In the end, innocent Little Black was the only one hurt in this battle of wits.
If it weren't a system, and the little black snake merely a physical body it had conjured, meaning even the worst injuries only took some energy to repair, it would already have become this battle's sole snake fatality.
Blue Bandanna had already been frightened into foaming at the mouth and lay unconscious to one side.
The production crew quickly sent their accompanying doctor to give Blue Bandanna some basic treatment, then rushed him to the hospital.
The director's voice rang out from the loudspeaker at the island's highest point. "Didn't we say everyone could only bring one item onto the island? Xie Ji violated the rules by bringing a pet. Ten thousand deducted from his starting funds!"
Xie Ji was baffled. Xie Ji was shocked. Xie Ji argued his case. "Nooo, Director! I didn't bring Little Black onto the island!"
The broadcast fell silent for a moment. "Don't tell me you found it on the island. To ensure the safety of the guests and NPCs, professionals cleared this island before development began. There absolutely cannot be any dangerous animals here!"
Xie Ji looked solemn. "To tell you the truth, this little black snake is actually..."
The director snorted coldly, seemingly waiting to see what other nonsense Xie Ji could invent.
"This little black snake is..." Xie Ji took a deep breath and looked at Lu Xunji.
Lu Xunji narrowed his eyes slightly, and a familiar sense of foreboding crept up his spine.
"Mine and Lu Xunji's baby. You know, everyone has different pregnancy triggers." Xie Ji looked at the little snake, pointed at Lu Xunji, and said earnestly, "Say Daddy."
The little black snake: "..."
Lu Xunji: "..."
The director: "..."
Even the livestream viewers momentarily forgot to post snarky comments.
They had seen unhinged people, but never anyone this unhinged.
[I admit snakes do sometimes attack people, but definitely not like this!]
[Physical damage taken: 1. Psychic damage taken: 999999999.]
[It feels like Xie Ji reached through the screen, scooped out my brains, and scrubbed them raw.]
[Yes, they have a child.]
[Huh? Even a snake has a capital-city household registration, but I don't?]
[I'm dying. With the way Xie Three Whips's brain works, you never know how unhinged his next sentence will be.]
[If all else fails, send the kid back to the institution. He's out working before he's even recovered?]
[I can't take this anymore. I live by the sea, only four kilometers from the filming location. I'm taking a boat over right now to beat Xie Ji up. Type 1 to support me.]
[111111. Give him two extra slaps for me.]
[Ten years of accumulated merit, and now I've laughed it all away.]
[Honestly, you. Fine, type 1 and Buddha will forgive you.]
[1111111]
The director sounded furious too. "Xie Ji, if you keep spouting nonsense, you won't just be losing starting funds!"
Xie Ji was in the wrong but no less loud. "I told you, everyone has different pregnancy triggers! Little Black is my child. I only gave birth to him after coming to the island! It just looks a little strange, but it's a good kid!"
The director sneered. "Really? You say this is your and Lu Xunji's... child? Then make it call him Daddy."
Xie Ji smiled bashfully. "Here in public? That's not very appropriate, is it?"
"If you have no way to prove it, then the starting funds must be deducted."
Xie Ji held Little Black and smacked his head. "Be good. Say hello."
[Holy shit, that's a venomous snake. Xie Ji really dared!]
[Who said our Xie Ji was a delicate, soft little beauty? What kind of little beauty smacks a venomous snake across the face?]
[...If Xie Ji isn't mentally ill, then I must be.]
[This world has finally gone insane in ways I couldn't have imagined.]
Little Black, with his comminuted fractures, rolled his eyes listlessly and weakly uttered, "Dad."
Everyone! Was! Stunned!
Even Lu Xunji, normally so composed, calm, and unreadable, froze for a long moment, staring at the little black snake with complicated feelings.
The sound of some ceramic object shattering even came over the broadcast.
Then came other people's panicked voices.
"Director! It broke!"
"No, the director didn't break! The director's cup did!"
"Pfft! His mug broke!"
"Director, are you okay?!"
"Director! Director! Somebody, quick! The director fainted because he's scared of snakes!"
Xie Ji blinked. "See? I said this wasn't very appropriate in public."
Ignore Jiji's advice, and suffer right before your eyes.
The broadcast fell into a long silence. Half a minute later, the viewer count in Xie Ji's livestream suddenly surged!
From barely anyone at first, it shot up by over a hundred thousand, most of whom had jumped over from Lu Xunji's livestream.
And now the number was still growing exponentially. Soon, Xie Ji and his snake were trending together, and viewers from other livestreams flocked to Xie Ji's to witness this magnificent spectacle.
[Mom! I told you those mushrooms you cooked at noon weren't done! I'm seeing a snake open its mouth and say Daddy!]
[I'm asking, who's going to save my worldview?]
[Maybe save the director's mug first.]
[Maybe spare Lu Xunji some sympathy first. I feel like he's about to shatter.]
[I heard Xie Ji's snake can speak human language?]
[I heard Xie Ji and Lu Xunji have a child?]
[I heard Lu Xunji secretly married Xie Ji ages ago, and Ji Shi officiated.]
[Wait, who told you that? You really don't care whether us Shi-Ji shippers live or die, huh?]
[Ji Shi, don't look. It's a rumor.]
[I heard Xie Ji married Lu Xunji and Ji Shi together. They're from an ancient, mysterious tribe with a tradition of sharing a wife. Lu Xunji gets Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; Ji Shi gets Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. They take turns on Sundays.]
[Five minutes. I want to see this fanfic on Haitang.]
[For fuck's sake, only one day off a week?]
[Delete that now. Working stiffs can't bear to hear this.]
[Unhinged, all of you-being unhinged is good.]
[Xie Ji, this glorious age is just as you wished.]
The man involved, Lu Xunji, continued squatting under the eaves and building the wall, expressionless.
Since his back was to the camera, nobody could see his expression.
But he had definitely shattered. After all, nobody could accept being called Dad to their face by a venomous snake, right?
And at that moment, only Xie Ji knew how Lu Xunji felt.
Lu Xunji: He said we have a child.
[System notification: Target [Lu Xunji]'s favorability toward you increased by 50. Current favorability: -150.]
Lu Xunji: But why is it a snake? Cold, not cute. I don't like snakes.
[System notification: Target [Lu Xunji]'s favorability toward you decreased by 5. Current favorability: -155.]
Lu Xunji: Still, that black snake looks pretty good.
[System notification: Target [Lu Xunji]'s favorability toward you increased by 20. Current favorability: -135.]
Lu Xunji: If Ji Shi had been beside him today, would this little black snake have had a different dad?
[System notification: Target [Lu Xunji]'s favorability toward you decreased by 10. Current favorability: -145.]
Xie Ji: "?"
Are you seriously doing this whole thing with me here?
A man's heart, a deep-sea hot pot, king of kings, a ham sausage-one link is stronger than six.