Dad, Please, Not My New Account
The Donquixote Family nursery.
Candlelight flickered on the bedside candelabrum, bathing the room in a warm yellow glow.
Wearing a diaper, Lu Ye sat with his legs spread wide, lounging against the goose-down pillow at the head of the bed.
The nurse kneeling beside the bed promptly offered him a warm bottle of milk.
Lu Ye clamped down on the nipple and gave it a hard tug.
Pop!
With a soft sound, the nipple came off the bottle, splashing milk everywhere.
Pfft!
Lu Ye tilted his head slightly and spat the nipple in an arc into the nurse's arms.
"Glug, glug, glug! Gulp, gulp, gulp! Ahh-"
The warm milk filled Lu Ye's belly. His brow relaxed, and he let out a satisfied moan.
The whole process flowed together in one smooth motion, his practiced movements showing exactly how badly a gangster held his liquor.
"The assembled gentlemen of the court did not deceive me. The fat of the people really is nourishing!"
Lu Ye babbled out his thoughts, gaining a profound understanding of the corruption and decadence of aristocratic vermin.
Look at this nursery. It was at least two hundred meters from the bed to the door, spotless and splendid with gold and jewels. With too few people in it, you could easily hear an echo.
Look at this crib. The best way to stop a baby from rolling off was never to add a railing, but to make the bed bigger.
Look at this Nurse Joy. He spat the nipple onto her, and she still smiled and praised him for being so clever.
Look at this butler: tailcoat, white gloves, looking just like the head waiter at a five-star hotel.
Without a tie, he would have felt crude drinking this milk.
Look at this big rat...
Huh?
Lu Ye frowned.
Ratty, are you unhappy because you've got a problem with me?
He prodded Jinbao beside him with a tiny fist and said discontentedly:
"Why the long face? Did the boss dock your pay?"
Jinbao had curled himself into a ball, his head almost wedged into the gap by the headboard. He looked utterly bereaved. He turned his head to steal a glance at Lu Ye, only to look away again the moment their eyes met.
"Something's wrong. You're more than a hundred percent suspicious!"
Lu Ye grew wary. "Brother Bao, you didn't do something to wrong me, did you?"
Hearing this, Jinbao lowered his head even further. His shoulders trembled as he let out a muffled sob.
Lu Ye was horrified.
Look at you! You didn't just wrong me-you weren't planning to let me live through the night!
The bottle slipped from his hand. Cold sweat ran down Lu Ye's temple, and his voice began to tremble:
"Could I be an illegitimate child, and this little butler is my dad?"
Lu Ye had already imagined a full-blown palace melodrama: a bastard conceived in secret, about to be drowned in a chamber pot by his enraged noble father.
Jinbao shook his head vigorously, crying in hiccupping sobs.
The little butler and the nurse deftly cleaned the milk from the bed, their movements practiced and without a word of complaint. They even reassured Lu Ye: "It's all right, it's all right."
The hell it is!
That damn rat feels so guilty he's twitching. I'm a dead man!
Lu Ye's heart sank. He laid a little hand on Jinbao's shoulder:
"I get it. My mother is Joy Boy, right?
She found out our birth charts clash and wants to get rid of me now to prevent future trouble, right?"
Anyone familiar with nobles knew they were like dogs in heat. From the drawing room to the kitchen, anyone with a bit of beauty would fall prey to them.
His mother had originally been a nurse, so it was perfectly reasonable for her to be named Joy Boy.
But could that gentle woman really be ruthless enough to kill him?
Jinbao shook his head again, only now his quiet sobs turned into loud wails.
"What the hell are you crying for?!"
Lu Ye lost his temper. He grabbed the golden fur on Jinbao's neck and lifted him from the corner of the bed until he was right in front of him.
"Brother Bao, just tell me. Am I going to die?"
Jinbao rubbed his paws together, choking back sobs so hard he could barely speak. He explained in fits and starts:
"Little Lu Ye, this isn't the Pokémon world. It's a dark land of exile. It's all my fault. I'm the one who got you into this..."
That's it?
Lu Ye stared blankly for two seconds, then let out a long sigh of relief.
"What's the big deal? I noticed ages ago. That Machamp was way too ugly. As a character in a game for kids, he'd give them childhood trauma."
Jinbao rubbed the soft fur on his paw pads and said timidly, "Well, this is the world of One Piece. The world's malice index is 98%.
That means everyone you meet could have bad intentions and might stab you at any moment. Just growing up is fraught with countless dangers. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to call this world hell..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Of course this place is hell. How else would I have seen a succubus?"
Lu Ye had completely relaxed. He leaned back against the pillow, bit open another bottle, and drank some milk to calm his nerves.
"Don't worry. Just consider this my choice. I'll give you a good review and help you get your permanent position."
Lu Ye remained perfectly calm, taking the opportunity to dangle a tempting promise in front of the rat.
Jinbao thought he hadn't explained himself clearly and stammered out more:
"Little Lu Ye, you still don't understand how terrifying this world is.
There are bloodthirsty pirates, corrupt and degenerate Marines, feudal royals who exploit people without restraint, and the World Government, which willingly acts as their lackey.
The strong gather immense power within themselves. One punch can split a mountain and shatter rocks; one slash can tear the sky apart!
There are also Devil Fruits with bizarre effects that give people terrifying destructive power comparable to natural disasters."
Lu Ye took another drink of milk and nodded unconcernedly.
Jinbao wiped his reddened eyes and said anxiously, "Hey, don't fool around at a time like this. You'll die!"
Lu Ye swirled his bottle as though it contained a 1982 Lafite and chuckled:
"Brother Bao, I might not know this world, but you clearly know even less about nobles.
Nobles have layers of guards and hold power over the world. Countless people consider it an honor to die for them.
Li Erfeng said, 'The ruler is the boat; the people are the water.' You really believed that and thought a surge of popular anger could bring nobles down with a single wave.
In reality, this boat is an eternal battleship displacing ten thousand tons. A force-ten typhoon would barely wash its feet. As long as it doesn't court death, it'll last as long as the nation.
Compared with the stray arrows and flying shafts of a turbulent environment, it's the straightforward roll call of the King of Hell, from the likes of Huang Chao, that can really make you feel some pressure."
It took thirty years for a departed soul to travel from the mortal world to the Underworld.
Lu Ye had died in 1997, on the eve of G City's return. One Piece had also begun serialization that year.
Lu Ye knew nothing about the shōnen manga, but that didn't stop him from knowing what nobles were.
Looking at Lu Ye, who seemed both distressed and a little pleased with himself, Jinbao said quietly:
"But... your father is about to give up his noble status and take the whole family away to become commoners."
"Pfft!"
Lu Ye sprayed a mouthful of warm milk a long way, then abruptly sat bolt upright, his face filled with horror:
"W-why?! Has that old blond bastard gone crazy?!"
Jinbao rubbed his nose. "Well, because he's a good man."
"He's a beep-"
Lu Ye was beside himself with rage, every strand of baby hair on his head standing on end.
Jinbao hung his head and, sniffling, laid out Lu Ye's future:
"It's currently the year 1485 of the Sea Circle Calendar. Your eldest brother Doffy is five, and your second brother Rosy is three.
According to the original plot, your father will soon give up his status as a Celestial Dragon and settle in the North Blue.
Before long, when your identities as Celestial Dragons are exposed, the commoners who hate you to the bone will burn down your home and seize your wealth.
Hounded and surrounded, your family will struggle to survive in a garbage dump.
In 1489, your mother will die of illness in poverty, and your father's request to return to the Holy Land will be refused.
In 1491, your eldest brother Doffy will be ten. He'll shoot your father dead and take his head back to the Holy Land to request that his status be restored, only to be refused again.
Doffy will turn completely dark and create the Donquixote Family gang. In the future, he'll be an elite gatekeeper mob in the middle-to-late stages.
Your second brother Rosy won't have lost his conscience. He'll betray your eldest brother, flee the family, and be adopted by Marine Admiral Sengoku.
Later, Rosy will be ordered to go undercover in the Donquixote Family. His identity will be exposed, and Doffy will shoot him dead."
Fine, fine, fine. No wonder we're family!
Lu Ye was so angry he laughed.
A heartless, disloyal eldest brother who's a gangster boss.
A second brother who puts justice before family and goes undercover for the police.
Guan Yu, could you make your retaliation any more obvious? How is this any different from pointing at my nose and cursing me out?!
I went undercover, betrayed my own boss, and blew him up, so you just had to give me the whole package in return?
A blood debt repaid in blood, huh?
I beep-beep-beep-beep-
Baby swear words!