The Insomnia Ability

Lu Ye rubbed his brow and began to analyze his situation.

The good news:

First, he had memories of his previous life and the mind of an adult.

Second, he was still a Celestial Dragon for now, sitting at the pinnacle of power.

Third, thanks to Jinbao, he had learned in advance about the disastrous plot developments to come.

The bad news:

First, he was a newborn baby whose fate lay entirely in the hands of his bastard guardian.

Second, he couldn't speak, and the writing in the world of Pirate King was completely different from that of his previous life, so he couldn't accurately communicate what he wanted.

Third... and worst of all... his body was still developing rapidly.

In plain English, he couldn't even control his own bowels or bladder. Rolling onto his side afterward to avoid lying in his poop was about as much dignity and self-respect as he could manage.

The waves of drowsiness that kept washing over him were utterly impossible to resist.

A newborn normally slept more than twenty hours a day! And that would continue for months!

At this rate, his blond Pops would drag him off to eat garbage before he even woke from his wet dream!

Fuck, did the golden membership for reincarnation come with a trial period too?!

Lu Ye grabbed Jinbao by the scruff of the neck and said fiercely:

"You damn rat, I agreed to help you become a permanent employee. Shouldn't you show me what an Underworld civil servant is worth?

If my first birthday and my seventh-day funeral rite fall on the same day, your mission report won't be easy to write either, will it?!"

"I do have some benefit items, but, but..."

Jinbao pulled a miserable face. "But they can only be used to train Pokémon. I can't understand why the items are still from the Pokémon world when I came to the world of Pirate King..."

Lu Ye went berserk, shaking Jinbao by the shoulders:

"Do I look like a Pokémon to you? Do I? Do I?!

Hand over every item you've got!

One way or another, we have to solve the problem in front of us. We absolutely can't let that old blond give up his noble status."

Jinbao's eyes darted away. "Since I crossed into a different world, I need authorization from the local world's will..."

"Then make him authorize you!" Lu Ye glared at him.

"We had a fight, and now he's ignoring me."

Jinbao hung his head, on the verge of tears.

Lu Ye held a hand against his diaper, looking as though he were resting it on the machete at his waist in his previous life. "Give me the phone!" he snarled.

"It's a full touchscreen phone, so you might not be used to it without buttons. A few decades after you died, all phones became like this."

Jinbao pulled out a large phone and thoughtfully opened the chat screen for him.

Lu Ye skimmed through it at a glance.

After the local world's will had hung up on the damn rat, he had argued with the other party at length in the chat app, insisting this was the Pokémon world and saying he had even seen a "Machamp."

After a long battle of words, it had finally ended with the other party bluntly calling him a "dumbass."

Lu Ye laughed in exasperation. "You damn rat, how did you figure out this wasn't the Pokémon world?"

"Well, I flew around and saw a Devil Fruit User. They're something of a specialty of the world of Pirate King."

Jinbao poked his little paws together, reluctant to remember what he had seen.

Several dung beetle cosplayers had made a slave eat a strange-looking fruit. The slave had turned into a goldfish and drowned in a swimming pool...

Jinbao's eyes reddened. "Little Lu Ye, what am I going to do?

If he won't authorize me, my report can't connect to the world of Pirate King either, and I'll fail to become a permanent employee..."

Lu Ye rolled his eyes at him. "Now you're scared?"

Jinbao sniffled aggrievedly, then suddenly burst into tears. "My life is so hard! So hard!

I was only one step away from becoming a permanent employee, and I came to the wrong world!"

Lu Ye's heart softened, and he rubbed the top of Jinbao's head to comfort him.

Jinbao cried even harder:

"Well, I might look like a fool, but I'm the last of the golden marten bloodline. I'm quite a rarity among all the demons.

H-how did I end up like this..."

Lu Ye nodded numbly. Although a rat claiming to be a marten was obviously reaching well above his station.

But following his bad habit from his previous life of coaxing his young girlfriend, even if she said she was a Jiefang cargo truck, Lu Ye would have praised her roomy cargo bed and rounded headlights.

Jinbao wiped away his tears. "My master took a liking to me and awakened me as a demon. First, I spent three hundred years as his demon pet, then another five hundred doing odd jobs."

Lu Ye grew solemn. "Your probation period is hellish."

Jinbao said in a tearful, aggrieved voice:

"The Underworld finally expanded its workforce, and my master made arrangements for me.

Some bastard claimed he'd immigrate to Mars in 2019. My master said it was an opportunity and sent me to Mars ahead of time as a special envoy. I only had to collect ten souls to become a permanent employee.

But... but I waited almost twenty years, and nobody ever came!

How could you living people even lie to ghosts?!"

Lu Ye rubbed his head. "I've always suggested putting people in jail for bullshitting."

Who said there were no bad people among the space crowd? Where wouldn't that old bastard Satan take a shit?

"My master gave me another chance and made me a travel commissioner, but I ended up in the wrong world and messed up again! But I definitely didn't fill anything in wrong! Boo-hoo-hoo!"

Jinbao's cries rang out like an air-raid siren.

Lu Ye covered Jinbao's mouth, cleared his throat, and put on a fierce, stern face. "What the hell are you crying for? Problems are meant to be solved. Sixth Master will take care of it for you."

Jinbao stopped crying, his whole body still hitching with sobs.

Lu Ye deftly swiped the phone open, tapped away in the chat box, and sent a message.

The foolproof system was easy to pick up.

Jinbao looked at the words standing out in the green chat bubble: "Dad, I was wrong!"

"Will that work?" Jinbao choked out.

"Guaranteed!"

Lu Ye was brimming with confidence. "Once, I led my club into a fight with another one. Someone on the other side suddenly knelt and called me Dad, so I forgave them right away, and the fight turned into a big interclub party."

"W-why?"

A giant question mark hung over Jinbao's head.

"Even a vicious tiger won't eat its own cubs!" Lu Ye said with conviction.

Jinbao's face flushed red. He rubbed the soft fur on his paw pads, looking a little bashful. "Wouldn't that... be a little embarrassing?"

"You can't outdo him, and you can't beat him. Having another dad gives you another option."

Lu Ye was generous in sharing his life experience. Jinbao tilted his head, seeming to understand.

Just as Lu Ye had said, the phone rang shortly afterward. Sure enough, the other party had replied:

"Good son. Your godfather's got your back from now on!"

At the same time, a system notification appeared at the top of the screen: "Successfully connected to the world of Pirate King."

"Dad, you're so good to me. I'll be a properly filial son to you."

Jinbao stopped crying and smiled, typing that reply into the chat box.

Lu Ye happened to glance at it and rolled his eyes again.

Jinbao pulled a huge raffle box from behind his waist.

"These are Pokémon abilities, like passive skills.

If we were in the Pokémon world, we could use them on Pokémon.

But in this world, I don't know what would happen either..."

Adding an ability was practically a glitch in the Pokémon world.

Give Slaking the Strongman ability, and he could slap Mew to death.

Forget Slaking. Call him Grandfather Great Sage!

Lu Ye peered into the raffle box through the opening. Inside were beads of various colors.

If he gave me all of them, could I kill that old blond?

Lu Ye seriously considered whether it was feasible.

Jinbao added:

"You can draw one of these abilities on the day you're born, then on the third day, the seventh day, at one month old, and at one year old. After that, you can draw once every five years."

Lu Ye glanced at him. "You don't give me a hundred free draws at the start? Your user experience is hellish."

But our Underworld is hell.

Jinbao's voice turned tearful again. "I'd like to give you a hundred draws too, but the Underworld has controls on its assets. I can only follow the rules..."

"Rules? Do the rules tell you to send a good person like me to a place of exile? All the good people in the world have had their hearts chilled!"

"How about I make it up to you... I'll call you Dad from now on."

Lu Ye put on a stern little face and rapped Jinbao hard on his rat head.

Jinbao clutched his head and whimpered in pain, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.

"This is a raffle box. Letting you choose for yourself is already against the rules. If the people in charge find out, they might send me back where I came from."

Lu Ye didn't even look back. "That's great. Golden-haired rats like you are rare. If you go back, you can get into a nature reserve even if you don't end up in a zoo."

Jinbao looked aggrieved. "Sending me back where I came from means making me Lord King Qinguang's pet again."

Lu Ye's expression turned serious. "I couldn't tell you were a slave."

"Pets aren't slaves," Jinbao argued quietly.

Lu Ye waved a hand airily. "The proletariat is one big family. Since you're a slave, Sixth Master will look after you from now on."

Jinbao bared his teeth, speechless, but brightened up again in an instant.

Two protectors on one mission. Isn't my permanent position as good as secured?

After searching for quite a while, Lu Ye pulled a pitch-black bead from the raffle box. The word "Insomnia" was outlined on it in gold.

"This ability should solve the drowsiness problem, but how do I use it?"

"For a Pokémon, just swallow it with water. For a human..."

Jinbao shook his head frantically. A human having an ability was far too strange!

Lu Ye put the bead in his mouth and swallowed it with milk. A screen of light immediately appeared before his eyes.

[The demon's ability]: "Insomnia"

[Annotation to the blessing]: "Say goodbye to the lover of your dreams. From now on, you will be unable to sleep."

[Mysterious message]: "Someone stole the Goddess of the Dark Night's panties. In return, the Goddess of the Dark Night stole his dreams. Do you know this fellow who can never sleep?"

As the Insomnia ability took effect, Lu Ye felt his drowsiness vanish, leaving him more alert than ever.

Looking at his little hand, Lu Ye asked Jinbao:

"The ability is what I wanted, but the screen hasn't disappeared. Do I need to reply to this message?

Judging by the ability's description, I'm the person who can never sleep now, so should I leave my name on the screen?

But I don't have panties. Would she want a diaper?"

"Wait!"

Jinbao hurriedly stopped Lu Ye's hand before he could do something obnoxious. "This ability obviously offended the Goddess of the Night. I've never heard of her, but it's best not to provoke her."

Lu Ye raised an eyebrow. "If I don't reply, it seems the screen won't disappear."

Jinbao held the huge phone up in front of Lu Ye:

"Put down his name. He's the character in the original who never sleeps, one of the villain bosses later in the story."

Lu Ye looked up:

It was an ugly man in a captain's hat, laughing wildly.

His face was pitch-dark, and several of his teeth were missing.

His outfit was fashionable, though. His black beard was braided into little plaits, and he wore necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and rings, decked out in jewels from head to toe.

He also had three flintlock pistols tucked into his waistband.

"You can tell he's a scumbag at a glance. I won't feel the slightest guilt about screwing over trash like him."

Lu Ye moved his finger and wrote "Marshall D. Teach."

The screen of light shattered.