bath? That was worse than writing a self-criticism!

Taiyi silently lowered the Chaos Bell and began considering how to start his self-criticism. Should it be "Respected Dao Ancestor," or "Criminal Demon Emperor"?

King Father of the East looked utterly despondent and resignedly began rummaging through his storage treasure to see whether he had any spiritual silk or immortal paper suitable for writing—when would he normally carry such things around?

Inside Purple Cloud Palace, Sect Master Tongtian had laughed himself out of his ergonomic chair and onto the floor. Primordial Lord of Heaven was holding back laughter, his shoulders trembling. Laozi's whisk shook as though he had Parkinson's. Empress Nuwa buried her face in a cushion, her shoulders quivering nonstop. Although Jieyin and Zhunti had lost money, seeing Di Jun and Taiyi suffer such frustration inexplicably made them feel a little better.

Queen Mother of the West stared with her mouth wide open, unable to close it for a long while. Stopping war... could be done this way? Making the leaders of both sides write self-criticisms? This... this was simply...

Watching those mighty Primordial Chaos figures on the screen—usually so majestic, yet now frowning as they searched for paper and brushes—Wangshu felt a faint ripple called "pleasure" stir within the lake of her heart, frozen for countless ages. Di Jun and Taiyi's expressions, so stifled with frustration they seemed ready to explode, were especially satisfying.

She swiftly suppressed that inappropriate emotion and regained her frosty composure, but the corner of her lips seemed to lift by perhaps one hundredth of a millimeter?

"Move faster!" Xiao Kuang urged impatiently. "My time is precious. I still need to watch... uh, supervise your reform! Whoever finishes first may rest first! Those who do not finish will work overtime in the East Sea tonight!"

Thus, the most absurd scene since the creation of the Primordial Chaos appeared:

Over the vast East Sea, the enormous armies of immortals and demons that had just been fighting to the death now faced each other in clearly divided formations.

Before both armies, Demon Emperor Di Jun, Eastern Emperor Taiyi, King Father of the East, and hundreds of Golden Immortal and Grand Unity Golden Immortal commanders all sat upon the ground—or clouds—with spiritual silk, jade slips, and even animal hides laid before them. Each scratched their heads and frowned bitterly as they... wrote self-criticisms!

Some strained until their faces were red. Some secretly checked how much others had written. Some tried to cheat with divine sense and were warned by Heavenly Dao Authority. Some misspelled words by accident and pounded the ground in rage...

The hundreds of millions of troops behind them silently watched their leaders make fools of themselves. They wanted to laugh but did not dare, leaving the atmosphere awkward and bizarre.

Inside Purple Cloud Palace, Xiao Kuang had somehow acquired a red armband reading "Exam Grader" and strapped it around his arm. He also brought out a thermos steeped with goji berry Enlightenment Tea. As he slurped from it, he pointed at the screen and offered commentary.

"Tsk, Di Jun, your handwriting is terrible, like a dog crawling across the ground. It disgraces the dignity of a Heavenly Emperor!" "Taiyi, your word count is insufficient! Do not think you can fool me by writing the words 'repentance' fifteen hundred times!" "King Father of the East! Your self-criticism lacks ideological depth! Dig deeply into the ideological roots of your obsession with power! Rewrite it!"

Heavenly Dao muttered in its sleep: ...Detected large-scale acts of 'repentance'... karmic burden slightly reduced... calamity of slaughter interrupted... logical conflict... unable to analyze... record as 'special educational method'... zzzzz... (Subconsciously: Di Jun's handwriting really is ugly...)...

Watching the absurd yet strangely effective scene on the screen, Queen Mother of the West suddenly felt that this unreliable Dao Ancestor might have... stumbled upon the right approach. In this utterly inconceivable way, he had truly managed to temporarily quell a great catastrophe.

Though the process was enough to shatter the Dao heart of anyone aware of it ten thousand times over.

The instigator, Xiao Kuang, took a sip of goji berry tea and thought happily, Hehe, once they finish their self-criticisms, I'll make them exchange them, write reading reflections, and offer critiques! That way I can pad... uh, further deepen the educational effect for several thousand more years! I really am a genius!

Amid the rustle of countless people writing, the future of the Primordial Chaos seemed to head in an even stranger direction.

(That's all. Really, that's all. Stop rushing me.)